Monday, June 29, 2009

Happiness: Emotional Sobriety

I was at one of my favorite Saturday morning meetings this last weekend and I ran into a good friend. I could tell as soon as I saw him walking toward where I was sitting that something was troubling him. Turns out he'd had another relapse and, as in most of his recent relapses, it involved the inevitable hospital stay.

He wrote me an email last night and sort of blurted out much of what was occupying his mind and heart. He made a comment that I've been unable to get out of my head since: he said that he'd be struggling to get and stay sober in AA for several years now and he's never been able to get more than 10 months of continuous sobriety. But that wasn't what grabbed my attention. It was the next comment that during those years of being in AA, he'd never really reached a point where he felt truly happy. He can picture the happiness that he felt at earlier times in his life, before alcohol became a problem. But he simply can't picture happiness within sobriety.

What I'm realizing today is that during my first 12 or so months of sobriety, I remember feeling that sober life was really not a substantial improvement in many areas of my life: particularly in terms of my relationship with my wife. We'd been married 20 years when I got sober and it was that first year of marriage that was, for me at least, the most difficult and challenging. Surely, in retrospect, that's because during the first 20 years I was able to resort to happiness shortcuts via alcohol whenever I needed to do that. But then, when I got sober, there were no more shortcuts to happiness. The pain of poor communication and totally inadequate relationship skills was real and frequent. I had some relief from this challenge when I was in meetings, but that didn't do much to improve the relationship. I was working the steps, but I was doing that very slowly.

Earle had cautioned me not to rush head long into the 4th step even though the popular AA opinion was to do just that. He said that we were all pretty beaten up and battered when I walked into the doors of AA and that the last thing we needed to do early on in our recovery was to spend substantial amounts of time writing down how awful we were and what was wrong with us. He suggested that I wait at least a year before considering working that step. I gladly obliged....and more than that. I delayed... Then my wife said something that got me moving forward again....

We were sitting in our living room along with our youngest daughter Rachel. In the course of our conversation, my wife looked over at me and said to Rachel, "Well, he's just a drunk!". She said it with a smile and it was clear to me that it wasn't said to be mean. It was just her acknowledging that I was an alcoholic. Rachel took umbrage though and came to my immediate defense --- as she often does --- she's something of my "Protector" in the family dynamic. She sternly told her mother, "He's not a drunk! He's a recovering alcoholic. So don't call him a drunk!"

My wife, refusing to take the bait of an argument with an unarmed teenage daughter, smiled and explained that she'd meant no offense to me. Rachel then chastised her by saying that "I'm proud of Dad and that he's been sober for almost a year and a half." My wife, with a dangerous smile that only I fear, laughed slightly and said, "I know Rachel, but I'm just wondering when he's going to change."

My wife's comment hit me square between the eyes. She was right. All I'd really accomplished during those 14 or 15 months of sobriety is "not drinking." I'd gotten pretty secure in the "not drinking" part of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I hadn't done much in terms of the inside work that supposedly makes longer term sobriety possible. I knew then that I was done wallowing in my 3rd Step and that the time had come for me to continue working through the remaining steps.

Sometime later, I think I had 3 1/2 years sober and had completed the steps, I was laying in bed one night doing my regular routine: reading a book and rubbing my wife's feet before going to sleep. Rubbing my wife's feet was something that began early in my sobriety when my ill-fated attempts to do a quick and easy 9th step amends with my wife failed miserably and I had to take the more difficult and time-consuming path of making a life long living amends with her: thus the rubbing of feet which goes on until this day and most likely until my death.

Anyway, one night I was reading and rubbing and she asked me a question out of the blue: "Mike, are you happy?"

Now, any of you who are men and married for any length of time know that this sort of question poses tremendous risks. You do not answer such questions with thoughtless haste. You ask yourself: what is it she's really wanting to know? But, unfortunately, her question was so simple and straightforward that even I couldn't invent any ulterior motives or hidden agendas. I quickly determined that she wanted to know exactly what she was asking me: Am I happy?

Not a question easily answered by me. I hadn't thought about this issue of happiness for years. I think that I'd resigned myself to the impossibility of happiness many years before and had given up trying or hoping for such a state of existence. There were times that I thought alcohol might provide the means of happiness: but such alcohol induced happy moments were never lasting or meaningful.

So: was I happy? It didn't take long to realize that I was basically happy and content. So, I turned around and told her that, Yes. I was basically content with my life and that I was really happy. There was nothing that I would change about my past or present.

Interestingly, this woman who only a year and a half before had commented on my not having changed after over a year of not drinking, now looked at me and smiled, "I thought so. That's why I asked." I laughed and went back to my reading and my rubbing.

I certainly don't feel happy, joyous and free every moment of every day. But I have a basic sense of satisfaction over the way my life is living out today. I'm certainly no where close to being done with my inside work. But I am ok with who I am. Right now. I'm grateful.

Is there a simple and straightforward path my friend can follow to achieve this same sort of happiness? No. And Yes.

No -- I think each person will need to find their own path in terms of dealing with the demons of the past, present and future. And I wouldn't characterize the path that I've found as "simple" or "straightforward." In addition to the 12 Steps, I've done many other things none of which have been recommended or suggested in the Big Book. My memory work is just one example of one of these tools that I've used on a regular basis to achieve the level of happiness that I've achieved. Talking things out in meetings or with other alcoholics. Sharing my struggles and secrets with my sponsors and other trusted AA friends. Writing blogs. Helping others with their struggles to get and stay sober. Being a sponsor. Meditating. Praying. Walking the dog. Emptying the trash. Putting down the lid.

And yes: there is a way of living that can bring a sense of happiness, peace and serenity. It is possible. But it takes time and lots of inside work. It takes failures. It takes commitments. And it takes failures. It takes persistence. It takes vigilance. It takes hope. And it takes despair.

As the author of "Everyday Commitments" writes at the end of his book, "All that matters is that we start over one more time that we give up; get cracking one more time than we pull away and keep going back to the drawing board one more time than we abandon it."

Take care!

Mike L.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Change

Over the last 7 years of sobriety, I've heard two seemingly contradictory messages: (1) to stay sober, you only have to change one thing: everything and (2) you're perfect just they way you are and you don't need to change anything. There are many authors/sources of the first message and only one or two sources for the second: two of my sponsors, Earle and Dave.

The first message scared me when I first started hearing it in my early recovery. That's because in the past, when I was still drinking, I had one primary agent for change: alcohol. Alcohol was my mechanism for changing everything: my wife, my kids, other people, my feelings, my perceptions, my reality, my self. If things were wrong (and they were ALWAYS wrong!), a drink (or two...) would quickly and magically change them and make them better. Or, at worst, the alcohol would make the problems unfeelable.

So after getting struck sober, hearing this message that if I really wanted to stay sober, I was going to have to buy into this commitment to changing everything. Even after I realized that the intent of this message was limited to changing myself and not others or other things --- it still terrified me.

That's about the time I met Earle --- who I've talked about here so much that I'm going to stop introducing him to you. If you're new to my blog, click on the "Dr. Earle" keywords on the right side of my blog and you can read past blogs where I've talked about this man in depth. Anyway, one of the first things that Earle passed on to me with the idea that "I am perfect just the way I am." He repeated this to me again and again and again... You're perfect, Mike! You don't need to change one damn thing. There is nothing wrong with you. This defect of character stuff is bullshit (he was 48 years sober at the time so I let him get away what that heresy...) and over talked about in AA. There's nothing "wrong" with being an alcoholic. What's "wrong" (or maybe, fruitless) is the attempt of an alcoholic to try existing as a non-alcoholic. That's dumb and deadly. I can't drink alcohol like a non-alcoholic in the same way that I can't swim and breathe underwater like a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a non-alcoholic.

So I was still bothered by Earle's insistence that I didn't need to change and never got to resolve this issue with him before his death (he died when I was about 14 months sober -- he was over 49 years sober when he died). But over the last couple of years, I've decided that there's nothing wrong with my wanting change in my life: that's part of who I am and that's OK. It helps me when I understand and accept that I am rarely the agent or controller of significant change in my life. That most significant changes seem to come about in their own time and as a result of a wide variety of "causes" -- including actions I take, adjustments I make in my attitudes, changes in my habits and diet and routines, and a whole bunch of other "outside factors" totally outside of my control or influence.

So it's no longer a question of whether I have to change or not. Change is really not an option for me or anyone else. Change is a fact of life. It happens regardless of my belief in or attitude about it. The more important question and/or challenge for me is how I am going to participate in this changing body and world. Am I going to go with the flow or am I going to swim upstream? Both are options available to me and either one might the the right approach at any one time in my life. I think this is all the hidden truth in the Serenity Prayer: accepting what we cannot change, changing what we can and knowing the difference between what we can/can't change.

There are certain things that are unchangeable: past events are what they are and I can't change them. I can though, change my attitude toward past events: I can learn from them, I can be resentful over them, I can accept them, I can be grateful for them. But I can't change the fact of them. I also can't change the future: because it doesn't exist anywhere. Feelings also seem to fall into this category of things that can't be changed: they just are what they are. That said, I would point out that feelings do change, they are not static or life long. What I need to remember with feelings is that "I'm" not the agent of change in terms of feelings. They will change in their own course: I just need to be aware of them, listen to them and avoid acting on them until that can be done with kindness (or at least, without harm).

And lastly, there are some things that I can change sometimes but not all times. My wife is a great example of that. I can sometimes bring about changes (pleasant or not) in her by my words and actions. But in other ways, I am totally powerless to change who she is or what she feels. Just like I am totally powerless to change who I am or what I feel.

Change does not scare me like it used to do both before and after getting sober. Change is actually what's making my life exciting, interesting, challenging and meaning-filled.

Take care!

Mike L.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Last Roadblock to AA

I've been watching several people hovering around their bottom recently and it's given me an opportunity to remember back to the time just before I was struck sober and what was going through my mind when I was becoming truly convinced that I was totally incapable of stopping drinking. I remember the time well.

I was totally isolated and alone. Take that back: I was isolated, but I was rarely alone. There were people all about me during most of my days: at work, at home, my wife, my kids. No friends though. There were people all around me though: but I didn't connect with a single one of them at any point in my day. I was totally isolated in my "self" --- I was constantly thinking of when the next opportunity to drink would present itself and what I could do to make that opportunity happen sooner rather than later.

This state of affairs was most painful in two areas: my relationship with my wife and my relationship with my son Pat. My wife and I had been married for about 20 years at that time and there was a part of me that needed and wanted to confide in her what was going on with me. But I simply couldn't. If I told her anything even close to the truth about what was going on with me, it would eventually lead to her coming to the door which led to my drinking. I couldn't tell her how depressed and unhappy I was because she'd want to help me get help. But I was already getting the help I thought I needed and had to have: alcohol. Her kind of help would probably be a therapist any therapist would eventually ask me why I didn't stop drinking and when I answered (should I actually tell the truth---which would be unlikely) with "I can't" he'd naturally conclude that I was an alcoholic and that I needed to do something about that. Like Stop Drinking!

The hell of my existence though was that I couldn't tell people that I couldn't stop drinking because as soon as I did that they'd naturally expect me to....stop drinking! Fuck!!!

So I didn't really talk to my wife for those ten months before I got sober. I mean to talked to her, but I never said anything of significance or truth in terms of what was going on in my head or heart.

In terms of my relationship with my son, who was just beginning his own recovery from his addiction to drugs, it was almost as painful, if not more, as my (non-)relationship with my wife. I'd take him to and from his meetings almost every day between January 2008 and the time of my getting struck sober. While he was in the meetings, I was supposed (so my wife thought) to stay parked outside to wait for him and to make sure that he stayed in the meeting. The trust level between us and Pat was at an all time low.

But it was clear to me that Pat was really trying to get and stay clean and sober. Although there were many relapses in those first 4 months of 2008, something clicked on May 10, 2008 and he's been clean and sober since. But back then, I rationalized with myself that sitting outside of the meetings waiting for Pat and checking to make sure he stayed in the meetings was somehow "disloyal" and "un-trusting" of Pat. So I used that rationalization to make it OK to drive off and find a bar where I could drink while he was in the meetings. Perfect solution to all my problems.

That system worked until it didn't work. Toward the end, I was feeling more and more isolated and in pain. In the short time periods that I was able to drink without getting caught, I wasn't able to get enough alcohol in me to take away the pain. In those first ten months of 2008, I think I only really got dizzying drunk maybe three or four times (typically when I was away from home, but not always).

Toward the end, I would be sitting outside my son's meetings "wishing" that I could go in there and get better like he was getting better. What kept me from doing that? Well, that's the major roadblock that I found blocking my entry into the rooms of AA. The roadblock was that I got it in my head that the people in "those rooms" were people who could stop drinking and that I couldn't go into those rooms until I could stop drinking. That thought kept me out of AA for some days and weeks.

Ultimately what happened was that I woke up one morning after Pat had almost caught me drinking and as soon as I woke up I realized once again that I simply couldn't stop drinking. But for some reason, I then realized that "not being able to stop drinking" IS ALCOHOLISM! And that alcoholism is a disease. It's not my fault. It's just the way things turned out to be. What happened that morning is I truly and completely accepted the truth of my alcoholism and instead of continuing to "try to stop drinking" I began a new strategy: I began trying to stay sober, one day at a time.

That's when the roadblock disappeared for me. I didn't go to AA for another few days because I had some business to take care of first: (1) I needed to tell my wife what had been going on and what I was going to do about it and (2) I needed to tell my son the same thing. Both accepted me without condition and I then went to my first meeting of AA.

I didn't realize for some months what my last roadblock was and I still remember the day and the meeting that this realization came about. I was sitting in a meeting and that morning a young woman came in and raised her hand as being in her first 30 days....again. She'd been a part of that meeting for some time apparently and I could see the shame written all over her face when I said that she'd drank again and was back. I watched her during the whole meeting and I was searching for something I could say that might help her. Toward the end of the meeting I discovered what it was: she was ashamed because she couldn't stop drinking and because she was thinking that the rest of us in that room were able to stop drinking! So I raised my hand and welcomed her back and told her that she wasn't alone in this room, that she wasn't the only person in the room who couldn't stop drinking: because I couldn't, no, I can't stop drinking either! I can't stop drinking either.

Even though I was some months sober, I still perceive myself to be someone who can't stop drinking. What keeps me sober is (1) remembering that I can't stop drinking and (2) that I can try to stay sober today. That strategy had worked then for several months and it's still working today.

Take care!

Mike L.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Step's Hidden Principles

We've all heard many times the last seven words of the 12th step, "practice these principles on all our affairs" --- but has anyone seriously asked, "What principles?" I suspect most if not all but me members of AA assume (which is to conclude without having asked the question) that the "principles" are equal to the preceding 11 or 12 "steps."

Well, I don't think so. And anyone who knows me will not be shocked. I haven't had a conforming thought for my entire life! I think that the principles are something more than the steps. I think that they are something different for each of us and we discover what these principles are by working or, better yet, being worked by these steps. The principles are hidden deep within and are meant to be discovered.

I remember once being at a meeting at the California state capital building one Friday noontime and the speaker shared with us a little wallet-sized card that listed the 12 Principles of AA's Steps. Someone had given it to him years before and he passed it around for each of us to look. I remember that I was so overjoyed that someone had discovered specifically what the damned principles were that were alluded to in the ending of the 12th step. Until that time, I had always held a resentment that Bill did not explicitly state what these principles were. In my mind, I thought that he should have included a parenthetical comment at the end of each step and summarized the principle for each step. The card listed 12 principles corresponding to each Step: Step 1 was Acceptance. Step 2 was Faith. Step 3 was Surrender/Trust.

I wrote them all down on the back of a checking account deposit slip and I've kept it in my wallet ever since. I'm not going to list them here because I eventually came to believe that this list has absolutely no "authority". It wasn't, as far as I know, something that Bill Wilson later wrote down or that has been adopted by the AA Fellowship. More importantly, I realized that what I was searching for, the authoritative list of AA principles, did not, could not and should not exist.

The unnamed principles referred to in the 12th step are known only to those who have worked these steps. Remember, this list on page 59 of "How It Works" -- which summarizes the 12 Steps of AA --- begins with the statement, "Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery." As it says in the pamphlet, "A Member's Eye View of AA" these are not "commandments to be followed but reports of action taken."

The summarized list cannot list static statements of principles because these principles are different for each person working each step. The principles should not be definitively listed because that would only mislead those who've yet to take these steps. If you want to learn the principle underneath the 1st step, then you must work that step. You don't have to work that step or any other step: remember, it's only suggested that you work the steps. But if you want to know the principle underneath or within any of these steps, you must work them. It will do you no good to be told what the principles are: you must work these steps before you will know these principles. And you must know these principles, before you can practice them in all your affairs.

I think I came to understand this whole philosophy of the steps very early in my recovery. I somehow discovered that the steps were something I needed to do honestly and without compromise. I needed to work them without pretending. Without faking it. Ok, there's really no mystery for me as to how I came to understand this rather unique view of how to work the steps. It was all a direct result of having encountered a man named Dr. Earle. He gave me that freedom. He taught me, with his actions, the "no bullshit program of AA."

Today, I heard some one's story and I was profoundly struck at how much emphasis she has come to place on the 1st Step in her own program of recovery. She's been in (and out) of AA for 15 to 20 years and is now celebrating 6 months of continuous sobriety. In the room, her younger brother sat and listened to his sister --- he'd never been to that meeting before and he was truly surprised when his sister went up to sit at the table in order to share her story with us. He too has been in (and out) of AA for almost as long as his sister and I suspect from the carefully chosen words he used during his comments this afternoon, that he has something less than 6 months of continuous sobriety.

Anyway, as she shared her story today, she talked about the importance of the 1st step in her program today. A half-measured 1st step has apparently been something that has repeatedly tripped her up in her attempts to get and stay sober. While there were periods of time, months and sometimes years, where she would seem to "get it" --- there had always come a moment when she'd forget...and then she'd drink and/or use...or use and/or drink. But, she had always come back to AA. She has been a persistent one and it was a pure joy to listen to her today.

At some point in her share, she mentioned something I'd never heard before and that was the "Three 'A's of AA: Awareness, Acceptance and Action". For her, all three were important in her working of the 1st step: becoming aware of who she is as an alcoholic, accepting who she is as an alcoholic and acting on or in conformity with that awareness.

Although I doubt she understands this, I'm looking back at her share this afternoon realizing that she's coming to understand the principles hidden in her 1st step: awareness, acceptance and action. And I can certainly identify these same principles in my 1st step: waking up one morning and becoming aware, once again, that "I can't stop drinking!" And then, for some reason, carrying that Step Zero thought one step further, I became aware that "Not being able to stop drinking is called 'alcoholism' --- that alcoholism is a disease and I just happen to have it!" That awareness was then followed, in a nanosecond, by the utter and penetrating acceptance that having this dis-ease was perfectly OK! Ahhhh!

The action for me is sort of odd in that I did it without moving my body. The action occurred that morning when imagined myself sitting in a big circle of people at my son's recovery program. It was at one of the Thursday night "Multi-Family Group" sessions. I'd been going to these Multi-Family Groups for about 10 months as my son was beginning his recovery and as I was falling farther and farther into my disease.

The parents of the kids who were in the Adolescent Chemical Dependency Program would sit in a circle, along with their recovering ones, as well as any other siblings who wished to join us for these sessions. The sessions were designed for us to talk about whatever was going on in our families as we were attempting to support the member of our family who was trying to get/stay clean and sober. At the beginning of these sessions, we'd start off by going around the room and we'd check in. Checking in for the parents meant saying along these lines: "I'm Mike, I'm here for my son Pat and we have had (or have not had...as the case may have been) a clean and sober house this past week. And I do (don't) have something to talk about tonight." If we did have something to talk about, the leader would make note of that and then the next person would check in.

Checking in for the recovering addicts meant saying, "I'm Pat and I'm an addict. I've been clean for X days/months. I haven't smoked cigarettes for 15 minutes (this program wanted the addicts to also stay nicotine free for 90 days in order to "graduate" from the program--my son, with his sponsors and parent's support, decided early on that staying free of alcohol and other drugs was big enough of a challenge at this point in his life without having to worry about dying of cancer later on... He'd deal with that later.). And I do (or don't) have something to talk about tonight.

For the past ten months, I'd lied every time I checked in to that Thursday night meeting. I lied when I said that we had a clean and sober household. It was a lie, not because of my son; it was my lie because there were only a handful of days/nights during those ten months when I walked into our house without alcohol in my body. But the morning of October 20, 2001 --- something different happened if only in my mind.

After waking up to the awareness of my incapacity to stop drinking and the acceptance of this physiological disease of mine --- I took the action of checking in to this imaginary group of people and raised my hand and said, "My name is Mike and I'm an alcoholic." When I took that action, albeit in my mind while laid there next to my sleeping wife of 20 years, something miraculous happened. I experienced a freedom from the obsessions (1) to drink and (2) to not be an alcoholic like my dad, that had plagued me for 30 years. I was free. While I couldn't stop drinking, I could try to stay sober one day at a time.

I floated in that freedom for three days before I attended my first meeting of AA. The first two days were just simple bliss, but I began to realize that this gift of sobriety was something very fragile. It wasn't the result of my thinking or figuring something out. It was a gift and I needed to nurture it. I quickly understood that I needed to do what my son had been doing. I shared my truth with my wife on the following Monday night---had I shared that with anyone before her would have hurt her even more deeply than the real daily betrayals I had been making with her in terms of my drinking for the last ten months.

After sharing this truth with my wife, I then shared this truth with my son who was then 5 months and 10 days ahead of me in this journey of recovery. His reaction my confession of absolute failure as a father and human being was astounding: "Gee, Dad, this is Great! We're both addicts!" I shook my head in disbelief and told him that although I wasn't all that thrilled about being an addict, I was overwhelmed with joy over the fact that we were going to be able to share our recovery with one another. Sharing that recovery wasn't something that I was able to do with my own father (he'd died of alcoholism some years before) but that I could share it with him was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life. Then I took my son to his NA meeting and I went on to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The principles of my 1st step now include Awareness, Acceptance and Action. What an amazing program!

Take care!

Mike L.

Monday, June 15, 2009

14th Dumbest Thing I've Heard in an AA Meeting

Some time ago, I wrote a blog entitled "The Top 10 Dumb Things I've Heard in AA"
http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com/2007/12/top-10-dumb-things-ive-heard-in-aa.html and in that blog I listed 13 of what I consider to be the dumbest things I've heard in AA since becoming a part of AA in 2001. Recently, I decided that I'd heard my 14th when I heard several sponsors talking about relapses by their sponsees. The so-called AA wisdom that they passed on to me basically says that if a sponsee of yours relapses, just ask yourself if you (the sponsor) drank. If not, then somehow you're still a sponsor in good standing.

While I certainly agree with the sentiment that I'm not responsible for a sponsee's getting sober (or drunk), I'm not at all sure I want to buy into the dispassionate distancing of myself from the various feelings I experience when I hear of a sponsee's relapse---or anyone else's relapse for that matter.

I recently did have a sponsee relapse after about 18 days of sobriety and when he called me during that relapse, I remember feeling a heightened sense of being alert, that this was important and that I should choose my words carefully so as to be as helpful as I could to this man. He'd begun drinking that afternoon and had several beers before deciding to call me. He was absolutely devastated that he'd drank and for some miraculous reason, decided to call me and talk about what was going on. I felt a tremendous amount of compassion for him. I felt some of the pain and agony that he was experiencing. I connected with the shame and guilt that he was feeling: I'm sure that I would have experienced something similar.

He's gotten sober since and although it was quite rough on him for the first week or two, he seems to be back on track now. Most of his struggles during those first two weeks were dealing with the self-imposed shame and guilt that he was feeling in terms of having somehow let us (those of us in AA) all down by drinking. He had a hard time raising his hand for awhile...but that hurdle seems to be something of the past now.

I struggled with him all through this ordeal, trying to find the right words that would help him move forward and not get bogged down in self-pity or isolation or "too much" despair (in my experience, there's a certain amount of despair that is required to let go of some old ideas....and there's a fine line indeed between that amount and the amount which leads to suicide).

I know that I'm susceptible to being too attached or co-dependent of my sponsees or other alcoholics. But I'm be damned if I'm going to play it safe in this life by detaching so much from other suffering alcoholics that I cut myself off from feeling the full range of feelings if and when one of them drinks again. I care for them and all other suffering alcoholics. I'm not going to hide behind some sort of flippant resort to take my own sobriety as the litmus test of how well I'm doing today.

True, my own sobriety is most important to me. But I'm not an isolated being any more. I feel connected to people again. Sometimes that hurts. That's perfectly OK. In fact, it's greaaaat!

Take care!

Mike L.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

AA began before Dr. Bob's Last Relapse

Yesterday I blogged about my thoughts about when AA began and how I am of the opinion that it began the day Bill Wilson almost drank again after having stayed sober for about 6 months. Instead of drinking that day, he decided to try to find another drunk to help get and stay sober. Because of that decision, I think AA came about. Because of that decision, he eventually went over to a stranger's house and sat at the man's table to try and help that man, Dr. Bob Smith, find a solution to his problem. The same problem that Bill had: alcoholism.

At that kitchen table, two men shared their stories and began to talk about the solution that was only in it's earliest infancy. The solution centered around staying sober one day at a time and helping another alcoholic get and stay sober.

But in yesterday's blog, I didn't talk about the most important reason I have for considering the date of that kitchen table encounter between Bill and Dr. Bob as the beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's because subsequent to that meeting, Dr. Bob, co-founder of AA, found it necessary to take another drink. Subsequent to that first meeting with Bill, Dr. Bob made a trip to Atlantic City for some sort of convention and during that trip he began drinking again. And he showed back up in Akron some days later drunk as a skunk and humiliated.

But there again was Bill, reaching out a hand to help a suffering alcoholic. Apparently, that drunk was Dr. Bob's most successful drunk ever because it led him to begin a new day with the hope that he could stay sober one more day. Strangely, from our perspective 74 years later, because Dr. Bob was scheduled to perform surgery the afternoon he returned from Atlantic City, he was shaking so badly from the withdrawal from alcohol, that Bill decided to give his co-founder a glass of beer to sooth his nerves and hands enough that he could perform that surgery with steady hands (and beer breath---I don't think they had Tic Tacs back then).

But the first thing these two guys did was set out on a path of action: no study of the Big Book or working of 12 Steps for them (since neither existed at that time). Nope, their program of action was the same that Bill latched on to in the lobby of the hotel just a few days prior: they had to find another drunk to help.

I personally feel it's important to acknowledge that one of our co-founders saw it necessary to drink again and that he survived that drink and went on to live out his remaining years sober and, critically important to that sobriety, helping thousands of other drunks get and stay sober. Dr. Bob is something of the Patron Saint of those who drink again after getting sober the first time. So those of you who feel overwhelmed with shame and guilt over having relapsed, take heart: you are not alone and, in fact, you're in some really great company.

Take care!

Mike L.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

AA's Beginning at a Kitchen Table

Over the last week or so, several people have asserted in meetings that June 10th was AA's 74th Birthday. And this has been irritating me no end. First of all, AA's not a human being, so it doesn't have a "birth" day --- it has an Anniversary. Second of all, and more importantly, while most people consider June 10, 1935 as the day AA began, that's not necessarily the case. While June 10, 1935 is the day that Dr. Bob got sober and stayed sober, that doesn't necessarily make it the beginning date of AA. In fact, there have been at least two people who would argue that AA began somewhat earlier than June 10, 1935. And while those two people differ in terms of what day AA actually began, they both agree that AA began at a kitchen table.

The first guy that I'm talking about is Ebby Thatcher. He believed that Alcoholics Anonymous had its real beginning when he went to visit his drunk friend Bill Wilson to share with him his new found sobriety. A sobriety that Ebby had found through the Oxford Groups. Ebby reached out to another drunk because reaching out to others was somehow a part of his staying sober. When he and Bill sat down at the Wilson's kitchen table, Bill noticed that something had changed with his formerly drunk friend Ebby and he eventually was devastated to learn that Ebby's solution to his drinking problems was to "get religion." Bill's devastation came because if religion was the solution, then he was doomed. Ebby would have difficulty actually staying sober over the remaining years of his life and it's reported that he held on to a resentment toward both Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob because they were elevated to the status as "C0-Founders" of AA and Ebby was left behind without such distinction or honor.

The second guy that I referred to above is me. While I don't think I'm the only one who believes that there's a beginning to AA that does not fall on June 10, 1935, I'm the only one talking about this right now. In my mind, the beginning of AA came about some weeks before Dr. Bob's getting sober on June 10, 1935: the real beginning occurred before Dr. Bob's last relapse, when he and Bill Wilson met and talked for several hours sitting at the Smith's kitchen table in Akron, Ohio. That meeting was, in my less than humble opinion, the real beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous.

When Bill Wilson made his business trip to Akron, Ohio he was about 6 months sober. His sobriety program included, among other things, the key ingredient of trying to help other alcoholics recover from their shared disease. The business deal fell through and in a moment of despair Bill found himself standing in the lobby of his hotel not knowing what to do: everything he'd worked for had failed, not only his business ventures, but also every attempt he'd made to help other alcoholics. None, other than him, had been able to stay sober. Standing there in complete despair, he looked at the door leading into the bar and he heard the voices and laughter and the tinkling of glasses. He thought about going in for just a soda -- maybe that would help bring him out of this doldrums. But for some reason, he had a second thought and that was the thought that eventually brought about the beginning of AA: "I need to find a drunk!". He knew that if he was to stay sober that day, he had to find another drunk to try and help.

That's when he say a sign in the lobby that listed various churches and phone numbers. He called several and eventually got hold of a woman who answered his call: He explained to her that he was an alcoholic and that he had been sober six months. He explained that he needed to find another drunk to help in order that he could stay sober. While she was not an alcoholic, this woman was part of a group of people (the Oxford Group again...) who included one member who seemed to fit Bill's requirements and that drunk was Dr. Bob Smith. The woman called Dr. Bob and he agreed to come over to her house and sit down with Bill for fifteen minutes---but no longer.

Bill went over to the woman's house and sat down with Dr. Bob at their kitchen table (not sure if that's factually true, but for now, humor me...) and they talked and listened to one another for hours. For both men, they identified with each other and their struggles with alcohol. They also identified with the inability to stop drinking and staying stopped. And Dr. Bob was taken with Bill's idea that the secret to staying sober was trying to help other alcoholics get and stay sober. Even though Dr. Bob drank again, on a business trip of his own, I still consider the date of these two men sitting down at the Smith's kitchen table as the real beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, I think that the fact that Dr. Bob drank again after this encounter with Bill Wilson is actually the most important argument for treating this kitchen date as AA's Anniversary! You see, the secret that they'd discovered---helping another alcoholic in order to stay sober---actually worked! Bill stayed sober. And eventually, Dr. Bob did too! And because the two of them committed themselves to this new AA adventure (ok, I know that they made this commitment on June 10, 1935!) this weird organization called AA came about and continues to this day.

I realize that in an organization's development, there are all sorts of various milestones and key events that lead to the organization's coming about and all are important in the overall process. But for me, lone wolf that I am, the key event in the coming about of AA was most clearly the day these two men sat down and shared their stories with one another. Had that not happened, it's not at all clear that AA as we know it would have come about. And if AA hadn't come about, I'm not at all sure I'd be sober today. Although, who knows: there are many kitchen tables out there and many struggling alcoholics. Who's to say that two other people---maybe even a woman!---wouldn't eventually have done the same thing that Bill and Bob did.

Take care! And Happy Anniversary fellow AAers, whatever day you want to celebrate it.

Mike L.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Object of Our Focus

In several recent meetings, people have been talking about their struggles with getting rid of defects of character. It's coming not so much from those new in the process, but from those with quite a few years. I've never been a big fan of this whole issue of defects of characters and I've written about that before, so won't repeat it here. What I haven't talked about though, is how I approach those things in me that I don't particularly like or which seem to cause me and/or others harm or hurt.

My approach, like most things AA, is not really original. I first learned about this technique by reading Dr. Paul O's story in the Big Book (Acceptance is the Answer) and seeing how he dealt with these defects in himself and in others by not focusing on them, but rather, focusing on what's good in others and in himself. He described this as his "magnifying mind" --- whatever he focused on got bigger. If he focused on his wife's weaknesses, it was the weaknesses that would grow and multiply. If, on the other hand though, he focused on the good qualities in his wife, those qualities seemed to magically grow. In fact, they grew so much that they seemed to annihilate the negative traits that used to occupy all his waking moments. He found the same thing to be true in terms of how he looked at himself: if he focused on the negative, the negative grew. If he focused on the positive, the positive grew.

I also learned about this different approach to living from Dr. Earle (also an author of one of the stories in the Big Book, Physician Heal Thyself). He too was not a big fan of the defect of character bandwagon in AA and didn't spend much time at all talking about such rubbish. He encouraged newcomers to not rush into the 4th/5th step process --- to hold off on that until at least a year of being sober. He felt that most of us were sufficiently convinced of how horrible we were as human beings that we didn't need to devote excessive energy in early recovery on giving more strength to such self-loathing and self-hatred. Of course, if someone had something really bothering them and weighing them down, he'd always make himself available to talk that stuff out so that it didn't drag us down into a dark hole---but for the most part, he suggested that people focus on healing their bodies, getting connected with others in recovery and getting settled in the "not drinking" part of the program.

In my own early recovery, I bought into the popular AA logic in terms of expending much energy trying to change myself and my surroundings and relationships. Tried to repair years of damage in a single bound only to cause even more harm and hurt. Eventually, I was convinced that that was not working and worse than not working, it was causing more harm. I became willing to try another way and that's when I started trying to develop the new habits of being kind toward myself and others, trying not to tear myself and others down by judgments and condemnation, trying to find compassion for myself and others.

Eventually, I started seeing that each of my so-called "defects" were like coins: they all had at least two sides. The side that I had always seen as the bad, negative and painful side. But they also had another side to them which seemed to balance things out for me: the other side was the good and the whole. Alcoholism is the best example of one of the coins: the negative side was easy (too easy) for me to see and document. But the positive side put things in balance: were I not an alcoholic, I would not have all that I have in my life right now: my recovery, my relationship with my son, my wife and other children. None of those relationships would be as deep and real as they are were it not for the fact that I am an alcoholic in recovery. And I wouldn't be an alcoholic in recovery if I had not been an alcoholic in my disease. Both sides of that coin are absolutely necessary, and therefore, good.

So in the end, I've come to see so-called defects of character not as cancerous growths requiring surgical removal. I see them more as leaves on the tree of my life: each and every one has a reason and a purpose. And each and everyone one of them will eventually serve it's purpose and will eventually fall to the ground. I don't need to rip them off: they will fall when it's their time.

My life goes though cycles of growth, hibernation, death and rebirth. Everything is perfect. Everything has been perfect. Everything will be perfect. Just the way it is.

Take care!

Mike L.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Alcoholic's Greatest Problem and Greatest Solution: The Ego

As I've mentioned in other recent blogs, two of my friends in AA have recently relapsed and while both are sober again each seem to be having their own struggles with the fact that they relapsed and with coming back into the rooms of AA and raising their hands, disclosing that they are once again in their 1st 30 days of sobriety.

I remember once listening to an old, now deceased, circuit speaker named Chuck Chamberlain. In his pitch, he said that the greatest problem and the greatest solution for the alcoholic was the Ego. Then he laughed and asked, "What's the Ego? Well, the best definition I've ever heard for ego is "The conscious feeling of being separate from. Separate from what? Separate from other people, separate from things, separate from God, separate from ourselves." When he wrote his book, which seems to be a verbatim transcription of his standard pitch, he included a drawing of this ego: it was a little stick figure (representing "me") standing alone and outside a big circle. Inside the circle were the words, "God, Other People, Things, Ourself".

I was immediately taken with this view of a person's total isolation and loneliness. Totally disconnected from anyone and anything. Alone. That was me toward the end of my drinking. Isolated and Alone. I couldn't let anyone "in" or within touching distance because I simply couldn't accept myself for who I had become: a drunk just like my dad.

Chuck C. refers to this isolated and lonely existence as the result of an unhealthy Ego. This sort of ego is one that separates us from others and from ourselves. For the alcoholic, it spells death because it's an existence that's provides the disease of alcoholism full reign over our body and choices. I understood immediately why Chuck characterized this as the alcoholic's greatest problem.

What was never clear to me though is what Chuck meant by his comment that the ego was also the source of the alcoholic's ultimate solution. It didn't seem to make sense and I listened to his tape multiple times trying to find out where he explained this strange and perplexing concept. I also bought his book and couldn't find any answers. So, I've made up my own.

The way I understand this healthy ego is by considering several concepts used in AA for a long time now: the deflation of the ego or ego deflation, and getting right-sized. Some people seem to take the approach that the ego is bad and must be demolished or annihilated. What little psychology I've had tells me that the ego is a essential component of being human. The unhealthy ego, it seems, is the sense of self that extends beyond who I really am and is used to keep others from getting close to or hurting "me". The healthy ego though, is more right-sized in some way and is not used to keep others away as it is to keep a healthy boundary between me and others. It accepts that human be-ing means getting close to others, touching, hurt, pain, love. It permits connection without loss of self.

A healthy ego does not cringe when someone gives them a compliment or expresses admiration. A healthy ego does not need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better or superior. A healthy ego can accomplish a moral inventory without over-exaggerating the good or the bad. In fact, the healthy ego doesn't have much use for such distinctions between good and bad. Whatever is, is. We see things clearly and try to find ways to do better in the future.

For the alcoholic, the healthy ego is one that accepts the truth of addiction and all its ramifications. It looks back to past actions when we were drinking and sees things for what they are. It sees the compulsion and the obsession underneath the behavior. It sees the craving, the need for more and more and more. It understands the need for abstinence. It understands the permanent and progressive nature of this disease and what will happen should I put alcohol or other mind-altering drugs in my body.

The healthy ego also has the ability to feel compassion toward others who share this disease, both when they are drinking and when they are striving to get and remain sober. The healthy ego has the ability to empathize with other alcoholics, to identify and connect with another person's struggles, confusion and fears. They can say with total honesty and compassion, "I understand. I've been there. Here, let me help you. There is a solution. Let's find it. You don't have to do this alone."

Take care!

Mike L.