The Last Roadblock to AA

I've been watching several people hovering around their bottom recently and it's given me an opportunity to remember back to the time just before I was struck sober and what was going through my mind when I was becoming truly convinced that I was totally incapable of stopping drinking. I remember the time well.

I was totally isolated and alone. Take that back: I was isolated, but I was rarely alone. There were people all about me during most of my days: at work, at home, my wife, my kids. No friends though. There were people all around me though: but I didn't connect with a single one of them at any point in my day. I was totally isolated in my "self" --- I was constantly thinking of when the next opportunity to drink would present itself and what I could do to make that opportunity happen sooner rather than later.

This state of affairs was most painful in two areas: my relationship with my wife and my relationship with my son Pat. My wife and I had been married for about 20 years at that time and there was a part of me that needed and wanted to confide in her what was going on with me. But I simply couldn't. If I told her anything even close to the truth about what was going on with me, it would eventually lead to her coming to the door which led to my drinking. I couldn't tell her how depressed and unhappy I was because she'd want to help me get help. But I was already getting the help I thought I needed and had to have: alcohol. Her kind of help would probably be a therapist any therapist would eventually ask me why I didn't stop drinking and when I answered (should I actually tell the truth---which would be unlikely) with "I can't" he'd naturally conclude that I was an alcoholic and that I needed to do something about that. Like Stop Drinking!

The hell of my existence though was that I couldn't tell people that I couldn't stop drinking because as soon as I did that they'd naturally expect me to....stop drinking! Fuck!!!

So I didn't really talk to my wife for those ten months before I got sober. I mean to talked to her, but I never said anything of significance or truth in terms of what was going on in my head or heart.

In terms of my relationship with my son, who was just beginning his own recovery from his addiction to drugs, it was almost as painful, if not more, as my (non-)relationship with my wife. I'd take him to and from his meetings almost every day between January 2008 and the time of my getting struck sober. While he was in the meetings, I was supposed (so my wife thought) to stay parked outside to wait for him and to make sure that he stayed in the meeting. The trust level between us and Pat was at an all time low.

But it was clear to me that Pat was really trying to get and stay clean and sober. Although there were many relapses in those first 4 months of 2008, something clicked on May 10, 2008 and he's been clean and sober since. But back then, I rationalized with myself that sitting outside of the meetings waiting for Pat and checking to make sure he stayed in the meetings was somehow "disloyal" and "un-trusting" of Pat. So I used that rationalization to make it OK to drive off and find a bar where I could drink while he was in the meetings. Perfect solution to all my problems.

That system worked until it didn't work. Toward the end, I was feeling more and more isolated and in pain. In the short time periods that I was able to drink without getting caught, I wasn't able to get enough alcohol in me to take away the pain. In those first ten months of 2008, I think I only really got dizzying drunk maybe three or four times (typically when I was away from home, but not always).

Toward the end, I would be sitting outside my son's meetings "wishing" that I could go in there and get better like he was getting better. What kept me from doing that? Well, that's the major roadblock that I found blocking my entry into the rooms of AA. The roadblock was that I got it in my head that the people in "those rooms" were people who could stop drinking and that I couldn't go into those rooms until I could stop drinking. That thought kept me out of AA for some days and weeks.

Ultimately what happened was that I woke up one morning after Pat had almost caught me drinking and as soon as I woke up I realized once again that I simply couldn't stop drinking. But for some reason, I then realized that "not being able to stop drinking" IS ALCOHOLISM! And that alcoholism is a disease. It's not my fault. It's just the way things turned out to be. What happened that morning is I truly and completely accepted the truth of my alcoholism and instead of continuing to "try to stop drinking" I began a new strategy: I began trying to stay sober, one day at a time.

That's when the roadblock disappeared for me. I didn't go to AA for another few days because I had some business to take care of first: (1) I needed to tell my wife what had been going on and what I was going to do about it and (2) I needed to tell my son the same thing. Both accepted me without condition and I then went to my first meeting of AA.

I didn't realize for some months what my last roadblock was and I still remember the day and the meeting that this realization came about. I was sitting in a meeting and that morning a young woman came in and raised her hand as being in her first 30 days....again. She'd been a part of that meeting for some time apparently and I could see the shame written all over her face when I said that she'd drank again and was back. I watched her during the whole meeting and I was searching for something I could say that might help her. Toward the end of the meeting I discovered what it was: she was ashamed because she couldn't stop drinking and because she was thinking that the rest of us in that room were able to stop drinking! So I raised my hand and welcomed her back and told her that she wasn't alone in this room, that she wasn't the only person in the room who couldn't stop drinking: because I couldn't, no, I can't stop drinking either! I can't stop drinking either.

Even though I was some months sober, I still perceive myself to be someone who can't stop drinking. What keeps me sober is (1) remembering that I can't stop drinking and (2) that I can try to stay sober today. That strategy had worked then for several months and it's still working today.

Take care!

Mike L.

Counting Days

Counting days can be helpful in terms of keeping ourselves grounded in reality. I got into the habit early on of making sure to let people know how much time I had when I talked in meetings. You see, I have always been great talker and "look-gooder" in my life -- but when I came into AA, it was important to me to let people know that while I might sound good and/or wise, I wanted them to know that this was more appearance than substance. I was 15 or 20 days sober....not 99 years. It helped me to keep my sharing "temporally" linked to my sober time. Most important though, the counting of days was something that got me focused on today, not yesterday or yesteryear, not tomorrow or infinity and beyond. Today.

Counting days can also be quite depressing, especially early on in the recovery process, when we seem totally unsure and/or incapable to stringing many of them together in a continuous line of days. I remember seeing people's names followed by numbers up on the Sobriety Birthday board at the Lafayette Hut shortly after I got sober: at first glance, I thought all of the numbers represented days, 6, 30, 48.... It wasn't too long before I realized that while some of those numbers represented days and some months, most represented years! Early in the process, I didn't really believe people who had years, especially lots of years. I only believed and trusted those who had days and months. They were like me. It didn't take me much longer to realize that all of these folks were like me and that they all had a first day, a first 30 days, etc. Some, but not all, had only one first day, one first 30 days, etc. But we all shared that we had some number of days and weren't ashamed or fearful of letting people know how many days we had sober. We let them know so that they could get to know us better and could be more helpful.

I heard someone say (or maybe this is my own original thought, who knows...plagiarism has become quite a habit in this program) that it's best to count days backwards. That is, instead of saying that I have 7 years, 6 months and 27 days.... It's better to count them backwards, starting with now.

I'm sober today, 26 days, 6 months and 7 years. And while I'm proud of the months and years --- today is the only one that really matters to me.

I'm sober today. Start off with that. Always!

Take care!

Mike L.

Recovery's Shelf Life: 24 Hours

I just got back from a noon men's meeting and the chair was a man who had 15 days sobriety. He'd had 12 years until about two months ago and then he went out. Took him 2 months to get back in and get 15 days sobriety. Great chair. No whining. Just what happened and how he got sober again. And what he learned about his disease and his recovery: the principal lesson learned was that he'd gotten disconnected from other recovering alcoholics/addicts and had stopped going to meetings.

When he was done, he called on a guy sitting next to him who had 28 days sober. Also a guy who had some sober time before (6 years) and who had relapsed about three years ago. In the last three years, he's had two periods of sobriety where he got 13 months sober---but each time he relapsed again over something: usually a resentment. Unlike the other guy, he had been going to meetings (about 14 meetings a week) and was very active in AA (was chair of the local Intergroup). But something (a resentment) ticked him off so much that he drank over it to get back at some old-timers who weren't giving him enough respect. He's 28 days sober today and tomorrow he's being arraigned for 2 counts of felony hit and run drunk driving.

These two shares were great for me to hear. Unlike some people in AA who think there should be a rule against newcomers with less than "x" amount of time (usually, I hear the limit set at 6 months), I think such an outright proscription against newcomers chairing a meeting or even sharing in a meeting is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of in AA. Shit! If newcomers couldn't tell their stories, the first five or so months of AA meetings back in 1935 would have been limited to members listening (or at least hearing!) Bill Wilson talking about his spiritual awakening....again and again and again....one fucking time after another! Not only would no one else got sober, I really doubt that Bill W would have been able to stay sober on just telling and retelling his story. And that would have been the end of AA's first attempt at existence.

Clearly, one of the most key aspects of the AA way of recovery is that we need other alcoholics in order to stay sober. We need to reach out to other alcoholics (sober, wet and dry!) if we are to have any chance at staying sober. And if all we're going to do is to talk "at" other alcoholics, no one's going to get sober and no one's going to stay sober.

The other important lesson I learned today is that the shelf life of AA recovery is about 24 hours and not much more. While I don't have the power to stop or control my drinking, I do have the ability to try and stay sober today. Not at all sure about tomorrow, but I think I can do this for the remainder of my day. I'll deal with tomorrow when it's today.

Take care!

Mike L.