AA Didn't Work for Him... Really?

I was listening to someone's chair/story the other day and he mentioned that before getting sober he once spent 5 years as a member of Synanon, founded by someone who'd once tried AA but found it didn't work for him.  During the discussion period afterward, someone shared that this Synanon founder eventually got drunk and died.  People laughed.  I admit that I joined them, chuckling by impulse, but something felt odd about laughing at someone's dying from this disease and also about their claim that AA didn't work for them.  The presumption seems to be that when people claim that AA didn't work for them, these people weren't ready or weren't willing to do what it takes for this program to work.  If AA doesn't work, it's not AA's fault.

I'm not sure that's always the case.  Does AA not work for some people?  Sure!  But why?  I've been mulling this over for awhile now and I want to share some of my thoughts on this topic. 

First, I don't think "AA" fails anyone.  AA is an organization and doesn't have some separate personal existence or identify that any one person can "experience" by walking into any particular meeting or by talking to any particular member of AA.  Whatever a meeting or member might do or say in terms of conveying the AA message (whatever that is...) to an interested non-member will never represent AA in it's entirety or completeness.  It will always fall short of the ideal that we each might have in mind when we think of AA in all its potential and beauty. 

To the extent that an incomplete or distorted message of recovery gets conveyed to the newcomer, that's not a failing of AA.  It's an unavoidable failing of that particular meeting or member of AA.  Unfortunately, far too many (one would be too many...) people experience such incomplete or poorly conveyed message of recovery by a group or individual.  We're not perfect, as a group or as individual members of AA.

Luckily for me, when I walked into my first meeting, I was just willing and desperate enough to overcome some of the defects/flaws in the messages being conveyed to me, intentionally or not, when I first started coming to AA meetings over 8 years ago.  And as I listen to or read stories from others, members or not, who had bad experiences when they first tried AA, I'm glad that I didn't face some of the intellectual hurdles others had to overcome in order to make it all the way into this weird organization called Alcoholics Anonymous. 

All that said, I don't want to become complacent and just trust that we're doing good enough for those who are willing and desperate enough to overcome all obstacles to giving AA a chance at providing a solution for suffering alcoholics.  It seems incumbant for us all to try to do everything we can to remove any obstacles to a suffering alcoholic's recovery as possible, to take care with our words and message so that we give as many people as possible an ability to find a solution like we have here in AA.  That's not to say that we try to become all things to all people: but it is to say that we should always strive to reach out to more people and to be more effective at conveying the AA message of recovery.

Secondly, I think that given the weirdness of this particular organization, where there is no Pope or ultimate authority or rigid structure/doctrine, the message conveyed to the newcomer will always include something of a mixed bag of fruit and nuts.  I personally think that there's as many ways to work this AA program as there are members of AA.  True, many might strongly disagree with that opinion of mine, but that really only proves my point because all of us who disagree and agree with that statement are still equal and full-fledged voting members of AA even though we have strong differences of opinions on pretty important inside issues.

These two points may appear contradictory: we need to do more and we will always fall short.  But that's not the only paradox I've found in my recovery or in the AA progam.  I'm sure it won't be the last either.  I'm grateful that AA has worked for me and has given me a framework through which I've been able to fashion a way of sober living that works just right for this alcoholic.

Take care!

Mike L.

What's So Important About Identifying AA's Birthday?

Several months ago, I posted a blog talking about when AA began. There had been much talk in meetings at the time about AA's "birthday" being June 10th because that was the day Bob sobered up from his last relapse. In my blog, I took the position that this June date was incorrect as far as I was concerned because I suspected the rationale underneath that was the supposed "unacceptability" of relapse and that AA certainly couldn't have one of it's founders relapse "after" AA officially began. My question to the Fellowship is: Why not?

http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com/2009/06/aa-began-before-dr-bobs-last-relapse.html

This week, I received a comment and opposing view on that blog from Dick B., a rather well known AAer, writer and historian.

Dick commented:

Interesting point about WHEN A.A. began. Lois thought it began back in New York. T. Henry thought it began when Dr. Bob dropped to his knees with the little fellowship and prayed for recovery. And some dispute the dates. However, as I wrote some time ago in The Akron Genesis of Alcoholics Anonymous, the key point is not WHEN A.A. began. The key point is that it did begin in Akron in 1935; and Bill and Bob dated the beginning of the first group Akron Number One as the day that A.A. Number Three Bill Dotson walked out of the hospital a free man. It should be noted that there were no Steps or Traditions or meetings or drunkalogs. And no Big Book. All three men turned to God for help and then were cured by the power of God. There's a lesson there.

http://www.dickb.com/index.shtml

God Bless, Dick B.

My response to Dick follows:

Dick--I agree that it doesn't really matter about WHEN AA began, but I wasn't trying to make a historical point. I was trying to make a "meaning" point --- which was that in my opinion (no authority needed for that) one of the most important points in time in the process of AA "becoming" was the talk between Bill and Bob at that kitchen table on Mother's Day, 1935. A talk that was, according to Bob's conditions for even meeting with this stranger, supposed to last no more than 15 minutes. It ended up lasting 6 hours more than those 15 minutes.

It was, according to the author of A Member's Eye View of AA, the first recorded time that one alcoholic reached out to another drunk with the intent to that it would help them stay sober.

You and I may disagree about when AA began, but that disagreement would be akin to a Pro Lifer and a Right to Lifer arguing about when "human life" begins: at conception? at birth? Who knows.

We also seem to disagree about the "key point" in terms of the importance of AA's beginning: you identify the importance being the turning to God for help and that God somehow cured these 3 men.

I rather think that the "key point" in AAs coming about was (and is!) the fact of two alcoholics coming together to help each other with their disease. In addition, one of the "key points" in this weird organization's continued success was the two early AAers who were atheists and what they did to ensure this organization would survive beyond a few weeks, months or years. These two atheists helped keep AA from becoming a religious, non-denominational or not, organization which it would have certainly become had these three supposed spiritual giants, Bill W., Dr. Bob and Bill D. had their way.

It was these two atheists who fought tooth and nail against the over-religiosity of early AA (under the strong influence of the Oxford Group and others...) and I believe it was that atheistic stubbornness which eventually resulted in several AA literary gems that many, many members now attribute as a major reason why they were and have been able to stay in AA: "Higher Power," "as you understand Him" and "a power greater than yourself". Those phrases didn't originate from Bill: they were pushed down his throat and the throats of the other pioneers of AA by two stubborn atheists. Not Agnostics. Atheists.

I personally think that AA's doing quite well today. I don't have any desire to get AA to get back to its roots. I suspect that you do -- I wish you well on your endeavor of herding cats.

The reason we don't do things like they did in the early days is not because we've become lazy or followers of Satan. We no longer do things like make newcomers kneel down in a room upstairs and say the 3rd step prayer BEFORE being allowed into their first meeting anymore BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK NOW and probably didn't work all too well back then...at least long term.

But that's my opinion. AA as an organization, and as a group, traditionally has "no opinions" on outside issues, but the fact that most people fail to understand is that as an organization, groups and members: AAers have ONLY opinions about INSIDE issues. Should we or anyone else disagree on that statement, well, that just goes to prove my point.

I suppose that is also another key reason I've been able to stay in this weird organization.

Take care Dick. I have to admit that I am honored to have such a well known AAer and historian visit my blog. That said, I'm not at all overwhelmed by your celebrity or supposed authority. I was mentored by one of the greats in AA and one of the great lessons he taught me was to be careful of the "I Know The Way Gang". There is no "outside authority" in or within AA: the only "ultimate" authority is what's found to be true in our individual hearts.

Our names for that ultimate authority are different; none of us has to be wrong.

Take care!

Mike L.

Sometimes the comments I receive are amazing and I hate to have them buried down so deep in the blog... So for this one, I thought I would like to highlight it a little.

Take care!

Mike L.

Just in Case You Didn't Know...

I really do love Alcoholics Anonymous. I really do.

I was reading another recovery blog yesterday and it contained a long diatribe against the "disease concept" of alcoholism and interwoven into the argument were constant negative shots against AA. I am very aware of the ongoing dispute between those who believe alcoholism is a "disease" and those for whom this is a "choice". But what struck me was that the author was so adamant in his dislike of AA. There was nothing good in it and nothing good has come from it.

I then looked at my own blog, especially my recent "dumbest things heard in AA meeting" blogs and realized that I might be coming across in the same way. I do love AA no matter how much I might want to distance myself from some of those who understand AA to be something far different than it is for me. But you see, that's why I love AA so much. It allows me to continue being a full fledged member while I speak up against some of what I consider to be distortions in how it's being played out by other members. I really think this is the first group where I might be able to stay!

One thing that the article's author said of AA is that it has certain "dogma" that members must believe. While I know that there may be certain beliefs that some members or groups would be unanimous in supporting or disputing, the fact is that there are no dogmas in AA. There's nothing you can believe that would get you excommunicated from AA. Nothing. Worse case is that a particular group might vote you out of their meeting, but there's nothing keeping you from going to another meeting or, for that matter, starting another meeting on your own. All you need to do is find another suffering alcoholic with a desire to stop drinking --- and with enough patience to deal with your bullshit. I suspect that you'll need to lay down your sword in terms of whatever burr you have up your saddle long enough to reach out to this other alcoholic who is struggling with the life and death issue of how to stop drinking. But that will be within your reach if you want to do it.

I've belonged to organizations which have dogmas and they've never gone over well with me. AA's the first organization which seems to have a unlimited level of tolerance for those with different beliefs and/or ways of seeing things. While most members of AA will probably side with the "disease" concept, I'm sure that there will be a significant number who would love to sit down with other alcoholics who have come to an opposite conclusion on this matter. Me for example.

I certainly see where the disease argument can be misused to escape personal responsibility for our actions. While I personally don't think I chose to be an alcoholic, I did freely choose to drink alcohol. At some point, I think that my freedom to choose to drink started to diminish due to the disease of alcoholism: that is, my body was reacting differently to alcohol than the body of a non-alcoholic. That said, I can still agree with the "choice" view of things: I was choosing to drink even though I had the disease of alcoholism. For me, it was more of an issue of "diminished capacity" to make a free choice.

Anyway, I wanted to clarify where I stand with AA today. My blog has been a safe place for me to talk about some things that bother me about AA or about other AAers --- but nothing I've said here in cyberspace is something that I haven't already said in AA meetings. And in most all of the meetings I go into, I feel like Norm walking into Cheers. I'm welcomed.

I go to a large number of meetings each week and in addition to those which I consider my "home groups" I also go to meetings where I'm not known or to meetings where I'm sure to disagree with the general outlook of those present. I like going into such meetings, not to be disagreeable (there's really no point in doing that!) but to feel apart of that fellowship, to listen to other views, to find tolerance and acceptance within myself and within others. But mostly, because I'm in need of being around other suffering alcoholics.

And I've found that there's a very high probability of finding such suffering alcoholics in AA meetings. Haven't found one yet without at least one other suffering alcoholic.

So, if I haven't said it often enough: thank you Bill and Dr. Bob! The miracle that happened around that kitchen table has continued to grow and multiply and it's in large part due to the basic guidelines you two fashioned way back when.

Take care.

Mike L.

Yet Another Dumbest Thing I've Heard in a AA Meeting

I guess this is becoming something of an ongoing series, Dumbest Things I've Heard in AA Meetings. This will be volume 3 or the 15th Dumbest Thing: I Finally Got Tired of Working "My Program" and Started Working "The Program" (as found in the 1st 164 pages of the Book) of Alcoholics Anonymous. Once someone makes this statement, either about themselves or about someone else (e.g., are you tired of working "your program" yet? If so, maybe you'd like to try "the program of AA"?) they then point out the specifics of "the program" which will usually be something along these lines: work the steps, get a sponsor, get a higher power and get into service. Well, if that's the program as defined in the 1st 164 pages, then we'll need to take out the "get a sponsor" piece of the program because the word "sponsor" or "sponsorship" isn't to be found in the 1st 164 pages. So much for "The Program".

The idea that there is a single and narrowly defined program of AA irks me no end and seems go against the very foundations of what Bill, Dr. Bob and the early members of AA discovered to work. It's clear to me (I suppose as clear as the opposite view is to those who disagree with me) that the program that's outlined in the book is very generalized and designed to be customized by each person who decides to try it out.

As an organization, we've had no reticence in letting other 12 step fellowships take these steps and use them in other non-alcoholic contexts. Take 'em! Use them in any way that you find works for you! And isn't it strange that this dogmatic view of AA is not found in any official AA literature? Why's this narrow view of AA's program limited only to stories about single individuals and what they said to someone sometime?

In fact, I most recently read about an instance of this happening when someone who follows this blog went to her 2nd meeting and was approached by an oldtimer who asked her if she was tired of working "her program"? What was strange to me is that except for that one idiot, this woman heard all sorts of good and encouraging things said at that meeting: but it seems all she walked away with was the narrowness of this one guy's view and how uncomfortable it made her feel. She'd almost completely forgotten all the good things she had heard in that same meeting.

Find out what works for you and what does not. We can't tell you what to do because (1) that doesn't seem to work for people like us (and we are all about effectiveness!) and (2) we aren't you and what works for any one of us might get you drunk! All I can tell you is what has (and hasn't) worked for me. All "we" can tell you is what has worked for many of us --- but that's not to say that it will work for you. But it might. And you might want to give this a shot if what you've been trying hasn't been working for you. We've got lots of suggestions, so if one thing doesn't work, keep listening and you may hear someone tell your story and it might include some other tool that will work for you.

Or, think completely outside of the box: that's what Bill and Dr. Bob did. And that's what they suggested that others do on page 164: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us." Why is it that we're afraid to admit that we know only a little? That new things might be disclosed to us and others? Or even that old things might actually work (or not work)? We're a fearful lot.

Thank God we don't have to do this alone. Or perfectly. Or the exact way that others do it.

Find your program. Find your Truth. I think that you'll find that most of us a sitting here cheering you on and hoping that you find something that works for you and that when you do find something that does work, that you'll share it with us so that we might give it a shot ourselves. So go ahead and think outside the box. And don't be afraid of thinking in the box either. Who knows, it (whatever that is) might very well work. Even though "sponsor" is not in the first 164 pages, it has been something that has been helpful to me.

Take care!

Mike L.

AA began before Dr. Bob's Last Relapse

Yesterday I blogged about my thoughts about when AA began and how I am of the opinion that it began the day Bill Wilson almost drank again after having stayed sober for about 6 months. Instead of drinking that day, he decided to try to find another drunk to help get and stay sober. Because of that decision, I think AA came about. Because of that decision, he eventually went over to a stranger's house and sat at the man's table to try and help that man, Dr. Bob Smith, find a solution to his problem. The same problem that Bill had: alcoholism.

At that kitchen table, two men shared their stories and began to talk about the solution that was only in it's earliest infancy. The solution centered around staying sober one day at a time and helping another alcoholic get and stay sober.

But in yesterday's blog, I didn't talk about the most important reason I have for considering the date of that kitchen table encounter between Bill and Dr. Bob as the beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's because subsequent to that meeting, Dr. Bob, co-founder of AA, found it necessary to take another drink. Subsequent to that first meeting with Bill, Dr. Bob made a trip to Atlantic City for some sort of convention and during that trip he began drinking again. And he showed back up in Akron some days later drunk as a skunk and humiliated.

But there again was Bill, reaching out a hand to help a suffering alcoholic. Apparently, that drunk was Dr. Bob's most successful drunk ever because it led him to begin a new day with the hope that he could stay sober one more day. Strangely, from our perspective 74 years later, because Dr. Bob was scheduled to perform surgery the afternoon he returned from Atlantic City, he was shaking so badly from the withdrawal from alcohol, that Bill decided to give his co-founder a glass of beer to sooth his nerves and hands enough that he could perform that surgery with steady hands (and beer breath---I don't think they had Tic Tacs back then).

But the first thing these two guys did was set out on a path of action: no study of the Big Book or working of 12 Steps for them (since neither existed at that time). Nope, their program of action was the same that Bill latched on to in the lobby of the hotel just a few days prior: they had to find another drunk to help.

I personally feel it's important to acknowledge that one of our co-founders saw it necessary to drink again and that he survived that drink and went on to live out his remaining years sober and, critically important to that sobriety, helping thousands of other drunks get and stay sober. Dr. Bob is something of the Patron Saint of those who drink again after getting sober the first time. So those of you who feel overwhelmed with shame and guilt over having relapsed, take heart: you are not alone and, in fact, you're in some really great company.

Take care!

Mike L.

AA's Beginning at a Kitchen Table

Over the last week or so, several people have asserted in meetings that June 10th was AA's 74th Birthday. And this has been irritating me no end. First of all, AA's not a human being, so it doesn't have a "birth" day --- it has an Anniversary. Second of all, and more importantly, while most people consider June 10, 1935 as the day AA began, that's not necessarily the case. While June 10, 1935 is the day that Dr. Bob got sober and stayed sober, that doesn't necessarily make it the beginning date of AA. In fact, there have been at least two people who would argue that AA began somewhat earlier than June 10, 1935. And while those two people differ in terms of what day AA actually began, they both agree that AA began at a kitchen table.

The first guy that I'm talking about is Ebby Thatcher. He believed that Alcoholics Anonymous had its real beginning when he went to visit his drunk friend Bill Wilson to share with him his new found sobriety. A sobriety that Ebby had found through the Oxford Groups. Ebby reached out to another drunk because reaching out to others was somehow a part of his staying sober. When he and Bill sat down at the Wilson's kitchen table, Bill noticed that something had changed with his formerly drunk friend Ebby and he eventually was devastated to learn that Ebby's solution to his drinking problems was to "get religion." Bill's devastation came because if religion was the solution, then he was doomed. Ebby would have difficulty actually staying sober over the remaining years of his life and it's reported that he held on to a resentment toward both Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob because they were elevated to the status as "C0-Founders" of AA and Ebby was left behind without such distinction or honor.

The second guy that I referred to above is me. While I don't think I'm the only one who believes that there's a beginning to AA that does not fall on June 10, 1935, I'm the only one talking about this right now. In my mind, the beginning of AA came about some weeks before Dr. Bob's getting sober on June 10, 1935: the real beginning occurred before Dr. Bob's last relapse, when he and Bill Wilson met and talked for several hours sitting at the Smith's kitchen table in Akron, Ohio. That meeting was, in my less than humble opinion, the real beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous.

When Bill Wilson made his business trip to Akron, Ohio he was about 6 months sober. His sobriety program included, among other things, the key ingredient of trying to help other alcoholics recover from their shared disease. The business deal fell through and in a moment of despair Bill found himself standing in the lobby of his hotel not knowing what to do: everything he'd worked for had failed, not only his business ventures, but also every attempt he'd made to help other alcoholics. None, other than him, had been able to stay sober. Standing there in complete despair, he looked at the door leading into the bar and he heard the voices and laughter and the tinkling of glasses. He thought about going in for just a soda -- maybe that would help bring him out of this doldrums. But for some reason, he had a second thought and that was the thought that eventually brought about the beginning of AA: "I need to find a drunk!". He knew that if he was to stay sober that day, he had to find another drunk to try and help.

That's when he say a sign in the lobby that listed various churches and phone numbers. He called several and eventually got hold of a woman who answered his call: He explained to her that he was an alcoholic and that he had been sober six months. He explained that he needed to find another drunk to help in order that he could stay sober. While she was not an alcoholic, this woman was part of a group of people (the Oxford Group again...) who included one member who seemed to fit Bill's requirements and that drunk was Dr. Bob Smith. The woman called Dr. Bob and he agreed to come over to her house and sit down with Bill for fifteen minutes---but no longer.

Bill went over to the woman's house and sat down with Dr. Bob at their kitchen table (not sure if that's factually true, but for now, humor me...) and they talked and listened to one another for hours. For both men, they identified with each other and their struggles with alcohol. They also identified with the inability to stop drinking and staying stopped. And Dr. Bob was taken with Bill's idea that the secret to staying sober was trying to help other alcoholics get and stay sober. Even though Dr. Bob drank again, on a business trip of his own, I still consider the date of these two men sitting down at the Smith's kitchen table as the real beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, I think that the fact that Dr. Bob drank again after this encounter with Bill Wilson is actually the most important argument for treating this kitchen date as AA's Anniversary! You see, the secret that they'd discovered---helping another alcoholic in order to stay sober---actually worked! Bill stayed sober. And eventually, Dr. Bob did too! And because the two of them committed themselves to this new AA adventure (ok, I know that they made this commitment on June 10, 1935!) this weird organization called AA came about and continues to this day.

I realize that in an organization's development, there are all sorts of various milestones and key events that lead to the organization's coming about and all are important in the overall process. But for me, lone wolf that I am, the key event in the coming about of AA was most clearly the day these two men sat down and shared their stories with one another. Had that not happened, it's not at all clear that AA as we know it would have come about. And if AA hadn't come about, I'm not at all sure I'd be sober today. Although, who knows: there are many kitchen tables out there and many struggling alcoholics. Who's to say that two other people---maybe even a woman!---wouldn't eventually have done the same thing that Bill and Bob did.

Take care! And Happy Anniversary fellow AAers, whatever day you want to celebrate it.

Mike L.

How to Stop Drinking...

Even though it's March (a time when I'd normally spend more time thinking and writing about the 3rd step....), I've found myself going back to the 2nd and even the 1st step this last week or two. I think it's because I have a god son who I believe is struggling with this dis-ease of alcoholism. And I'm trying to figure out what I can do to help him find a solution to that problem. His father, a close friend of mine, just recently suspected that his 25 year old son is an alcoholic and is somewhat ashamed that he hasn't seen all of the signs of that addiction over the last five or so years. How could he not have seen it?

So anyway, he went to his son and suggested that he might be an alcoholic and that maybe he should try going to an AA meeting. Although the son seemed to be in agreement that he had a problem with drinking, he was just not going to go to "one of those fucking AA meetings!" The father called me and asked if I would a "huge favor" and talk to his son. He said that John was open to talking to me after learning that I was a recovering alcoholic and that my son is a recovering addict with more time clean that I have. John was open to talking to me... I've called him and left a voicemail but haven't heard back from him yet (it's been 2-3 days now since I called and left the message). Sent him a text message this morning. Still no reply. I've now sent some recommendations to his parents regarding Alanon so that they start getting some help themselves. I might take my own recommendation and attend some Alanon meetings myself!

Now, someone reading this blog might be wondering, Why did you call this post "How to Stop Drinking" when you really haven't talked about that at all? Well, there's a reason to my madness.

Since I haven't heard back from John yet, I thought to myself, "what's probably going through his mind and where might he search for an answer (if not from Mike L.)?" Well, methinks "Google"!

John might try one last ditch effort to avoid both AA and Mike L. by searching Google for a easier and more palatable solution to his problem. Assuming he has some inkling that the problem might be his inability to stop drinking, I thought he might do a Google search for "How to Stop Drinking". Such a search might now take him to this post. If so, "Hi John!" If you are not John, but are searching for the secret to stopping drinking, you've come to the right place.

I too searched for a way to stop drinking. Of course, that search to find a way to stop only began later in my life when I reached a point in my own drinking when I simply couldn't stop drinking. Prior to that, or for most of my drinking career, I wasn't seeking for a way to stop: I was seeking a way to control my drinking. Ultimately, that effort began to fail more and more frequently. And things got so bad for me that I sought not only to control, but to stop completely. That day didn't come until January 2001 when my son began his own recovery program to deal with his drug addiction. He was 15 and he reached the point of no return much much sooner than I did.

Until that day (I was 48 years old and I had been drinking for about 30 years), I had been able to stop! In fact, I proved that "I could stop" thousands of time between the age of 18 and 48. But at age 48, there came a day when I knew without question that I couldn't stop. And I didn't. I kept drinking for another 10 months. Hiding my drinking from everyone but me.

Then one morning, I woke up and realized that not being able to stop drinking is called, "alcoholism". I knew (from some education I'd received while my son---Pat---was going through treatment) that alcoholism was a disease and that I just happened to have it. All of a sudden, I looked back at all I had been doing to escape from alcoholism and all I saw was alcoholism. I stopped running that morning and I stopped stopping. For me, the answer to the question, "How do I stop drinking?" is "I can't."

That may sound strange coming from someone who's now been sober for 7+ years, but I never say that I stopped drinking back then. I say that what happened that morning was "I stopped trying to stop drinking and began trying to stay sober, one day at a time." I've been able to do that for awhile now and I'm no longer expending huge efforts at trying to stop drinking. Turns out, it takes zero effort "not to drink" --- it takes huge efforts to try and control my drinking! And it takes huge efforts trying to stop drinking! But "not doing something" actually takes no effort at all.

There is effort involved in staying sober, but I've found it nothing like what it was taking to try and hide/control my drinking. The effort involved with staying sober will be different for each person: mine involved getting to meetings on a very regular basis, getting a sponsor that I could trust and talk to about all that was going on with my life now that I was sober, talking in meetings, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, etc.

Whatever. I've found a way of living that exceeds all past expectations. Take care!

Mike L.

Ahhh, The Good ol' Days....

An AA friend passed on to me an email that's circulating around the Internet by some AAer going on at some length about how AA has gotten corrupted as a result of treatment centers and the influx of their graduates into the rooms of AA and that, as a result, our proven "success rate" (whatever that is and however anyone could ever measure that!) has dwindled to unacceptable levels. The email basically concludes that the only solution is to get back to the basics, go back to doing it that way they used to do it in the good ol' days of early AA. Ahhh, then things will be as they should be!

I think not.

The email resulted in my own counter-rant email to my friend --- a rant against the position espoused by the forwarded email's anonymous author. I even forwarded my AA friend a link to a previous blog of mine on this dangerous theme of some old timers that we need to get back to the way it was done when they were getting sober. I mean, why not get some more mileage out of that previous rant of mine? Anyway, apparently, I've still got some steam in me over this, so I thought I'd let it go here.

First of all, one of the cornerstones of early AA (at least as I read it...) is their humility. They didn't claim to have found a conformist or dogmatic cookie cutter kind of a program that would work for everyone in exactly the same way. They knew that such a dogmatic approach wouldn't work for alcoholics like them. I suspect if the early timers in AA heard the dogmatic "back to basics" chanting of some of the folks I hear in AA meetings today, they'd stand up and tell these "I Know the Way" gang of folks to sit down and shut up. They want to hear more about what happened to these folks who found part of their answer by means of a treatment center....

They might remind us to re-read that paragraph toward the end of the first part of the Big Book, on page 164, where they closed this section with the most clear statement of their humble, not know-it-all approach to a program of recovery: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us."

Why is it these "Beware the end of AA is near-sayers" don't consider that treatment centers are part of this "more" that would be disclosed to us?

Why is it they don't consider that the reason AA stopped doing things like they did in the good ol' days---like having newcomers get down on their knees and saying/doing their 3rd step prayer before ever being allowed into an AA meeting---is that this shit didn't work? They adapted and looked for ways that worked more effectively at allowing people to come into the rooms of AA and to stay as long as they wanted.

Why is they seem to be fighting a never ending battle against the trends currently being seen in AA where we are more and more tolerant of others and their paths into the rooms of AA? Weren't we supposed to get to a point where we ceased fighting everyone and everything? Isn't that one of the "basics" old time AA? The grumpy old men and women who chided new and not so newcomers for identifying as "andas" (alcoholic and a addict) seem to be dying out now and it just doesn't seem to bother most folks how other folks identify themselves in an AA meeting. Personally, I don't see a distinction between alcoholic and addict. Alcohol is a drug. A recovering addict will not do well in their recovery if they consider alcohol "less than" any other drug. A recovering alcoholic will not do well on any sort of marijuana maintenance program. We all know that. I really have more important things to do in my life than concern myself with these semantic nonsensical pissing matches.

In fact, I think I'm done with this rant. Feel better now.

Take care.

Mike L.

The Twelves Steps of AA: A Circular Not Linear Process

Early on in my recovery, I heard quite a few people motivate themselves and others in terms of working the steps by means of the following "carrot": if you work the steps (in order, of course) you will have a spiritual awakening, and thereby, be able to stay sober. That always sort of bothered me because my experience was that I had such a life changing and obsession obliterating spiritual awakening two days before my first AA meeting and as a result of that experience, my obsession to drink vanished and has yet to return in over six years.

I even remember one meeting where an oldtimer told the group that the only way to have this spiritual awakening was by working all twelve of the steps! Luckily, another oldtimer chimed in and offered a dissenting view: that the 12th step says: After having had "a" spiritual awakening as the result of these steps... It didn't say: "Only after having worked these steps did we have a spiritual awakening... " AA is not in charge of doling out "spiritual awakenings" and such awakenings are not the sole possession of recovering alcoholics or AA.

That said, I do believe that my own spiritual awakening happened on the morning of October 20, 2001 and I also believe that that spiritual awakening was a direct result of the working of the 12 steps of AA. But it wasn't me who worked the 12 steps that led to my awakening, it was my 15 year old son and two other young people who began getting clean and sober earlier that year in 2001. My son Pat began his recovery at 15 years old in January 2001, roughly speaking, when he began a drug treatment program at Kaiser. When he began his recovery, it was the first time in my life when I couldn't stop drinking. Until then, I could stop and I proved I wasn't an alcoholic many many times by demonstrating to myself and others, if necessary, that I could stop anytime I wanted to. I did that stopping many many many times. The stopping would always end up with a "starting" though --- whenever I got to the point that I (and hopefully others) was convinced that I had actually stopped.

Well, when Pat started his recovery, I couldn't stop drinking. Sure, I could manage it somewhat and keep it hidden (it was horrible!!!), but I couldn't stop. For about ten months, I think I drank some alcohol almost every day "in secret". Usually while Pat was safely in his 12 step meetings.

Although it took him some months to actually "lapse" in his using/drinking, it will soon be seven years since his last use of a mind-altering drug. His awakening or moment of clarity happened May 10, 2001. In June, he'll turned 22 years old.

My guess is that Pat's waking up was the direct result of someone else becoming transformed via the 12 steps and this program of recovery. I know without question, that my awakening on the morning of October 20, 2001 was a direct result of Pat and two other kids getting clean and sober and working this process to the best of their ability, one day at a time.

In this way then, I see the 12 steps as being a circular process beginning at Step 1 and working around a circle "clockwise" until we get to 12: when we do that, somehow the miracle of AA spreads to another and allows them to begin their own personal journey of recovery at Step 1, and so on and so on. The process is certainly not linear, not something that we go through and complete---no such thing as a AA graduation or "certificate of completion". It's a ongoing, ever evolving process.

While the disease of alcoholism/addiction may be genetic in nature, I've become absolutely convinced that recovery is wildly contagious and impacts all others around us, whether we know it or not.

Take care!

Mike

An Improved Vocabulary

I was in a meeting the other evening and the chair noted that she was feeling like her life at 12+ years sober was "unmanagable" and then went on to describe some of the circumstances or situations underneath that so-called unmanagability. Her topic was the 1st step and how were people dealing with unmanagability.

As I listened to this woman's share, I began to sense that what she was describing as "unmanageable" wasn't really what I would call "unmanageable". It was something else... It seemed to be more of a feeling of "discomfort" or "uneasiness" with the situations in which she found herself at this time in her life. She wanted things to be different than they were, especially on an emotional level. That they weren't different when she wanted them to be was being categorized as a sign of her life being "unmanagable." I'm not sure if it was her life that was unmanagable as much as it was her feelings of discomfort and dis-ease. I shared this sentiment at group level and her head seemed to nod as though my words were helpful.

Since that meeting, I've begun to reflect on the fact that one of the greatest gifts I've received over the last six years of sobriety has been the gift of a greater vocabulary for my feelings and emotions. When I got sober, I had only a few words to describe whatever emotional state I found myself: 1. Fine, 2. Depressed. 3. Angry (especially if you kept pestering me about why I was depressed!), 4. Getting Angry and 5. I dunno.

I think that of those five words or phrases, I liked "Fine." the best. For me, "Fine" meant that I really had no clue as to what I was feeling and no care about finding out. True, I took "Fine" and "I dunno" to be synonymous, but Fine seemed to work better with my wife, most of the time at least. "I dunno" made me sound like a 48 year old idiot.

Finding out what I was feeling was painful and I didn't like pain. When I felt pain, I drank. Now that I think of it, when I didn't feel pain, I drank: not to feel, but to feel "better".

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I received some great mentoring on dealing with emotions and feelings when I came into AA. I was taught that there were no good or bad feelings. Feelings were without moral judgment or categorization. In addition, I was taught a whole new vocabulary for human emotions and this vocabulary is expanding at an exponential pace. Anger, saddness, sorrow, joy, fear, love, frustration, tenderness, passion, grief, jealousy, excitement, anxiety, comfort, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, etc. Oh, and of course, Fine. I actually do feel "fine" sometimes. It's ok. In fact, "I dunno" is a great tentative response to someone's inquiry as to how I'm feeling or doing: if I don't know the answer, that fact can get me to begin listening more carefully to what's going on within me.

Another thing that I've learned recently about feelings is that they are not static and unchanging. They are in a constant state of flux and change. Some times that change is almost imperceptable, but the fact is if I'm getting frustrated about the fact that I'm still feeling "anxious" about something, then my feeling has already changed! It's no longer "anxiety" it's now "frustrated anxiety"! I'm making progress. I'm walking through it and I'm not being destroyed or annihilated by my feelings.

In fact, my feelings are becoming my greatest teacher and mentor as I go through my life. They tell me much about myself. I used to blame my feelings on external things (e.g., my wife, my son, my boss, my "situation", my father, etc.). "They" were the cause/source of my unwanted (or wanted) feelings. What I've learned, or rather, what I'm learning now is that my feelings are just a reflection of how I'm choosing to perceive life. Sometimes that "choosing" is done out of habit or ignorance, but I can break habits and become more learned about my self and my life. My recovery work is certainly an "inside job" and really doesn't need to involve all those significant others out there in my life. It's amazing how much "better" all of them have become since I've started taking care of myself!

Take care!

Mike L.

Will AA ever come to mean "Addicts Anonymous"?

Dr. Earle once wrote that he believed that some day, not sure how far off in the future he was thinking, but that one day AA would come to mean "Addicts Anonymous" instead of Alcoholics Anonymous. Knowing both the author of that statement and the context of this statement, I know that this prediction was one of hope rather than regret or disappointment. He thought that not only was it an inevitable evolution, it was a desirable one.

FYI: If you'd like to express your opinion via a "Poll", I've set one up over to the right side of this blog... You've got four options: Yes (and it's good or bad) and No (and it's good or bad). You're also free to express your comments on this topic by clicking on the, that's right, the "Comments" link at the bottom of the post....

Personally (and everything thing here is personally!), I agree with this sentiment or view.

While I am one of the few AAs I know with 6 years sobriety who "only" abused alcohol and not other drugs, I have no question that my disease is one that applies to any mind altering substance.

I suspect that while some members of AA have the desire to keep AA "pure" and separate from NA, I strongly suspect that all of them would not like to have a member of AA secretarying or chairing a meeting of AA while admitting that they actively use and abuse pot, heroin or some other drug. By the way, when I say "other drug" I do that consciously to indicate that alcohol "is" a drug. In that regard, I like NA literature's declaration that alcohol is a drug and that they don't particularly care what drug an addict uses or is addicted to, a drug is a drug.

Around here where I go to meetings, it appears by people's talk and their non-reaction to people expressing the reality of those "other" (not alcohol) drugs in their stories or shares, but I suspect most would try to "toe the line" if forced to give an opinion about how AA should evolve on this issue. There'd be immediate references to "singleness of purpose" (dealing with addiction is good for me) and/or "primary purpose" (which always makes me wonder what AA's secondary purpose is....and why can't it be the broader scope of "addiction" rather than just the single and narrow scope of alcoholic addiction?) and it would eventually degenerate into a never ending argument.

Which is why I think we're just in the initial and necessary stage of this inevitable evolution of this disorganized organization.

Anyway, I was feeling a little bored and thought this post might generate some thinking...

Take care.

Mike

How's Your AA Program Working for You?

This was the topic of the Concord Fellowship meeting this morning. After the great chair, I didn't really have anything of interest to say on topic so I kept quiet for most the meeting and did something unusual for me: I listened. Normally what I'd do is not listen and try to think of something interesting to say on topic. And if those potential shares bore even me, I usually don't grace others with my boring share. This morning I bored myself with ego-based, ego-building thoughts of all the great albeit obsessive things I do as a part of my program....lots of meetings, reading, meditation, sponsoring, blah, blah, blah. It bored me so quickly and completely that I stopped and listened to what others were saying.

And then someone said something that got me to thinking about another less ego-based way to assess how I was working my program: have them ask my wife of 26+ years 'how is Mike working his program?'. THAT would give a valuable and in some ways more truthful perspective on how my program is really working!

I remembered back to when I was about 18 months sober and I was feeling a little stuck in the process of the steps. I had then inner sense that I was done with the third step but didn't have either the sufficient amount of pain or desire for more happiness to motivate me enough to begin the 4th/5th step process...

Anyways, I was sitting in my living room 18 months sober talking with my youngest daughter (who for various reasons has adopted the role of my personal Protector when anyone dares to hurt her dad) and my wife (who's never deemed the need to take on that particular role!). I can't remember the context of what happened, but at one point my wife said something to my daughter to the effect that 'Well, Dad's just a drunk...'. Now, she didn't mean that to sound as mean as it might out context, but daughter The Protector shot back that 'Mom! Dad's a recovering alcoholic! He's been sober for almost 2 years!'. My wife/her mom just looked over to me and said, 'I know that....but when's he going to change?'

Ouch.

Now that also was not as mean as it might sound out of context. But it hit me square in the middle of my gut. She was right. I had been not drinking and/or sober for 18 months, but bottomline, I hadn't really changed much of my day-to-day behavior during that time. I hate it when she's right! I hadn't taken my program "on the road" as someone once said in a meeting....

While I didn't say much to my wife and daughter that day (didn't need to: my Protector was doing for me what I couldn't and shouldn't do for myself!) I did make the commitment at that time to jump start my step work and begin my 4th step in earnest.

So now several years later after having had all of the steps worked---or rather, having been thoroughly been worked by the steps---how would my wife respond to this topic?

Well, if we'd asked her a week ago she would have given a glowing report that would do my ego proud! Our marriage is the best it's ever been, our children have all moved out of the house (the last to go was my son Pat...who left home in February 2007, picked up his 6 year clean chip in May 2007--I picked up my 6 year sober chip 5 months later-- and then this same son turned 22 years old in June 2007), we're enjoying our life together, blah, blah, blah.

BUT that was last week and this morning in the meeting it dawned on me that two things happened in the last week that resulted in my wife feeling disconnected from me and, most importantly, I know I had a part in that reality.

This morning I shared this story at group level and shared with my friends that my program IS working because I'm continuing to do what has worked so far and every once and awhile someone will say or do something which leads me to see myself more clearly and honestly. When that happens, when someone intentionally or not pulls my covers, I understand that I have work to do---and in this case that means figuring out some way(s) of making right what's happened this week as a result of my actions and talking to my wife about some things I'd previously swept under the rug. It is working....

Mike L.

Is AA a Cult?

When I began this blog, I forgot that I was publishing this log of thoughts and opinions to the wild of the Internet and foolishly allowed "Comments" to my blog. Within a few days, I was inundated with almost a dozen comments, all from a guy named 'MICKY'. Apparently, he does not share my love for the program/organization called AA and he's welcome to his own experience. I'm not sure how to accurately characterize his experience and while it's far different from my own, there were parts of his rantings that stirred up memories of my own and I couldn't help but feel some empathy for him.

When I first got sober a little over six years ago, I'd quickly gotten a sponsor who began taking me through the Big Book a page/chapter at a time, just like had been done with him by his sponsor. I didn't mind this approach at all, at least for the first two steps. But as we approached the third step, he started talking about what his sponsor had done with him and I got the distinct impression that he was fully expecting to do the same thing with me when my turn came to work this step: "Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood him."

What his sponsor had done with him was to take him up to a hill in Pleasant Hill, California and on top of that pleasant hill, they each knelt in front of a bench and recited the so-called "Third Step Prayer" together: God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt....etc." When they were done, the 3rd step was completed and they then immediately moved on to the next step.

Well, unbeknownst to my sponsor, there just wasn't a chance in hell that I was going up to any such hill, pleasant or not, to kneel down and pray this or any other prayer with him. No fucking way.

When I got sober, I was 48 years old. The disease had been very slow, but progressively worse nonetheless. Earlier in my life, I'd been a Lutheran---had even been the President of the goddamned Luther League! I converted to Catholicism when I was in my early 20's and entered the Jesuits shortly thereafter with the full intent of becoming a Jesuit priest... I had a bachelor's degree in Catholic theology and had thought long and hard about the issues surrounding the questions of God's existence or non-existence. Ultimately, I left the Jesuits: in part, because I got tired of trying to fit my experience of God into an acceptable framework of the Catholic Church or some local manifestation of that organization, but in larger part, due to my certainty that if I were to stay much longer in this celibate religious order, I would certainly become an alcoholic! I have a long history of reaching this exact same crisis point again and again and again: if I stay here doing "this", I will certainly become an alcoholic.

Anyway, back to my 3rd step issue: after getting sober, one of the things that made me feel most comfortable and safe in AA was the language scattered throughout the book and literature which seemed to say that within this organization, each individual was absolutely free to come up with their own understanding of God or a Higher Power. In fact, if the individual's understanding of God was that God did not exist, they were still a full member of AA in good standing. No better, no less than someone whose understanding was more theistic. I love the fact that the third chapter of the Big Book was called "We Agnostics" rather than "Those Agnostics" or "We Former Agnostics."

But I had already started to have this sense of safety become challenged by certain practices and language within the rooms of AA that seemed inconsistent with this fundamental principle of AA. Not only was there the talk of a 3rd step that involved reciting a very specific prayer with another person....which seemed to me to imply that these two folks were acting as though they had a common understanding of God, else why would they be saying the same prayer together. And if everyone in AA accomplished their 3rd step by reciting this same exact prayer together with another, was the talk of a God of my own understanding really a joke or ruse?

There was also the practice of opening and closing most AA meetings that I had attended to that point with either the Serenity Prayer or the Lord's Prayer. Both prayers are Christian prayers or at least "rooted" in the Christian tradition. If I didn't have an understanding of God that fit in with that tradition, was I some how "outside" of the fellowship if I did not hold hands with other members at the end of meetings and participate in this apparently Christianized AA ritual? Could I stay in AA if in fact it was a Christian cult or required belief in God as a condition of membership or a condition of longer term sobriety?

Luckily, at this time in my sobriety, I met Dr. Earle Marsh (deceased 1/13/03). Earle had gotten sober June 15, 1953, two days before I was born. His story, Physician Heal Thyself, was published in the 2nd edition of the Big Book and he was something of an icon around here where I was getting sober. Anyway, my first sponsor unwittingly directed me to have my path intersect with Earle's. This sponsor had encouraged me to go to a big men's meeting because they really did things right at this meeting. Well, I hated it. While the chairs (what some places refer to a "leads" where you tell your story...) were usually very good, they did not ask for volunteers to talk/share---the chair would only call on people he knew and none of them knew me. The fellowship was very strong in this meeting and there was a lot of positive energy flowing before, during and after the meeting. But I still hated it. I started to get the impression that they were all members of a AA cult and they were trying to draw me into the fold. If only I'd do what I was told....and that included getting down on my knees and praying the 3rd step prayer with my sponsor. No fucking way.

Anyway, one night---I'd already decided that it was my last visit to this meeting---toward the end of the meeting, this little man I had only known as an oldtimer who had his story in the book (when talking to others after the meeting, I referred to him as the Joker, because while he rarely got called on to talk, when he did talk, he had a wonderful way of telling stories and to make me laugh)....this little old man raised his hand and didn't wait to be called on, and simply said, "My name is Earle and I'm an alcoholic." Everyone welcomed him with a roar, "Hi Earle!". He then continued, "I've heard everything that you men have said tonight and to be honest with you, I think it's all a bunch of bullshit!" At first, there was complete silence in the room of 100+ men. And then everyone broke into laughter.... Earle looked at them with a half-smile and then said, "No, I'm serious! I think what's been said tonight is a bunch of bullshit." Well, this time, they didn't laugh so hard.

Earle then went on to tell a brief version of his story and it dawned on me that he'd gotten sober two days before I was born. He'd been sober every moment of my entire life. More importantly, this iconic figure with 48+ years of sobriety, friend of Bill Wilson himself and writer of one of the stories in the Big Book, had told an entire room of AA members that they were full of shit. And he didn't get kicked out. Now, he may very well have pissed off a few or a bunch of folks, but nonetheless, he was still allowed to have his say and to return the following week!

That's when I learned that while there are "cultish" aspects to this weird organization called Alcoholics Anonymous, that given our freedom to believe and do as we wish and remain full members in good standing, it's not a cult. At least for me. It's also where I learned that my third step didn't have to involve praying any prayer with another person. In fact, it didn't have to involve prayer at all. For me, the third step involved me coming to an understanding that much of my life had been spent "playing God" --- and, in particular, by using alcohol as a means of playing this role of God: He (me) who could change reality to fit His (my) wants and desires. My third step didn't involve a commitment to any sort of god, it was more of a resignation on my part from playing the role of God. It meant letting go and just being me. And being me, involved among other things, being an alcoholic who simply couldn't "stop" drinking...but who could stay sober, one day at a time.

This is all not to say that Micky's experience is wrong or that his opinions are bunk. His experience is apparently far different than mine and he's apparently taken it upon himself to teach everyone the "truth" about AA, Bill Wilson, etc. That's fine with me. I don't particularly find his arguments persuasive and I'm not going to become a hostage to his voluminous (clearly "cut and paste" from a library of anti-AA messages and writings....) comments and diatribes.

For that reason, I've removed the "Comments" from my blog. I am looking for other alternatives to allowing people to respond/comment on what I share here, which do not subject me or others to abusive rantings. Until then, this will be a one-way communication tool. Sorry folks!

Mike L.

Top 10+ Dumb Things I've Heard in AA Meetings...

Here's a list of truly dumb things I've heard in AA meetings over the last several years. All of them probably contain some kernel of truth that I agree with wholeheartedly....but they all struck me as utterly stupid at the time I heard them. The truth is though, I've actually heard some of my close AA friends quote me in meetings, "As Mike often says, blah, blah, blah..." --- when I've heard them do this, I've also disagreed with those quotes! I truly am a contrarian at heart.

Anyway, here's the list....it keeps getting longer and I'm sure I'll be guilty of saying any or some of these at some point myself. Oh, well.

1. "There's a chapter called 'Into Action' but no chapter called 'Into Thinking' ". -- true, but (1) thinking IS an action and (2) we are sentient beings who must think--the challenge is to think well (and in that regard, pp. 86-87 in Into Action, provide a most beautiful explanation of how to think more humanly..."On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead....(next 3 paragrapha)

2. "My best thinking got me here (said in sarcastic tone)." My best thinking DID get me here! It was my worst thinking that kept me out there and from coming in the doors of AA.

3. The expansion of "Keep Coming Back!" to say, "Don't Ever Leave!". I think we must leave and return to the real world. The AA meeting and the fellowship is a brief, periodic place of respite, not a 24 hour safety zone.

4. Sometimes told to a newcomer: "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth". Oh, pluleeeez. When I got sober, I'd been isolating for so long with alcohol as my only true friend and lover, that when I did get into these meetings, I needed to talk about what was going on, what feelings were flooding into my consciousness, what fears I had, etc. True, I needed to learn the art of sharing....and that took time and thank god there were lots of people who were exceedingly patient and kind with me during those emotional outbursts and floods. But I needed to talk. I needed to get connected to others. I needed you to know me. Someone once said that there are two parts to AA: the story-telling part and the story-listening part. (Ernest Kurtz). I love that line: for me, the only reason I could handle the story-listening part was that I knew that one day, I'd get to tell my story. Ahhhh, what a relief that was. And what nourishment I get from listening to other people's stories.

5. "God willing, I'll have X years/mos/days sober..." I sometimes counter this mantra by saying that "Me willing, I'll have x years/mos/days sober....". I really can't imagine God willing any alcoholic/addict to drink or use..... Truly, sobriety seems to be a gift....but the key ingredient for that gift to become effective is acceptance. And that's something only I can do.

6. The demeaning way people talk about selecting a door knob as a higher power; what's so bad about God as door knob? What's a door knob used for; opening a door and getting into the next room? What's important in the use of door knobs?letting them go before closing them once you're in the new room! A finger pointing to the moon; don't get distracted by the finger that you forget to see the moon!

7. "If you want what we have, do what we do." Be careful: doing what we do is actually impossible to do (you aren't me); doing what we do might get both the visible desired good and the invisible undesired bad results! I tell my sponsees that I don't tell them my stories in some subtle attempt to tell them what to do. Doing what I do my very well get them drunk! I tell them my stories because that's really all I have to offer them. My stories are more often "warnings" than they are "instruction sets."

8. "The 12 Steps were meant to be done in order..." True, but they were also suggestions and there may be good reasons for taking some of them out of order. In fact, I heard one person say that their sponsor told them if they ever find themselves stuck in a particular step, always feel free to work any step that has a "1" in it: i.e., 1, 10, 11 or 12. And Step 11 has two ones in it, so really feel free to work Step 11 at any time!

9. "My sponsor had me do the steps exactly according to the Big Book, including the fourth column of my fourth step." To be honest, I looked and I didn't see anything about a fourth column in the book or in the 12x12. The book does say, earlier in the 5th chapter, that under certain conditions, we'd be ready to take "certain steps"... For me, what happened is the steps seemed to happen to me pretty much in order. But I many times resorted to use of the 10th step to take care of some day-to-day stuff (especially with my wife), the 11th step to begin and end and survive my day, and the 12 step to try and help someone who was hurting from this dis-ease. And I've often found myself smack dab in the middle of a 1st step experience of powerlessness over alcohol and many other things, again, especially my wife!

10. "I've earned my seat here in AA..." All that's required is a desire to stop drinking.

11. "My sponsor told me that there's no F* word in any spirituality or spiritual program..." There's an old timer around here who says this whenever he hears another member sharing and using supposedly foul language. His lectures have always bothered me. Personally, I love to say Fuck in meetings when it seems appropriate (to me, of course!) My sponsor says it all the time, in fact, it's used by him more often than verbs or adjectives! Where others use spaces and pauses between words, he uses the word Fuck. As in many other areas of life, here's a place where my sponsor is much sicker than I am... Anyway, next time I hear this guy make this statement in a meeting, I'm going to crosstalk (subtlely, of course!) and share that "I think his sponsor is factually wrong, because for me, it wasn't UNTIL I used the F* word in my prayer that my prayer truly became intimate with my higher power!! In fact, when other polite forms of prayer don't seem to get the job done, I sometimes resort to the one word version of the Serenity Prayer which in fact only contains one word, the F* word!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" It simply expresses surrender better than any other word I know.

12. "I know I have one more drunk in me, I don't think I have another recovery." I'm assuming that if we're truly powerless over alcohol, at least once it's in our bodies, then none of us alcoholics are going to be very good a predicting one way or another what will or won't happen if we drink or use. Personally, I'm not so much afraid of the relapse as I am of the possibility that were I to relapse, I might be so ashamed of myself for relapsing that I'd be too afraid/proud/stubborn to come back in the rooms and raise my hand. That's what scares me.

13. "John, I don't think you're done yet. (said to an AA by a 'friendly' AA who didn't think had his heart into working the program)." What a dumb thing to say to another alcoholic! As mentioned in #12 above, none of us has any idea what will happen if we drink. Why we'd give any other alcoholic the added excuse or motivation to take another drink is beyond me.

AA Recovery: A form of brain washing...

I've been sober just over six years now and recently I've been thinking that the process of my recovery over the last six years has involved a form of brain washing. Not in the usual sense of having my brain manipulated by some evil force, but in the sense of spiritual/intellectual cleansing. How did that happen? Well, I think that's ultimately going to be the purpose of this new blog site that I just created today....as a proactive pre-New Year's resolution.

Recently, I was at an AA meeting in Danville, CA and we were discussing the 12th step... After sitting down in the meeting, it was one I'd never been to before, I saw this older Scottish man sitting across from me. I remembered him from one of my first AA meetings back in late 2001. I'd been going to one Friday night meeting for several weeks and at this meeting, they always started off with everyone saying the AA Preamble (Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women....) together. Before these meetings, someone placed little cards on the seats with the Preamble printed on them (along with the 12 steps, 12 traditions and the Serenity Prayer..). Anyway, one night I noticed this older gentleman with a beautiful Scottish accent and who never used one of the cards: he recited the Preamble from memory. It struck me that this reading must mean something very special to him.

He never knew that I noticed. But I did. In fact, I stole one of those cards and it ended up changing my who life and my recovery. What I did was place that card in my car and as I drove to work each day (I commuted from Concord, CA to Sacramento, CA every day...65 miles each way) I began memorizing each of the writings on that card: the preamble, the steps, the traditions, the serenity prayer. I didn't know I was going to do all of them. But I did...and much much more.

It began by memorizing the Preamble: I just started reciting a line or phrase from the beginning and repeated it again and again until I knew it. Then I would add a little more...repeat it again and again. Eventually, I'd know the whole Preamble by memory. Over days and weeks, I came to know the Preamble by heart.

At this meeting last week, I remembered back to what I learned from this man... During the meeting he shared that in terms of 12th step work, he'd often found that some of his best work was done without his knowledge. He just focused on living his life the best he could, helped others when he could and left the results to something other than him.

I walked up to him after the meeting and let him know that he'd helped me six years ago....and that the habit of memorizing things like the Preamble had started me down a path of meditation which involved memorizing many different things over the last six years...reciting them to myself while driving to/from Sacramento and being brainwashed without even knowing it.

He smiled and thanked me for sharing that story. I love AA most of all for the stories.

Mike L.