Recovery's Shelf Life: 24 Hours

I just got back from a noon men's meeting and the chair was a man who had 15 days sobriety. He'd had 12 years until about two months ago and then he went out. Took him 2 months to get back in and get 15 days sobriety. Great chair. No whining. Just what happened and how he got sober again. And what he learned about his disease and his recovery: the principal lesson learned was that he'd gotten disconnected from other recovering alcoholics/addicts and had stopped going to meetings.

When he was done, he called on a guy sitting next to him who had 28 days sober. Also a guy who had some sober time before (6 years) and who had relapsed about three years ago. In the last three years, he's had two periods of sobriety where he got 13 months sober---but each time he relapsed again over something: usually a resentment. Unlike the other guy, he had been going to meetings (about 14 meetings a week) and was very active in AA (was chair of the local Intergroup). But something (a resentment) ticked him off so much that he drank over it to get back at some old-timers who weren't giving him enough respect. He's 28 days sober today and tomorrow he's being arraigned for 2 counts of felony hit and run drunk driving.

These two shares were great for me to hear. Unlike some people in AA who think there should be a rule against newcomers with less than "x" amount of time (usually, I hear the limit set at 6 months), I think such an outright proscription against newcomers chairing a meeting or even sharing in a meeting is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of in AA. Shit! If newcomers couldn't tell their stories, the first five or so months of AA meetings back in 1935 would have been limited to members listening (or at least hearing!) Bill Wilson talking about his spiritual awakening....again and again and again....one fucking time after another! Not only would no one else got sober, I really doubt that Bill W would have been able to stay sober on just telling and retelling his story. And that would have been the end of AA's first attempt at existence.

Clearly, one of the most key aspects of the AA way of recovery is that we need other alcoholics in order to stay sober. We need to reach out to other alcoholics (sober, wet and dry!) if we are to have any chance at staying sober. And if all we're going to do is to talk "at" other alcoholics, no one's going to get sober and no one's going to stay sober.

The other important lesson I learned today is that the shelf life of AA recovery is about 24 hours and not much more. While I don't have the power to stop or control my drinking, I do have the ability to try and stay sober today. Not at all sure about tomorrow, but I think I can do this for the remainder of my day. I'll deal with tomorrow when it's today.

Take care!

Mike L.

Limited Safety of and within Meetings

I recently had a powerful experience of how the AA meeting is not safe in all respects and all circumstances. In addition, this same experience taught me an important lesson about the power of storytelling and how it can be used both for good and for evil.

Two weeks ago, I attended a meeting wherein a man, in an obvious state of agitation and distress, disclosed to the people at this meeting that the night previous he had "snapped" and had "beaten the shit" out of his 8 year old daughter and his wife. He explained that he had not "punched" his daughter with a fist, but had spanked her --- hard. He even acted out the severity of his spanks. He didn't describe the form of beating that his wife suffered, but he did say that at the end he'd told his wife to go into her room and lock the door. He then left the house and spent the rest of the night driving around town.

When he reenacted the spanking he'd given his daughter, I knew immediately that he'd crossed a line between "disciplinary" and "abusive." What he was demonstrating was abuse, clear and simple.

Present in the meeting was a nurse with 20 years sobriety. There were also at least three women and one man who I know from their stories have each suffered various forms of physical and/or sexual abuse from men in their past.

I left the meeting and struggled for at least an hour with the ethical dilemma presented by what I'd experienced at that meeting. I felt a strong ethical mandate to report this information to the police and/or Child Protective Services: primarily because I believed that this man's daughter and wife were both in imminent danger of further abuse from this troubled man. At the same time, I felt some obligation to protect this man's annonymity and his right to privacy in terms of what he'd shared in the context of the meeting. In the end, after consulting with several other AA members and my wife (who had been responsible for the "Safe Enviroment" program in our local Catholic diocese for several years (the department responsible for ensuring that children in Catholic institutions were protected from such abuse, whether it be from priests or others) --- and I ended up convinced that I had an obligation to call the police. And I did.

The police did go to the man's home and question him about what happened, as well as interview his wife and then his daughter. I'm not sure exactly what was said to the man by the police and the only one talking about what supposedly happened is the man himself. His story is that the police agreed with him that what he'd done to his daughter was permissible disciplinary action. I'm not at all sure that's true, but that's the story he's spreading in and out of the meetings ever since as he is on a intense search for "the snitch in AA" who called the police on him. As I have been listening to him, I'm coming to realize that "story" can be used for both good and evil. Stories, even untruthful and deceitful ones, can be very powerful and effective.

I have no regrets or shame about what I've done. I'm troubled by the fact that it appears I may have been the only one who felt obligated to call the police. I'm troubled by the fact that those four people who had prior experiences of being abused may be thinking to themselves that this group is condoning what this man did to his daughter and wife and that by their silence they are supporting an abuser and ignoring two co-victims of abuse. I'm troubled by the fact that I've been silent to date as to what happened and what was the right thing to do --- because to do so would expose the fact that I was probably the one who called the police.

But is my "silence" buying into the myth of this guy's power as an abuser? I personally don't believe this guy would attempt to harm me should I disclose to him, either privately or in front of the group, that I called the police and why I did that. I believe that he's a good man who's battling cancer and in conjunction with that battle, is taking a variety of medications that are probably messing with his whole sense of well-being and sanity.

I'm now looking for a good "story" that will convey to the group and to this guy the limited safety we have in AA meetings, but more importantly, some sort of truth about acceptable and unacceptable ways of dealing with stress and anger. When I find it, I will tell it. AA meetings are safe primarily in the sense that anyone should be able to come in and share their struggle with alcohol/drugs and not be ashamed of who they are or what they have done in the context of that struggle. AA meetings are not a safe haven for people to disclose unlawful acts, nor are the statements made in AA meetings somehow privileged from disclosure to law enforcement or legal deposition. As one group warns with a plague in their meeting room: "Notice! What you say here can be used against you in a court of law." Not only that, AAer's are particularly bad about keeping things private. To pretend otherwise is stupid and dangerous. That's why we don't share our 5th step from the podium.

So, until I do come up with this story, I am privately approaching the four people who have histories of abuse in their lives and sharing with them what I have done and that I am there for them should they want to talk.

Take care!

Mike L.

What I Listen For in an Alcoholic's Story

I went to a meeting this afternoon and heard a young man tell his story for the first time. He had 18 months of clean and sober time and he told us that he normally never ever talks in meetings. That got my attention, because I haven't stopped talking since I got to AA over 6 years ago. Anyway, this guy was quite nervous and lost track of the time. He apparently made up for the 18 months of not talking all at once.

He took us down a long walk along memory lane in terms of his truly horrible and abused childhood and equally horrible abusing adulthood. And only after 30 minutes (it was an hour meeting and normally, people keep their chairs to 10-15 minutes...unless you're really good at storytelling, like me!) did he get to the part of his story that I was most interested in: how did he get sober?

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind drunk-a-logs at all. They help me know the person and their disease better and put their sobriety in context, as it were. But I was afraid though that this guy wasn't going to get to the sober part until after the meeting was over, so I was glad when he did reach his bottom and found his way out of hell with 15 minutes to spare! (That was only because the secretary was kind enough to slip him a note reminding him that he needed to bring things to a close... She did that very well --- it's something that can be done very badly and she handled it perfectly!)

His way into that hell was very very different than mine, but his way out was almost mirror image of my own: someone with our problem reached out to him and said that they had found a solution to their drinking/using problem and offered to help him go down that path. For this man, that involved having his friend help him get a place to sleep (he was, like me at the end, very very tired!!!) in some sort of treatment facility for the homeless. For me, it meant watching my son get sober and then reaching the point where I wanted what he had found and knew that involved doing what he had done.

I didn't get to share at this afternoon's meeting because there was no time left and others were quicker to raise their hands. I did want to tell this guy that he did a great job and that I learned something valuable from his chair. I was ready to defend him if anyone had the gall to attack him for not even identifying as an alcoholic (he identified as an addict only...) or for talking too long. Had they done the latter, I would have reminded folks that Bill Wilson's story was only 16 pages long and he didn't get sober until page 13. But no one attacked him, at least, they didn't do it out loud or during the meeting. Those that talked had identified with his story and were appreciative and kind.

Me? I heard all I needed to hear from his story, he drank and used until he couldn't stop, no matter how much he tried. And just when he hit the bottom of despair, there was someone there who reached out a hand, not with judgment or condemnation, but with an offer to help and with a solution that had worked for them. I left the meeting after thanking him for his share and came back home to resume my "honey dos" with a little more gratitude for the way things have worked out for me in my life.

Take care!

Mike L.

Top 10+ Dumb Things I've Heard in AA Meetings...

Here's a list of truly dumb things I've heard in AA meetings over the last several years. All of them probably contain some kernel of truth that I agree with wholeheartedly....but they all struck me as utterly stupid at the time I heard them. The truth is though, I've actually heard some of my close AA friends quote me in meetings, "As Mike often says, blah, blah, blah..." --- when I've heard them do this, I've also disagreed with those quotes! I truly am a contrarian at heart.

Anyway, here's the list....it keeps getting longer and I'm sure I'll be guilty of saying any or some of these at some point myself. Oh, well.

1. "There's a chapter called 'Into Action' but no chapter called 'Into Thinking' ". -- true, but (1) thinking IS an action and (2) we are sentient beings who must think--the challenge is to think well (and in that regard, pp. 86-87 in Into Action, provide a most beautiful explanation of how to think more humanly..."On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead....(next 3 paragrapha)

2. "My best thinking got me here (said in sarcastic tone)." My best thinking DID get me here! It was my worst thinking that kept me out there and from coming in the doors of AA.

3. The expansion of "Keep Coming Back!" to say, "Don't Ever Leave!". I think we must leave and return to the real world. The AA meeting and the fellowship is a brief, periodic place of respite, not a 24 hour safety zone.

4. Sometimes told to a newcomer: "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth". Oh, pluleeeez. When I got sober, I'd been isolating for so long with alcohol as my only true friend and lover, that when I did get into these meetings, I needed to talk about what was going on, what feelings were flooding into my consciousness, what fears I had, etc. True, I needed to learn the art of sharing....and that took time and thank god there were lots of people who were exceedingly patient and kind with me during those emotional outbursts and floods. But I needed to talk. I needed to get connected to others. I needed you to know me. Someone once said that there are two parts to AA: the story-telling part and the story-listening part. (Ernest Kurtz). I love that line: for me, the only reason I could handle the story-listening part was that I knew that one day, I'd get to tell my story. Ahhhh, what a relief that was. And what nourishment I get from listening to other people's stories.

5. "God willing, I'll have X years/mos/days sober..." I sometimes counter this mantra by saying that "Me willing, I'll have x years/mos/days sober....". I really can't imagine God willing any alcoholic/addict to drink or use..... Truly, sobriety seems to be a gift....but the key ingredient for that gift to become effective is acceptance. And that's something only I can do.

6. The demeaning way people talk about selecting a door knob as a higher power; what's so bad about God as door knob? What's a door knob used for; opening a door and getting into the next room? What's important in the use of door knobs?letting them go before closing them once you're in the new room! A finger pointing to the moon; don't get distracted by the finger that you forget to see the moon!

7. "If you want what we have, do what we do." Be careful: doing what we do is actually impossible to do (you aren't me); doing what we do might get both the visible desired good and the invisible undesired bad results! I tell my sponsees that I don't tell them my stories in some subtle attempt to tell them what to do. Doing what I do my very well get them drunk! I tell them my stories because that's really all I have to offer them. My stories are more often "warnings" than they are "instruction sets."

8. "The 12 Steps were meant to be done in order..." True, but they were also suggestions and there may be good reasons for taking some of them out of order. In fact, I heard one person say that their sponsor told them if they ever find themselves stuck in a particular step, always feel free to work any step that has a "1" in it: i.e., 1, 10, 11 or 12. And Step 11 has two ones in it, so really feel free to work Step 11 at any time!

9. "My sponsor had me do the steps exactly according to the Big Book, including the fourth column of my fourth step." To be honest, I looked and I didn't see anything about a fourth column in the book or in the 12x12. The book does say, earlier in the 5th chapter, that under certain conditions, we'd be ready to take "certain steps"... For me, what happened is the steps seemed to happen to me pretty much in order. But I many times resorted to use of the 10th step to take care of some day-to-day stuff (especially with my wife), the 11th step to begin and end and survive my day, and the 12 step to try and help someone who was hurting from this dis-ease. And I've often found myself smack dab in the middle of a 1st step experience of powerlessness over alcohol and many other things, again, especially my wife!

10. "I've earned my seat here in AA..." All that's required is a desire to stop drinking.

11. "My sponsor told me that there's no F* word in any spirituality or spiritual program..." There's an old timer around here who says this whenever he hears another member sharing and using supposedly foul language. His lectures have always bothered me. Personally, I love to say Fuck in meetings when it seems appropriate (to me, of course!) My sponsor says it all the time, in fact, it's used by him more often than verbs or adjectives! Where others use spaces and pauses between words, he uses the word Fuck. As in many other areas of life, here's a place where my sponsor is much sicker than I am... Anyway, next time I hear this guy make this statement in a meeting, I'm going to crosstalk (subtlely, of course!) and share that "I think his sponsor is factually wrong, because for me, it wasn't UNTIL I used the F* word in my prayer that my prayer truly became intimate with my higher power!! In fact, when other polite forms of prayer don't seem to get the job done, I sometimes resort to the one word version of the Serenity Prayer which in fact only contains one word, the F* word!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" It simply expresses surrender better than any other word I know.

12. "I know I have one more drunk in me, I don't think I have another recovery." I'm assuming that if we're truly powerless over alcohol, at least once it's in our bodies, then none of us alcoholics are going to be very good a predicting one way or another what will or won't happen if we drink or use. Personally, I'm not so much afraid of the relapse as I am of the possibility that were I to relapse, I might be so ashamed of myself for relapsing that I'd be too afraid/proud/stubborn to come back in the rooms and raise my hand. That's what scares me.

13. "John, I don't think you're done yet. (said to an AA by a 'friendly' AA who didn't think had his heart into working the program)." What a dumb thing to say to another alcoholic! As mentioned in #12 above, none of us has any idea what will happen if we drink. Why we'd give any other alcoholic the added excuse or motivation to take another drink is beyond me.