3rd Step without Kneeling, without Prayer

99.9999999% of the time when I hear people talking about their "working" of the 3rd Step, their story inevitably seems to include the acts of kneeling and then saying the 3rd Step Prayer. The other .0000001% of the time? What I hear is lonely ol' me talking about my being worked by the 3rd Step without kneeling, without prayer. When I was worked by the 3rd Step, it did not and does not involve me kneeling down. Neither did it nor does it involve saying or praying what other people refer to as the 3rd Step Prayer. No step has me feeling as lonely and as isolated as the 3rd Step. And it's been that way since the beginning of my recovery in AA.

My very first sponsor was someone who took people through the book page by page. I didn't seem to mind that much at all, until we got close to the 3rd step. As we did that, he began talking about his experience of the 3rd step with his sponsor: how they walked up to the top of some hill in Pleasant Hill, California and then they both knelt down in front of a bench and together prayed the 3rd step prayer out loud. From the very first time he told me that story, I knew one thing for certain: there was not a way in Hell that I was going to kneel down with him or anyone else and pray this or any other prayer together. Not surprisingly, this sponsor was long gone before the 3rd step ended up working me.

For me, this sponsor's plan for me seemed totally contrary to everything I had been taught and had read in AA literature. What I had taken from the readings and the meetings was that we were free to come up with our own concept of a higher power, or not. We didn't have to accept anyone else's concept of God nor did we have to accept existence of God in order to stay sober or to be a full fledged member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And if that was true, then why were we expecting (or even suggesting!) one another to take on a specific practice common to some, but not all religions or spiritual traditions, involving kneeling before one's God in prayer. If the words of the 3rd step prayer were really suggested as it is written in the Big Book, then why is it everyone seems to follow like sheep and use only those words of prayer to express their "decision to turn their will and their lives over to the care of God, as they understood him."

Nope. There was no way I was going to do that. To do that would make me a member of a cult. And to assure myself that this was not a cult, I was going to make sure that I could stay a full fledged and sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous without kneeling and without saying the 3rd Step Prayer. And I have done just that. [Thank you Dr. Earle!]

For me, my decision to turn my life and my will over to my higher power involved and still involves the simple and repeated daily acts of letting go. Letting go of the deep seeded but mistaken belief that I am God. Or at least God-like. The very act of my drinking was the clearest example of my learning to play God. With alcohol, I found a powerful means of changing myself, my feelings, my surroundings, my past. Everything. God could create the world. And in effect, with alcohol, so could I. Until I couldn't. Eventually, what I thought was a solution turned on me.

I was a flea on the tail, thinking it was wagging the dog.

All this said, I do not want to leave anyone with the impression that I do not kneel or that I do not pray. I do. I kneel most mornings when I do several stretching movements (based on a book, 3 Minutes to a Painfree Life). I also kneel when I meditate: I use a sitting stool which allows me to kneel down and sit on a stool just above the back of my heals. This meditation stool helps me kneel in meditation without any pain in my knees or legs and it allows me to keep my back/spine straight and my breathing slow and natural. I'd done this several months before I realized I'd broken my vow never to kneel before God or anyone else! Kneeling in prayer never made sense to me after I had the feeling that God's response to my kneeling was something along the lines of, "Hey, Mike? What are you doing down there?" And then we laughed at the silliness of it all.

I use a variety of prayers that I've memorized to help me become focused on positive and loving thoughts. You might even be surprised that I even use a version of the 3rd Step Prayer, which I call "My Version":

God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will. Take away my difficulties, or not, that victory or defeat over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your powerlessness, your love and your way of life. May I do your will always.

As you can see, my version takes out all the Thees and Thous and replaces them with today's English. And as I ask my God to take away my difficulties, I also add that "or not" to express that I don't have a big investment or desire to have my difficulties taken away: some, if not all, of my difficulties have been my biggest gift in life! Alcoholism being the greatest difficulty/gift! Victory over difficulties is nice, but defeat over difficulties has oftentimes been far more important: my 30 year attempt to "not be an alcoholic" has been my most important and life-saving defeat. God's powerlessness: as I see it, God is just as powerless over my alcoholism as I am. I'm an alcoholic whether God likes it or not. I don't subscribe to the view that God made me an alcoholic and/or that God had some sort of "purpose" in mind by making me an alcoholic. The God of my understanding doesn't seem to get involved in that sort of day-to-day stuff or to intervene in the ongoing creation process that was begun bzillions of years ago from a simple and complete act of love. And that commitment to do God's will always? God's will is nothing more or less that same simple and complete act of love. May that Love be the source of my will, my acts, my thoughts, my words....always.
Turns out then that neither the acts of kneeling or praying were part of the commitment or decision I made in the 3rd step----but they are tools I can use on a daily basis to maintain my commitment to let go of the idea that I am God-like and to accept myself as the particular human being I am today.
Mike L.

Who Said You Can't Think Your Way Into Right Action?

Over the last six years, at different times I've heard repeated the statement made that "you can't think your way into right acting, you have to act your way into right thinking." Now, you know me well enough by now that I only share that so that I can disagree with it. You're correcto mundo.



While I understand that we, especially when we're new, sometimes get stuck in navel gazing and self-analysis to the point that we get stuck in "analysis paralysis". And that to overcome that, we sometimes have to act our way out of a rut or two, even if we don't completely understand all the logical or meaningful reasons for doing so. But I've some times gotten the impression that some people are taking this AA home spun wisdom a little too far.... Like taking it to mean that our thinking is not to be trusted (can't fix a broken thinker with the same broken thinker) and that we just need to do what we're told (even if it's stated in the form of a suggestion). That sort of blind faith or blind obedience has never been something I've been willing or able to subscribe to. I know, you're not surprised.



Recently, I've been reflecting over my last six years of recovery and what have been the key things that have not only kept me sober but also gave me a quality of life that far exceeds whatever I might have hoped for when I first got sober.... Sure, all of the familiar "keys" are in my list: Steps, Sponsor, Meetings (and not drinking in between), Service, Meditation (I'm not big into Prayer....it's hard for an agnostic to pray...), etc. But there is another "key" part of my program that sort of relates to this "thinking vs. action" topic and that's the memory work that I've been doing almost since the very beginning of my recovery.


By memory work (I've written previously on this topic, "AA Recovery: A form of brain washing...") I mean the process memorizing various things, sometimes passages from the Big Book or 12X12, but also other AA and non-AA literature. The process of memorizing means taking some passage or prayer, and repeating the first sentence or phrase again and again until I can say it from memory without looking at the book or paper. Once I memorize the first phrase/line, I then begin repeating the second phrase or sentence until I can say it from memory. Then I repeat the first and the second line until I have them down... Then I go to the next phrase or sentence... As in the shampoo instructions I read years ago, "Repeat until done."

What happens for me, is this process puts the content of the passage into my consciousness, so deep it seems that eventually becomes a part of my "intuition." In effect, the process has re-trained my brain so that it now interprets the reality before me in much different, and generally, much more healthy ways.

Here's an example: Before Christmas, I bought a book that I just stumbled on while I was out shopping for books for my wife. The book is called "Everyday Commitments" by David Richo. I bought it not for my wife, but for me. She might have liked it, but that didn't matter. I liked it and I bought it for me. It was just a collection of 52 "affirmations" or commitments that this buddhist teacher/lecturer (he's also a psychologist) came up with that helped him keep more focused on what Buddhist's refer to as "Right Action" and "Right Thinking". The book was setup so that each commitment has a title, the commitment and then a brief reflection on that commitment. I suppose that the book could be used as a daily meditation book, and one could easily focus on one commitment per week for an entire year. But not me, I am far too obsessed for that. I began memorizing these commitments before Christmas and I just finished the task of memorizing all 52 commitments this last week.

But the example has to do with Commitment #25: "Gossip Free: I am avoiding gossip and the spreading of rumors. Now, when I have something to say about someone, I say it to them directly." When I first memorized this commitment, I thought it quite silly and that it should be a no-brainer to incorporate this value into my daily life. Wrong!!!! It turned out that this commitment was one that was and is terribly difficult for me to abide by in my daily life, at home and at work. But what ended up happening is that after repeated failures, I had one surprising and "unthinking" success!

I received an email from a consulting company who was participating in a bid process which I was overseeing. I'd let this company into the bidding process late because I'd neglected to include them in the list of qualified bidders.... By doing so, I got some flak from other members of my team because I was giving this consulting company a break.... I did it anyway because it was my error that kept them out of the process and I informed them that while they were allowed into the process, they would have to get their proposal in on time, just like all the other bidders. Anyway, last week, the sales guy for this consulting company informed me that they had elected not to participate in our bid process and then went on to lecture me on how great of a company they were and that they were "the best" and that they didn't waste time getting involved competitive bidding processes like this. Instead, they like being "partners" with their clients.

The email was sent to my entire time and within minutes of being received, people on my team began bad-mouthing this sales guy and making fun of him. But while they were doing that, I decided to just respond to his email and express my disappointment with his decision and my puzzlement over this approach to getting new business opporunities. I then recounted how 28 years ago, I asked a woman out for our first date and that the next week, 28 years after our first date, she and I were going out for another date to celebrate our 27 years of marriage. I suggested that he and his company go through the standard process of getting into a long term "partnership" by going out on a date first and not expecting the true partnership to magically happen just because "I'm the best there is!". My wife would not have accepted such a claim of mine then (or now) and I'm certainly not willing to accept his claim on the behalf of his company.

It was hours later that it dawned on me that the "memorized" commitment to avoid gossip and the spreading of rumors actually "leaked" into my actions without my really thinking about it. I guess my point is that I think that you can "memorize" yourself into right action....

Take care!

Mike L.

The Value of Commitments

For the last two years, the one meeting I've considered my home group has been an unlisted men's group called the Dignitaries Sympathy AA Group of the East Bay (we call it the Digs group) that meets on Thursday nights in Walnut Creek, CA. Anyone who knows me would find it odd that I'd consider a men's group as a home group --- I typically hate men's groups because they have always seemed to me to be a little too filled with testosterone and one ups manship, and something of a falsely or unreal safe place. Probably a hold over from my celibate days as a Jesuit.

Regardless, I grew to like the Digs group for several reasons: the weekly meeting focuses on sharing about what each one of us had done in the last week to stay sober, it permitted others in the group to share feedback with each other during the meeting (although the format explicitly states that we give each other the right to be wrong when we give such feedback....) and lastly, we encourage each other to make commitments to improve some area or aspect of our sobriety program whenever we felt 'stuck' in some behavior or mindset.

This idea of making commitments is something that has been hitting home over the last several weeks because I've been slowly reading through a great book by David Richo called "Everyday Commitments: Choosing a Life of Love, Realism and Acceptance" which I picked up before the holidays. The book contains 52 commitments which are short 1-3 sentence statements of commitment which offer those making them a specific goal in all sorts of various areas of life/living. For each commitment, David provides a short 1 page or so meditation or comment on that specific commitment. What I've been doing, which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who knows my obsessive tendencies, is to begin memorizing each of these commitments (just the commitment statements, not the meditation/comments on the commitments....I'm not THAT obsessive!), one every couple of days or so.

Here's a sampling of the first dozen or so commitments:

"1. Cultivating Lovingkindness: I am always looking for ways to intend, express and act with lovingkindness [compassion, joy and equanimity].

2. Saying Yes to Reality: More and more, I am saying Yes to the givens of human living: everything changes and ends; things will not always go according to plan; life is not always fair or pain-free; and people are not always loving, honest, generous or loyal.

3. Grounded, Not Swayed: No matter what happens to me, I am intent on remaining personally grounded, no longer thrown off course by events or my reactions to them.

4. Remaining Secure: The painful events of human life have an impact on me, but they no longer impinge on my serenity. I try to remain secure within myself and, at the same time, trusting that I will be able to handle what happens and [whatever happens] will help me grow.

5. Committed to the Work: I am not perfect, but I am sincerely committed to working on myself [and to waking up!].

6. Freedom from the Grip of Fear: I accept the fact of fear, allow myself to feel my fear fully and act so that fear does not interfere with my life choices.

7. Openness to Feelings: I am becoming more willing to express all of my own feelings and to receive those of others, including fear, joy, grief and tenderness. I am practicing ways to show anger non-violently, in ways that are not abusive, threatening, blaming or out of control.

8. Respectful Assertiveness: I can become stronger in asking for what I desire without demand, manipulation or expectation. As I remain respectful of the timing, wishes and limits of others, I can accept no for an answer.

9. Not Taking Advantage: I forgo taking advantage of anyone because of their ignorance, status or financial straits. I forgo the chance to use any charms of word, body or mind to seduce or trick anyone.

10. Growing in Gratitude: I choose not to take unfair advantage of others' generosity. I am letting go of any sense of entitlement in favor of gratitude for whatever is given to me."

What I'm finding is that as I incorporate these commitments into my daily meditation practice (I recite them over and over several times during my commute...), that I find myself becoming aware of instances in my day where the commitment is brought front and center in my life and I have the opportunity to follow through with my commitment or, at worst, fail to do so and learn more about the underlying wisdom of the commitment itself.

In that regard, #11 on the subject of "commitments" is on my mind now as I post this message:

"11. Honoring Agreements and Boundaries: I try my best to keep my word, honor my commitments and follow through with the tasks I agree to do. Accepting my own limitations, I am more able to set sane limits and boundaries with others. I no longer make promises for the sake of pleasing or appeasing others."

I recommend this book highly!!

Mike L.

An Acceptance Inventory

Here's an acceptance inventory that I use.... Don't know if it's a First Step sort of thing or a Tenth Step sort of thing, or both. Regardless, I've memorized this inventory so that I can use it while I'm driving to/from work. Given my 65 mile commute to and from work, the wise use of this time has been one of the mainstays of my recovery over the last six years.

This list of 50+ questions on acceptance was something I found in a great book called, The Tao of Sobriety by Gregson/Efran.

What I've found is that when I'm in a "good" place, where I feel basically content with life, I tend to answer most of these questions with "Yes" (sometimes begruding, but Yes, nonetheless). But when I'm out of balance, "HALT" (hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired), then the answers are more likely to be "No", "Hell No!" and/or "Fuck No!" or "No Fucking Way!".

When that happens, this acceptance inventory helps me identify where in my life I'm not accepting the reality of something or someone and then once I've done that, I can chose to change my attitude toward that reality....i.e., accept it. Then peace usually returns....for awhile.

An Acceptance Inventory (The Tao of Sobriety by Gregson/Efran):
"1. Do you accept that people are often cruel, inconsiderate and heartless?
2. Do you accept that children all over the world are dying of malnutrition?
3. Do you accept that the notion of God may be a fable?
4. Do you accept that people are frequently devious and self-serving?….
5. Do you accept that you have the right and obligation to help change the world even though you haven’t the foggiest notion about how to do so?
6. Do you accept that you could lose your job or financial security…at any time?
7. Do you accept that someone you trust will betray you?
8. Do you accept the seeming inevitability of wars and bloodshed?
9. Do you accept that people are sometimes genuinely altruistic?
10. Do you accept that people are evil?
11. Do you accept your own evil motives?
12. Do you accept the possibility of time travel?
13. Do you accept that innocent children are being abused…daily?
14. Do you accept that someone is spreading false rumors about you?
15. Do you accept dying?
16. Do you really accept dying?
17. Do you accept the possibility that you could contract or develop a life-threatening illness?
18. Do you accept that millions of people in the world are better off than you are?
19. Do you accept that you have made some really serious mistakes?
20. Do you accept that you will continue making serious mistakes?
21. Do you accept generosity from others?
22. Do you truly accept the forgiveness of others?
23. Do you accept having harmed others?
24. Do you accept having intentionally harmed others?
25. Do you accept that you will eventually lose everything?
26. Do you accept the possibility of sudden and serious illness?
27. Do you accept that friends and confidants will lie to you?
28. Do you accept that your choices will be criticized?
29. Do you accept that some people will want to give you valuable gifts?
30. Do you accept being considered worthy by those you admire or respect?
31. Can you accept being or becoming a parent?
32. Do you accept that you are still an adolescent, despite your chronological age?
33. Do you accept that you are highly susceptible to being conned?
34. Do you accept that people are violent?
35. Do you accept that you have purposely avoided telling others what they needed to hear?
36. Do you accept your own basic goodness?
37. Do you accept that you are whole, sufficient and complete?
38. Do you accept that you have not lived up to your full potential?
39. Do you accept that homicide and suicide are part of the human condition?
40. Do you accept the fact that newborns are regularly abandoned or killed?
41. Do you accept that people are laughing at you behind their back?
42. Do you accept that people do not take you seriously?
43. Do you accept the possibility of being in a fire or drowning?
44. Do you accept the possibility of being in a serious auto accident?
45. Do you accept that someone close to you may stop speaking to you?
46. Do you accept that life is finite and futile?
47. Do you accept that some of your best efforts have been totally in vain?
48. Do you accept that innocent people are being tortured in many countries around the world [some of them at the hands of our agents]?
49. Do you accept sexual inadequacy? [Do you accept physical inadequacy? Do you accept social inadequacy? Do you accept spiritual inadequacy?]
50. Do you accept that many criminals prosper?
51. Do you accept being a role model for others?
52. Do you accept being the source of love and compassion?
53. Finally, [finally!!!] do you accept the current incomplete status of your acceptance?" The Tao of Sobriety