Attitude of Gratitude

I've got several of my sponsees working on a common assignment (I'm not an assignment kind of sponsor --- but for some reason, each of them seemed to be asking for an assignment and I came up with this....) and I realized today that today, more than ever, I needed to practice my own counsel. These guys have been making daily gratitude lists which are a little different than what most people do with these lists. Because of some things I learned from Earle early on in my recovery, I've adapted the typical daily list of things you feel grateful for by adding a little addendum of resentments. Another unusual thing about this assignment is that I setup a private blog space for each of them to write these gratitude lists: each blog site is tightly secured so that only the two of us have access to their blog and only the two of us can post things to those blog sites. [Quick aside: This use of a blog site is a great tool for increasing my ability to communicate with my sponsees and for them to communicate with me.... When they post a message to their blog, I get notified by email and the same happens when I post something to their site. It's been great...]

What I've asked these guys to do is make a daily list of at least 10 things that they feel grateful for in their lives. They can list more than 10 if they like, but they need to try to come up with at least 10. In addition, I ask them to list 3 to 5 things that they simply do not feel grateful for --- in fact, they may be things they adamantly regret or resent. The only restriction on these items is that they can only be very brief statements (no more than a line or so) and they must all end with a period. What I'm wanting is for them to document their resentments or regrets by writing them down very briefly. I know these resentments are there, so we might as well write them down. Just a short phrase which will remind them later on about what they wish didn't or wasn't happening in their lives. Write one down quickly and put a period after it. Write a second one down quickly and put a period after it. At least 3 of these and no more than 5.

No one ever told me to do a gratitude list this way. I just made it up because it seemed to embody the truth/wisdom that Earle passed on to me: that is, every thing's perfect just the way it is, we don't need to change anything. Also, there's no such thing as a "bad" feeling or "bad" circumstance: whatever's happened is just the way it's supposed to be. And the kicker: were it not for all the so-called "bad" things, I wouldn't be where I am right now. Were it not for all the so-called "bad" things in the past, I wouldn't have most all of the things that I actually feel grateful for today.

For Earle, gratitude was not a feeling: it was an attitude. A habit which many many people in recovery over the last 70+ years have found very helpful in their staying sober and finding some semblance of peace, serenity, happiness and joy.

1. I'm grateful for my sobriety today.
2. I'm grateful for my wife of 28+ years, especially for the last 7 years where things have seemed to blossom between us (sure it's a pure coincidence that I'm 7+ years sober now...).
3. I'm grateful for each of my children.
4. I'm grateful for my daughter asking me to go with her to see Robin Williams do a comedy show in Mill Valley Weds night: it was a continuation of my living amends with her.
5. I'm grateful for Matt trusting me enough to tell me the truth about his day count and to resume our journey of recovery together.
6. I'm grateful for a stranger coming up to me after the meeting tonight and asking me if I would sponsor him: we'd met about a year ago, but he went out and is just now coming back into the program after a DUI last weekend (he's scared and desperate). I'm honored beyond words.
7. I'm grateful for my job and the wonderful and skilled team of folks that work for me and give me the freedom and flexibility in my schedule to squeeze in what I really love to do into my busy work days.
8. I'm grateful for all three of my sponsors, especially the dead one.
9. I'm grateful for this weird organization called AA: it's probably the only organization I could belong to without a resentment or anxiety or fear of judgment or condemnation.
10. I'm grateful for this blog and all of the amazing folks I'm come to know and love as a result of this endeavor to expand my program into a new arena.

Now, the things I'm not so damn grateful for today:

1. That Mike H. took his life a few weeks ago: I had tears come to my eyes this morning at his funeral when I saw his mother standing near his ashes.
2. That the last time I saw Mike H. I didn't sense the deep level of anxiety within him, nor did I go up to him after that Weds meeting and give him a hug.
3. That Earle's not here with me now so that I can talk through these feelings of sadness and regret with him.

The attitude of gratitude is not for the faint of heart or the half measures sort of folks. It's for those who commit themselves to the no bullshit program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It takes work each day. There are no days off. There's no "fake it til you make it" escape measures. It's life head on and face to face. It's writing stuff down so that you can go back to it later on and start putting the pieces together.

I am confident that I will be able to go back to this list sometime in the not too distant future and discovery that they three regrets will have led to some new deepening of my own compassion for others and myself, some new heightened sensitivity for the pain and suffering within someone who crosses my path, whether that be within the context of a meeting or elsewhere.

I know that because there were regrets in my not too distant past which are now appearing on my list of things that I do feel grateful for today: (1) I used to regret that I was an alcoholic (none of the ten items above would be on that list were I not an alcoholic then and today); (2) I used to regret that I was married and that I had children --- they were expecting too much from me and I was feeling more and more the total and absolute failure as husband and father (now, I can't imagine life without my wife or my grown and wonderful children). I could go on forever.

But my day's at an end and I'm wiped out. This was a long, full day. But I couldn't end it without going through this gratitude list process.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Habit of Making a Gratitude List: Advanced Version

I know many in AA who have found benefit by routinely making list of things in their life for which they feel grateful. It seems to help overcome a natural tendency many recovering alcoholics have toward self-pity and poor poor me attitudes, particularly when we're still beset with cravings for outside solutions to inside problems.

Writing down the good things in our lives helps us keep the so-called bad things in perspective and right-sized. I remember sharing this conventional AA wisdom with Dr. Earle sometime in my first couple of months of sobriety. I'd already learned to cherish this old man's unconventional views on what seemed to being pitched by many as the "right way" to do AA. At the time, I wasn't yet comfortable or confident in my own sometime dissonant views of recovery or of AA and listening to this particular old man, who'd taken his last drink two days before I was born (6/15/1953), was something I could never get enough of....

I'd expected Earle to poo-poo the idea of making gratitude lists, but he surprised me. I thought he'd downplay the practice because it seemed to me to be yet another subtle attempt by AAs to change their feelings because they were 'bad' and/or to artificially bring about the experience of so-called 'good' feelings.

While he nodded in agreement with these concerns of mine, it didn't deter him from finding potential benefit in the practice or exercise of making gratitude lists. He simply said that many people in AA had found great benefit in that routine practice. That seemed enough for him, but I suspected there was more to it.

Though he's long gone now (he died in January 2003 when I was almost 14 months sober...), I've been thinking about him recently and how what I learned from him might help me develop a new version or method in writing a gratitude list. One that might avoid the suspect path of trying to be or feel something other than was we are or what we feel. I'm confident Earle would like this new way of making a gratitude list, so I will dedicate it to him now and assume his blessing.

The basic idea is to make two lists: the first is the typical gratitude list of things for which was are grateful: things like being sober, being in relationships that are nurturing, having a job, having a friend, being alive, being healthy, etc. These are all things that we "feel" grateful for, things that we see good in. Things that we are thankful for. For our ability to love, to be kind, to be honest, to be forgiving, to be compassionate.

When that list is as long as you can make it, then start a second list of all the things that you don't feel grateful for, that you resent, that you regret, that make you sad. Things you grieve over. Things you wish hadn't happened in the past or things that you wish weren't happening now. For example, some alcoholics wish that they weren't alcoholics. If that's one of your regrets, write it down. It's ok, no one's looking. It's your list. Other regrets might be things that you might have said or done in the past which might have hurt you or others. Things which no amends seem to wipe from your memory. Memories of actions or deeds which make us wince now. The death of someone you loved (or hated). Let loose! Give yourself permission to remember (remember means to put the pieces of a human being back together: to re-member one whose had their members removed) back to all those "bad" things in our past or in our current experience. You might be without a job right now. You might have just ended a special relationship. If you don't have true gratitude for it, write it down. Think of the most annoying flaws in the person you love the most in the world: things you've been wanting them to change since the very beginning of your relationship.

The next step to the process takes time and is going to be different for each person. The next task is to become aware of the fact that nothing in our first list would be possible were it not for each of the things in the second list. In my experience, there are direct links between each of the items in my "bad" regrets list and each of the items in my "good" things list. The fact that I'm sober, which means everything to me now, would mean nothing were it not for the fact that I was a drunk and that I did every stupid and shameful act that I did when I was drinking or when I was "dry".

The sadness that I have over the fact that my father died of alcoholism years before I got sober, was the very foundation of the joy I felt when I sat across from my son and told him that while he had been getting clean and sober for the last year, I had been drinking on a daily basis and that I finally understood that I was an alcoholic and that I was going to try and do what my son had been doing successfully for five months: try to stay sober one day at a time. The joy when he smiled back at me and said, "Gee, Dad, that's great! We're BOTH addicts!" --- would simply not have been there were it not grounded in the knowledge of my own father's addiction and ultimate death due to this disease. His death wasn't a failure, it was a consequence. And one other consequence from his death was that I knew in my heart what laid before me if I continued doing what I was doing.

My wife's overly critical eye has been the bane of my existence since shortly after we got married over 28 years ago. It's only recently (by means of this gratitude process...) that I've been able to see that part of what annoys me about her critical eye is that she has pretty damn good eye sight! That is, much of her criticism of me is right on the money. Part of what I don't always understand about her is that she most likely saves her most harsh criticism not for me, but for herself. She beats herself relentlessly, although quietly and to herself alone. In comparison, her criticism of me is mild and gentle. To be honest with myself, much that I have accomplished and improved in my life is a direct result of her assistance and guidance. I'm basically a slug.

For me, the benefit of this two step process in making a Gratitude List is that gradually the items in these separate lists begin to meld together into one list. All is Good. Everything is perfect, just they way it is, has been and will be.

One day when Earle and I were waiting for the meeting to begin, he asked me how I was doing. I was only a few months sober --- so I lied: I told him that I was doing fine. He laughed and said to me, "You wouldn't lie to an old man like me, would you?" I smiled and answered, "Well, apparently I would!" I told him that I was regretting the fact that it took me so long to get sober and that I'd caused a lot of harm and hurt along the way, in particular with my wife and kids.

He nodded with sympathy and then told me that "Were it not for every single drink that you took in your life, every single drunk, every single stupid and hurtful thing that you did while drunk or sober....you would not be sitting here right now. And, were it not for every single drink that I (Earle) took in my life, every single drunk, every single stupid and hurtful thing that I did while drunk or sober in my life....I would not be sitting here right now. So if all of that hadn't happened in each of our lives, neither of us would have come to be right here, right now. And if that's true, then how can any of what has happened to either of us be bad?"

The meeting then began and my life had changed once again.

Take care!

Mike L.

Gratitude and Resentment: Not Feelings

I sometimes notice that in meetings there are times that certain topics for discussion begin floating from one meeting to another. Sort of cross-pollination. In the last couple of weeks, the topic that's floating around here, both in the Contra Costa county area where I live, but also in Sacramento where I work, is the topic of Gratitude.

When I first got sober in October 2001, I remember that during the month of November the topic was often Gratitude. While I was glad to have had the obsession and the actual act of drinking leave me the month earlier (two days before my first AA meeting...), I wouldn't characterize myself as grateful. In fact, those that described themselves as "grateful alcoholics" sort of bothered me. What was there to be grateful about? Sure, I was sober----but I wasn't able to drink and for some strange reason I missed that. I missed what was clearly a miserable way of life. Strange.

By the time my second sober November came around, the topic of Gratitude started being bantered about and I think I started harboring something of a resentment for this unofficial AA tradition of focusing on the Thanksgiving-like theme of Gratitude during the month of November. That's when I learned an important truth about both Gratitude and Resentment. Neither were feelings.

When I was newly sober, my feelings were all over the map and I was, to say the least, quite uncomfortable with them. All of them. Good (sense of peace, calm, joy, happiness, love, affection, etc.) and Bad (anger, fear, jealousy, hatred, anger, depression, anger, etc.). None of them were the way they "should" be: if they were "good" they weren't good enough or they didn't last long enough. If they were "bad" they were too bad and lasted waaaaay too long.

Within a short time, I met Dr. Earle who'd gotten sober two days before I was born. He'd gotten sober on June 15, 1953 and I was born June 17, 1953. When I met him, I was 48 years old and two months sober; he was 48 years and five months sober. One of the first things I learned from Earle was that there was nothing good or bad about feelings: they just were. Actually, I don't think I learned this from Earle. He certainly tried to teach me this truth of his, but I wasn't buying any of it. Learning took some time.

Earle would some times come into a meeting and gently put his gnarly old hand on my shoulder and ask, "How are you doing, Mike?" I'd respond as I thought one should in public, "Fine." He'd then look at me with a knowing smile and say, "You wouldn't lie to an old man like me, would you?" and then he'd sit down next to me and we'd chat before the meeting. I can't tell you how much I miss those chats. Especially today as tomorrow will be the 5th anniversary of his death.

When I eventually became comfortable enough sharing some of the truth about my feelings with this old man, we would sometimes get into a back and forth routine along the lines of the following: What are you feeling? A little depressed I suppose. What's wrong with that? Well, I don't like feeling depressed. What's wrong with that? It's depressing! What's wrong with that? I start to feel sad. What's wrong with that? It hurts. What's wrong with that? I start to get angry. What's wrong with that? I don't like being angry. What's wrong with that? It's uncomfortable! What's wrong with that?

Now, that would go on and on until I'd get so frustrated that this absolutely stupid old man who, in addition to being 48 years sober was also a licensed psychiatrist and surgeon, seemed to be fixated on asking me the same question again and again and again. What's wrong with that feeling? Ultimately, I'd lose all patience and respect for this man and let loose with what I hoped to be the "Final Answer" with him and I told him that "what was wrong" with all these feelings was that if I kept having them, I was surely going to start feeling like drinking again! God dammit! I thought that would finally shut him up, but, you guessed it: his only response was to ask with that irritating smile, "Well, Mike, what's wrong with that?"

By that time, I'd learned enough to know that it was useless to follow up with the only remaining retort which was, if I kept feeling like this any longer, I might not only "feel" like drinking, I might actually drink! I never asked him that question. For years, I've thought that his response might have been, "what's wrong with that?" but recently, I've decided that he would have said that all of these feelings, including the fear of drinking again, were all just feelings. Not good or bad. Just feelings. For years I'd attempted to manage feelings by means of alcohol and other techniques and aides. None of them really worked because they were all premised on the idea that particular feelings were unacceptable. I don't think that Earle would have flippantly said that the actual "act of drinking" again would be good, he was talking about feelings within me. Come to think of it, he pretty much only talked about feelings and emotions. Even when he was talking about seemingly "spiritual" things, he was really talking about emotions. I think for him, emotions and spirituality were synonymous.

Anyway, it was about this time that I started to try to reconcile Earle's teaching on feelings with some things I was hearing in AA, including the importance of Gratitude in the recovery process and the ultimate dangers of Resentment. When I listened to recovering alcoholics talk about either of these topics, I thought most people were talking about "feelings" (grateful and resentful) and if so, I began to wonder "Why were they talking about Gratitude as something 'good' and Resentment as something 'bad'?" Given that Earle was something of an AA icon (his story was in the Big Book and he had known Bill Wilson), I thought I'd finally found his Achilles Heal: were all these folks wrong to talk goodly about Gratitude and badly about Resentment?

When I challenged Earle about this apparent widespread heresy, he laughed and explained to me that neither Gratitude or Resentment were feelings. They were both attitudes. Or better, decisions. Gratitude was a attitude or habit one could develop over time to appreciate all that one had received in life, so-called good and so-called bad. He said that for some time, recovering alcoholics had discovered the value of developing such a habit or attitude of gratitude. It seemed to help many people stay sober and, more importantly, develop a joyful and contented way of life...without need for chemical enhancement.

Resentment too was not a feeling: it was a decision. Resentment means to "re-feel" and while resentment is often mis-talked about as though it were a feeling in itself, it wasn't. Earle believed that resentment wasn't a feeling, it was a decision (sometimes a well-entrenched habit) to hold on to a particular feeling well beyond it's natural life span. Resentment isn't "anger", it's a decision to hold onto anger (or any other negative feeling) well beyond it's normal shelf life.

After six years of sobriety, I'm no longer resentful about the topic of Gratitude. I actually appreciate it and enjoy the opportunity it gives me to share this story with others. January's become a time for me to reflect of the gifts of my sobriety, and one of the most important gifts given me in my life was the fourteen months I had spending some time with Dr. Earle Marsh. The night he died, I was holding his hand. He wasn't alone. He'd waited for me.

And that's another story.

Mike L.