So, What Do You Mean By That?

Last week my son taught me something that I think I'm going to have a hard time learning. When someone says something that I strongly disagree with, he suggests that rather than arguing with them or trying to convince them of the incorrectness of their view (or the correctness of my own) that I simply ask them, "So, what do you mean by that?"

I can't remember what it is I was recounting to my son, but when I had explained what had happened and how poorly my own response had worked, I was stunned by the wisdom of his simple approach. Rather than argue, just ask them what they mean? Word by word if necessary.

Recently, I have gotten embroiled in a testosterone laced argument with another recovery blogger over the issue of whether alcoholism is a disease or a choice. I grabbed on to the word "disease" and he grabbed on to the word "choice" and we started beating each other over the head with our words, getting absolutely nowhere.

In one of our exchanges, he stated that the only thing he and I agreed with is that alcoholism is an allergy. I glossed over that statement until this morning when I realized that I'm not at all clear what the distinction is between something being an allergy but not a disease. I've always considered allergy to be a type or example of a disease. That is, an alcohol allergy is a type of disease.

I guess I should follow my son's advice and ask this guy, "So, what do you mean by disease?" How can alcoholism not be a disease but still be an allergy? And, what do you mean by alcoholism being a "choice"? What choice does the alcoholic have? Drink? Not drink? Can an alcoholic choose to drink "like" a non-alcoholic?

I hate it when my son forgets his role as student and becomes better teacher than dad.

Take care! I've got to go back to school.

Mike L.

Humility vs Humiliation

Humility happens during those brief moments when we become willing to learn, when we are open to the truth about who we are. Humiliation is when our truth is prematurely disclosed to us in front of others.



A friend of mine in the program came up to me before a meeting last week and asked if he could talk to me outside for a minute. He is a little over a year sober and he had a problem and didn't know what to do. For some reason, he thought I was someone who, in addition to his sponsor, might have some good counsel. He'd heard me chair for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he told the group that he'd heard me talk in meetings before but had never heard my story. After hearing my story, he shared, in front of God and everyone, that if he ever needed a new sponsor, I would be on the short list. I was deeply honored. And to be honest, a little embarrassed.


Anyway, his problem was involving someone he considers a friend in recovery: apparently, this other person has been doing some things in meetings that my friend is finding very troubling. I'm not going to go into the details here as some people who read this blog know me and my meetings. There's a thousand ways to trample on other people's privacy. I know, I think I've trampled in at least 999 ways....unwittingly. But an unwitting trample is just as harmful as a witting one.

After listening to the basics of this problematic situation, I had several ideas for how he could proceed: First, he might want to talk about this with his sponsor before doing anything. He might want to try taking the time to think/pray about this. [This problem has some urgency in that it appears the friend he's dealing with is "escalating" in their problematic behaviors...and it seems to me that if something isn't done relatively soon, that friend might very well drink or worse.]

In addition, I suggested that I were in his shoes, I would first want to look into myself to see where this type of behavior (stealing) exists and has existed in his own life. How is/has he dealt with his own dishonesty?

Ultimately, he should ponder: What can I do that would be helpful to this other person? What responsibilities do I have to the people being harmed by this behavior?

He could ask to talk to this person and tell her that he was concerned about her and wanted to know if she was ok. And then, if it felt right, to tell her what he'd seen. The main thing, in my view, was to try and be as kind as possible. Do this without judgment. Whatever's going on, I subscribe to the belief that "we did then what we knew how to do, when we knew better--we did better". Obviously then, she's in a situation in her life where the only thing she knows how to do is take what she's taking/stealing. There's no need to create shame or guilt in her---trust me, it's already there in spades.

The meeting was then beginning, so I told him that I still wanted to think about this and get back to him. I thought it was a difficult position for him to be in with only a year sober. He then decided to tell me who it was that he was talking about and the floor went out from under me. The person he was talking about was a close friend of mine in the program. I was absolutely shocked. I went into the meeting stunned and my mind was reeling. I didn't hear much of the chair (I'd heard this guy's story many times...) --- but as my mind wandered, all sorts of things started to fall into place and the reality of this situation started "ringing true." All sorts of little things started connecting together in my mind, all indicating that this friend was in serious trouble emotionally and that if something isn't done soon, it could easily take a severe turn for the worse.

During the meeting, I did share on the topic of Humility and the distinction I've learned in these rooms between Humility and Humiliation. That humility is a moment when you're willing to learn truth and that humiliation is where truth is prematurely disclosed to you...in front of God and everyone. I shared that I was presented with a very challenging problem just before the meeting and that I was feeling very very humbled by this problem: I simply did not really know what to do. And I was afraid of causing harm to another person I loved. And that I was equally afraid that were I to do nothing, the same or worse harm would come to that same person. And then I shared with them that this is such a difficult problem, I might just break down and actually talk about this with my sponsors. They laughed. They know me.

For the last several days, I've continued to ponder about this problem. Have talked to a few close friends in the program and am going to see my sponsor shortly... I even talked about this situation with my son on the day he completed 8 years clean. He was very helpful. He's a tremendously kind person and very serious about his program.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I imagined several scenarios for my talking with this friend. The scenario that felt most right was to sit her down for a serious talk where we won't be interrupted and we have some privacy (a public park...). I want to tell her that I've been hearing some things being said about her, from people I trust and respect. That I'm very concerned about her and want to convey one thing to her right now: I love her with all my heart and soul. Not in any bullshit romantic/sexual way, but as a fellow human being in recovery. And that this love is such that there is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that she could ever do or say that would lessen or harm or extinguish that love. I have absolute trust and confidence that she is doing the best she can in the circumstances in which she finds herself...and that if she knew of better things to do, she'd do them. I know from my own past and present that there are times when I do things that break some or all of my moral codes and my sense of right and wrong --- I do them oftentimes out of fear and hopelessness and despair. And often, there are some behaviors which seem to get worse and worse through a never ending series of bad actions followed by guilt/remorse/shame, followed by the very same (or worse) bad actions, followed by guilt/remorse/shame, etc. etc. etc.

And depending on her reaction, I might just very well end it there and tell her that if she ever wants to talk about anything that's troubling her, I'd be willing to listen. I don't really think I need to go into the details of what people are saying, that's really none of her or my business. But if she pushes on that issue, I might very well disclose the basic concerns people are having and what they think they've seen her doing...

That seems right to me now. I'll run it by one of my sponsors (maybe even all three! I really wish Earle was here so I could get his take on this!) before doing anything.

Take care!

Mike

Humility and the 7 Steps

As I'm sure I've mentioned in the past, I'm not a big fan of the Defects of Character Chorus in AA. In fact, the biggest challenge for me in recovery has been letting go of a habit of "self-hatred" that I picked up during my lifetime and all this supposed recovery talk of one's defects of character has been a somewhat of a dangerous experience for a sensitive one like me.

That said then, when it came time for me to deal with the 7th step--Humbly asked God to remove these defects of character--what helped me the most was how Dr. Earle defined 'humility' for me one day while we were waiting for a meeting to begin. Earle taught me much in those brief meetings before the meetings...

On that particular day, when I was only a few months sober, Earle told me that humility was not something to be possessed or "had" -- humility was simply a moment in time when we were willing to learn. In Buddhism, I think it's referred to as "beginner's mind". It's said that once we think we know, we've moved past humility....and oftentimes for me, that entails moving into some sort of "teaching" moment where I'm trying to convince others about what I think I know (but don't). I sometimes joke that it's almost impossible to talk about humility without violating it's basic essence. Humility seems to be more comfortable or possible in silence.

Anyway, that time before the meeting began, Earle said that humility was just a moment in time where we were willing to learn, where we were open to learning. I liked that insight and wanted to talk more with Earle, but the "real meeting" began...

Months later, well after Earle's death, I was able to apply Earle's definition of humility to my own work on the 7th step, a step which interestingly enough begins with the word, "Humbly". The 7th step begins then from a stance of humility, a decision to be open to learning more about who we are as human beings.

Humility seems to be vitally important in this particular step. In fact, I wonder if the previous 6 steps could really be successfully worked without such a humble approach. Without an attitude of humility, we might have blindly worked through the previous six steps with the mistaken ideas (1) that we had some choice about being/not being alcoholics and that as a result there was something "immoral" about us and our drinking problem; (2) that we were somehow mentally deficient, if not downright insane and that such insanity was the cause of our alcoholism; (3) that some Higher Power "out there" had some preset agenda about what we should/shouldn't do ("God's will") and about what we needed to go "if" we were to be worthy of that Higher Power's full albeit conditional acceptance and love; (4) that our inventory was an "immoral" one; (5) that freedom from the past involved confessional-like acts of self-hatred and self-judgments practiced through repetitive expressions of shame and guilt about the same prior acts and emotions again and again; and, finally, (6) that freedom would be achieved by some sort of outside Higher Power/Surgeon cutting out evil, pride, lust and all sorts of other darknesses within.

For those who do see these as their accomplishments from Steps 1 thru 6, then it is likely that you will then see Step 7 as a continuance of purification rite which involves some sort of outside and powerful force coming into your lives and removing something from you that was wrong, dirty and evil. Step 7, in such a scheme, involves us trying to let go of these "wrongs" so that God will be able to take them away. Hopefully, permanently.

That was not my experience of the 7th step, nor were those my experiences of the prior 6 steps. What I learned in the first six steps was (1) that I just happen to be an alcoholic and it's perfectly OK...now I just need to focus on staying sober today; (2) that my insanity was the result of trying with all my might to be something in was not: I was an alcoholic trying to be a non-alcoholic; (3) that when I let go of my death grip on the idea that I could force myself to not be an alcoholic or to escape any other realities of my life, that I would be OK; (4) that with this understanding of "me as alcoholic" my whole past life became clear: that's why I did what I did!!!; (5) that when I disclosed this "truth" to myself and to others I found and experience freedom to be me, today; and finally, (6) that this same healing process which first happened to me in terms of discovering my own truth as it relates to alcoholism, could happen in all other areas of my life where there was darkness, guilt or shame. Despair/Hopeless led to Awareness. Awareness led to Acceptance. Acceptance led to Self-Disclosure. Self-Disclosure led to Freedom.

For me then, the key was a willingness to learn. To be humble. When I listen other other people's stories, their bottoms involved "humiliation" which is similar to "humble" except that it is where the learning happens when we weren't really quite yet ready for the learning to happen in a softer gentler way. Humiliation happens when we discover Truth by falling flat on our face into that Truth of who we are. The so-called "pitiful incomprehensible demoralization" experience talked about on the first page of More About Alcoholism.

The 7th step then begins for me by continuing with an attitude or predisposition of "not knowing," of not having set and strongly held beliefs about who I am or what and why I've done what I've done. It begins with wonder. It begins with a willingness to learn. And it takes time. Ever so much time. In fact, if there ever was a step which I believe in reworking on a daily basis, in addition to Step 1, it would be Steps 6/7.

As I've said before, my 7th step process was helped a great deal by means of a line from Maya Angelou which has been greatly responsible for my coming to be kinder and more gentle with myself and what I've done in the past: "We did then what we knew how to do; when we knew better, we did better." In my 6th Step, what I became entirely ready to do was to treat myself with the kind of unconditional love and acceptance that many attribute to their understanding of their Higher Power. What I was becoming entirely ready to let go of was not "parts of myself" but rather, the labels and judgments about me that condemned and ridiculed me. Nothing was removed per se, the labels/judgments just fell away from disuse. Like the tree leaves in Fall. They'd served their purpose.

For me, this stance of humility in the 7th step was one of learning more about the Mike of my past and why he did what he did. What happened was that the labels I placed on my past actions, what others like to call "shortcomings" or "character defects" --- began to lose their damning edge and flavor. Selfish and self-centered really don't shed any light on who I was or who I am. I personally don't share the belief that these or other such neat and tidy labels were the underlying foundation of my drinking problem.

The underlying foundation of my drinking problem, and I'm just talking about and for me, was not character defects. The source of my problem was that I was physically different from non-alcoholics/drug addicts in terms of how my body processed certain chemicals like alcohol, pot and all the other mind altering drugs I didn't partake in before I got sober. Once I accepted that fact (my first step), I experienced a freedom to be me: an alcoholic. For me, that freedom released me from the obsession to drink that had plagued me on an ever increasing basis for a period of about 30 years.

That being true, then, why work anything more than the 1st Step? Well, for me, I kept going in part because I wanted to be a full member of this weird organization, but also because being "dry" didn't hold much attraction for me. I'd seen dry drunks and suicide was a far more attractive option than that. The rest of the steps presented me with the possibility of going beyond "non drinking" dryness: it held out the possibility that there was life above and beyond both drinking and simply not drinking.

And in terms of the 7th step, that came in the form of embracing my imperfect, wounded, "torn-to-pieces-hood" (thanks Ernie Kurtz, author of my favorite book, The Spirituality of Imperfection!) humanity.

For my entire lifetime, I thought I knew what my defects of character were: all the bad things about me, including my alcoholism. But I was truly ignorant. On the day my 7th step happened to me, I realized that all the things I thought wrong with me were simply one side of a coin: the so-called "bad" side.

For me, the 7th step involved looking at both sides of these coins, including the one called "alcoholism". Alcoholism was a dis-ease, but it was not a death sentence that I thought it was. It has in fact been the primary reason I have achieved the level of happiness and serenity that I've been able to achieve by this point in my life. Were it not for this "defect" I wouldn't be the wonderful, kind, and loving father and husband I've started to become over the last six years... And if that's true, why would I refer to alcoholism as a "defect" of mine?

For 30 years, I attempted to avoid my potential and actual alcoholism by trying to keep my drinking and my behavior outside of the definition of alcoholism. For most of those 30 years, the definition was that an alcoholic was someone who couldn't stop drinking, even when stopping was required in order to be the kind of person, the kind of father, I so wanted to be. That definition worked for me for most of those years, until the day came when I couldn't stop drinking when I was asked to do just that to be supportive of my 15 year old son's recovery from this same disease.

Looking back, I wasn't interested in the truth behind the question, "Was I an alcoholic?" No, I was only interested in the answer being "No!" Ultimately, I couldn't keep my drinking within the bounds of what I knew to be non-alcoholic drinking -- but by then, I'd lost the ability to stop drinking "on demand" or by willpower. And then, I woke up and realized that the inability to stop drinking was a disease called "alcoholism" and that that was just a physiological disease and that I had it. Luckily, after seeing my son begin his recovery, I knew there was a solution and I began going down this path. Alcoholism wasn't a defect of character for me, it was part of who I was, who I am. It's not something that God or anyone else took away from me: it's still a real part of me. What happened, and I think this was by means of a sliver of humility, is I became aware of the truth about who I was and that truth gave me freedom.

Ok, this has gone on way too long. I suppose that my worst fear, Blogger's Block, has gone the way of most feared things.

Take care!

Mike L.

Ahhh, The Good ol' Days....

An AA friend passed on to me an email that's circulating around the Internet by some AAer going on at some length about how AA has gotten corrupted as a result of treatment centers and the influx of their graduates into the rooms of AA and that, as a result, our proven "success rate" (whatever that is and however anyone could ever measure that!) has dwindled to unacceptable levels. The email basically concludes that the only solution is to get back to the basics, go back to doing it that way they used to do it in the good ol' days of early AA. Ahhh, then things will be as they should be!

I think not.

The email resulted in my own counter-rant email to my friend --- a rant against the position espoused by the forwarded email's anonymous author. I even forwarded my AA friend a link to a previous blog of mine on this dangerous theme of some old timers that we need to get back to the way it was done when they were getting sober. I mean, why not get some more mileage out of that previous rant of mine? Anyway, apparently, I've still got some steam in me over this, so I thought I'd let it go here.

First of all, one of the cornerstones of early AA (at least as I read it...) is their humility. They didn't claim to have found a conformist or dogmatic cookie cutter kind of a program that would work for everyone in exactly the same way. They knew that such a dogmatic approach wouldn't work for alcoholics like them. I suspect if the early timers in AA heard the dogmatic "back to basics" chanting of some of the folks I hear in AA meetings today, they'd stand up and tell these "I Know the Way" gang of folks to sit down and shut up. They want to hear more about what happened to these folks who found part of their answer by means of a treatment center....

They might remind us to re-read that paragraph toward the end of the first part of the Big Book, on page 164, where they closed this section with the most clear statement of their humble, not know-it-all approach to a program of recovery: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us."

Why is it these "Beware the end of AA is near-sayers" don't consider that treatment centers are part of this "more" that would be disclosed to us?

Why is it they don't consider that the reason AA stopped doing things like they did in the good ol' days---like having newcomers get down on their knees and saying/doing their 3rd step prayer before ever being allowed into an AA meeting---is that this shit didn't work? They adapted and looked for ways that worked more effectively at allowing people to come into the rooms of AA and to stay as long as they wanted.

Why is they seem to be fighting a never ending battle against the trends currently being seen in AA where we are more and more tolerant of others and their paths into the rooms of AA? Weren't we supposed to get to a point where we ceased fighting everyone and everything? Isn't that one of the "basics" old time AA? The grumpy old men and women who chided new and not so newcomers for identifying as "andas" (alcoholic and a addict) seem to be dying out now and it just doesn't seem to bother most folks how other folks identify themselves in an AA meeting. Personally, I don't see a distinction between alcoholic and addict. Alcohol is a drug. A recovering addict will not do well in their recovery if they consider alcohol "less than" any other drug. A recovering alcoholic will not do well on any sort of marijuana maintenance program. We all know that. I really have more important things to do in my life than concern myself with these semantic nonsensical pissing matches.

In fact, I think I'm done with this rant. Feel better now.

Take care.

Mike L.

Importance of Humilty in the Recovery Process

The topic of humility has been coming up in meetings recently and today I just heard a great chair by a guy who I've watched getting sober over the last couple of years. While he started off his chair (what some people refer to a lead...he told his story, whatever you call it) today, he said that he didn't feel like he had much to say because he had only a relatively short time continuously sober. He closed his chair by saying that he didn't really know what, if anything, he was doing differently this time in his sobriety, but whatever it was, it seemed to be working.

After the meeting, I went up and told him that I did notice something different in his demeanor today that I hadn't seen before. And that was a deep sense of humility.

A couple of years ago, I was reading a biography of Sr. Ignatia, who was a Catholic nun and early friend to Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson. She was working in an Akron hospital, I think where Dr. Bob had some sort of privileges and where he and Bill started making early attempts to find other drunks to help. Sr. Ignatia, while not an alcoholic, saw something in what these two men were doing and it became her mission in life to help them out. She surrepticiously began redirecting incoming patients who displayed symptoms of alcoholism to special rooms in the hospital and then helped Dr. Bob and other early AAers approach these folks and attempt to help them if that was their wish.

Anyway, as to humility, Sr. Ignatia was transferred away from this hospital at some point (apparently, her religious superiors didn't like the idea of a nun hanging around a bunch of drunks, Doctors or not). Well, she ended up keeping contact with Dr. Bob and continued to help alcoholics connect up with other alcoholics.

Before his death, Dr. Bob gave Sr. Ignatia a little plaque which she kept on her desk for the remainder of her life. The plaque was entitled, "Humility" and Dr. Bob inscribed it something along the lines of "any alcoholic who acquired this sort of humility would do well in their sobriety."

Humility is perpetual quietness of heart.

It is to have no trouble.

It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sure.
To wonder at nothing done to me;

to feel nothing done against me.

It is to be at rest when no one praises me.

And when I am blamed or despised,

it is to have a blessed home in myself

where I can go in a shut the door

and kneel to my father in secret

and be at peace.

As in a deep sea of calmness

where all around and about me

there is seeming trouble.

Dr. Earle once told me that in his mind, humility wasn't a thing to be possessed once and for all. It was more like a moment in time where we became willing to learn. I used to wonder what the difference was between "humility" and "humiliation" and in terms of what Earle said, I eventually came to believe that humiliation happened at those times in our life where we simply couldn't pretend anymore about who we were or what we had become and we fell flat on our face in the ground of our truth. They both have their root in the Greek (?) word "humus" the ground from which human beings were supposedly fashioned.

For many, humility comes about subsequent to humiliation. Whatever. Both can lead to a better understanding of ourselves and what we have become.

Humility is what I heard in Jeremy's story today. I heard a man who was willing to learn more about who he was, both as a alcoholic and as a man. I pray that he doesn't forget what he's been lucky to learn.

Mike L.