The Human Ego: Not an Original Part

I was reading something yesterday in one of David Richo's books and it was really powerful.  He said in effect that the human ego was not part of us humans when we were born.  It's something that each of us have learned as a consequence of certain events happening or not happening in our lives. 

What events cause an ego to develop?  Essentially, I think he was saying that the human ego---what Chuck Chamberlin defined as "the conscious feeling of being separate from other people, other things, God and ultimately, even ourselves---comes about when we do not receive what Richo calls the "Five As" from our parents and other important influencers in our lives.  The Five As are: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection and Allowing.  All of us have had experiences in our lives when we did not receive the fullness of each of these from our parental figures.  The Five As all taken together, it seems to me, amount to Love.  And as a result, all of us have developed an ego in response to these events where we wanted and needed love, and didn't receive as much of it as we wanted and needed.  And as a result, we developed an ego to help us survive and move on....

The point made by Richo that struck me so deeply though was that the ego is a natural development of human beings.  It serves a good purpose at least for some period of time.  For most of us, it seems to save our lives and allows us to survive various traumas, big and small, as we grow up.  As a result, Richo cautions against the tendency to want to attack and demean the human ego.  The ego is not diminished by such attacks---in fact, it seems to only grow as a result of such efforts.  The effective treatment for the ego is love and kindness.

I'm going to chew on this for awhile now.  This approach seems right but quite contrary to much AA talk where there is much written to the effect that our ego needs to be "smashed" and all the talk about the need to rid ourselves of so-called defects of character.  And even our talk in regards to the disease of alcoholism itself: treating this disease as though it's something bad, as something that's wrong with us.  Something needing a cure.

There's nothing, absolutely nothing!, wrong with begin an alcoholic.  At least not for me.  Today.  My problem wasn't that I was an alcoholic: it was that I was an alcoholic who was trying to drink like a non-alcoholic.  Once I realized that my body was simply "alcoholic" in nature, permanently, and that it was possible to live sober and live fully despite that fact of being alcoholic, I experienced a freedom that's been sustained in me for the last eight years.

I still have lots of work to do, to be sure.  And most of that, I suspect, has to do with learning more about this ego of mine, how it's developed over my life and how it influences how I see things today.  I think I'm going to enjoy getting to know more about this inner child of mine.  I think I know his voice, gentle, oftentimes afraid, wanting my attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and, most of all, wanting to be allowed to be himself, just they way he really is.

My name is Mike and I am an alcoholic.

Take care!

Mike L.

Alcoholic's Greatest Problem and Greatest Solution: The Ego

As I've mentioned in other recent blogs, two of my friends in AA have recently relapsed and while both are sober again each seem to be having their own struggles with the fact that they relapsed and with coming back into the rooms of AA and raising their hands, disclosing that they are once again in their 1st 30 days of sobriety.

I remember once listening to an old, now deceased, circuit speaker named Chuck Chamberlain. In his pitch, he said that the greatest problem and the greatest solution for the alcoholic was the Ego. Then he laughed and asked, "What's the Ego? Well, the best definition I've ever heard for ego is "The conscious feeling of being separate from. Separate from what? Separate from other people, separate from things, separate from God, separate from ourselves." When he wrote his book, which seems to be a verbatim transcription of his standard pitch, he included a drawing of this ego: it was a little stick figure (representing "me") standing alone and outside a big circle. Inside the circle were the words, "God, Other People, Things, Ourself".

I was immediately taken with this view of a person's total isolation and loneliness. Totally disconnected from anyone and anything. Alone. That was me toward the end of my drinking. Isolated and Alone. I couldn't let anyone "in" or within touching distance because I simply couldn't accept myself for who I had become: a drunk just like my dad.

Chuck C. refers to this isolated and lonely existence as the result of an unhealthy Ego. This sort of ego is one that separates us from others and from ourselves. For the alcoholic, it spells death because it's an existence that's provides the disease of alcoholism full reign over our body and choices. I understood immediately why Chuck characterized this as the alcoholic's greatest problem.

What was never clear to me though is what Chuck meant by his comment that the ego was also the source of the alcoholic's ultimate solution. It didn't seem to make sense and I listened to his tape multiple times trying to find out where he explained this strange and perplexing concept. I also bought his book and couldn't find any answers. So, I've made up my own.

The way I understand this healthy ego is by considering several concepts used in AA for a long time now: the deflation of the ego or ego deflation, and getting right-sized. Some people seem to take the approach that the ego is bad and must be demolished or annihilated. What little psychology I've had tells me that the ego is a essential component of being human. The unhealthy ego, it seems, is the sense of self that extends beyond who I really am and is used to keep others from getting close to or hurting "me". The healthy ego though, is more right-sized in some way and is not used to keep others away as it is to keep a healthy boundary between me and others. It accepts that human be-ing means getting close to others, touching, hurt, pain, love. It permits connection without loss of self.

A healthy ego does not cringe when someone gives them a compliment or expresses admiration. A healthy ego does not need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better or superior. A healthy ego can accomplish a moral inventory without over-exaggerating the good or the bad. In fact, the healthy ego doesn't have much use for such distinctions between good and bad. Whatever is, is. We see things clearly and try to find ways to do better in the future.

For the alcoholic, the healthy ego is one that accepts the truth of addiction and all its ramifications. It looks back to past actions when we were drinking and sees things for what they are. It sees the compulsion and the obsession underneath the behavior. It sees the craving, the need for more and more and more. It understands the need for abstinence. It understands the permanent and progressive nature of this disease and what will happen should I put alcohol or other mind-altering drugs in my body.

The healthy ego also has the ability to feel compassion toward others who share this disease, both when they are drinking and when they are striving to get and remain sober. The healthy ego has the ability to empathize with other alcoholics, to identify and connect with another person's struggles, confusion and fears. They can say with total honesty and compassion, "I understand. I've been there. Here, let me help you. There is a solution. Let's find it. You don't have to do this alone."

Take care!

Mike L.