Our Calling

For th last two months I've been running on all cylinders in all areas of my life. Work has been consuming me with multiple major projects, any one of which could have occupied me and my staff for a full year. My family is expanding and changing on what seems to be a daily basis: youngest daughter getting married next month, first grandchild reaching her six month milestone with an infectious smile, a second grandchild (my son's) due before end of year.  My recovery program has continued to escalate, more sponsees than I feel comfortable with, but for now, haven't been willing to say no when someone asks (primarily because I could always give up a meeting or two if needed since I still go to 10 or more meetings a week).

But in the last two months or so, I was presented with some challenges with one of my sponsees that kept me "just before" being overwhelmed at almost a constant state of affairs.  But, as suggested by one of my mentors in AA, I needed to simply take things one whelm at a time --- otherwise, I'd get overwhelmed!  The challenge came with the guy who first asked me to be his sponsor over five and a half years ago: late last year he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and he successfully walked through all the fears that came with that diagnosis and had the surgery to remove his prostate early this year.  During his two month recovery at home, it seemed like his anxiety levels began to gradually increase -- I thought due to having too much time on his hands and not being used to that.  I suggested going to more meetings than he was used to and he did.  Nevertheless, he had something sort of blindside him in February and as a result of that, his mental health began to degrade on a daily basis and within a few weeks I had to have him committed to a psyche hospital because he was becoming a danger to himself.  After a harrowing several weeks in and out of these mental health hospitals, he's now back at home and beginning an intensive outpatient program to get his feet back on the ground.  Miraculously, through all of this, he's stayed sober.  Taking a drink didn't cross his mind: taking his life did.

Through all of that, I was doing everything I could to help him walk through this challenge.  I broke down and met with my sponsor about half way through the process and asked him for feedback in terms of setting boundaries, but also with dealing with the certainty that I needed to do everything within my power to help my friend.  That meeting was tremendously helpful.  He listened, asked a few insightful questions (he's a lawyer, so this is one of his great strengths!) and then shared a story with me that he'd never shared with anyone else: he'd walked through something very similar to what I was dealing with now and he shared with me how he approached his challenge.  He shared the story not to suggest that I needed to do what he did, but rather, just because his story was all he could offer me.  I could take what seemed to work for me and leave the rest...  I walked away with a greater sense of peace about what I was doing and that it was right for me.

Within a day or so of that meeting with my sponsor, I was reading a book by David Richo called "The Five Things We Cannot Change" and at the beginning of the section I was reading, Richo quoted something from George Bernard Shaw called "The Calling":

This is the true joy in living: being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish, little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world is not devoting itself to making you happy!

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks!  I reminded me of the chapter on the 12th Step in the 12x12 wherein it states in very first paragraph that "the theme of the twelfth step is the joy of living" and then restates slightly differently amd even more powerfully in the very last paragraph of  that same chapter, "the theme of the twelfth step is the joy of good living."  Shaw was saying essentially the same thing: the joy of living comes by way of "being used for a purpose" (for me, helping other suffering alcoholics) and knowing that that purpose is a "mighty one"; that this service is done without much regard for prudence or balance, but rather, by throwing ones self into service without regard to personal hardship or reward.    That in doing this, we obtain true joy.

I committed this quote to memory over the next day or so and have repeated it to myself several times a day during my commute to/from work.  It always fills me with renewed strength and commitment to doing what I've been called to do: help other suffering alcoholics.  My recovery has taken on a renewed vitality and I don't care to question its source.

As things seem to be settling down a little now, I'm glad to get back to some blogging which is one of the things I've had to cut back on over the last couple of months.  Just not enough hours in the day.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Toolkit was Seemingly Empty...

Some time ago, I wrote a blog about one of the unique characteristics about the AA "kit of spiritual tools" or what is oftentimes referred to as the AA toolkit: what's unique about this toolkit is that most recovering alcoholics will go through their sobriety adding new and different tools to that kit and over time, they find that they freqently have to dig through the toolkit to find just the right tool for the challenge or problem facing them any one particular day.  But, at least according to the oldtimer I was listening to awhile ago, there will always come a day in every recovering alcoholic's life when he or she reaches into their toolkit only to discover that the kit is completely empty and all that seems to remain is the idea or thought of "just one drink."  Luckily for us, the AA toolkit is designed for such a day because in the bottom of every toolkit is a note.  And the note says, "You need more tools!"

Well, last week I was driving to work and I was doing my typical routine of reciting some stuff that I'd memorized as a part of my 11th step work (it was David Richo's 156 Fear Affirmations).  I'd only recited a few of them when I began thinking about a guy that I had been trying to help out for the last couple of weeks.  He'd been in recovery for several months and had a few relapses over the last year or so.  After the last relapse, he'd decided to make a change in sponsors and had asked me to be his new sponsor.  I was honored and began meeting with him once every week or so, had created a private recovery blog for him and had him posting a daily plan each night for maintaining his sobriety on the coming day.  After a few weeks, he simply disappeared: he stopped coming to meetings, didn't answer my calls or emails, stopped blogging.  Others in the program also reported that he'd stopped communicating with him and we all feared that he'd either relapsed or was in a dangerous period of isolation.

The non-responsiveness of this guy had gone on more than a week or so and I was growing more and more concerned.  Then, I'd hear from someone that he'd returned their call and that he was alive.  Drinking, but alive.  I tried various attempts at communicating with him and tried to balance that with some level of detachment.  I almost resorted to going to an Alanon meeting.  ;-}

Then this Friday on my way to work, I thought I'd try calling him another time.  I did and the call went straight to voicemail.  I tried to say something kind, hopeful, slightly funny....and then wished him well.  Asking him to let me know if there was anything I could do to help him get sober again.  Anything.

When I got off the phone, I noticed something surprising to me:  I felt better.  Prior to the call, I'd had a lingering sense of sadness, helpless, powerlessness in terms of my own abilility or inability to help this guy at this point in his recovery.  I'd often said that I have the philosphy as a sponsor to let the disease do all the hard work and then when the alcoholic is desperate enough to "stop stopping" and start trying to get or stay sober, then I reach out my hand to help in whatever way I can.

Hmmm, the phone call made me feel better!  Know that I've never been one who used the "tool" of calling other recoverying alcoholics as a part of my daily routine: I don't like the phone, I don't like talking to people who I can't see --- actually, I'm not sure I like talking to people even when I can see them!  But this day, I found out that calling another struggling alcoholic and trying to offer some sort of help in that manner, made me feel better!  I'd found a new tool at the most surprising time in my sobriety.

So, I did what I oftentimes do when I find something that works: I decided to try it again!  I thought of another guy I had been thinking about recently: he was what I refer to as an "inactive sponsee" of mine: these are guys who I had actively sponsored for some time, but for some reason or another had disconnected from me and yet still considered me to be their sponsor.  I sometimes joke that these guys had stolen my name and used it to get annoying folks off their backs in terms of "do you have a sponsor?" sorts of questions.  Sure, they would say, I've got a sponsor -- a great sponsor!  His name is Mike.  All in the hopes that that answer would make these AA pests leave them alone. 

Anyway, I began thinking of this one particular inactive sponsee: he'd met with me once about six months ago (after about a six month period of disappearing off of the horizon...) and asked me to continue being his sponsor.  We had a nice talk over coffee and then he disappeared again.  I tried a couple of times to call him, calls all went to unanswered voicemail hell.  A few weeks ago, someone had told me that they'd seen this guy the day before: that he was homeless (his wife had kicked him out of the house some weeks ago...) and drunk.  So, last Friday, I thought I'd give this "calling another suffering alcoholic" tool another test:  I called him and it went immediately to voicemail.  I wasn't really surprised, wasn't even sure he still had cell phone service, but I left of message anyway saying that I was thinking of him, that I hoped that he was sober and well, and that if there was anything I could do to help him in his recovery, please give me a call.  After leaving the message, I noticed the same consequence as the first call: I felt even better!

So, I tried it again: this time I called a guy that I knew from one of the early morning meetings that I've gone to for almost eight years:  he had been a regular at that meeting, really dove into the program, got a sponsor, worked the steps, made coffee, became a secretary, did various types of service.  A really nice guy and I loved how he simply added color and life and vitality to the meeting as his sobriety matured.  I'd not seen him around for awhile and a few weeks after Halloween this year, I'd heard from a mutual friend that this guy had had a relapse, short in duration but devastating in effect.  I'd called him a few weeks ago and he was encouraged by that call.  So this last Friday, I made a call to him as my 3rd test of this newfangled tool. 

Amazingly, he answered my call!  My first thought was, "Oh my God, now what do I do!"  I'd fully expected to get another voicemail and now he goes and screws it up by answering my call!  Anyway, after my initial shock, we had a great conversation lasting almost 30 minutes.  During that call, I even got a call back from the homeless sponsee -- I let that call go to voicemail and felt some Alanon pride coming back for doing that -- and finished up my call with the third guy.  We agreed to meet up for a noon meeting in San Francisco the coming week and then maybe lunch or coffee afterward.  Got off the phone, noticed that I felt even better after this third test and then checked my voicemail from #2.

The voicemail was amazing: he was sober and temporarily living in a homeless shelter run by some Christian missionary sect.  Not all that happy about their rules and routines, but it was a safe place to live until he could get into a nearby VA recovery program.  We had a nice talk and agreed that I'd try to stop by to see him before he moved on to the VA recovery program...it was actually in a town on my way to/from work.

I made one more call to a 4th guy before getting to work.  It was a short and sweet checkin call with a former sponsee who'd moved to the East coast over a year prior:  he'd had a relapse after his move East, had almost died just a few months ago: but was now several months sober and actively rebuilding his life and working a reinvigorated recovery program.

The wonderful ending of this day came when I was leaving a Friday night meeting that same day:  I'd had a call during the meeting that went to voicemail.  It was from my missing sponsee who for whatever reason: had heard something in my voicemail earlier that morning that helped him call me back, just to let me know that he appreciated all my calls and attempts to reach out to him.  But that he was simply unable to stop drinking.  He asked me not to give up on him and that he was going to try again to stop -- that hopefully he'd see me soon.  I called him right back: and surprisingly, he answered the phone.  We had a short but encouraging conversation and I assured him that I'd never give up on him and that I hoped he'd redirect his energies/efforts away from "stopping" toward "getting/staying sober for just one day".  He said that he'd try: but I knew the truth of that was not yet sinking in or making sense to him. 

My day ended with a sense of wonder and awe.  Who'd a thunk that a couple of phone calls could transform my world in such powerful ways!  And now, I have the sense again that my toolbox is overflowing again.  It was never really empty.  It was just full of tools that weren't the right fit for what was ailing me that day.  Guess that the tools show up when the right nut appears.

Take care!

Mike L.

Sponsoring Others: When Do I Stop Raising My Hand?

In some meetings, there's a tradition where they ask for anyone who's willing to be a sponsor or even a temporary sponsor to raise their hands. It's done to help the newcomer, or someone who's looking for a sponsor regardless of the time sober, find a sponsor. Recently, I've been feeling somewhat conflicted about raising my hands because I'm concerned that I am overextending myself or developing a Messiah complex (trying to save the world).

I've never asked someone if they wanted a sponsor. During the first three and a half years of sobriety, I did have several people come up to me after meetings, most frequently when I had told my story at the meeting, and talk to me about my becoming their sponsor: I always gave them my phone number/email address, but none of them ever called me back. It was only when I finally came to a point when I knew that I was done with working the Steps that someone actually came up to me and asked me to be his sponsor that the guy actually followed up on that request and called me and met with me. He's still my sponsee today and he's close to celebrating 4 years of sobriety.

Now after almost 8 years of recovery, I have about 10 sponsees: each of them very different in all respects. I think the only thing they all have in common is that they see something in me that's attractive to them and that they seem to be getting something out of our bi-weekly get together over coffee or dinner or just sitting outside a meeting to talk. My strategy of sponsorship has never been to focus solely or even primarily on working the Steps or reading the Big Book together. At first, I did just what had been done with me by my three primary sponsors: Dr. Earle, Dave and Russ. All three of them had the following approach when sponsoring me: they listened really well, they told great stories and they never (ever!) told me what to do or judged me.

The Steps really just sort of happened to me during my first 3 1/2 years of recovery: I went to a great Step meeting every Sunday morning for probably the first five years of my recovery, I read everything I could put my hands on (both AA approved and not) related to recovery (broadly defined). When I wondered about something in regards to any of the Steps or what I was hearing from others about any of the Steps, I talked to my sponsors about this and came to my own peace with each step. Each step was sort of like a pot of coffee: it started cooking at some point, usually "in order" (but not always) and then at some point later on, it was clear to me that the pot was done: the percolating had stopped and the pot/Step was done. I would then begin focusing my attention on the next step and it too would eventually happen.

When I was coming to the "done" part of the 12th Step, I was terrified of finishing it because I knew that completing the 12th step meant, so AA conventional wisdom held, that I would then need to begin sponsoring others. I didn't want to sponsor others: ever! I didn't want people coming to me, getting close to me, asking me for advice or input, expecting me to take them through the steps in some very specific way (like they may have heard everyone else talk about step work in meetings: it sometimes sounds like we all agree on how the steps should be worked and we pretend that there is only "one" way to do them! By the Book! What's that mean anyway? Don't get me started on the invisible "4th column" in the 4th step!). No, I'd taken care of myself, picked the best sponsors ever and well, they were free to go talk to Dave or Russ (or talk to the dead Earle if they so pleased---I do so they are free to do so also!).

But when Kim asked me to sponsor him, I simply couldn't say no. I told him that he was the first one to really be serious about this and that I was scared shitless at the prospect of sponsoring someone. That said, we moved forward and I told him that he was going to be much more the teacher than I was. Interestingly enough, he wanted to go through the Steps right away and wanted my help in doing that. It was clear that my approach of going through the steps was not going to be right for him. So we began going through the books (Big Book and 12x12) much like I hear everyone else talking about. I told him that I hadn't done it this way, so not to be surprised if it started to become clear to him that I was a complete failure as a sponsor. But we got through it together. He couldn't read very well and he was even worse at writing. But that didn't seem to bother either one of us: we adapted. His 4th step was a list of events in his life that he just jotted down enough information to remind him to talk to me more about this when we did the 5th step. When we did the 5th step, we just sat at his kitchen table and he told me the story of his life, particularly as it related to his love affair with alcohol and his life long fight not to be an alcoholic. He found relief when we stood up at the end and hugged. I still loved him.

None of my other sponsees have duplicated that process. Each one is different and my approach with each has been quite different. At least three of my sponsees (I really don't like that word by the way) have substantial amounts of sober time than I do -- one is close to 30 years. Three are in the early stages of their recovery, one is vigilantly working on completing this third day today (a week ago, I was thinking he was going to die...). The rest are somewhere in between.

It's only been in the last few months that I've started becoming a little more assertive with the newer guys: giving them writing and reading assignments, setting up secure blogsites where the two of us can communicate with each other and share our thoughts in a safe environment (only the two of us can access their recovery site). Part of that is because I am needing to be more efficient with my time, but also because I'm getting a better feel for what can be helpful to someone else when they are struggling with this disease or with related life issues.

So, how do I know when to stop raising my hand or to actually say "No" to a sponsorship request? So far, it's been simply a matter of do I have at least one hour of time every other week to meet with them. I go to so many meetings, that most often, I find a day/time that I would normally go to a meeting and I set that day/time aside for a particular sponsee. If they need more time, I see what I can do or I try to find someone else who might have more time to help this person.

My next fall back strategy is to begin to farm off these requests to one of my sponsees: I'll say that I can't sponsor them because of a lack of available time but that I will introduce them to some of my sponsees and see if any of them are a good fit for this deal.

So, for now, I think I'm going to keep raising my hand and making myself available. This sponsorship thing has been the most rewarding and transformative part of my recovery to date. I really don't see them as sponsees: I see them more as very close friends with whom I've structured some regular time together to talk about what's going on in our lives and our recovery.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Steps' Hidden Principles: An Addendum

Several weeks ago, I wrote a blog called "The Steps Hidden Principles" (http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com/2009/06/steps-hidden-principles.html) and I received an anonymous comment stating:

"Where as (sic) I think some of your thoughts are some what poetic with regards to a mystical "interpretation" to the term ..." practice these principals... (sic) " they are not accurate. Bill did not like to repeat himself by using the same word to describe something over and over again. He would substitute another word. If you read the steps carefully by the time you get to step twelve the "principals" (sic) are the twelve steps in their entirety. In other parts of the book the term is used differently. I do thank you for your spiritual insight and understanding."

What struck me most about the comment was that it spoke with some sort of authority: specifically when the author claimed that my interpretation of the Book was inaccurate. I have to admit, that got my adrenaline pumping. I immediately started fashioning an argument in rebuttal, but then I realized that I don't have any more authority than this anonymous person making the comment. I have reassessed my interpretation, carefully re-read the Steps as they are summarized in How It Works, and have decided to stick with my original interpretation.

While I am fully aware of Bill's various writing quirks, including the frequent use of a Thesaurus to find synonyms (e.g., "defects of character" and then "shortcomings"), it's my belief that in the case of his use of the words "steps" and "principles" this was not one of those instances. Unlike Defects and Shortcomings, Steps and Principles simply aren't synonyms. They don't mean the same thing. Steps are more time-based and linear (do this, then that...); Principles are more mystical and timeless (truths). (NOTE to "Anonymous": maybe that's why my writing on this issue seems so "mystical" and maybe even uncomfortable to you?)

As I see it, the steps outline a process of recovery from the disease of alcoholism. They seem to be capable of being done in time, one after another (or maybe not in order). In my personal experience, what happened as I went through each step in the process, I discovered various truths about life and others, but most importantly, truths about myself. It's these truths that I consider to be the principles hidden in these steps.

But as I noted elsewhere, when we share these steps with others, we share them as "reports of action taken rather than as commandments to be followed" (A Member's Eye View of AA). So if Anonymous and all of the other members of AA want to consider Steps = Principles, that's perfectly OK with me. I don't feel isolated at all because I'm not alone. I'm with others who have differing opinions than me.

I'm fond of saying that while the 10th Tradition asserts that AA has no opinion about outside issues, the truth of the matter is that in regards to inside issues, all the members have is opinions. There are no doctrines for which we would have to expel or excommunicate should someone disagree with such strongly held beliefs. There really is no authority in AA other than "whatever works for you." To test this theory: disagree with it. Aren't we both still full fledged members of AA? Is there really any belief that rises to the level that should someone disagree with it, they'd involuntarily outside of the fellowship of AA? I think not.

Take care!

Mike L.

Two 12 Step Calls: Two Ends of the Spectrum

In the last couple of days, I had the opportunity to help two suffering alcoholics: one who was trying to get sober and the other trying to die sober. When Bill writes in the 12x12 about the 12th Step, he states in the first paragraph that the "theme of the 12th step is the joy of living". And then in the last paragraph of that chapter, he states that "the joy of good living is theme of the 12th step." (emphasis added.) I have always been struck how most people, when asked to talk about the 12th step, normally talk about what they've done or are doing to carry the AA message to suffering alcoholics. Few seem to talk about this "joy of living" --- and I've never heard anyone talk about the "joy of good living". But after these two recent 12 step encounters, I want to talk about the joy of good living that I am experiencing. I'm not sure what color this cloud is, but it's wonder-full.

As I mentioned in a recent blog, I ran into a friend this last Saturday who's been coming to AA for about 4 1/2 years but not able to get more than 10 months continuous sobriety during that period of time. When he sat next to me at the meeting Saturday, he told me right away that he'd had another relapse and consistent with all his relapses in the last 4 1/2 years, he ended up in the Emergency Room. After that meeting, he and I kept running into each other at different places in town: the car wash and later at a oil change station. I was trying to be as helpful to him as I could, but wasn't never quite sure what the right words were to help him. He already had a sponsor (one that he's had for the last 4 1/2 years and one that is pretty well respected in the AA community) and I was hesitant to do or say anything that would get inbetween the two of them or to give him the impression that I was wanting to be his sponsor. It was quite perplexing for me because inside, my judgment was telling me that (1) his relationship with his current sponsor didn't appear to be working and (2) that I really did believe that I'd be a good and helpful sponsor for him. He trusted me from almost our first meeting about 4 years ago.

Anyway, I got a call from him Tuesday night and he told me that he was in trouble and needed help. He "confessed" that he'd been lying to me as to his current sobriety date and that he'd continued to drink since being released from the hospital about 10 days ago. But the immediate trouble he was worried about was that his wife was coming over to see him that evening and he had the uneasy feeling that she was bringing bad news. He asked me to come over and be there for support. He understood perfectly why she would and should give up on him --- but he wasn't sure he could survive the blow, with or without alcohol. He'd already asked his wife if she would mind my being there --- she welcomed my attendance as she'd heard about me from her husband over the last couple of years. She apparently didn't get along well with her husband's current sponsor and thought I might be helpful.

I don't want to go into the detail here, but suffice it to say I talked a lot, mostly to him but also to his wife --- he listened, she kept nodding her head in agreement. And then I saw a mental shift happen: there was a moment where the who tone and direction of the evening shifted away from him "trying to stop drinking...again" toward a willingness to "stop stopping" and then to trying "to stay sober". When that happened, I told him what I saw and he agreed. We made a plan for staying sober the rest of that evening and the following morning. Today he's well into his second day of sobriety.

The following day, I drove to Sacramento where I work and then went to a noon meeting. At the meeting, I realized that it was July and that an old timer that I'd come to know up there was soon going to be celebrating 45 years sober. Fred is a cantankerous old fart who got sober on July 5, 1964. I'd call him an ex-Marine only to see him go into attack mode. He'd moved to Sacramento about 4 years ago -- and he was mad as hell that his wife (10 years less sober than he) made him leave San Antonio so that she could be closer to her children. Hell, we didn't do AA right!

I quickly befriended him. This was shortly after Dr. Earle's death and somehow being helpful to this 91 year old man was therapeutic for me, I think even more therapeutic than it was for him. It was probably a toss up. We became close. He jokingly referred to me and another relative newcomer, Eric (note: Fred thought anyone with less than 20 years sobriety was a newcomer...) as his "sponsors" because we were always correcting him (my god, he could never get his number of years sober right! I was always having to correct him, No, Fred, you don't have 42 years yet....you have 41. That would piss him off and he'd reach in his pocket for his chip and shove it toward me arguing that he really was 42 years. But the chip was on my side. It became a running joke in the meetings and I slowly fell in love with him in a way similar to the way I'd fallen, albeit more instantaneous, in love with Earle.

About a year and a half ago, Fred's wife had to place Fred in a skilled nursing facility which specializes in patients with Alzheimer's....which was Fred had. That was why he was forgetting his sobriety date. I hadn't seen Fred since and felt tremendous guilt over that. I talked to Eric and we decided to make a road trip down to see Fred. We would take him a 45 year chip and hope that he remembered that he was still an alcoholic and, with some minimal hope that he would remember either of us.

Well, we walked into his room and he was sitting on his bed waiting to see who his visitors were... They had prepared him for us coming, but they didn't know anything about us other than we were friends of Fred. Well, he looked up at us standing at the door and his face lit up like a Christmas tree!! Oh my God, I thought you two were dead! Truth be told, at that point, I wasn't sure if he really recognized us or not: maybe we were Marine buddies of his for all I knew. But it became clear in moments that he did know who we were and that we'd lifted him out of some darkness and loneliness. We gave him his birthday card with the chip and he felt it and looked at us and said, what's inside the card? Condoms? I told him that there had been but they removed them at the security gate because they were embarrassingly too small.

When he saw the chip, he almost betrayed the Marine Corps and cried like a baby. And so did I. We reminisced for awhile. He mentioned his favorite prayers, The Lord's Prayer and the 23rd Psalm. I asked if he remembered the meeting where I told people about his love for the 23rd Psalm and that he and I then began reciting the 23rd Psalm together for the whole group. Well, he remembered and then he and I began reciting it again sitting there in his room on Thursday. So much for memory loss.

I've been walking around on a cloud, not sure what color and don't care, for the last couple of days. I think I've discovered the path to a life of Joy. A joyful path to a life of good living. It's being true to one's self and helping others. Especially other suffering alcoholics.

Take care!

Mike

Angels and the 12th Step

On Sunday morning, I went to my favorite Step meeting where we tackled the last half of the 12th step in the 12x12. Because that chapter is so long and covers so much, this group covers it in two meetings instead of one. The woman who shared her story afterward, I'll call her Dee, was asked to chair the meeting because she was celebrating her 4th year of sobriety and the secretary wanted Dee to share her story with her AA family. What struck me most about her chair was how Dee talked so poignantly about the shame she carried into these meetings over four years ago---when she drank into oblivion one night and then passed out between her two sleeping kids. That shame.

The next day, as Dee sat at her desk at school, another teacher who Dee knew to be a recovering alcoholic, appeared at the door and asked how Dee was doing. Dee looked up from her desk and saw this other teacher as an "angel" --- Dee told her she had a problem with drinking and asked for help. The angel helped her get to her first meeting and begin down a path of recovery. In the early days of AA these angels were called sponsors: the ones who helped us get in the doors of AA.

This story touched my heart deeply, but before I could talk, another friend of mine who has maybe 15 or so years sober, raised his hand because he too was touched deeply by this story.
He's not typically one to get emotional, but Sunday, he almost lost it before he got three words out of his mouth. It doesn't matter what he said--in fact, I can't remember what he said--all I remember though was that this woman's story touched him to his core. Just as it had me.

I really don't remember much from this meeting because my mind was reeling during most of the meeting---remembering back to a time when I was in my early 20s. I had finished my four years in the Navy and for a variety of reasons had decided to become a Catholic priest. Toward that end, I became a member of a religious order called the Jesuits. Before I actually entered the Jesuits though, I spent a summer at a Jesuit retreat house in Los Altos, California called El Retiro.

That summer, I spent reading and walking and meditating on what I was planning to do with my life. While I was there, I met several amazing Jesuit priests. One older priest was quite strange though: he was brilliant, had a photogenic memory (could not only quote lines from books he'd read years ago but could go grab the book from amongst this shelves and stacks of books and could go straight to the page where that quote was located), was a very popular spiritual director to what seemed to be hundreds of women (religious and lay) a fact which struck me as odd because this priest seemed, certainly at first glance, a rather gruff and angry man (but they flocked to him regardless), and last of all, he was a fanatic about watching Mission Impossible every week. He loved Mission Impossible because, as he said, all those technical gadgets used on that show "actually exist!" Anyway, I got close to this guy over the months.

Anyway, this recent Sunday after Dee's chair, I remembered back to one night when they were having some sort of anniversary celebration for the El Retiro retreat house and had invited a lot of their donors to share in the celebration with mass, drinks and dinner. One couple who attended was a former nun and former priest who had both left religious life, fallen in love and gotten married some years before. They came to the celebration that night with their young daughter who was maybe 2 years old and the only child at the event. I saw right away that the girl was out of place and bored, so I offered to babysit her during all the events that evening. And with the blessing of the old crotchety Jesuit Mission Impossible fanatic, the parents agreed to let me do this for them.

I then took the girl traipsing through the hills, showed her all my favorite paths, trees and views. Showed her the decomposing things that I'd come across on these acres and acres of woods. Kids like decomposing things. We played games and ended the evening watching some kids show on TV. She fell asleep on my lap as all the adults were in the next room having drinks, telling stories and laughing. Sometime later as the evening was coming to a close, the old Jesuit came over to me and leaned down to me and whispered in my ear: "You know Mike, not many people know this, but shortly before Ignatius (founder of the Jesuits back in the 16th century) died, he told a confidant/friend that the way you could tell if someone was going to make a great Jesuit was that they would have all the qualities that would make them a great father or parent. Mike.... You're going to make a truly great Jesuit!" I remember being really touched by this comment. This guy wasn't known (to me) as being a kind, supportive or encouraging kind of person. But he was then. And I really wanted to be great at something!

But it wasn't until this recent Sunday morning that I realized that one of my life long dreams and desires has always been to be a good father. In fact, I eventually left the Jesuits because after four years of that way of life, I realized that I had never even considered marriage as an option for me. I'd never ever seen one work. All of the marriages I had seen, including my own parents, had ended in divorce, most of them bitter. I ultimately left the Jesuits because I needed to find out if marriage was an option I wanted to consider and within a very short time, I met a woman who would later become my wife....just recently for 28 years. With her, I became father to three wonderful and different children.

And while I always tried to be a good father, the drinking became more and more of an obsession for me. Parenting and adulthood were stress-filled activities and I never ever felt up to the challenge without the assistance of something outside of myself. Alcohol ultimately became my primary, if not only, solution. The disease seemed to grow very very gradually in me. Over the first 20 years of our marriage, I think I probably had maybe 6 or 7 "incidents" where my drinking crossed a line and was out of control. Each incident ended with me waking up, not remembering what I'd done or said (my wife would, unfortunately, have no problem remembering...or sharing) and feeling tremendously remorse and shame over what I'd done. I'd swear never to do that again. And I wouldn't. Well, I would never do "exactly" that again....but I would eventually always do something quite similar to it sometime in the future. And the something similar always had something to do with alcohol.

Like the woman who told her story on Sunday, I hit my bottom with tremendous shame and guilt over the fact, or rather, the perception that I'd ended up being the most horrible and despicable father ever in the history of the world. The shame was most intense when my 15 year old son reached his bottom and began trying to get clean: the shame came from the fact that while I asked to stop drinking, both to provide him a safe place to live and to show him that his father could deal with life without chemical assistance, I simply couldn't.

There was simply no way that with all the stress in my life (most of it related to my son!) that I could go any number of days without alcohol to relieve the stress and get me through the day. And I didn't. For the next 10 months I drank in secret, without getting caught. Most often, I drank in bars after dropping my son off at his AA or NA meetings. In the short period of time I would have while Pat was in his meeting, I would rarely have time to get really drunk. But I would have time to have two large very dry gin martinis: and that would at least "tide me over". It was only those few times where I would say "Yes!" to the hostess' offer of a third drink that I would feel drunk, where I knew I shouldn't be driving and that I should avoid all close contact with my wife so that she wouldn't smell the gin.

Yes. I connected with this Dee's sense of shame. And when she talked about her "angel" I knew who my angel was: it was my son Pat. Pat was my angel not because he approached me about my drinking problem, but because he was getting clean and sober. He wasn't trying to judge me. The last night I drank, Pat did smell something on my breath (it was actually oozing out of my skin!) and asked me if I had been drinking. I so wanted to tell him the truth. I'd seen how compassionate he'd been with others who had relapsed and how forgiving he had been of himself for his own relapses (for the first five months, he couldn't stay clean for more than 5-10 days! I'd try to be encouraging and tell him that "relapse is sometimes part of this process Pat..." but he would smile and say, "Dad, I haven't really "lapsed" yet, so these aren't relapses!").

But I couldn't tell him the truth because if I did, well, then I would have to stop drinking! And I simply could not stop drinking! That was my hell! I couldn't stop! So I lied. Pat accepted that lie without judgment or recrimination or attack. He said, "Oh, I smelled something like alcohol and I had to ask. Someone must have spilled something on the ground around here."

So, this Sunday morning I was blessed with one of those miracles --- where our lives flash before our eyes and everything all falls into place and makes perfect sense. All I ever really wanted to be was a good father. And I was. And I am. All because of my angel of a son. I'm looking forward to May this year because he will, "him willing", celebrate 8 years clean time. A month later in June, he'll turn 24 years old. And, me willing (and with pure grace/gift), will hopefully celebrate my 8 years of sobriety in October.

How does all this apply to the 12th step? Contrary to what most people seem to believe, for me, the 12th step is not primarily about sponsoring people or getting other people sober even. And if you read the 12x12 carefully, I think that Bill would agree with me. The very first sentence in the chapter about the 12th step, talks about the "joy of living" being the theme of the 12th step. And then at the very end of the same chapter, Bill ends with a statement that "the joy of good living" is the theme of the 12th step. The "joy" Bill is talking about is not some legalistically conforming way of life. It's life to the fullest. It's honest, true, fragile, emotional, uncomfortable, painful, scary. It's in our face. Right here, right now! This is the joy that Dee saw in this other teacher, a recovering alcoholic, and it was the fact that that joy was evident in a person practicing recovery that allowed one young woman to reach out and ask for help. In effect, she was saying I can't continue doing what I'm doing and I see that you know what that's like and have found a way out. Help me!

And that's the joy I started to see in my son, my angel, as he began his own journey of recovery. And that's what let me reach out to him and ask for help. Without him, I wouldn't have come in these rooms as early as I did, if at all. And since then, others have come to me as their "angel" and I have done what Pat did with me: I've helped them into the safe rooms of AA and got them started on their own journeys of recovery. I think that's all 12th step work.

And this is how I got addicted to AA meetings.

Take care!

Mike L.

Interrupted by Life

Recently, I've felt more and more pulled in all different directions. What's weird is that I'm relatively calm with this awareness. I've got a six different project schedules running at work and seem to walk into the office day these days "triple booked" most of the day. My wife's developing a long and ever expanding "to do" list of things I need to accomplish before our daughter's wedding in September. I'm continuing my regular meeting routine pretty much, although my average numbers of meeting per week is probably slipping below ten a week now. I meet regularly with my sponsees and feel relatively good at my ability to listen to them and do my best to offer a helpful story or word.

I have been cutting back on some activities just by necessity and one of those is blogging. I've done this now for almost 8 months and have really enjoyed it. It's added a great deal to my recovery and over this time, I've actually connected up with several "anonymous" folks along the way that I would not have touched were it not for my decision to try this blogging out. But it's been hard to find a few moments, like this one now, where I can sit down without much interruption and write.

My interruptions though are my life. Blogging, somewhat like my meetings, involves stepping back for a brief moment to reflect on that life and find a moment of replenishment. In addition, blogging and meetings are both places where I most frequently encounter other suffering alcoholics with whom I can share what I've found and can find what I'm most looking for...

That's it for now. Back to life.

Mike L.

Ever Get Stuck in a Step?

I heard someone once share that their sponsor told them that if they ever found themselves stuck in a step (which oftentimes happens with the 4th and 8/9th steps...), that while the steps were meant to be worked in order, that she should always know that she was free to work any step that contained a "1" in it, even if it wasn't "in order".

She also noted that Step 11 has two "1s" in it and that means that this particular step could be doubly worked at any time no matter where someone was in terms of working the 12 steps!

I've always found this helpful to me. I know that I personally did not work the steps in order. I did begin at Step 1, in fact, I think I began that steps a full 10 months before I walked into my first meeting of AA: it began the moment I realized that I truly couldn't stop drinking! And I continued that step as I walked into these rooms and probably focused primarily on that one step for at least the first full year of sobriety.

But I didn't really go next to Step 2, I jumped ahead to Step 9 and started trying my best to repair some of the damage I'd inflicted on my wife of 20 years as a result of my drinking and all my fruitless attempts to "control and enjoy" my drinking. That attempt, well-meaning as it was, probably caused more damage than healing....but I stumbled through it and eventually realized what I was doing (as a result of some great guidance from my sponsor...after the fact as is common for me!) was not appropriate or helpful. I then returned to Steps 2 and 3 and so on....

It took me about 3 1/2 years to completely work through the Steps, I was really in no rush as the obsession to drink had left me two days before coming into AA and the slower and gentler way was working for me. I did develop a routine "maintenance program" (Steps 10, 11 and 12) from very early in my sobriety --- I began to deal with current day harms and making amends as needed (Step 10); developing a daily series of meditation/prayer exercises (Step 11) that I could do while commuting to work and doing whatever I could to help another alcoholic (Step 12) and share whatever amount of the message that I could carry at that point in time. I've kept that daily maintenance program, which includes many meetings each week and blogging here as often as I can. My life is full and I rarely feel "stuck" anymore.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Twelves Steps of AA: A Circular Not Linear Process

Early on in my recovery, I heard quite a few people motivate themselves and others in terms of working the steps by means of the following "carrot": if you work the steps (in order, of course) you will have a spiritual awakening, and thereby, be able to stay sober. That always sort of bothered me because my experience was that I had such a life changing and obsession obliterating spiritual awakening two days before my first AA meeting and as a result of that experience, my obsession to drink vanished and has yet to return in over six years.

I even remember one meeting where an oldtimer told the group that the only way to have this spiritual awakening was by working all twelve of the steps! Luckily, another oldtimer chimed in and offered a dissenting view: that the 12th step says: After having had "a" spiritual awakening as the result of these steps... It didn't say: "Only after having worked these steps did we have a spiritual awakening... " AA is not in charge of doling out "spiritual awakenings" and such awakenings are not the sole possession of recovering alcoholics or AA.

That said, I do believe that my own spiritual awakening happened on the morning of October 20, 2001 and I also believe that that spiritual awakening was a direct result of the working of the 12 steps of AA. But it wasn't me who worked the 12 steps that led to my awakening, it was my 15 year old son and two other young people who began getting clean and sober earlier that year in 2001. My son Pat began his recovery at 15 years old in January 2001, roughly speaking, when he began a drug treatment program at Kaiser. When he began his recovery, it was the first time in my life when I couldn't stop drinking. Until then, I could stop and I proved I wasn't an alcoholic many many times by demonstrating to myself and others, if necessary, that I could stop anytime I wanted to. I did that stopping many many many times. The stopping would always end up with a "starting" though --- whenever I got to the point that I (and hopefully others) was convinced that I had actually stopped.

Well, when Pat started his recovery, I couldn't stop drinking. Sure, I could manage it somewhat and keep it hidden (it was horrible!!!), but I couldn't stop. For about ten months, I think I drank some alcohol almost every day "in secret". Usually while Pat was safely in his 12 step meetings.

Although it took him some months to actually "lapse" in his using/drinking, it will soon be seven years since his last use of a mind-altering drug. His awakening or moment of clarity happened May 10, 2001. In June, he'll turned 22 years old.

My guess is that Pat's waking up was the direct result of someone else becoming transformed via the 12 steps and this program of recovery. I know without question, that my awakening on the morning of October 20, 2001 was a direct result of Pat and two other kids getting clean and sober and working this process to the best of their ability, one day at a time.

In this way then, I see the 12 steps as being a circular process beginning at Step 1 and working around a circle "clockwise" until we get to 12: when we do that, somehow the miracle of AA spreads to another and allows them to begin their own personal journey of recovery at Step 1, and so on and so on. The process is certainly not linear, not something that we go through and complete---no such thing as a AA graduation or "certificate of completion". It's a ongoing, ever evolving process.

While the disease of alcoholism/addiction may be genetic in nature, I've become absolutely convinced that recovery is wildly contagious and impacts all others around us, whether we know it or not.

Take care!

Mike

How Do I Best Help Another Recover?

Recently, at several of the meetings I regularly attend, I've noticed a lot of people criticizing how others are conducting themselves in meetings. Some times, these criticisms are being made in the context of a group inventory. Other times, it's at the meeting before or after the meeting. A few times in not so quiet whispers during the meeting.

I've listened as well as I can to all these criticisms and it seems that underneath most of these comments is the deep desire to help others get and/or stay sober. Or a fear that someone will leave the room and get drunk.

It's serious business I agree. But I'm wondering much if sometimes we don't overdo the effort to help another person "get it". It seems to me, that it's helpful to see the disease of alcoholism itself as our greatest friend in the noble effort of helping alcoholics recover from this disease and we should, with all due respect, let the disease itself do the bulk of the heavy lifting in terms of getting someone who suffers from this disease into the recovery process. I suppose this is something I picked up in Alanon.

I remember back to when my son was getting sober and sitting back quite amazed at his courage and persistence in trying to get clean at such a young age (14-15 years old). Of course, it was mostly amazing to me because he was owning up to a problem that I as a 48 year old "man" was absolutely incapable of doing in terms of my own fairly secret battle with alcohol.

I remember that I initially took some comfort in that he actually needed to stop drinking and using: he was, after all, a minor and what he was doing was illegal. Not only that, he was doing it so badly! Not only was he unable to hide his diseased behavior from others, "like I could!" he was unable to lie about stuff that came so easily to me. I mean he could lie, he just couldn't do it as well as me. I was a little embarrassed that he was doing the lying thing so poorly. Was he really not my son?

Anyway, looking back now, I see that his recovery was motivated from within him and had little to do with all the things my wife and I did to try and support him in his efforts. Oh, we did try to help him! And I don't regret any of our efforts to help him---but ultimately, it seemed that what really worked with him was the pain and utter dispair that he felt in his life. The consequences. What worked also was the hope that he started to receive from others afflicted with the same disease of addiction. Pain and hope. That saved him.

And it saved me because about five months after things "clicked" for him, I reached my own moment of utter darkness and dispair.... And it dawned on my that things weren't quite as hopeless as I imagined: there was a solution. I could do what my son did.... Admit what was going on to others who suffered from the same affliction. Reach out for help. Stop trying to stop drinking and start trying to stay sober. Once that light went on for me, the rest of the process has actually been quite easy and simple. Sorta.

Someone once told me that she got sober at the corner of Grace and Willingness. I loved that line. She'd stolen it from her sponsor. But while I loved it, it wasn't where I got sober. I got sober about a half block down from there, at the corner of Grace and Hopelessness. From there, I saw hope and realized that while I couldn't stop drinking, I could stay sober. For one day. Today. I'm sober today I think because I've not forgotten that truth.

I personally don't think there are magical words that can be said in or outside of AA meetings that will get someone sober. That isn't to say that we take what we do and say within or without meetings "lightly" or "cavalierly" --- this is a deadly disease and a serious business.

But it's been helpful to me to take some comfort that there seems to be a basic desire within most folks to be happy and to have a meaningful life. Pain is one of our most effective teachers. Ultimately, what was most effective for me in terms of getting sober was seeing that sobriety (what I then simply thought of only as "not drinking") was possible. The impossible was possible.
That's not what I consider "magic." Nope. It's a miracle. Magic is when something that is actually impossible appears to happen. Miracle is when something that appears impossible actually happens. Huge difference. And by the way, I made those definitions up myself so use 'em if you like, but don't blame Webster if you don't.

Take care!

Mike L.

AA Recovery: A form of brain washing...

I've been sober just over six years now and recently I've been thinking that the process of my recovery over the last six years has involved a form of brain washing. Not in the usual sense of having my brain manipulated by some evil force, but in the sense of spiritual/intellectual cleansing. How did that happen? Well, I think that's ultimately going to be the purpose of this new blog site that I just created today....as a proactive pre-New Year's resolution.

Recently, I was at an AA meeting in Danville, CA and we were discussing the 12th step... After sitting down in the meeting, it was one I'd never been to before, I saw this older Scottish man sitting across from me. I remembered him from one of my first AA meetings back in late 2001. I'd been going to one Friday night meeting for several weeks and at this meeting, they always started off with everyone saying the AA Preamble (Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women....) together. Before these meetings, someone placed little cards on the seats with the Preamble printed on them (along with the 12 steps, 12 traditions and the Serenity Prayer..). Anyway, one night I noticed this older gentleman with a beautiful Scottish accent and who never used one of the cards: he recited the Preamble from memory. It struck me that this reading must mean something very special to him.

He never knew that I noticed. But I did. In fact, I stole one of those cards and it ended up changing my who life and my recovery. What I did was place that card in my car and as I drove to work each day (I commuted from Concord, CA to Sacramento, CA every day...65 miles each way) I began memorizing each of the writings on that card: the preamble, the steps, the traditions, the serenity prayer. I didn't know I was going to do all of them. But I did...and much much more.

It began by memorizing the Preamble: I just started reciting a line or phrase from the beginning and repeated it again and again until I knew it. Then I would add a little more...repeat it again and again. Eventually, I'd know the whole Preamble by memory. Over days and weeks, I came to know the Preamble by heart.

At this meeting last week, I remembered back to what I learned from this man... During the meeting he shared that in terms of 12th step work, he'd often found that some of his best work was done without his knowledge. He just focused on living his life the best he could, helped others when he could and left the results to something other than him.

I walked up to him after the meeting and let him know that he'd helped me six years ago....and that the habit of memorizing things like the Preamble had started me down a path of meditation which involved memorizing many different things over the last six years...reciting them to myself while driving to/from Sacramento and being brainwashed without even knowing it.

He smiled and thanked me for sharing that story. I love AA most of all for the stories.

Mike L.