The AA Kit of Spiritual Tools: Hey, It's Empty!!

In one of my favorite meetings the other night, one of my friends mentioned that even with double digit sobriety, he's finding himself struggling through a end-of-relationship issue that simply not going away even though he's using all of the tools he's acquired over the years in sobriety and a very active strong AA program.

He's exercising and eating well (remembering the H.A.L.T. trick...). He's meeting with his sponsor and still actively sponsoring other recovering alcoholics. He's got a service commitment. He's worked the steps, multiple times. He goes to quite a few meetings every week and participates in those meetings, both in terms of sharing what's going on in his life (at least in general, meeting-level terms) and trying to be helpful to others in the meetings, especially the newcomer. He's journaling and meditating on a regular basis.

As he was sharing, I remembered another member once passing on a story that he heard from someone else, which essentially said that when we begin our recovery process, we're all given a toolkit for spiritual tools and as we progress, we'll pickup more and more tools which can be used and/or saved for future use. The tale went that every one of us will eventually reach a point in our sobriety where something "bad" happens and we look into our AA toolkit looking for a tool and are terrified to discover that there are no tools in the kit! When that happens, according to this AA folktale, don't panic because in every AA certified toolkit is a special note taped to the bottom of the kit and it reads, "You need more tools!". Before I could share this with the group, my friend already discovered what he needed to do: start looking for more tools. He's good at reading my mind.

The tools can certainly include the principles we acquire through working the steps, but they can also be sayings or slogans (i.e., One Day at a Time, Take it Easy, etc.). H.A.L.T. can be a very useful assessment tool when feeling off the beam: Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely and/or Tired? If so, take care of those deficiencies and you'll be less "thirsty" for that first drink. Sometimes, I hear great lines in meetings and they get filed away as tools which I can either use or share with others. For instance, one old guy around here sometimes says, "Live life one whelm at a time! If you try to juggle too many whelms, you'll get overwhelmed!".

Other woman told me her favorite line was one that she stole from her sponsor and it was "I got sober at the corner of Grace and Willingness!" I love that line. I remember when I heard her share it at a meeting, that while I loved it, it wasn't where I got sober. I knew my sobriety was a gift, so I certainly did get sober somewhere on Grace Street, but it was certainly not on the corner of Grace and Willingness. "Where was it?" began percolate in my brain.

After a couple of weeks, I saw her again and I ran up to her and reminded her about her favorite line and how much I like it----but that I'd been struggling over the last couple of weeks to discover "where" I got sober and I finally figured it out. It was at the corner of Grace and Hopelessness! About a half block down from Grace and Willingness. For me, the gift of sobriety came to me the morning I woke up and accepted the hopelessness and futility of trying to be someone other than who I was. And I was, for better or worse, an alcoholic. And instead of fighting that, I needed to go with the flow and start doing what my son was doing.... And there, yessireee, was Willingness. Yet another spiritual tool.

Take care!

Mike

The Gift That Never Stops Being Given

When I got sober my 15yr old son, just 5 months sober himself, gave me a 24 hour chip that meant everything to me. It was metal, not cheap plastic like most other early recovery chips. It had the Serenity Prayer on one side and an engraving of a butterfly on the other. I carried it in my pocket whereever I went, next to my current month chip. A few nights ago, something happened in an AA meeting where this gift of the 24 hour chip came back into my life.

Before telling that story, I need to say that my son has always been supportive of me and my recovery. He expressed no anger at the fact that I'd been hiding my drinking during the first 10 months of his recovery, oftentimes my drinking was done between the time I dropped him off at his NA/CA/AA/MA meetings and picking him up afterwards. In fact, his first reaction when I came clean with him about my problem was, "Gee, Dad! This is great! We're both addicts!!" I remember shaking my head with a slight smile and replying that, "Well, Pat, I'm not all that pleased to be an addict with you, but I am extremely happy to be in recovery with you." I never got to be in recovery with my dad (who'd died from alcoholism some years before this...), but I was overjoyed to be able to do this with my son.

So this 24 hour chip meant a lot to me. Some months later, before having a year sober, I'd been watching a young woman come in and out of the rooms, really struggling with staying sober. But I was always struck by her persistence and courage. She'd always come back, raise her hand and disclose that she was once again in her first 30 days. She'd make progress and then disappear. And then come back. One night, she came into one of the meetings which held birthday celebrations on the last Tuesday of the month and raised her hand again as being in the first 30 days...

And because it was birthday night, when they called out asking if anyone wanted to pickup a 24 hour chip, she raised her hand and went up to receive her chip. But the box contained no 24 hour chips and the secretary was embarrassed to say that there was no 24 hour chip in the chip box. I then realized that I needed to give my 24 hour chip to this woman and I stood up to do so... As I handed it to her, I told her my son gave this chip to me and it meant everything in the world to give it to her this night. My only hope was that one day she'd get to experience some taste of the joy I felt right now by getting to a point in time where she could give it to someone else who needed it.

Over the years since, I've seen this woman stay sober for longer periods of time, but then disappear again. I hadn't seen her for quite awhile until last Friday night when just as the meeting was beginning she walked into the room. When they asked for newcomers to raise their hands, I noticed that she did not raise her hand with the others.... I smiled inside thinking that she'd "gotten it."

The topic of the meeting turned out to be "what do you do to help the newcomer"? I told some of my favorite newcomer stories which attempted to explain my basic approach which is one of trying to be kind and gentle with those who crawl into these rooms. And then I told the story of my son giving me his 24 hour chip and then my subsequent giving of the same 24 hour chip to a young woman who was struggling with staying sober....and that tonight that gift came walking into this very room sober. To date, there'd been no greater gift received than to see her walk into a meeting of Alcoholic's Anonymous.

After the meeting, she walked up to me smiling and she said that when she'd heard me start talking, she recognized the voice but couldn't see me. Then when I started talking about the 24 hour chip, she started to realize that I was talking about her. Her face began to blush red and she was afraid that people would realize that she was the woman I was talking about. She was ashamed because when she walked into the meeting, she'd been unable to raise her hand yet one more time because she was once again in her first 30 days of sobriety. She'd felt so ashamed and beaten down by the fact that she just couldn't stop drinking.... She felt like she didn't belong here.
When she shared that with me after the meeting, I hugged her and welcomed her back. I told her that for some months just preceeding my getting sober, I felt that I too was different from those who were, like my son, going into the rooms and getting better: I felt that I couldn't stop drinking and that until I did, I couldn't dare go in. Even when I did get sober and was in the rooms for some months, I continued to see others in the rooms as one of two types: people who couldn't stop drinking and people could...until one day.

One day I was looking around the room and it finally dawned on me that the one thing that I had in common with everyone in that room was NOT that we were all people who could stop drinking, but rather, that the one thing I held in common with everyone was that NONE OF US COULD STOP DRINKING! In fact, none of us CAN stop drinking. "Stopping" seems to imply power over alcohol and that seemed to be contrary to what I learned in the First Step. So, at least as far as I'm concerned, that inability to stop drinking is still true for me and always will be true. I can't stop drinking. Even today. But my saving grace has been that what I can do is stay sober, today. Just for today.

I told her that her walking into the room that night made my whole week, month, year! It simply didn't matter to me how many days or hours sober she had when she walked in. It meant everything to me that she walked in. I didn't care if she raised her hand. I was just glad that she came back. As she was walking away, she said that she was going home to try and find that 24 hour chip so that she could give it back to me---she said that she never realized how much it meant to me, being from my son and all. I yelled back, "Absolutely not! That chip is yours!"

And that chip is hers, until the wonderful day when she'll be able to give it away to someone who fighting the same battle that she fought....and lost. On that day, I hope she will be blessed to be able to give away a gift that never stops being given....

Mike L.