Wondering "What If?"

Sorry that I haven't been blogging much recently, but I've been involved in a lot of work-related issues related to the economy and I've had to focus on those issues. Like many businesses these days, we've been struggling and last week we had to institute a layoff of about 10% of our non-attorney staff. Among those laid off was someone in my department and I was in the uncomfortable position of having to decide which one of my staff would be laid off. I really don't want to go into that here, but I did walk through that process focused on trying to be as compassionate and kind as I could, while at the same time trying to be loyal as an employee to a company that very well might fail if those in responsibility for managing its affairs do not do what's good for the whole firm.

Even before that process was over though, I began to play with the initially fearful idea: what would happen to me and my family if I was the one being laid off? While some might think paying attention to such "what if?" scenarios, I've found it helpful to give such fearful ideas a little room to play and to be played with. Not all that long ago, when I was drinking, I typically ran from such fears by anesthetizing myself with alcohol. Recovery has been teaching me new ways to deal with such normal albeit fearful life events.

This game playing involves brainstorming a list of things that I could do were I to lose my job, either through a layoff (unlikely but possible in my circumstance) or through a failure of our business (more possible in today's world). Over several days, the list grew to about five:

1. Become a truck driver
2. Go back to teaching high school religion
3. Go back to studying for the priesthood and become a priest
4. Become an author
5. Find a job similar to what I have now, except with another law firm

In brainstorming, you don't get bogged down with analyzing or criticizing or eliminating any ideas that float to the surface. They come up, you write them down. Once I had my initial list, I decided to let my wife in on the process: again, something that does not come natural to me. She's very strong and opinionated: just they way she should be! I decided to let her in on this because I knew that there was a certain part of me that was beginning to stress over the fears associated with losing my job and that this fear was going to come into our relationship, for good or bad, whether I liked it or not.

So, last week, I decided one night to tell my wife that I was actually feeling some fear about the security of my own job and how well we might survive were I to lose my job. Actually, I didn't "decide" to do that. One night, she asked me to start talking to her about anything... I don't seem to talk much and our life together had been seeming to fall into a too comfortable for me routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, walking the dog, reading in bed, rubbing her foot, and going to sleep (some details withheld). I told her that I really didn't have anything to say, at least, nothing to say that wasn't stressful. She said to tell her anyway. I did. I said that I was worried about losing my job and how we would be able to handle it. She responded immediately that that thought was very depressing! I told you she was strong and opinionated!

We laughed and then talked this through somewhat. Before falling off to sleep, I began making my "what if?" list of things that I could do if I lost my job. First thing that came to me was becoming a truck driver. I'm driving all the time it seems anyway (my commute to/from work is a little over two hours). I'm always seeing "We Need Drivers!" signs pasted on the back of semi-trucks. Not sure what it pays, but it would be something that would bring in some income. In addition, the more I thought about it, the more attractive this job seemed to me: I would get to travel to different places, go to different AA meetings, meet new people, have time to blog, and this would get me and my wife out of this rut that we're in.

That night I had a dream where I was applying for my old teaching job and I woke up with a start. Hey, I could go back to teaching! The initial problem though with this idea is that most often these days I consider myself to be an ex-Catholic, a non-Christian...on my good days. I'm sometimes an agnostic (where I wonder if God exists), sometimes a theist (although I'm never too clear on the God of my own understanding and more clear on the God of my misunderstanding). Suppose that might be an obstacle, but I decided that I could be honest about this with folks and let them in on the freedom that I've found and how I could really help these students walk through all the normal questions they have about God and what the do or don't believe. That's really all I did when I taught in Catholic high schools back in the early '80s. I helped them with their wonderings. I challenged their comfortable beliefs that they felt they "had" to believe to satisfy the expectations of their parents and others.

The next day, I thought of the weird possibility of my returning to the Jesuits and becoming a priest. Sure, there are a couple of hurdles with this. But I decided to play with this a little. This option could be just a "worst case" option for me if nothing else panned out. I didn't spend much time with this idea at all, but it was a fun one to share with my wife when I eventually shared my list with her... When I told her the idea of becoming a priest, she laughed and said that I couldn't do that because I was married. I laughed back and said that while we would have to get a divorce, apparently my being a priest would not prevent us from continuing to have great and frequent sex! She got a nice laugh out of that one.

Another idea also came to me about becoming an author, writing a book. That dream of becoming an author has been with me for some time and was actually the genesis of this blog. Blogging was a simple attempt to "do something" along the lines of writing an actual book. When I began playing with this idea, I came up with some general ideas about a book that I would like to write: it would be on the use of memorization in the recovery process. I have come across several other AAs who've used memorization to enhance their recovery: Chuck C. (Chamberlain) used to memorize things from the Big Book and elsewhere. Dr. Earle did also. I actually got the idea for using memorization from watching a man in a meeting recite the AA Preamble from memory while everyone else read it together from a little card at the beginning of that meeting. I was struck that this AA Preamble must really mean something to him if he went to the trouble of memorizing it. So I stole one of those cards and began what has become an essential and daily part of my recovery program. Over the last seven years, I've memorized a ton of stuff from various AA and non-AA literature. If I were to recite all of these things one right after another, it would take me close to three hours.

When I shared the idea of writing a book with my wife, she innocently asked, what would you write about? I initially told her that I didn't want to talk to her about that because she might be critical of what I was planning and I was too sensitive to take criticism about this area of my life right now. This hurt her because I was choosing to keep something from her. After some painful moments between us, I did decide to tell her that the book would be about "recovery" and that sort of hit her in a soft painful spot in our relationship. She's someone jealous of my "recovery life" because she doesn't feel part of it. We're still not really done talking this one through, but it was important for me to let her in on this dream of mine even if it's difficult.

Now that I'm done with my "what if?" playing, I've noticed that I'm no longer anxious about the future in terms of my job or what might happen with it. In fact, I'm realizing that I don't need to sit passively by and wait for life to happen to me. I can get off my ass and take steps to make it happen. Talking about my book here was a first step in that process. I will not commit to begin drafting titles for this book (a Title is the most important part of writing for me....) and to making an outline of chapters and to drafting a preface which tells my story and how memorization has become a most important part of my recovery.

Take care!

Mike L.

Walking Through An Anxiety Attack

Two weeks ago, my eldest daughter got married to a young man who in addition to being a really great guy, has the added distinction of being 9 years clean and sober. Nice having two sons who both have more sobriety than I do: a son who's over 7 and 1/2 years sober and now a son-in-law with 9 years. Anyway, it was an absolutely great day. Got to dance the second dance with my daughter and I didn't embarrass her or myself in the process. Toward the end of the dance, my wife and son came dancing up next to us and my wife asked me if we could switch places... I agreed and then let her dance with my daughter and I danced with my son Pat. It was great.

What does all that have to do with my having an anxiety a little over a week after the wedding? I really can't ever remember having an anxiety attack before in my life. I'd heard my wife talk about her experiences of having anxiety attacks at various times in her life, but I never could understand why they were such a big deal to her and why she didn't just "snap out of them". But last Tuesday, I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I woke up with the realization that I'd neglected to do one of the several hundred "mission critical" tasks that I was responsible for implementing before our office move later this month. Somehow, this particular task had fallen off my radar and I woke up panicked at the fact that I hadn't done what I was supposed to do.

What was weird is that I got up and went into the living room and sent off a couple of emails to members of my staff letting them know that we would need to move forward with this neglected task first thing in the morning. That was all I needed to do and the task was going to get done. But the anxiety didn't go away. It lasted for about 12 hours... I was aware of it remaining with me all during that time. But I didn't stay stuck in that anxiety. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours and then went to an early morning meeting before going to work. I was anxious during the entire meeting. Talked to a few friends before and after the meeting, but the anxiety remained. Went to work and did what I needed to do, but the anxiety was still there. It was gradually lessening in intensity, but it was there.

I went to a noon meeting and the guy who chaired the meeting talked about how when he was 10 years sober, he'd stupidly prayed to God saying that he was finding life way too boring and asked God to give him something interesting to deal with. Within a month or two, he was diagnosed with cancer. I knew this guy when he walked through his cancer treatments and recalled how I admired his courage and perseverance during that difficult period of his life. As he recounted his story on Wednesday, I thought how silly it was for me to be so filled with anxiety about a stupid office move when this guy walked through and continues to walk through a recovery from a second deadly disease. When called on that day, I didn't have much time to share, but I did let the group know that I was really struggling with an anxiety attack from hell that day and that today's chair gave me the knowledge that what I needed to do was simply walk through this anxiety and that it would eventually pass. And it did, slowly.

Then two days later, I went to an early morning meeting and the chair that day talked about her father who was also an alcoholic who died having stopped drinking for some years, but without ever having discovered a sober way of living. As she talked, it dawned on me why I had the anxiety attack and it turns out that it had nothing to do with my job. It had to do with my dad...

A few days after my daughter's marriage, I was looking through hundreds of pictures taken during and around the wedding. Each time I came to a picture of me, I was struck by the fact that I looked like my father who'd died around 15 years ago from his alcoholism. Some pictures were of me from the back and all you could see was my back and my gray hair: it could have been my dad. One picture was of me and my hands: they were his hands! The face with glasses: his face, his eyes, his glasses! And each time I saw my dad in me, there was a palpable sadness, regret, shame and/or anger. Why wasn't he there for this celebration! Why didn't he stop drinking when I asked him to?

That was the source of my anxiety attack. Or was it?

At a subsequent meeting, I was recounting this journey through anxiety and how I'd seen my dad in the pictures of me....when it dawned on me that I wasn't really angry or ashamed at my dad: I was sad over the fact that I'd never fully forgiven my dad for being the alcoholic that he was. And even more, I was sad over the fact that I'd never fully forgiven myself for being the alcoholic that I was, that I am. That I'd hadn't been able to stop either when my son's therapist asked me to stop in order to be supportive of my son's attempt to deal with his drug addiction. That I'd drank secretly for almost ten months as he struggled mightily with his disease.

I'm grateful for all of this today. I continue to revel in the joy surrounding my daughter's wedding. I'm sitting here at work on a Sunday afternoon finishing up several more of those "mission critical" tasks needing to get done before our office move. I feel closer and more connected to my father, proud of him for all that he was able to do in his life, including loving me in a way that made me always know in my innermost being that I was indeed loved and lovable. Thankful for him being who he was because ultimately, that led to me being who I am, a sober alcoholic, an a father of one, now two sober sons in recovery.

What's wrong with this picture? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Take care!

Mike L.