How to Stop Drinking...

Even though it's March (a time when I'd normally spend more time thinking and writing about the 3rd step....), I've found myself going back to the 2nd and even the 1st step this last week or two. I think it's because I have a god son who I believe is struggling with this dis-ease of alcoholism. And I'm trying to figure out what I can do to help him find a solution to that problem. His father, a close friend of mine, just recently suspected that his 25 year old son is an alcoholic and is somewhat ashamed that he hasn't seen all of the signs of that addiction over the last five or so years. How could he not have seen it?

So anyway, he went to his son and suggested that he might be an alcoholic and that maybe he should try going to an AA meeting. Although the son seemed to be in agreement that he had a problem with drinking, he was just not going to go to "one of those fucking AA meetings!" The father called me and asked if I would a "huge favor" and talk to his son. He said that John was open to talking to me after learning that I was a recovering alcoholic and that my son is a recovering addict with more time clean that I have. John was open to talking to me... I've called him and left a voicemail but haven't heard back from him yet (it's been 2-3 days now since I called and left the message). Sent him a text message this morning. Still no reply. I've now sent some recommendations to his parents regarding Alanon so that they start getting some help themselves. I might take my own recommendation and attend some Alanon meetings myself!

Now, someone reading this blog might be wondering, Why did you call this post "How to Stop Drinking" when you really haven't talked about that at all? Well, there's a reason to my madness.

Since I haven't heard back from John yet, I thought to myself, "what's probably going through his mind and where might he search for an answer (if not from Mike L.)?" Well, methinks "Google"!

John might try one last ditch effort to avoid both AA and Mike L. by searching Google for a easier and more palatable solution to his problem. Assuming he has some inkling that the problem might be his inability to stop drinking, I thought he might do a Google search for "How to Stop Drinking". Such a search might now take him to this post. If so, "Hi John!" If you are not John, but are searching for the secret to stopping drinking, you've come to the right place.

I too searched for a way to stop drinking. Of course, that search to find a way to stop only began later in my life when I reached a point in my own drinking when I simply couldn't stop drinking. Prior to that, or for most of my drinking career, I wasn't seeking for a way to stop: I was seeking a way to control my drinking. Ultimately, that effort began to fail more and more frequently. And things got so bad for me that I sought not only to control, but to stop completely. That day didn't come until January 2001 when my son began his own recovery program to deal with his drug addiction. He was 15 and he reached the point of no return much much sooner than I did.

Until that day (I was 48 years old and I had been drinking for about 30 years), I had been able to stop! In fact, I proved that "I could stop" thousands of time between the age of 18 and 48. But at age 48, there came a day when I knew without question that I couldn't stop. And I didn't. I kept drinking for another 10 months. Hiding my drinking from everyone but me.

Then one morning, I woke up and realized that not being able to stop drinking is called, "alcoholism". I knew (from some education I'd received while my son---Pat---was going through treatment) that alcoholism was a disease and that I just happened to have it. All of a sudden, I looked back at all I had been doing to escape from alcoholism and all I saw was alcoholism. I stopped running that morning and I stopped stopping. For me, the answer to the question, "How do I stop drinking?" is "I can't."

That may sound strange coming from someone who's now been sober for 7+ years, but I never say that I stopped drinking back then. I say that what happened that morning was "I stopped trying to stop drinking and began trying to stay sober, one day at a time." I've been able to do that for awhile now and I'm no longer expending huge efforts at trying to stop drinking. Turns out, it takes zero effort "not to drink" --- it takes huge efforts to try and control my drinking! And it takes huge efforts trying to stop drinking! But "not doing something" actually takes no effort at all.

There is effort involved in staying sober, but I've found it nothing like what it was taking to try and hide/control my drinking. The effort involved with staying sober will be different for each person: mine involved getting to meetings on a very regular basis, getting a sponsor that I could trust and talk to about all that was going on with my life now that I was sober, talking in meetings, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, etc.

Whatever. I've found a way of living that exceeds all past expectations. Take care!

Mike L.

Alcoholic Insanity and the 2nd Step

When I look back over my life to see where I was insane, at least in terms of my drinking, it's clear to me that the particular type of insanity relevant to my alcoholism, both drinking and sober, is best defined as "someone trying not to be who they are."

Insanity in this context would exist if a man were trying for his whole life to be a woman because he simply didn't want to be a man. True, this man could do all sorts of odd things in his desperate attempt to be a woman, but there is really nothing at all he can do about his situation. He's simply a man, whether he likes it or not. Sure, he can remove certain parts of his body (ouch!) or make some parts look different, but he would then only be a man less one part and/or with other different looking parts. In the end, he'd still be a man. His attempts to be otherwise are insane acts.

This describes me and my 30 year battle with alcohol, or rather, with alcoholism. I spent 30+ years trying to drink and not be an alcoholic. It was the attempt to "not be an alcoholic" that was essential to my insanity, not the drinking.

Looking back now from this perspective of being 7+ years sober and in recovery, I think I now realize more accurately that "alcohol" was really an imaginary enemy. The real enemy was me. Almost from my first drink, I drank with the clear intention not to become an alcoholic like my father....or any other identified alcoholic for that matter. Trying to drink "like" a normal person is quite hard for anyone I suppose, but it eventually becomes impossible for someone who is an alcoholic.

When I understood this, I felt I was done with my 2nd Step. I had come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Take care!

Mike L.

3rd Step without Kneeling, without Prayer

99.9999999% of the time when I hear people talking about their "working" of the 3rd Step, their story inevitably seems to include the acts of kneeling and then saying the 3rd Step Prayer. The other .0000001% of the time? What I hear is lonely ol' me talking about my being worked by the 3rd Step without kneeling, without prayer. When I was worked by the 3rd Step, it did not and does not involve me kneeling down. Neither did it nor does it involve saying or praying what other people refer to as the 3rd Step Prayer. No step has me feeling as lonely and as isolated as the 3rd Step. And it's been that way since the beginning of my recovery in AA.

My very first sponsor was someone who took people through the book page by page. I didn't seem to mind that much at all, until we got close to the 3rd step. As we did that, he began talking about his experience of the 3rd step with his sponsor: how they walked up to the top of some hill in Pleasant Hill, California and then they both knelt down in front of a bench and together prayed the 3rd step prayer out loud. From the very first time he told me that story, I knew one thing for certain: there was not a way in Hell that I was going to kneel down with him or anyone else and pray this or any other prayer together. Not surprisingly, this sponsor was long gone before the 3rd step ended up working me.

For me, this sponsor's plan for me seemed totally contrary to everything I had been taught and had read in AA literature. What I had taken from the readings and the meetings was that we were free to come up with our own concept of a higher power, or not. We didn't have to accept anyone else's concept of God nor did we have to accept existence of God in order to stay sober or to be a full fledged member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And if that was true, then why were we expecting (or even suggesting!) one another to take on a specific practice common to some, but not all religions or spiritual traditions, involving kneeling before one's God in prayer. If the words of the 3rd step prayer were really suggested as it is written in the Big Book, then why is it everyone seems to follow like sheep and use only those words of prayer to express their "decision to turn their will and their lives over to the care of God, as they understood him."

Nope. There was no way I was going to do that. To do that would make me a member of a cult. And to assure myself that this was not a cult, I was going to make sure that I could stay a full fledged and sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous without kneeling and without saying the 3rd Step Prayer. And I have done just that. [Thank you Dr. Earle!]

For me, my decision to turn my life and my will over to my higher power involved and still involves the simple and repeated daily acts of letting go. Letting go of the deep seeded but mistaken belief that I am God. Or at least God-like. The very act of my drinking was the clearest example of my learning to play God. With alcohol, I found a powerful means of changing myself, my feelings, my surroundings, my past. Everything. God could create the world. And in effect, with alcohol, so could I. Until I couldn't. Eventually, what I thought was a solution turned on me.

I was a flea on the tail, thinking it was wagging the dog.

All this said, I do not want to leave anyone with the impression that I do not kneel or that I do not pray. I do. I kneel most mornings when I do several stretching movements (based on a book, 3 Minutes to a Painfree Life). I also kneel when I meditate: I use a sitting stool which allows me to kneel down and sit on a stool just above the back of my heals. This meditation stool helps me kneel in meditation without any pain in my knees or legs and it allows me to keep my back/spine straight and my breathing slow and natural. I'd done this several months before I realized I'd broken my vow never to kneel before God or anyone else! Kneeling in prayer never made sense to me after I had the feeling that God's response to my kneeling was something along the lines of, "Hey, Mike? What are you doing down there?" And then we laughed at the silliness of it all.

I use a variety of prayers that I've memorized to help me become focused on positive and loving thoughts. You might even be surprised that I even use a version of the 3rd Step Prayer, which I call "My Version":

God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will. Take away my difficulties, or not, that victory or defeat over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your powerlessness, your love and your way of life. May I do your will always.

As you can see, my version takes out all the Thees and Thous and replaces them with today's English. And as I ask my God to take away my difficulties, I also add that "or not" to express that I don't have a big investment or desire to have my difficulties taken away: some, if not all, of my difficulties have been my biggest gift in life! Alcoholism being the greatest difficulty/gift! Victory over difficulties is nice, but defeat over difficulties has oftentimes been far more important: my 30 year attempt to "not be an alcoholic" has been my most important and life-saving defeat. God's powerlessness: as I see it, God is just as powerless over my alcoholism as I am. I'm an alcoholic whether God likes it or not. I don't subscribe to the view that God made me an alcoholic and/or that God had some sort of "purpose" in mind by making me an alcoholic. The God of my understanding doesn't seem to get involved in that sort of day-to-day stuff or to intervene in the ongoing creation process that was begun bzillions of years ago from a simple and complete act of love. And that commitment to do God's will always? God's will is nothing more or less that same simple and complete act of love. May that Love be the source of my will, my acts, my thoughts, my words....always.
Turns out then that neither the acts of kneeling or praying were part of the commitment or decision I made in the 3rd step----but they are tools I can use on a daily basis to maintain my commitment to let go of the idea that I am God-like and to accept myself as the particular human being I am today.
Mike L.

Wondering "What If?"

Sorry that I haven't been blogging much recently, but I've been involved in a lot of work-related issues related to the economy and I've had to focus on those issues. Like many businesses these days, we've been struggling and last week we had to institute a layoff of about 10% of our non-attorney staff. Among those laid off was someone in my department and I was in the uncomfortable position of having to decide which one of my staff would be laid off. I really don't want to go into that here, but I did walk through that process focused on trying to be as compassionate and kind as I could, while at the same time trying to be loyal as an employee to a company that very well might fail if those in responsibility for managing its affairs do not do what's good for the whole firm.

Even before that process was over though, I began to play with the initially fearful idea: what would happen to me and my family if I was the one being laid off? While some might think paying attention to such "what if?" scenarios, I've found it helpful to give such fearful ideas a little room to play and to be played with. Not all that long ago, when I was drinking, I typically ran from such fears by anesthetizing myself with alcohol. Recovery has been teaching me new ways to deal with such normal albeit fearful life events.

This game playing involves brainstorming a list of things that I could do were I to lose my job, either through a layoff (unlikely but possible in my circumstance) or through a failure of our business (more possible in today's world). Over several days, the list grew to about five:

1. Become a truck driver
2. Go back to teaching high school religion
3. Go back to studying for the priesthood and become a priest
4. Become an author
5. Find a job similar to what I have now, except with another law firm

In brainstorming, you don't get bogged down with analyzing or criticizing or eliminating any ideas that float to the surface. They come up, you write them down. Once I had my initial list, I decided to let my wife in on the process: again, something that does not come natural to me. She's very strong and opinionated: just they way she should be! I decided to let her in on this because I knew that there was a certain part of me that was beginning to stress over the fears associated with losing my job and that this fear was going to come into our relationship, for good or bad, whether I liked it or not.

So, last week, I decided one night to tell my wife that I was actually feeling some fear about the security of my own job and how well we might survive were I to lose my job. Actually, I didn't "decide" to do that. One night, she asked me to start talking to her about anything... I don't seem to talk much and our life together had been seeming to fall into a too comfortable for me routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, walking the dog, reading in bed, rubbing her foot, and going to sleep (some details withheld). I told her that I really didn't have anything to say, at least, nothing to say that wasn't stressful. She said to tell her anyway. I did. I said that I was worried about losing my job and how we would be able to handle it. She responded immediately that that thought was very depressing! I told you she was strong and opinionated!

We laughed and then talked this through somewhat. Before falling off to sleep, I began making my "what if?" list of things that I could do if I lost my job. First thing that came to me was becoming a truck driver. I'm driving all the time it seems anyway (my commute to/from work is a little over two hours). I'm always seeing "We Need Drivers!" signs pasted on the back of semi-trucks. Not sure what it pays, but it would be something that would bring in some income. In addition, the more I thought about it, the more attractive this job seemed to me: I would get to travel to different places, go to different AA meetings, meet new people, have time to blog, and this would get me and my wife out of this rut that we're in.

That night I had a dream where I was applying for my old teaching job and I woke up with a start. Hey, I could go back to teaching! The initial problem though with this idea is that most often these days I consider myself to be an ex-Catholic, a non-Christian...on my good days. I'm sometimes an agnostic (where I wonder if God exists), sometimes a theist (although I'm never too clear on the God of my own understanding and more clear on the God of my misunderstanding). Suppose that might be an obstacle, but I decided that I could be honest about this with folks and let them in on the freedom that I've found and how I could really help these students walk through all the normal questions they have about God and what the do or don't believe. That's really all I did when I taught in Catholic high schools back in the early '80s. I helped them with their wonderings. I challenged their comfortable beliefs that they felt they "had" to believe to satisfy the expectations of their parents and others.

The next day, I thought of the weird possibility of my returning to the Jesuits and becoming a priest. Sure, there are a couple of hurdles with this. But I decided to play with this a little. This option could be just a "worst case" option for me if nothing else panned out. I didn't spend much time with this idea at all, but it was a fun one to share with my wife when I eventually shared my list with her... When I told her the idea of becoming a priest, she laughed and said that I couldn't do that because I was married. I laughed back and said that while we would have to get a divorce, apparently my being a priest would not prevent us from continuing to have great and frequent sex! She got a nice laugh out of that one.

Another idea also came to me about becoming an author, writing a book. That dream of becoming an author has been with me for some time and was actually the genesis of this blog. Blogging was a simple attempt to "do something" along the lines of writing an actual book. When I began playing with this idea, I came up with some general ideas about a book that I would like to write: it would be on the use of memorization in the recovery process. I have come across several other AAs who've used memorization to enhance their recovery: Chuck C. (Chamberlain) used to memorize things from the Big Book and elsewhere. Dr. Earle did also. I actually got the idea for using memorization from watching a man in a meeting recite the AA Preamble from memory while everyone else read it together from a little card at the beginning of that meeting. I was struck that this AA Preamble must really mean something to him if he went to the trouble of memorizing it. So I stole one of those cards and began what has become an essential and daily part of my recovery program. Over the last seven years, I've memorized a ton of stuff from various AA and non-AA literature. If I were to recite all of these things one right after another, it would take me close to three hours.

When I shared the idea of writing a book with my wife, she innocently asked, what would you write about? I initially told her that I didn't want to talk to her about that because she might be critical of what I was planning and I was too sensitive to take criticism about this area of my life right now. This hurt her because I was choosing to keep something from her. After some painful moments between us, I did decide to tell her that the book would be about "recovery" and that sort of hit her in a soft painful spot in our relationship. She's someone jealous of my "recovery life" because she doesn't feel part of it. We're still not really done talking this one through, but it was important for me to let her in on this dream of mine even if it's difficult.

Now that I'm done with my "what if?" playing, I've noticed that I'm no longer anxious about the future in terms of my job or what might happen with it. In fact, I'm realizing that I don't need to sit passively by and wait for life to happen to me. I can get off my ass and take steps to make it happen. Talking about my book here was a first step in that process. I will not commit to begin drafting titles for this book (a Title is the most important part of writing for me....) and to making an outline of chapters and to drafting a preface which tells my story and how memorization has become a most important part of my recovery.

Take care!

Mike L.

Step 1 Honesty with Self and Others....About What?

Tonight I went to a literature meeting where we read and share on topical selections from As Bill Sees It. Someone volunteers a topic and then people are free to select readings from the Table of Contents listed for that topic. Tonight's topic was Honesty. While people we reading various readings and sharing their experience, I began browsing through all of the readings for Honesty, looking for a selection which talked about what I consider one of the most important paragraphs in the Big Book related to the topic of Honesty: the first paragraph of How It Works. It wasn't included anywhere in the readings on the topic of Honesty!

I was surprised to find that the editors of As Bill Sees It didn't seem to pull any of the three great Honesty lines from that paragraph. I did find one reading that did talk about the importance of honesty with ourselves, as well as honesty with others. So I voluteered to read that passage and then shared with the group "As Mike Sees It" -- and how the first paragraph of How It Works gives me great insight into how honesty played a critical role in my own moment of clarity, the morning when I woke up sober for the first time.

The first reference to honesty in that paragraph talks about how rarely we've seen folks fail in this process who have thoroughly followed these steps.... Those that do fail seem to be "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." Not honest with others. Honest with themselves. The second reference follows: "They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty." Here the scope of honest seems to extend to more than just ourselves, but also to our whole manner of living. This new manner of living seems to require some sort of high level honesty, to be sure. The third reference to honesty comes in the last sentence of the paragraph where it refers to those who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders: they too can recover "if they have the capacity to be honest."

All of the other readings tonight seemed to talk about honesty in the context of the 4th/5th steps and in the context of our relationships with others, both before and after we got sober. I don't have any particular issue with any of that, but given that I'm focusing on the 1st Step this month of January, I'm more attentive to how honesty played a key role in my getting sober and continues to play a key role in my staying sober.

For me, especially in the context of the first step, honesty is important almost entirely in terms of how I am willing and able to be honest about who I am as a human being who happens to be an alcoholic. My own moment of clarity involved my "waking up" to who and what I was: an alcoholic. A man who couldn't and can't "stop" drinking. On that particular morning, I thought the same thought I'd woken up to for almost a year: "I just can't stop drinking!". What was unique about that morning was that, unlike in prior experiences, the fact that I couldn't stop drinking was not a problem or something to be ashamed of.... It was just a biological fact. My body was different in terms of how it processed alcohol (and whatever form that might take...).

But I didn't lose the obsession to drink with this awareness of who I was. That didn't come until seconds later, I saw myself sitting in a circle of folks at the Kaiser "multi-family group" which met on Thursday nights and included about six kids who were trying to get clean and sober, as well as their parents and siblings. The morning I woke up sober, I saw myself sitting in that circle of people and when it came time to "check-in" (we parents would check in by saying, "Mike name is Mike. I'm here for my son, Pat. We did (or didn't, if Pat had a relapse that week...) have a sober household. And I do or don't have something to talk about." That's how I had been dishonestly checking in with those folks for the last ten months or so. Never did I tell the real, rigorous truth to them in that group, or anywhere else for that matter.

But that morning of October 20, 2001, I saw myself raising my hand in front of those imaginary people and say, "My name is Mike and I am an alcoholic." When I made that disclosure, even though it was to imaginary people to be sure, I had a clear and dramatic removal of the obsession to drink. An obsession that had been with me since my first drink almost 30 years prior.

I was free. And this freedom from the obsession to drink came about, I believe with all my heart, because I was finally honest with myself and with others about who I am as an alcoholic. I am convinced that this freedom has remained constant, in large part, because I've developed a new way of living which includes the critical component of being honest about that reality on a daily basis.

I was on my way....

Take care!

Mike L.

AA Didn't Teach Me How To Stop Drinking---It Taught Me How to Stop Stopping!

Anytime I hear another recovering alcoholic say something to the effect that they "stopped drinking" when they got sober, I cringe inside. Why? Well, it's because for 30 years or so, I defined an alcoholic as someone who couldn't stop drinking. The definition has flesh and bones and I called him "Dad."

When I was in my early 20s and my dad was in his late 40s, I pleaded with him to stop drinking --- because if he didn't, it was my strong belief that he was going to lose custody of my youngest sister (she was 3 years old and my parents had just divorced; my dad had been granted custody of my two younger sisters). Among other things...

I'll never forget that he reacted to that request of mine as though I had demanded that he stopped breathing air. "How dare I" ask him to give up the one source of relief that he had in his life. He worked hard, cared for his two daughters, "didn't run around with loose women!" --- and the only thing that he had left to give him any sense of relief from the stress in his life was to drink "some". How dare I indeed.

Sure, he could stop... He just didn't need to stop. I remember well that he could routinely make a point to stop drinking "for Lent" every year. He would also sometimes go on a "diet" and restrict his drinking to Miller Lite!!! Lots of Miller Lite!!! Yes, he could stop. Stopping wasn't his (or my!) problem. Starting was.

So it makes me nervous when recovering alcoholics refer to their getting sober as "stopping." You see, whenever I "stopped" in order to prove to myself or to others that I certainly wasn't an alcoholic, I would stop. And then when I was stopped, I would always become convinced at some point that I had "really, really, really" stopped and then once I was fully convinced that I had in fact really really really stopped, then the inevitable idea would float to the surface of my brain: "Well, if I've stopped, then I must not be an alcoholic! Alcoholics can't stop!"

For any of you who are struggling with this issue of "am I or am I not an alcoholic" --- trust me, if you're struggling with this issue and you're proving to yourself that you're not an alcoholic by the fact that you "can" stop drinking. Great! Just remember though that when you get to the point of being really convinced that you're not an alcoholic AND (!!!) the first thing you are going to do now IS DRINK (!!!) then, my friend, you can rest assured, you've passed the ultimate test. You are, sorry to say, an alcoholic. Non-alcoholics celebrate their not being alcoholics by drinking water, soda or milk....if they are thirsty. Actually, truth be told, non-alcoholics don't celebrate not being alcoholics. You see, it's not an issue for them. Period.

What happened for me (although I wasn't really aware of this after several years of sobriety) that morning that I woke up after my last drink (to date), is that I didn't stop drinking. No. Quite the opposite.

What I did was wake up and realize that "I can't stop drinking!". The same thought, to be sure, that I had been having for over 10 months. But this morning, it was different. This thought was followed by another: "This inability to stop drinking....is called 'alcoholism'."

And that thought was immediately followed by another, "And this alcoholism is just a disease that I happen to have, and that's perfectly all right!" Ahhhh. Everything I had done to that point in my life now made perfect sense. All the shame and guilt for doing all that I had done, especially my not stopping drinking when my son began his own recovery, all made perfect sense to me. The last thought that morning was that all was not hopeless. I could do what Pat had been doing and I was going to be o.k. --- I could go into those meetings that he had been going into for over ten months and I could get better, one day at a time, just like he had been getting better.

So what happened with me beginning the morning of October 20, 2001 is I began accepting the truth about my drinking: I can't stop drinking. That's intentionally phrased in the "past tense" by me because I still perceive myself as someone who can't stop drinking.

You see, I found freedom from that "self constructed prison" by accepting that truth about Me and sifting my attention to a new thought: while I can't stop drinking, I can stay sober one day at a time. I can't do it for a longer period than that, but I can stay sober today. Tomorrow? Well, as Dr. Paul (author of the "Acceptance is the Answer" story in the Big Book) once said, "If things just become unbearable some day and you just have to drink to deal with all the pain and stress, as a last resort, give yourself permission to drink....tomorrow." AA only asks that you try your best not to drink "today."

AA has no official position on drinking tomorrow. We've drawn the line at "just for today." As a result, he told folks who found themselves in these "worst case scenarios" to go ahead and give themselves permission to drink.... tomorrow.

His only caveat was that when "tomorrow" came and in the unlikely event that they still wanted to drink (he said that most people woke up either forgetting that they'd made this agreement to drink or woke up forgetting why it was that things were all that bad that a drink was going to make it better...), that he only encouraged them to ask one last question before actually taking the drink and that question is, of course, "What day is it?" If it's "today" ---- well, you know the AA story.

A couple of years ago, I heard an AA chair say that he came into AA with the barest of hopes that AA would teach him how to stop drinking. That morning, he told us that after many years of recovery, he was just now realizing that AA taught him no such thing. Instead, they taught him how to stop stopping.

That hit me like a brick. It was my experience too!

Take care!

Mike L.

Powerlessness Is Not a Problem, Now or Then

The 6 year anniversary of Dr. Earle's death (1/13/2003) was last week and I've been thinking about him even more than usual.... One of the things Earle told me when I was early in sobriety was that all of the Twelve Steps could be condensed or summarized into one single word: Powerlessness. While the word powerless is clearly contained within the 1st Step, he felt that it was not a temporary or limited state of being and as a result, he found it important to remember this state of powerlessness in each of the remaining 11 steps. He said all this to me during a Thursday night meeting at the Lafayette Hut and he then began reciting the remaining 11 Steps and he prefaced each step with the phrase, "Out of our powerlessness...."

Step 2: Out of our powerlessness, we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity....

Step 3: Out of our powerlessness, we made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him....

etc. (FYI: I've found it very helpful and powerful to recite the Twelve Steps in this modified format!)

Between now and then, I've been struck at how many recovering alcoholics seem to portray "powerlessness" as a problem that needs to be overcome or solved. In the Big Book, when it says, "Lack of power! That was our dilemma. We needed to find a power greater than ourselves by which to live and that power had to be greater than ourselves. Obviously.

To be honest, the truth of that has never been 'obvious' to me. Seems like most people translate that claim to read, "Lack of power! That was our Problem. And to solve that problem, we needed to find a power greater than ourselves by which to live and that power had to be greater than ourselves." Personally, I don't see powerlessness as a problem or as something "wrong."

When I say that I am powerless over alcohol, I no longer look at this in terms of what I can't "do". I see it more in terms of who I am. My body is different from non-alcoholics not in terms of what I can't do, but in terms of how it processes alcohol and other mind-altering drugs. That physical condition is not something I have any power over. It's just the way I am. Although I've only been sober a little over 7 years, I've had this physical condition for many years.

Is that a problem? Not really. The "condition" isn't really the problem. My problem was that I was trying to figure out a way whereby I could "act" as though I didn't have this condition. That is, I tried to act "non-alcoholically" when I drank.

I thought that I was quite successful at this for many years, but I always experienced "incidents" where I failed miserably: I would start drinking just like every other time, but I would reach that Perfect Moment when all the stars in the universe aligned with me....and then I would forget to stop drinking. Next thing I would know, I'd wake up, sick and having vomited all over myself, not remembering what I'd done or said (no problem: my wife would remember!) and feel all sorts of guilt and shame for having done exactly what I didn't want to do. These incidents started off rather sporadic and gradual....but over the years, they seemed to increase in frequency and severity. As it says in "More About Alcoholism": I was in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of time, it got worse.

What I'm trying to say though that my problem wasn't with these "incidents" --- my problem was that I was drinking and my body was alcoholic. When I woke up the morning of October 21, 2001 and realized for the first time ever that my inability to stop drinking was simply a disease called "alcoholism" and that I just happened to have that disease....then I was free. The solution to this problem (trying not to be who I was trying to be: a drinking non-alcoholic...) was to accept who I really was: a recovering alcoholic.

The solution was not just "not-drinking" as that would have just postponed the inevitable pain and suffering. The solution had to be a program of recovery and I found that in AA. My problem wasn't Powerlessness (if so, I'd still be screwed!). My problem was the ongoing attempts to ignore the fact of who I am as an alcoholic.

Suppose that's why I've never been all that motivated to develop definite belief/understanding of God.... It isn't really something I need to do, at least in terms of my recovery. Why create a solution for something that's not a problem?

Take care!

Mike L.

p.s. Note to Self: I need to write another blog on the topic of "God is Powerless Too! (and how that's not a problem for God either!)