Lack of Power is a Dilemma, Not a Problem

A dilemma is "a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives." It's not a problem. Lack of power over alcohol is not a problem; it's a dilemma. The two equally undesirable alternatives are: (1) We needed to find a power by which to live and (2) that power had to be both greater than ourselves.

Alternative #1 was undesirable because we knew that this power could no longer be alcohol or any other substance.

Alternative #2 was equally undesirable because that power greater than ourselves also had to be something other than alcohol or any other substance.

Like many dilemmas, the problem is in the perceiver not the perceived.

I suspect when we alcoholics use the phrase "lack of power" we're assuming that "normal" (non-alcoholic) folks "have power" over alcohol. I don't think non-alcoholics consider that they have "power" over alcohol any more than they think they have power over water, milk or bread. They can take it or leave it. They aren't addicted to it. It doesn't effect them the way it does alcoholics.

Shakespeare might have had a better way of characterizing the dilemma of an alcoholic teetering on the edge of a sober life: "To be or not to be! That is the question!" That is the real dilemma for one who is an alcoholic. Once we're alcoholic: the situation requiring a choice between two equally undesirable alternatives: To be an alcoholic or To pretend not to be an alcoholic. Interestingly, there really is no choice in terms of "being" alcoholic or not. You either is or you isn't. The choice is in terms of either accepting the truth and living in accord with that or denying the truth and suffering the consequences.

The supposed dilemma presented by "lack of power" led me one morning to wake up to the understanding that my inability to stop drinking was the sign I had been waiting for....no, dreading from the very beginning of my drinking: I was an alcoholic. I had a disease and that was OK. Now I just needed to do something about that. My dad had died from this disease because he was unable to understand the truth underneath his drinking. I didn't need to go down that path. Instead, I did what my son was doing (he was 5 months clean at the time): began going to meetings, listening to other people's experiences, sharing my own truth, getting better....one day at a time.

Take care!

Mike L.

Recovery's Shelf Life: 24 Hours

I just got back from a noon men's meeting and the chair was a man who had 15 days sobriety. He'd had 12 years until about two months ago and then he went out. Took him 2 months to get back in and get 15 days sobriety. Great chair. No whining. Just what happened and how he got sober again. And what he learned about his disease and his recovery: the principal lesson learned was that he'd gotten disconnected from other recovering alcoholics/addicts and had stopped going to meetings.

When he was done, he called on a guy sitting next to him who had 28 days sober. Also a guy who had some sober time before (6 years) and who had relapsed about three years ago. In the last three years, he's had two periods of sobriety where he got 13 months sober---but each time he relapsed again over something: usually a resentment. Unlike the other guy, he had been going to meetings (about 14 meetings a week) and was very active in AA (was chair of the local Intergroup). But something (a resentment) ticked him off so much that he drank over it to get back at some old-timers who weren't giving him enough respect. He's 28 days sober today and tomorrow he's being arraigned for 2 counts of felony hit and run drunk driving.

These two shares were great for me to hear. Unlike some people in AA who think there should be a rule against newcomers with less than "x" amount of time (usually, I hear the limit set at 6 months), I think such an outright proscription against newcomers chairing a meeting or even sharing in a meeting is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of in AA. Shit! If newcomers couldn't tell their stories, the first five or so months of AA meetings back in 1935 would have been limited to members listening (or at least hearing!) Bill Wilson talking about his spiritual awakening....again and again and again....one fucking time after another! Not only would no one else got sober, I really doubt that Bill W would have been able to stay sober on just telling and retelling his story. And that would have been the end of AA's first attempt at existence.

Clearly, one of the most key aspects of the AA way of recovery is that we need other alcoholics in order to stay sober. We need to reach out to other alcoholics (sober, wet and dry!) if we are to have any chance at staying sober. And if all we're going to do is to talk "at" other alcoholics, no one's going to get sober and no one's going to stay sober.

The other important lesson I learned today is that the shelf life of AA recovery is about 24 hours and not much more. While I don't have the power to stop or control my drinking, I do have the ability to try and stay sober today. Not at all sure about tomorrow, but I think I can do this for the remainder of my day. I'll deal with tomorrow when it's today.

Take care!

Mike L.

Searching for Outside Solutions to Inside Problems

What we alcoholics have in common with each other is that we are people who routinely look for outside solutions to inside problems. If there's a mental aspect of this disease, I think that this is it. Personally, I'm not sure this isn't really part of the human condition...we alcoholics just take this tendency down a rather unique and sometimes deadly path.

The way this typically works for me is that I begin by mistakenly assuming that my "problem" has an outside cause. Someone said something and these "words" hurt me or my feelings. Some event occurred and I feel pain (sadness, grief, anger, etc.) as a result. Once that's firmly in my mind, I then start looking for a solution to that external problem and I naturally begin by looking outside of myself. I mean, why not! The problem's out there, the solution must be also!

Unfortunately (or fortunately!) the problem isn't caused by some external source. While the words and the events are out there, they don't actually hurt me. What hurts me is the thought that is in my head and which attaches itself to my perception of reality, inside and out.

Someone calls me an idiot! That doesn't hurt unless I grab on to that thought and believe it or resist it. If I just listen to the statement that I'm an idiot, not believing or resisting, it doesn't hurt. I haven't given it any weight. Someone thinks I'm an idiot! Wow! I've thought that also at times! What else do they think? Why are they sharing this insight with me now? They seem angry, I wonder why? What can I do to help them?

So the problem is "internal" and if that's true, then I suspect that the solution is there also.

I read somewhere recently (I think it was a De Mello book...) that the most important journey in a person's life has no distance. And if that's true, then the ultimate truth is that there really is no problem! We are fish frantically searching for water, not realizing that it's all around and in us.

Take care!

Mike L.

How to Stop Drinking...

Even though it's March (a time when I'd normally spend more time thinking and writing about the 3rd step....), I've found myself going back to the 2nd and even the 1st step this last week or two. I think it's because I have a god son who I believe is struggling with this dis-ease of alcoholism. And I'm trying to figure out what I can do to help him find a solution to that problem. His father, a close friend of mine, just recently suspected that his 25 year old son is an alcoholic and is somewhat ashamed that he hasn't seen all of the signs of that addiction over the last five or so years. How could he not have seen it?

So anyway, he went to his son and suggested that he might be an alcoholic and that maybe he should try going to an AA meeting. Although the son seemed to be in agreement that he had a problem with drinking, he was just not going to go to "one of those fucking AA meetings!" The father called me and asked if I would a "huge favor" and talk to his son. He said that John was open to talking to me after learning that I was a recovering alcoholic and that my son is a recovering addict with more time clean that I have. John was open to talking to me... I've called him and left a voicemail but haven't heard back from him yet (it's been 2-3 days now since I called and left the message). Sent him a text message this morning. Still no reply. I've now sent some recommendations to his parents regarding Alanon so that they start getting some help themselves. I might take my own recommendation and attend some Alanon meetings myself!

Now, someone reading this blog might be wondering, Why did you call this post "How to Stop Drinking" when you really haven't talked about that at all? Well, there's a reason to my madness.

Since I haven't heard back from John yet, I thought to myself, "what's probably going through his mind and where might he search for an answer (if not from Mike L.)?" Well, methinks "Google"!

John might try one last ditch effort to avoid both AA and Mike L. by searching Google for a easier and more palatable solution to his problem. Assuming he has some inkling that the problem might be his inability to stop drinking, I thought he might do a Google search for "How to Stop Drinking". Such a search might now take him to this post. If so, "Hi John!" If you are not John, but are searching for the secret to stopping drinking, you've come to the right place.

I too searched for a way to stop drinking. Of course, that search to find a way to stop only began later in my life when I reached a point in my own drinking when I simply couldn't stop drinking. Prior to that, or for most of my drinking career, I wasn't seeking for a way to stop: I was seeking a way to control my drinking. Ultimately, that effort began to fail more and more frequently. And things got so bad for me that I sought not only to control, but to stop completely. That day didn't come until January 2001 when my son began his own recovery program to deal with his drug addiction. He was 15 and he reached the point of no return much much sooner than I did.

Until that day (I was 48 years old and I had been drinking for about 30 years), I had been able to stop! In fact, I proved that "I could stop" thousands of time between the age of 18 and 48. But at age 48, there came a day when I knew without question that I couldn't stop. And I didn't. I kept drinking for another 10 months. Hiding my drinking from everyone but me.

Then one morning, I woke up and realized that not being able to stop drinking is called, "alcoholism". I knew (from some education I'd received while my son---Pat---was going through treatment) that alcoholism was a disease and that I just happened to have it. All of a sudden, I looked back at all I had been doing to escape from alcoholism and all I saw was alcoholism. I stopped running that morning and I stopped stopping. For me, the answer to the question, "How do I stop drinking?" is "I can't."

That may sound strange coming from someone who's now been sober for 7+ years, but I never say that I stopped drinking back then. I say that what happened that morning was "I stopped trying to stop drinking and began trying to stay sober, one day at a time." I've been able to do that for awhile now and I'm no longer expending huge efforts at trying to stop drinking. Turns out, it takes zero effort "not to drink" --- it takes huge efforts to try and control my drinking! And it takes huge efforts trying to stop drinking! But "not doing something" actually takes no effort at all.

There is effort involved in staying sober, but I've found it nothing like what it was taking to try and hide/control my drinking. The effort involved with staying sober will be different for each person: mine involved getting to meetings on a very regular basis, getting a sponsor that I could trust and talk to about all that was going on with my life now that I was sober, talking in meetings, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, etc.

Whatever. I've found a way of living that exceeds all past expectations. Take care!

Mike L.

Alcoholic Insanity and the 2nd Step

When I look back over my life to see where I was insane, at least in terms of my drinking, it's clear to me that the particular type of insanity relevant to my alcoholism, both drinking and sober, is best defined as "someone trying not to be who they are."

Insanity in this context would exist if a man were trying for his whole life to be a woman because he simply didn't want to be a man. True, this man could do all sorts of odd things in his desperate attempt to be a woman, but there is really nothing at all he can do about his situation. He's simply a man, whether he likes it or not. Sure, he can remove certain parts of his body (ouch!) or make some parts look different, but he would then only be a man less one part and/or with other different looking parts. In the end, he'd still be a man. His attempts to be otherwise are insane acts.

This describes me and my 30 year battle with alcohol, or rather, with alcoholism. I spent 30+ years trying to drink and not be an alcoholic. It was the attempt to "not be an alcoholic" that was essential to my insanity, not the drinking.

Looking back now from this perspective of being 7+ years sober and in recovery, I think I now realize more accurately that "alcohol" was really an imaginary enemy. The real enemy was me. Almost from my first drink, I drank with the clear intention not to become an alcoholic like my father....or any other identified alcoholic for that matter. Trying to drink "like" a normal person is quite hard for anyone I suppose, but it eventually becomes impossible for someone who is an alcoholic.

When I understood this, I felt I was done with my 2nd Step. I had come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Take care!

Mike L.

3rd Step without Kneeling, without Prayer

99.9999999% of the time when I hear people talking about their "working" of the 3rd Step, their story inevitably seems to include the acts of kneeling and then saying the 3rd Step Prayer. The other .0000001% of the time? What I hear is lonely ol' me talking about my being worked by the 3rd Step without kneeling, without prayer. When I was worked by the 3rd Step, it did not and does not involve me kneeling down. Neither did it nor does it involve saying or praying what other people refer to as the 3rd Step Prayer. No step has me feeling as lonely and as isolated as the 3rd Step. And it's been that way since the beginning of my recovery in AA.

My very first sponsor was someone who took people through the book page by page. I didn't seem to mind that much at all, until we got close to the 3rd step. As we did that, he began talking about his experience of the 3rd step with his sponsor: how they walked up to the top of some hill in Pleasant Hill, California and then they both knelt down in front of a bench and together prayed the 3rd step prayer out loud. From the very first time he told me that story, I knew one thing for certain: there was not a way in Hell that I was going to kneel down with him or anyone else and pray this or any other prayer together. Not surprisingly, this sponsor was long gone before the 3rd step ended up working me.

For me, this sponsor's plan for me seemed totally contrary to everything I had been taught and had read in AA literature. What I had taken from the readings and the meetings was that we were free to come up with our own concept of a higher power, or not. We didn't have to accept anyone else's concept of God nor did we have to accept existence of God in order to stay sober or to be a full fledged member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And if that was true, then why were we expecting (or even suggesting!) one another to take on a specific practice common to some, but not all religions or spiritual traditions, involving kneeling before one's God in prayer. If the words of the 3rd step prayer were really suggested as it is written in the Big Book, then why is it everyone seems to follow like sheep and use only those words of prayer to express their "decision to turn their will and their lives over to the care of God, as they understood him."

Nope. There was no way I was going to do that. To do that would make me a member of a cult. And to assure myself that this was not a cult, I was going to make sure that I could stay a full fledged and sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous without kneeling and without saying the 3rd Step Prayer. And I have done just that. [Thank you Dr. Earle!]

For me, my decision to turn my life and my will over to my higher power involved and still involves the simple and repeated daily acts of letting go. Letting go of the deep seeded but mistaken belief that I am God. Or at least God-like. The very act of my drinking was the clearest example of my learning to play God. With alcohol, I found a powerful means of changing myself, my feelings, my surroundings, my past. Everything. God could create the world. And in effect, with alcohol, so could I. Until I couldn't. Eventually, what I thought was a solution turned on me.

I was a flea on the tail, thinking it was wagging the dog.

All this said, I do not want to leave anyone with the impression that I do not kneel or that I do not pray. I do. I kneel most mornings when I do several stretching movements (based on a book, 3 Minutes to a Painfree Life). I also kneel when I meditate: I use a sitting stool which allows me to kneel down and sit on a stool just above the back of my heals. This meditation stool helps me kneel in meditation without any pain in my knees or legs and it allows me to keep my back/spine straight and my breathing slow and natural. I'd done this several months before I realized I'd broken my vow never to kneel before God or anyone else! Kneeling in prayer never made sense to me after I had the feeling that God's response to my kneeling was something along the lines of, "Hey, Mike? What are you doing down there?" And then we laughed at the silliness of it all.

I use a variety of prayers that I've memorized to help me become focused on positive and loving thoughts. You might even be surprised that I even use a version of the 3rd Step Prayer, which I call "My Version":

God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will. Take away my difficulties, or not, that victory or defeat over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your powerlessness, your love and your way of life. May I do your will always.

As you can see, my version takes out all the Thees and Thous and replaces them with today's English. And as I ask my God to take away my difficulties, I also add that "or not" to express that I don't have a big investment or desire to have my difficulties taken away: some, if not all, of my difficulties have been my biggest gift in life! Alcoholism being the greatest difficulty/gift! Victory over difficulties is nice, but defeat over difficulties has oftentimes been far more important: my 30 year attempt to "not be an alcoholic" has been my most important and life-saving defeat. God's powerlessness: as I see it, God is just as powerless over my alcoholism as I am. I'm an alcoholic whether God likes it or not. I don't subscribe to the view that God made me an alcoholic and/or that God had some sort of "purpose" in mind by making me an alcoholic. The God of my understanding doesn't seem to get involved in that sort of day-to-day stuff or to intervene in the ongoing creation process that was begun bzillions of years ago from a simple and complete act of love. And that commitment to do God's will always? God's will is nothing more or less that same simple and complete act of love. May that Love be the source of my will, my acts, my thoughts, my words....always.
Turns out then that neither the acts of kneeling or praying were part of the commitment or decision I made in the 3rd step----but they are tools I can use on a daily basis to maintain my commitment to let go of the idea that I am God-like and to accept myself as the particular human being I am today.
Mike L.

Wondering "What If?"

Sorry that I haven't been blogging much recently, but I've been involved in a lot of work-related issues related to the economy and I've had to focus on those issues. Like many businesses these days, we've been struggling and last week we had to institute a layoff of about 10% of our non-attorney staff. Among those laid off was someone in my department and I was in the uncomfortable position of having to decide which one of my staff would be laid off. I really don't want to go into that here, but I did walk through that process focused on trying to be as compassionate and kind as I could, while at the same time trying to be loyal as an employee to a company that very well might fail if those in responsibility for managing its affairs do not do what's good for the whole firm.

Even before that process was over though, I began to play with the initially fearful idea: what would happen to me and my family if I was the one being laid off? While some might think paying attention to such "what if?" scenarios, I've found it helpful to give such fearful ideas a little room to play and to be played with. Not all that long ago, when I was drinking, I typically ran from such fears by anesthetizing myself with alcohol. Recovery has been teaching me new ways to deal with such normal albeit fearful life events.

This game playing involves brainstorming a list of things that I could do were I to lose my job, either through a layoff (unlikely but possible in my circumstance) or through a failure of our business (more possible in today's world). Over several days, the list grew to about five:

1. Become a truck driver
2. Go back to teaching high school religion
3. Go back to studying for the priesthood and become a priest
4. Become an author
5. Find a job similar to what I have now, except with another law firm

In brainstorming, you don't get bogged down with analyzing or criticizing or eliminating any ideas that float to the surface. They come up, you write them down. Once I had my initial list, I decided to let my wife in on the process: again, something that does not come natural to me. She's very strong and opinionated: just they way she should be! I decided to let her in on this because I knew that there was a certain part of me that was beginning to stress over the fears associated with losing my job and that this fear was going to come into our relationship, for good or bad, whether I liked it or not.

So, last week, I decided one night to tell my wife that I was actually feeling some fear about the security of my own job and how well we might survive were I to lose my job. Actually, I didn't "decide" to do that. One night, she asked me to start talking to her about anything... I don't seem to talk much and our life together had been seeming to fall into a too comfortable for me routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, walking the dog, reading in bed, rubbing her foot, and going to sleep (some details withheld). I told her that I really didn't have anything to say, at least, nothing to say that wasn't stressful. She said to tell her anyway. I did. I said that I was worried about losing my job and how we would be able to handle it. She responded immediately that that thought was very depressing! I told you she was strong and opinionated!

We laughed and then talked this through somewhat. Before falling off to sleep, I began making my "what if?" list of things that I could do if I lost my job. First thing that came to me was becoming a truck driver. I'm driving all the time it seems anyway (my commute to/from work is a little over two hours). I'm always seeing "We Need Drivers!" signs pasted on the back of semi-trucks. Not sure what it pays, but it would be something that would bring in some income. In addition, the more I thought about it, the more attractive this job seemed to me: I would get to travel to different places, go to different AA meetings, meet new people, have time to blog, and this would get me and my wife out of this rut that we're in.

That night I had a dream where I was applying for my old teaching job and I woke up with a start. Hey, I could go back to teaching! The initial problem though with this idea is that most often these days I consider myself to be an ex-Catholic, a non-Christian...on my good days. I'm sometimes an agnostic (where I wonder if God exists), sometimes a theist (although I'm never too clear on the God of my own understanding and more clear on the God of my misunderstanding). Suppose that might be an obstacle, but I decided that I could be honest about this with folks and let them in on the freedom that I've found and how I could really help these students walk through all the normal questions they have about God and what the do or don't believe. That's really all I did when I taught in Catholic high schools back in the early '80s. I helped them with their wonderings. I challenged their comfortable beliefs that they felt they "had" to believe to satisfy the expectations of their parents and others.

The next day, I thought of the weird possibility of my returning to the Jesuits and becoming a priest. Sure, there are a couple of hurdles with this. But I decided to play with this a little. This option could be just a "worst case" option for me if nothing else panned out. I didn't spend much time with this idea at all, but it was a fun one to share with my wife when I eventually shared my list with her... When I told her the idea of becoming a priest, she laughed and said that I couldn't do that because I was married. I laughed back and said that while we would have to get a divorce, apparently my being a priest would not prevent us from continuing to have great and frequent sex! She got a nice laugh out of that one.

Another idea also came to me about becoming an author, writing a book. That dream of becoming an author has been with me for some time and was actually the genesis of this blog. Blogging was a simple attempt to "do something" along the lines of writing an actual book. When I began playing with this idea, I came up with some general ideas about a book that I would like to write: it would be on the use of memorization in the recovery process. I have come across several other AAs who've used memorization to enhance their recovery: Chuck C. (Chamberlain) used to memorize things from the Big Book and elsewhere. Dr. Earle did also. I actually got the idea for using memorization from watching a man in a meeting recite the AA Preamble from memory while everyone else read it together from a little card at the beginning of that meeting. I was struck that this AA Preamble must really mean something to him if he went to the trouble of memorizing it. So I stole one of those cards and began what has become an essential and daily part of my recovery program. Over the last seven years, I've memorized a ton of stuff from various AA and non-AA literature. If I were to recite all of these things one right after another, it would take me close to three hours.

When I shared the idea of writing a book with my wife, she innocently asked, what would you write about? I initially told her that I didn't want to talk to her about that because she might be critical of what I was planning and I was too sensitive to take criticism about this area of my life right now. This hurt her because I was choosing to keep something from her. After some painful moments between us, I did decide to tell her that the book would be about "recovery" and that sort of hit her in a soft painful spot in our relationship. She's someone jealous of my "recovery life" because she doesn't feel part of it. We're still not really done talking this one through, but it was important for me to let her in on this dream of mine even if it's difficult.

Now that I'm done with my "what if?" playing, I've noticed that I'm no longer anxious about the future in terms of my job or what might happen with it. In fact, I'm realizing that I don't need to sit passively by and wait for life to happen to me. I can get off my ass and take steps to make it happen. Talking about my book here was a first step in that process. I will not commit to begin drafting titles for this book (a Title is the most important part of writing for me....) and to making an outline of chapters and to drafting a preface which tells my story and how memorization has become a most important part of my recovery.

Take care!

Mike L.