Anthropomorphizing Alcohol/Alcoholism

"Remember that we deal with alcohol: cunning, baffling, powerful."

"I've been sober for "x" years, but I know that the disease is out there waiting for me to let down my guard. If I do, it will come at me with a vengeance..."

"My alcoholism is still in me....waiting. Lying in wait."

"My alcoholism is still there in me, even when I'm sober: it's like a sleeping tiger. One drink and the tiger will wake up and take back everything that I've gained during my sobriety."

"We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol."

All of these are just a few examples of how we often "anthropomorphize" --ascribe human qualities or characteristics to inanimate objects or other things that are not human -- the chemical "alcohol" and the disease of alcoholism. While I've nodded my head in apparent agreement with those who do this, I truly wonder if it's really helpful to portray alcohol or alcoholism as things they are not. In fact, I am beginning to think that such fantasy can actually become quite dangerous for the recovering alcoholic.

I say that because I think that the end result is that we ultimately begin to think, consciously or not, that our problem is "out there" or "not us." We mistakenly think that our recovery needs to be defensive in nature as though there's something out there that has the ability to trick us into taking a first drink or use some other mind-altering drug. That there's something in us that's really not part of "us" that has somehow invaded our body and who's there whether we consent to it being there or not. Something "foreign." All this leads us to expending large amounts of energy building up our defenses and other walls to this supposed outside problem.

And when do that, we ignore the fact that part of the essence of who we are is "alcoholic" --- there's nothing, not even alcohol itself, that can attack us or get us drunk.

Alcohol itself is not cunning, baffling or powerful. It's a fluid with certain physical characteristics. It doesn't smile, wink or smirk at us from behind the bar, the bottle or the glass. What's cunning, baffling and powerful is our mind which can look at alcohol or other drugs (or anything else "out there") and can see something that can fix our inside problems. That's what's cunning, baffling, powerful! Our mind. Our body. Our memory (or lack thereof).

Alcohol didn't "stop doing something" to or with me on October 20, 2001. What happened on that morning is I had a moment of clarity where, for the first time in my life, I understood that I simply couldn't stop drinking and the reason for that was the fact that I was an alcoholic. That understanding gave me a clear understanding, albeit brief and fleeting and shallow, of my entire life up to that point: everything thing I had done in terms of my drinking and my attempts to control it and use it --- all without becoming an alcoholic like my dad --- became perfectly clear to me. Ahhhh, that's why I did that! And that! And that! etc.

The only thing that alcohol was "doing" in my body at that moment of time the morning of October 20th was continue to dissipate. The physical chemicals making up alcohol continued to dissipate over the next few days, maybe weeks. They went away naturally because they are not me. For me, they are a type of poison or allergen. If I don't put them in me, I'm not bothered by them. From that point on, my struggles in recovery haven't been with the chemical alcohol, they've been with my thinking, my habits, my memories, my feelings, my character, etc. My struggles have been in and with "me!"

When I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol, for me, it wasn't a powerlessness over something "out there." Alcohol can't attack or rape me or make me drink. It's an inanimate object. It doesn't have life or the capabilities of living beings. My powerlessness is that I can't change my reaction to alcohol once it's in my body. My body is allergic to alcohol and once it's in me, I start having an allergic reaction. I start thinking that I can control how much and when I will drink. I start thinking that I will be able to stop when I'm ready. I start thinking that I can get sober tomorrow, or even better, the day/week/month/year/decade after. I start thinking that I will able to get sober before I die. Once I start, I don't seem to have the ability to choose when or where I'm going to stop.

I heard once that we alcoholics, maybe like all human beings, have a tendency to want to find outside solutions to inside problems. What I've been learning during the last 7+ years of recovery is that the solutions to my inside "problems" are to be found within. There's no threat out there that I need to be concerned about. I need to look within. And the paradoxical truth, for me, is that the only way I can find the solution within, is to reconnect also with those who are without: others. Other people. Other alcoholics, drunk, dry or sober. Maybe even an "other" that's beyond all understanding.

Take care!

Mike L.

Counting Days

Counting days can be helpful in terms of keeping ourselves grounded in reality. I got into the habit early on of making sure to let people know how much time I had when I talked in meetings. You see, I have always been great talker and "look-gooder" in my life -- but when I came into AA, it was important to me to let people know that while I might sound good and/or wise, I wanted them to know that this was more appearance than substance. I was 15 or 20 days sober....not 99 years. It helped me to keep my sharing "temporally" linked to my sober time. Most important though, the counting of days was something that got me focused on today, not yesterday or yesteryear, not tomorrow or infinity and beyond. Today.

Counting days can also be quite depressing, especially early on in the recovery process, when we seem totally unsure and/or incapable to stringing many of them together in a continuous line of days. I remember seeing people's names followed by numbers up on the Sobriety Birthday board at the Lafayette Hut shortly after I got sober: at first glance, I thought all of the numbers represented days, 6, 30, 48.... It wasn't too long before I realized that while some of those numbers represented days and some months, most represented years! Early in the process, I didn't really believe people who had years, especially lots of years. I only believed and trusted those who had days and months. They were like me. It didn't take me much longer to realize that all of these folks were like me and that they all had a first day, a first 30 days, etc. Some, but not all, had only one first day, one first 30 days, etc. But we all shared that we had some number of days and weren't ashamed or fearful of letting people know how many days we had sober. We let them know so that they could get to know us better and could be more helpful.

I heard someone say (or maybe this is my own original thought, who knows...plagiarism has become quite a habit in this program) that it's best to count days backwards. That is, instead of saying that I have 7 years, 6 months and 27 days.... It's better to count them backwards, starting with now.

I'm sober today, 26 days, 6 months and 7 years. And while I'm proud of the months and years --- today is the only one that really matters to me.

I'm sober today. Start off with that. Always!

Take care!

Mike L.

Character Trait Building

I've been feeling particularly grateful in recent days for the fact that none of my sponsors saw fit to over-emphasize the importance of dedicating lots of effort toward 'removing one's character defects.'

Earle told me very early in my recovery process that he strongly believed that many people rush too quickly into the 4th step process. He said that most of us come into these rooms pretty well beaten up, demoralized, ashamed and guilty beyond comprehension. In his less than humble opinion (that's normal I suppose for someone with 48 years sober...), people would be better off waiting about a year before beginning the 4th step process. Of course, if there was something heavy troubling you, don't hesitate to talk that out with someone....but other than that just focus on staying sober, connecting with others in this fellowship and working the first 3 steps. I took that advice, and ran with it! (Didn't really begin focusing on the 4th step until just before Earle's death, 14 months after I got sober.)

After that advice was given, whenever the topic of character defects would come up though, I got the clear impression that Earle was not much into what seemed to be the AA character removal bandwagon. That isn't to say that he didn't see great healing power in the process of self-knowledge and understanding, or the process of honest self-disclosure to another human being---he certainly did. He was a psychiatrist for Christ's sake!

I think what troubled him (and me) about all the emphasis and emotional effort being placed into character defects was the almost gleeful way people talked about how bad they were and had been in the past. "You think you were bad? Listen to this badder story about me!" And also on how formalistic or legalistic the 4th step process had become---people were so busy thinking in terms of 'form' (where's your fourth column? did you write it all down? did you include all the sexual stuff?) that they paid little attention to the substance of self-reflection and remorse....

No, Earle didn't spend much time on defects of character. In some sense, he didn't even believe in their existence. "Mike," he would often say, "you are perfect just the way you are. You don't need to change anything at all. Don't even waste your time trying."

Looking back now, I see that I haven't spent much time at all in the last seven years worrying about getting rid of those pesky defects of character. So you might wonder, whatever happened to those defects? Or as Dr. Phil would say, "So, how's that working for you Mike?". Well, it's working fine -- thank you for asking.

The defects which were grabbing most of my (and my wife's!) attention are still there, alive and well.... But they appear to be less harmful to me and others, less glaring, less annoying, less fearful, less shameful, less burdensome.

They seem to be melting. Dying from a lack of attention. Instead, I am learning to be more kind, compassionate, passionate, gentle, forgiving, humble, funny, light-hearted....loving and loved.
Character trait building has been very good for me. I think i'll keep going down this path.

Take care!

Mike L.

Humility vs Humiliation

Humility happens during those brief moments when we become willing to learn, when we are open to the truth about who we are. Humiliation is when our truth is prematurely disclosed to us in front of others.



A friend of mine in the program came up to me before a meeting last week and asked if he could talk to me outside for a minute. He is a little over a year sober and he had a problem and didn't know what to do. For some reason, he thought I was someone who, in addition to his sponsor, might have some good counsel. He'd heard me chair for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he told the group that he'd heard me talk in meetings before but had never heard my story. After hearing my story, he shared, in front of God and everyone, that if he ever needed a new sponsor, I would be on the short list. I was deeply honored. And to be honest, a little embarrassed.


Anyway, his problem was involving someone he considers a friend in recovery: apparently, this other person has been doing some things in meetings that my friend is finding very troubling. I'm not going to go into the details here as some people who read this blog know me and my meetings. There's a thousand ways to trample on other people's privacy. I know, I think I've trampled in at least 999 ways....unwittingly. But an unwitting trample is just as harmful as a witting one.

After listening to the basics of this problematic situation, I had several ideas for how he could proceed: First, he might want to talk about this with his sponsor before doing anything. He might want to try taking the time to think/pray about this. [This problem has some urgency in that it appears the friend he's dealing with is "escalating" in their problematic behaviors...and it seems to me that if something isn't done relatively soon, that friend might very well drink or worse.]

In addition, I suggested that I were in his shoes, I would first want to look into myself to see where this type of behavior (stealing) exists and has existed in his own life. How is/has he dealt with his own dishonesty?

Ultimately, he should ponder: What can I do that would be helpful to this other person? What responsibilities do I have to the people being harmed by this behavior?

He could ask to talk to this person and tell her that he was concerned about her and wanted to know if she was ok. And then, if it felt right, to tell her what he'd seen. The main thing, in my view, was to try and be as kind as possible. Do this without judgment. Whatever's going on, I subscribe to the belief that "we did then what we knew how to do, when we knew better--we did better". Obviously then, she's in a situation in her life where the only thing she knows how to do is take what she's taking/stealing. There's no need to create shame or guilt in her---trust me, it's already there in spades.

The meeting was then beginning, so I told him that I still wanted to think about this and get back to him. I thought it was a difficult position for him to be in with only a year sober. He then decided to tell me who it was that he was talking about and the floor went out from under me. The person he was talking about was a close friend of mine in the program. I was absolutely shocked. I went into the meeting stunned and my mind was reeling. I didn't hear much of the chair (I'd heard this guy's story many times...) --- but as my mind wandered, all sorts of things started to fall into place and the reality of this situation started "ringing true." All sorts of little things started connecting together in my mind, all indicating that this friend was in serious trouble emotionally and that if something isn't done soon, it could easily take a severe turn for the worse.

During the meeting, I did share on the topic of Humility and the distinction I've learned in these rooms between Humility and Humiliation. That humility is a moment when you're willing to learn truth and that humiliation is where truth is prematurely disclosed to you...in front of God and everyone. I shared that I was presented with a very challenging problem just before the meeting and that I was feeling very very humbled by this problem: I simply did not really know what to do. And I was afraid of causing harm to another person I loved. And that I was equally afraid that were I to do nothing, the same or worse harm would come to that same person. And then I shared with them that this is such a difficult problem, I might just break down and actually talk about this with my sponsors. They laughed. They know me.

For the last several days, I've continued to ponder about this problem. Have talked to a few close friends in the program and am going to see my sponsor shortly... I even talked about this situation with my son on the day he completed 8 years clean. He was very helpful. He's a tremendously kind person and very serious about his program.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I imagined several scenarios for my talking with this friend. The scenario that felt most right was to sit her down for a serious talk where we won't be interrupted and we have some privacy (a public park...). I want to tell her that I've been hearing some things being said about her, from people I trust and respect. That I'm very concerned about her and want to convey one thing to her right now: I love her with all my heart and soul. Not in any bullshit romantic/sexual way, but as a fellow human being in recovery. And that this love is such that there is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that she could ever do or say that would lessen or harm or extinguish that love. I have absolute trust and confidence that she is doing the best she can in the circumstances in which she finds herself...and that if she knew of better things to do, she'd do them. I know from my own past and present that there are times when I do things that break some or all of my moral codes and my sense of right and wrong --- I do them oftentimes out of fear and hopelessness and despair. And often, there are some behaviors which seem to get worse and worse through a never ending series of bad actions followed by guilt/remorse/shame, followed by the very same (or worse) bad actions, followed by guilt/remorse/shame, etc. etc. etc.

And depending on her reaction, I might just very well end it there and tell her that if she ever wants to talk about anything that's troubling her, I'd be willing to listen. I don't really think I need to go into the details of what people are saying, that's really none of her or my business. But if she pushes on that issue, I might very well disclose the basic concerns people are having and what they think they've seen her doing...

That seems right to me now. I'll run it by one of my sponsors (maybe even all three! I really wish Earle was here so I could get his take on this!) before doing anything.

Take care!

Mike

Separate Lives: Life and Recovery?

Yesterday I attended a rare-for me-NA meeting. It was what's called a "dreamcatcher" meeting that they have whenever someone in that fellowship dies. The format is fairly typical for an NA meeting with all the normal readings, the differences are: (1) the chairs are setup in a big circle and in the middle of the circle sits an empty chair and (2) all of the sharing is centered on people's memories and thoughts and feelings about the person who died. The empty chair helps people remember why we're meeting: someone we love is no longer going to be sitting in one of our chairs. Yesterday's dreamcatcher meeting was for a man, Jerry B., who died a few weeks ago after a long battle with cancer. Jerry was my son's "grand-sponsor" and based on what I heard yesterday, was a man deeply involved in the NA fellowship and recovery.

The meeting yesterday also had one other difference from regular NA meetings: the meeting was recorded for the benefit of Jerry's wife. Jerry's wife had asked my son's sponsor if she would record what was said at Jerry's dreamcatcher meeting so that she could learn something about Jerry's life in recovery. She told Sabrina that Jerry kept his recovery life separate and apart from their marriage and family life. She knew that he was very involved in NA, both in service and in sponsoring people. But she really didn't know much about Jerry's recovery life. So before the meeting began, Sabrina explained the request and that the recording would be given only to Jerry's wife for her use only. It would not be shared with anyone else. It was one of those few business issues that I ever saw resolved with absolute unanimity: no one objected to this rather unusual request.

I wanted to speak yesterday, not so much to those present in the room---but to Marie, Jerry's wife. Given that I too have chosen to keep my recovery life pretty much separate and apart from my life with my wife and family, this whole thing with Jerry and his wife really struck a chord with me. While there are parts of me that yearn for a "full transparency" between my wife and I in terms of what I do in the context of my recovery, that has not happened yet and I'm not really sure it ever will.

And one of my biggest concerns about this dual life that I've chosen is that my life will eventually come to an end and should my wife survive me (and this is certainly my hope!) she may come to know much about me and my secret life that might cause her to wonder why I kept all this "secret" and "hidden" from her. Did I not trust her? Was I closer to these recovery folks than to her? How much time did I devote to my recovery and wasn't all that time "taken away" from my ability to have time with her? What would happen were they to have a dreamcatcher meeting for me and my wife was able to sit and listen to what people shared about their memories of me and what I may have done to help them at some point or to bring a smile or laugh or tear.

So yesterday I wanted to speak so badly that I almost went up to talk, but by the time I did, the meeting was over. I was glad that Pat was able to go up to the microphone to talk (only at the gentle pushing of his sponsor...) and share with others why Jerry meant so much to him. Jerry made the room "safe" for Pat. He learned quickly that Jerry had no expectation for Pat to do anything --- if Pat had a desire to get or remain clean -- Jerry had his back. For a variety of reasons, Pat has not always felt "safe" in the world or in NA meetings. But Pat always felt safe when Jerry was there. You see, Jerry was a Vietnam Vet and he loved to "blow things up". And not fire crackers. But he loved NA and the NA fellowship and helped many many people during his recovery life.

What I wanted to say to Marie is that I have no doubt that Jerry loved her and her family with all his heart and soul. He didn't love them "less" or NA "more." But for whatever reason, Jerry made a choice to keep his life separated or compartmentalized: his family life and his recovery life. I have done the same.

The reasons are complex and I haven't got them all sorted out yet, but the basic reason I've gone down this path is related to the fact that I am basically insecure with myself and don't have the ability to see things as black or white, right or wrong. Every thing's a shade of gray for me. My wife's the exact opposite in many ways. Everything seems clear to her. She knows what's right and what's wrong. She tends to state things as though they are fact, whereas I tend to give you my opinion and tell you not to worry, my opinion will probably be different next time we talk.

So once I got sober and started feeling my way through the ins and outs of AA life, I was very insecure and frightened. There were more than a few AAs who had very strong opinions about the "right way to do AA" and they all scared the shit out of me. The more I listened to them, the more I began to think that I'd somehow gotten hooked into some sort of cult. Within a month or two, I began to wonder seriously if I was going to be able to stay a part of this organization without having to betray my own sense of self and beliefs. Then I met Dr. Earle and everything changed for me. I was given permission to be me. Told that I didn't have to do or believe anything that I wasn't comfortable with. And that AA would be less than what it could be if I were to back away from being who I was and from saying what I believed.

I think the main reason that I've kept these two lives separate is that I needed a safe place to grow up as a man and as a human being. I'd gotten off track in the process well back into my early years and then I began drinking, I lost all sense of who I was and what was right or wrong. My recovery life is that safe place where I've been trying to grow up as a man. That isn't to say that there is no "cross-over" traffic between the two lives: there most certainly is.

I know that my life in recovery is somewhat "artificial and unreal". It's no more than an hour or two each day, either in meetings or working with a sponsee or reading/writing as I am now. My life with my wife and children, my work, that's my real life. And if I want to know how well my recovery is or isn't working, I don't look into my recovery life to answer that question: I look to my relationship with my wife, my children and those with whom I work. That's where the fruit of my recovery work will exist or be absent.

If you want to know how well my recovery work is doing, don't ask me or my sponsees, or my sponsor and certainly don't ask all those people who hear me talking in meetings! No, those are not the people to ask. The person to ask is my wife. How's Mike's program working? That's who knows. She knows me better than anyone in the entire world. She knows me more than any one of my three sponsors or any of my sponsees. When I'm bullshitting everyone else in the world, including myself, she'll know the truth of the matter. And I doubt she'll be all that shy about telling you.

That said, I'll never forget the time when Nancy came home from a night out with a group of women that she regularly met with for several years on Tuesday nights. She came home and she told me that all these women thought that I was the perfect husband. She was looking at me for some response, so I laughed, "Well, did you explain to them the truth about me?" She nodded and said that she did and they still thought I was perfect. And then she blew me away by saying, "And they are right: you are the perfect husband!" I thanked her but couldn't help but wonder aloud that "If I really was the perfect husband, then why was she always seeming to bug me about all my flaws: not picking up my socks, not putting down the lid after going to the bathroom, not putting my dishes in the dishwasher, etc."

She laughed and said that while I was perfect, there was no reason why she couldn't try to tweak me into a little bit more perfect of a husband. I decided not to argue the faulty math of that philosophy and just accept the wonderful admiration of a woman that I loved with all my heart and soul. I was about 5 years sober that night and there is no question in my mind that had I not done every single thing I had been doing in my recovery life, that my wife would not have been holding me in such high regard. I know too that if I want to continue having such a wonderful "real" life, that I need to continue being vigilant about my recovery and all that that life entails.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Habit of Making a Gratitude List: Advanced Version

I know many in AA who have found benefit by routinely making list of things in their life for which they feel grateful. It seems to help overcome a natural tendency many recovering alcoholics have toward self-pity and poor poor me attitudes, particularly when we're still beset with cravings for outside solutions to inside problems.

Writing down the good things in our lives helps us keep the so-called bad things in perspective and right-sized. I remember sharing this conventional AA wisdom with Dr. Earle sometime in my first couple of months of sobriety. I'd already learned to cherish this old man's unconventional views on what seemed to being pitched by many as the "right way" to do AA. At the time, I wasn't yet comfortable or confident in my own sometime dissonant views of recovery or of AA and listening to this particular old man, who'd taken his last drink two days before I was born (6/15/1953), was something I could never get enough of....

I'd expected Earle to poo-poo the idea of making gratitude lists, but he surprised me. I thought he'd downplay the practice because it seemed to me to be yet another subtle attempt by AAs to change their feelings because they were 'bad' and/or to artificially bring about the experience of so-called 'good' feelings.

While he nodded in agreement with these concerns of mine, it didn't deter him from finding potential benefit in the practice or exercise of making gratitude lists. He simply said that many people in AA had found great benefit in that routine practice. That seemed enough for him, but I suspected there was more to it.

Though he's long gone now (he died in January 2003 when I was almost 14 months sober...), I've been thinking about him recently and how what I learned from him might help me develop a new version or method in writing a gratitude list. One that might avoid the suspect path of trying to be or feel something other than was we are or what we feel. I'm confident Earle would like this new way of making a gratitude list, so I will dedicate it to him now and assume his blessing.

The basic idea is to make two lists: the first is the typical gratitude list of things for which was are grateful: things like being sober, being in relationships that are nurturing, having a job, having a friend, being alive, being healthy, etc. These are all things that we "feel" grateful for, things that we see good in. Things that we are thankful for. For our ability to love, to be kind, to be honest, to be forgiving, to be compassionate.

When that list is as long as you can make it, then start a second list of all the things that you don't feel grateful for, that you resent, that you regret, that make you sad. Things you grieve over. Things you wish hadn't happened in the past or things that you wish weren't happening now. For example, some alcoholics wish that they weren't alcoholics. If that's one of your regrets, write it down. It's ok, no one's looking. It's your list. Other regrets might be things that you might have said or done in the past which might have hurt you or others. Things which no amends seem to wipe from your memory. Memories of actions or deeds which make us wince now. The death of someone you loved (or hated). Let loose! Give yourself permission to remember (remember means to put the pieces of a human being back together: to re-member one whose had their members removed) back to all those "bad" things in our past or in our current experience. You might be without a job right now. You might have just ended a special relationship. If you don't have true gratitude for it, write it down. Think of the most annoying flaws in the person you love the most in the world: things you've been wanting them to change since the very beginning of your relationship.

The next step to the process takes time and is going to be different for each person. The next task is to become aware of the fact that nothing in our first list would be possible were it not for each of the things in the second list. In my experience, there are direct links between each of the items in my "bad" regrets list and each of the items in my "good" things list. The fact that I'm sober, which means everything to me now, would mean nothing were it not for the fact that I was a drunk and that I did every stupid and shameful act that I did when I was drinking or when I was "dry".

The sadness that I have over the fact that my father died of alcoholism years before I got sober, was the very foundation of the joy I felt when I sat across from my son and told him that while he had been getting clean and sober for the last year, I had been drinking on a daily basis and that I finally understood that I was an alcoholic and that I was going to try and do what my son had been doing successfully for five months: try to stay sober one day at a time. The joy when he smiled back at me and said, "Gee, Dad, that's great! We're BOTH addicts!" --- would simply not have been there were it not grounded in the knowledge of my own father's addiction and ultimate death due to this disease. His death wasn't a failure, it was a consequence. And one other consequence from his death was that I knew in my heart what laid before me if I continued doing what I was doing.

My wife's overly critical eye has been the bane of my existence since shortly after we got married over 28 years ago. It's only recently (by means of this gratitude process...) that I've been able to see that part of what annoys me about her critical eye is that she has pretty damn good eye sight! That is, much of her criticism of me is right on the money. Part of what I don't always understand about her is that she most likely saves her most harsh criticism not for me, but for herself. She beats herself relentlessly, although quietly and to herself alone. In comparison, her criticism of me is mild and gentle. To be honest with myself, much that I have accomplished and improved in my life is a direct result of her assistance and guidance. I'm basically a slug.

For me, the benefit of this two step process in making a Gratitude List is that gradually the items in these separate lists begin to meld together into one list. All is Good. Everything is perfect, just they way it is, has been and will be.

One day when Earle and I were waiting for the meeting to begin, he asked me how I was doing. I was only a few months sober --- so I lied: I told him that I was doing fine. He laughed and said to me, "You wouldn't lie to an old man like me, would you?" I smiled and answered, "Well, apparently I would!" I told him that I was regretting the fact that it took me so long to get sober and that I'd caused a lot of harm and hurt along the way, in particular with my wife and kids.

He nodded with sympathy and then told me that "Were it not for every single drink that you took in your life, every single drunk, every single stupid and hurtful thing that you did while drunk or sober....you would not be sitting here right now. And, were it not for every single drink that I (Earle) took in my life, every single drunk, every single stupid and hurtful thing that I did while drunk or sober in my life....I would not be sitting here right now. So if all of that hadn't happened in each of our lives, neither of us would have come to be right here, right now. And if that's true, then how can any of what has happened to either of us be bad?"

The meeting then began and my life had changed once again.

Take care!

Mike L.

Create Your Own Concept of God

I was at a noon meeting today and the topic was "Love." A guy who just picked up his 6 month chip shared that he was working on his 3rd step and was feeling some love from and for his Higher Power, but that he was struggling with some "hate" that he still had toward his higher power. Hate was what he felt when he thought about the "fact" that his God had created him to be an alcoholic and that ended up resulting in much pain and suffering, not only for this guy but also for many other victims strewn along the path of his life.

I talked to him after the meeting and shared with him that in my view, one of the great things about AA is the fact that if there's something you hate about your Higher Power, you can change it! You can come up with a new understanding of your higher power. That's one of the main things that distinguishes AA from religions or cults: In a religion, if your concept of "their" God gets too far out of whack, they excommunicate you. In a cult, if your concept of "their" God gets too far out of whack, they kill you. In AA, they listen to you and most often nod their head in understanding and laugh (or cry) along with you.

I then shared with him my own personal God Myth: In the beginning, there was God and nothing else. God was lacking Love, because Love requires an "other" to love. And since there wasn't anything but God, God was very very lonely. So, out of Love, God created. God created all things. And in each "thing" God tried to place a spark of Love in such a way that God could escape the terrible loneliness that God experienced since the beginning of time. There were sparks of Love placed in all forms of existence, dirt, stones, water, light, planets, stars and animals and human beings. Lots of experimentation in this process.

It wasn't until God discovered that Love requires that the "other" have the freedom to choose between right and wrong, good and evil...that the "other" attains the ability or capacity to return Love to the creator. Without free will, there can be no Love.

And once there was free will, then there began the whole waterfall of consequences to each act of free will: both good and bad, both hate and love, both harm and healing. One right after the other.

In my myth, this is about the time when God stopped "doing" things. Once things got started with people making free choices, there was nothing left to do but watch and wait. For God to intervene after the gift of free will, God would return to the lonely existence he'd found escape from by creating others with the freedom to choose from a wide array of choices and to suffer/benefit from such choices and to inflict blessings/harms to all those around and after them.

So my God's one who just sits and watches. Hurting with the hurt and the hurters. Laughing. Crying. Laughing. Waiting for the Beloved to be what they were created to be: Beloved.

In my myth of God, I have no hatred or anger toward God. Certainly no anger over the fact that I became an alcoholic! I have nothing but gratitude for my becoming an alcoholic for were it not for that blessing, I wouldn't be where I am today, right now, right here. No. I'd be back in the lonely and isolated existence that I'd come to know at the very end of my drinking career. Interesting isn't it? The ending of my drinking placed me in the same lonely existence that my God experienced before coming upon the idea of creating another with a spark of Love and freedom to choose....

Take care!

Mike L.