So, What Do You Mean By That?

Last week my son taught me something that I think I'm going to have a hard time learning. When someone says something that I strongly disagree with, he suggests that rather than arguing with them or trying to convince them of the incorrectness of their view (or the correctness of my own) that I simply ask them, "So, what do you mean by that?"

I can't remember what it is I was recounting to my son, but when I had explained what had happened and how poorly my own response had worked, I was stunned by the wisdom of his simple approach. Rather than argue, just ask them what they mean? Word by word if necessary.

Recently, I have gotten embroiled in a testosterone laced argument with another recovery blogger over the issue of whether alcoholism is a disease or a choice. I grabbed on to the word "disease" and he grabbed on to the word "choice" and we started beating each other over the head with our words, getting absolutely nowhere.

In one of our exchanges, he stated that the only thing he and I agreed with is that alcoholism is an allergy. I glossed over that statement until this morning when I realized that I'm not at all clear what the distinction is between something being an allergy but not a disease. I've always considered allergy to be a type or example of a disease. That is, an alcohol allergy is a type of disease.

I guess I should follow my son's advice and ask this guy, "So, what do you mean by disease?" How can alcoholism not be a disease but still be an allergy? And, what do you mean by alcoholism being a "choice"? What choice does the alcoholic have? Drink? Not drink? Can an alcoholic choose to drink "like" a non-alcoholic?

I hate it when my son forgets his role as student and becomes better teacher than dad.

Take care! I've got to go back to school.

Mike L.

Just in Case You Didn't Know...

I really do love Alcoholics Anonymous. I really do.

I was reading another recovery blog yesterday and it contained a long diatribe against the "disease concept" of alcoholism and interwoven into the argument were constant negative shots against AA. I am very aware of the ongoing dispute between those who believe alcoholism is a "disease" and those for whom this is a "choice". But what struck me was that the author was so adamant in his dislike of AA. There was nothing good in it and nothing good has come from it.

I then looked at my own blog, especially my recent "dumbest things heard in AA meeting" blogs and realized that I might be coming across in the same way. I do love AA no matter how much I might want to distance myself from some of those who understand AA to be something far different than it is for me. But you see, that's why I love AA so much. It allows me to continue being a full fledged member while I speak up against some of what I consider to be distortions in how it's being played out by other members. I really think this is the first group where I might be able to stay!

One thing that the article's author said of AA is that it has certain "dogma" that members must believe. While I know that there may be certain beliefs that some members or groups would be unanimous in supporting or disputing, the fact is that there are no dogmas in AA. There's nothing you can believe that would get you excommunicated from AA. Nothing. Worse case is that a particular group might vote you out of their meeting, but there's nothing keeping you from going to another meeting or, for that matter, starting another meeting on your own. All you need to do is find another suffering alcoholic with a desire to stop drinking --- and with enough patience to deal with your bullshit. I suspect that you'll need to lay down your sword in terms of whatever burr you have up your saddle long enough to reach out to this other alcoholic who is struggling with the life and death issue of how to stop drinking. But that will be within your reach if you want to do it.

I've belonged to organizations which have dogmas and they've never gone over well with me. AA's the first organization which seems to have a unlimited level of tolerance for those with different beliefs and/or ways of seeing things. While most members of AA will probably side with the "disease" concept, I'm sure that there will be a significant number who would love to sit down with other alcoholics who have come to an opposite conclusion on this matter. Me for example.

I certainly see where the disease argument can be misused to escape personal responsibility for our actions. While I personally don't think I chose to be an alcoholic, I did freely choose to drink alcohol. At some point, I think that my freedom to choose to drink started to diminish due to the disease of alcoholism: that is, my body was reacting differently to alcohol than the body of a non-alcoholic. That said, I can still agree with the "choice" view of things: I was choosing to drink even though I had the disease of alcoholism. For me, it was more of an issue of "diminished capacity" to make a free choice.

Anyway, I wanted to clarify where I stand with AA today. My blog has been a safe place for me to talk about some things that bother me about AA or about other AAers --- but nothing I've said here in cyberspace is something that I haven't already said in AA meetings. And in most all of the meetings I go into, I feel like Norm walking into Cheers. I'm welcomed.

I go to a large number of meetings each week and in addition to those which I consider my "home groups" I also go to meetings where I'm not known or to meetings where I'm sure to disagree with the general outlook of those present. I like going into such meetings, not to be disagreeable (there's really no point in doing that!) but to feel apart of that fellowship, to listen to other views, to find tolerance and acceptance within myself and within others. But mostly, because I'm in need of being around other suffering alcoholics.

And I've found that there's a very high probability of finding such suffering alcoholics in AA meetings. Haven't found one yet without at least one other suffering alcoholic.

So, if I haven't said it often enough: thank you Bill and Dr. Bob! The miracle that happened around that kitchen table has continued to grow and multiply and it's in large part due to the basic guidelines you two fashioned way back when.

Take care.

Mike L.

Yet Another Dumbest Thing I've Heard in a AA Meeting

I guess this is becoming something of an ongoing series, Dumbest Things I've Heard in AA Meetings. This will be volume 3 or the 15th Dumbest Thing: I Finally Got Tired of Working "My Program" and Started Working "The Program" (as found in the 1st 164 pages of the Book) of Alcoholics Anonymous. Once someone makes this statement, either about themselves or about someone else (e.g., are you tired of working "your program" yet? If so, maybe you'd like to try "the program of AA"?) they then point out the specifics of "the program" which will usually be something along these lines: work the steps, get a sponsor, get a higher power and get into service. Well, if that's the program as defined in the 1st 164 pages, then we'll need to take out the "get a sponsor" piece of the program because the word "sponsor" or "sponsorship" isn't to be found in the 1st 164 pages. So much for "The Program".

The idea that there is a single and narrowly defined program of AA irks me no end and seems go against the very foundations of what Bill, Dr. Bob and the early members of AA discovered to work. It's clear to me (I suppose as clear as the opposite view is to those who disagree with me) that the program that's outlined in the book is very generalized and designed to be customized by each person who decides to try it out.

As an organization, we've had no reticence in letting other 12 step fellowships take these steps and use them in other non-alcoholic contexts. Take 'em! Use them in any way that you find works for you! And isn't it strange that this dogmatic view of AA is not found in any official AA literature? Why's this narrow view of AA's program limited only to stories about single individuals and what they said to someone sometime?

In fact, I most recently read about an instance of this happening when someone who follows this blog went to her 2nd meeting and was approached by an oldtimer who asked her if she was tired of working "her program"? What was strange to me is that except for that one idiot, this woman heard all sorts of good and encouraging things said at that meeting: but it seems all she walked away with was the narrowness of this one guy's view and how uncomfortable it made her feel. She'd almost completely forgotten all the good things she had heard in that same meeting.

Find out what works for you and what does not. We can't tell you what to do because (1) that doesn't seem to work for people like us (and we are all about effectiveness!) and (2) we aren't you and what works for any one of us might get you drunk! All I can tell you is what has (and hasn't) worked for me. All "we" can tell you is what has worked for many of us --- but that's not to say that it will work for you. But it might. And you might want to give this a shot if what you've been trying hasn't been working for you. We've got lots of suggestions, so if one thing doesn't work, keep listening and you may hear someone tell your story and it might include some other tool that will work for you.

Or, think completely outside of the box: that's what Bill and Dr. Bob did. And that's what they suggested that others do on page 164: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us." Why is it that we're afraid to admit that we know only a little? That new things might be disclosed to us and others? Or even that old things might actually work (or not work)? We're a fearful lot.

Thank God we don't have to do this alone. Or perfectly. Or the exact way that others do it.

Find your program. Find your Truth. I think that you'll find that most of us a sitting here cheering you on and hoping that you find something that works for you and that when you do find something that does work, that you'll share it with us so that we might give it a shot ourselves. So go ahead and think outside the box. And don't be afraid of thinking in the box either. Who knows, it (whatever that is) might very well work. Even though "sponsor" is not in the first 164 pages, it has been something that has been helpful to me.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Steps' Hidden Principles: An Addendum

Several weeks ago, I wrote a blog called "The Steps Hidden Principles" (http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com/2009/06/steps-hidden-principles.html) and I received an anonymous comment stating:

"Where as (sic) I think some of your thoughts are some what poetic with regards to a mystical "interpretation" to the term ..." practice these principals... (sic) " they are not accurate. Bill did not like to repeat himself by using the same word to describe something over and over again. He would substitute another word. If you read the steps carefully by the time you get to step twelve the "principals" (sic) are the twelve steps in their entirety. In other parts of the book the term is used differently. I do thank you for your spiritual insight and understanding."

What struck me most about the comment was that it spoke with some sort of authority: specifically when the author claimed that my interpretation of the Book was inaccurate. I have to admit, that got my adrenaline pumping. I immediately started fashioning an argument in rebuttal, but then I realized that I don't have any more authority than this anonymous person making the comment. I have reassessed my interpretation, carefully re-read the Steps as they are summarized in How It Works, and have decided to stick with my original interpretation.

While I am fully aware of Bill's various writing quirks, including the frequent use of a Thesaurus to find synonyms (e.g., "defects of character" and then "shortcomings"), it's my belief that in the case of his use of the words "steps" and "principles" this was not one of those instances. Unlike Defects and Shortcomings, Steps and Principles simply aren't synonyms. They don't mean the same thing. Steps are more time-based and linear (do this, then that...); Principles are more mystical and timeless (truths). (NOTE to "Anonymous": maybe that's why my writing on this issue seems so "mystical" and maybe even uncomfortable to you?)

As I see it, the steps outline a process of recovery from the disease of alcoholism. They seem to be capable of being done in time, one after another (or maybe not in order). In my personal experience, what happened as I went through each step in the process, I discovered various truths about life and others, but most importantly, truths about myself. It's these truths that I consider to be the principles hidden in these steps.

But as I noted elsewhere, when we share these steps with others, we share them as "reports of action taken rather than as commandments to be followed" (A Member's Eye View of AA). So if Anonymous and all of the other members of AA want to consider Steps = Principles, that's perfectly OK with me. I don't feel isolated at all because I'm not alone. I'm with others who have differing opinions than me.

I'm fond of saying that while the 10th Tradition asserts that AA has no opinion about outside issues, the truth of the matter is that in regards to inside issues, all the members have is opinions. There are no doctrines for which we would have to expel or excommunicate should someone disagree with such strongly held beliefs. There really is no authority in AA other than "whatever works for you." To test this theory: disagree with it. Aren't we both still full fledged members of AA? Is there really any belief that rises to the level that should someone disagree with it, they'd involuntarily outside of the fellowship of AA? I think not.

Take care!

Mike L.

Two 12 Step Calls: Two Ends of the Spectrum

In the last couple of days, I had the opportunity to help two suffering alcoholics: one who was trying to get sober and the other trying to die sober. When Bill writes in the 12x12 about the 12th Step, he states in the first paragraph that the "theme of the 12th step is the joy of living". And then in the last paragraph of that chapter, he states that "the joy of good living is theme of the 12th step." (emphasis added.) I have always been struck how most people, when asked to talk about the 12th step, normally talk about what they've done or are doing to carry the AA message to suffering alcoholics. Few seem to talk about this "joy of living" --- and I've never heard anyone talk about the "joy of good living". But after these two recent 12 step encounters, I want to talk about the joy of good living that I am experiencing. I'm not sure what color this cloud is, but it's wonder-full.

As I mentioned in a recent blog, I ran into a friend this last Saturday who's been coming to AA for about 4 1/2 years but not able to get more than 10 months continuous sobriety during that period of time. When he sat next to me at the meeting Saturday, he told me right away that he'd had another relapse and consistent with all his relapses in the last 4 1/2 years, he ended up in the Emergency Room. After that meeting, he and I kept running into each other at different places in town: the car wash and later at a oil change station. I was trying to be as helpful to him as I could, but wasn't never quite sure what the right words were to help him. He already had a sponsor (one that he's had for the last 4 1/2 years and one that is pretty well respected in the AA community) and I was hesitant to do or say anything that would get inbetween the two of them or to give him the impression that I was wanting to be his sponsor. It was quite perplexing for me because inside, my judgment was telling me that (1) his relationship with his current sponsor didn't appear to be working and (2) that I really did believe that I'd be a good and helpful sponsor for him. He trusted me from almost our first meeting about 4 years ago.

Anyway, I got a call from him Tuesday night and he told me that he was in trouble and needed help. He "confessed" that he'd been lying to me as to his current sobriety date and that he'd continued to drink since being released from the hospital about 10 days ago. But the immediate trouble he was worried about was that his wife was coming over to see him that evening and he had the uneasy feeling that she was bringing bad news. He asked me to come over and be there for support. He understood perfectly why she would and should give up on him --- but he wasn't sure he could survive the blow, with or without alcohol. He'd already asked his wife if she would mind my being there --- she welcomed my attendance as she'd heard about me from her husband over the last couple of years. She apparently didn't get along well with her husband's current sponsor and thought I might be helpful.

I don't want to go into the detail here, but suffice it to say I talked a lot, mostly to him but also to his wife --- he listened, she kept nodding her head in agreement. And then I saw a mental shift happen: there was a moment where the who tone and direction of the evening shifted away from him "trying to stop drinking...again" toward a willingness to "stop stopping" and then to trying "to stay sober". When that happened, I told him what I saw and he agreed. We made a plan for staying sober the rest of that evening and the following morning. Today he's well into his second day of sobriety.

The following day, I drove to Sacramento where I work and then went to a noon meeting. At the meeting, I realized that it was July and that an old timer that I'd come to know up there was soon going to be celebrating 45 years sober. Fred is a cantankerous old fart who got sober on July 5, 1964. I'd call him an ex-Marine only to see him go into attack mode. He'd moved to Sacramento about 4 years ago -- and he was mad as hell that his wife (10 years less sober than he) made him leave San Antonio so that she could be closer to her children. Hell, we didn't do AA right!

I quickly befriended him. This was shortly after Dr. Earle's death and somehow being helpful to this 91 year old man was therapeutic for me, I think even more therapeutic than it was for him. It was probably a toss up. We became close. He jokingly referred to me and another relative newcomer, Eric (note: Fred thought anyone with less than 20 years sobriety was a newcomer...) as his "sponsors" because we were always correcting him (my god, he could never get his number of years sober right! I was always having to correct him, No, Fred, you don't have 42 years yet....you have 41. That would piss him off and he'd reach in his pocket for his chip and shove it toward me arguing that he really was 42 years. But the chip was on my side. It became a running joke in the meetings and I slowly fell in love with him in a way similar to the way I'd fallen, albeit more instantaneous, in love with Earle.

About a year and a half ago, Fred's wife had to place Fred in a skilled nursing facility which specializes in patients with Alzheimer's....which was Fred had. That was why he was forgetting his sobriety date. I hadn't seen Fred since and felt tremendous guilt over that. I talked to Eric and we decided to make a road trip down to see Fred. We would take him a 45 year chip and hope that he remembered that he was still an alcoholic and, with some minimal hope that he would remember either of us.

Well, we walked into his room and he was sitting on his bed waiting to see who his visitors were... They had prepared him for us coming, but they didn't know anything about us other than we were friends of Fred. Well, he looked up at us standing at the door and his face lit up like a Christmas tree!! Oh my God, I thought you two were dead! Truth be told, at that point, I wasn't sure if he really recognized us or not: maybe we were Marine buddies of his for all I knew. But it became clear in moments that he did know who we were and that we'd lifted him out of some darkness and loneliness. We gave him his birthday card with the chip and he felt it and looked at us and said, what's inside the card? Condoms? I told him that there had been but they removed them at the security gate because they were embarrassingly too small.

When he saw the chip, he almost betrayed the Marine Corps and cried like a baby. And so did I. We reminisced for awhile. He mentioned his favorite prayers, The Lord's Prayer and the 23rd Psalm. I asked if he remembered the meeting where I told people about his love for the 23rd Psalm and that he and I then began reciting the 23rd Psalm together for the whole group. Well, he remembered and then he and I began reciting it again sitting there in his room on Thursday. So much for memory loss.

I've been walking around on a cloud, not sure what color and don't care, for the last couple of days. I think I've discovered the path to a life of Joy. A joyful path to a life of good living. It's being true to one's self and helping others. Especially other suffering alcoholics.

Take care!

Mike

Happiness: Emotional Sobriety

I was at one of my favorite Saturday morning meetings this last weekend and I ran into a good friend. I could tell as soon as I saw him walking toward where I was sitting that something was troubling him. Turns out he'd had another relapse and, as in most of his recent relapses, it involved the inevitable hospital stay.

He wrote me an email last night and sort of blurted out much of what was occupying his mind and heart. He made a comment that I've been unable to get out of my head since: he said that he'd be struggling to get and stay sober in AA for several years now and he's never been able to get more than 10 months of continuous sobriety. But that wasn't what grabbed my attention. It was the next comment that during those years of being in AA, he'd never really reached a point where he felt truly happy. He can picture the happiness that he felt at earlier times in his life, before alcohol became a problem. But he simply can't picture happiness within sobriety.

What I'm realizing today is that during my first 12 or so months of sobriety, I remember feeling that sober life was really not a substantial improvement in many areas of my life: particularly in terms of my relationship with my wife. We'd been married 20 years when I got sober and it was that first year of marriage that was, for me at least, the most difficult and challenging. Surely, in retrospect, that's because during the first 20 years I was able to resort to happiness shortcuts via alcohol whenever I needed to do that. But then, when I got sober, there were no more shortcuts to happiness. The pain of poor communication and totally inadequate relationship skills was real and frequent. I had some relief from this challenge when I was in meetings, but that didn't do much to improve the relationship. I was working the steps, but I was doing that very slowly.

Earle had cautioned me not to rush head long into the 4th step even though the popular AA opinion was to do just that. He said that we were all pretty beaten up and battered when I walked into the doors of AA and that the last thing we needed to do early on in our recovery was to spend substantial amounts of time writing down how awful we were and what was wrong with us. He suggested that I wait at least a year before considering working that step. I gladly obliged....and more than that. I delayed... Then my wife said something that got me moving forward again....

We were sitting in our living room along with our youngest daughter Rachel. In the course of our conversation, my wife looked over at me and said to Rachel, "Well, he's just a drunk!". She said it with a smile and it was clear to me that it wasn't said to be mean. It was just her acknowledging that I was an alcoholic. Rachel took umbrage though and came to my immediate defense --- as she often does --- she's something of my "Protector" in the family dynamic. She sternly told her mother, "He's not a drunk! He's a recovering alcoholic. So don't call him a drunk!"

My wife, refusing to take the bait of an argument with an unarmed teenage daughter, smiled and explained that she'd meant no offense to me. Rachel then chastised her by saying that "I'm proud of Dad and that he's been sober for almost a year and a half." My wife, with a dangerous smile that only I fear, laughed slightly and said, "I know Rachel, but I'm just wondering when he's going to change."

My wife's comment hit me square between the eyes. She was right. All I'd really accomplished during those 14 or 15 months of sobriety is "not drinking." I'd gotten pretty secure in the "not drinking" part of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I hadn't done much in terms of the inside work that supposedly makes longer term sobriety possible. I knew then that I was done wallowing in my 3rd Step and that the time had come for me to continue working through the remaining steps.

Sometime later, I think I had 3 1/2 years sober and had completed the steps, I was laying in bed one night doing my regular routine: reading a book and rubbing my wife's feet before going to sleep. Rubbing my wife's feet was something that began early in my sobriety when my ill-fated attempts to do a quick and easy 9th step amends with my wife failed miserably and I had to take the more difficult and time-consuming path of making a life long living amends with her: thus the rubbing of feet which goes on until this day and most likely until my death.

Anyway, one night I was reading and rubbing and she asked me a question out of the blue: "Mike, are you happy?"

Now, any of you who are men and married for any length of time know that this sort of question poses tremendous risks. You do not answer such questions with thoughtless haste. You ask yourself: what is it she's really wanting to know? But, unfortunately, her question was so simple and straightforward that even I couldn't invent any ulterior motives or hidden agendas. I quickly determined that she wanted to know exactly what she was asking me: Am I happy?

Not a question easily answered by me. I hadn't thought about this issue of happiness for years. I think that I'd resigned myself to the impossibility of happiness many years before and had given up trying or hoping for such a state of existence. There were times that I thought alcohol might provide the means of happiness: but such alcohol induced happy moments were never lasting or meaningful.

So: was I happy? It didn't take long to realize that I was basically happy and content. So, I turned around and told her that, Yes. I was basically content with my life and that I was really happy. There was nothing that I would change about my past or present.

Interestingly, this woman who only a year and a half before had commented on my not having changed after over a year of not drinking, now looked at me and smiled, "I thought so. That's why I asked." I laughed and went back to my reading and my rubbing.

I certainly don't feel happy, joyous and free every moment of every day. But I have a basic sense of satisfaction over the way my life is living out today. I'm certainly no where close to being done with my inside work. But I am ok with who I am. Right now. I'm grateful.

Is there a simple and straightforward path my friend can follow to achieve this same sort of happiness? No. And Yes.

No -- I think each person will need to find their own path in terms of dealing with the demons of the past, present and future. And I wouldn't characterize the path that I've found as "simple" or "straightforward." In addition to the 12 Steps, I've done many other things none of which have been recommended or suggested in the Big Book. My memory work is just one example of one of these tools that I've used on a regular basis to achieve the level of happiness that I've achieved. Talking things out in meetings or with other alcoholics. Sharing my struggles and secrets with my sponsors and other trusted AA friends. Writing blogs. Helping others with their struggles to get and stay sober. Being a sponsor. Meditating. Praying. Walking the dog. Emptying the trash. Putting down the lid.

And yes: there is a way of living that can bring a sense of happiness, peace and serenity. It is possible. But it takes time and lots of inside work. It takes failures. It takes commitments. And it takes failures. It takes persistence. It takes vigilance. It takes hope. And it takes despair.

As the author of "Everyday Commitments" writes at the end of his book, "All that matters is that we start over one more time that we give up; get cracking one more time than we pull away and keep going back to the drawing board one more time than we abandon it."

Take care!

Mike L.

Change

Over the last 7 years of sobriety, I've heard two seemingly contradictory messages: (1) to stay sober, you only have to change one thing: everything and (2) you're perfect just they way you are and you don't need to change anything. There are many authors/sources of the first message and only one or two sources for the second: two of my sponsors, Earle and Dave.

The first message scared me when I first started hearing it in my early recovery. That's because in the past, when I was still drinking, I had one primary agent for change: alcohol. Alcohol was my mechanism for changing everything: my wife, my kids, other people, my feelings, my perceptions, my reality, my self. If things were wrong (and they were ALWAYS wrong!), a drink (or two...) would quickly and magically change them and make them better. Or, at worst, the alcohol would make the problems unfeelable.

So after getting struck sober, hearing this message that if I really wanted to stay sober, I was going to have to buy into this commitment to changing everything. Even after I realized that the intent of this message was limited to changing myself and not others or other things --- it still terrified me.

That's about the time I met Earle --- who I've talked about here so much that I'm going to stop introducing him to you. If you're new to my blog, click on the "Dr. Earle" keywords on the right side of my blog and you can read past blogs where I've talked about this man in depth. Anyway, one of the first things that Earle passed on to me with the idea that "I am perfect just the way I am." He repeated this to me again and again and again... You're perfect, Mike! You don't need to change one damn thing. There is nothing wrong with you. This defect of character stuff is bullshit (he was 48 years sober at the time so I let him get away what that heresy...) and over talked about in AA. There's nothing "wrong" with being an alcoholic. What's "wrong" (or maybe, fruitless) is the attempt of an alcoholic to try existing as a non-alcoholic. That's dumb and deadly. I can't drink alcohol like a non-alcoholic in the same way that I can't swim and breathe underwater like a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a non-alcoholic.

So I was still bothered by Earle's insistence that I didn't need to change and never got to resolve this issue with him before his death (he died when I was about 14 months sober -- he was over 49 years sober when he died). But over the last couple of years, I've decided that there's nothing wrong with my wanting change in my life: that's part of who I am and that's OK. It helps me when I understand and accept that I am rarely the agent or controller of significant change in my life. That most significant changes seem to come about in their own time and as a result of a wide variety of "causes" -- including actions I take, adjustments I make in my attitudes, changes in my habits and diet and routines, and a whole bunch of other "outside factors" totally outside of my control or influence.

So it's no longer a question of whether I have to change or not. Change is really not an option for me or anyone else. Change is a fact of life. It happens regardless of my belief in or attitude about it. The more important question and/or challenge for me is how I am going to participate in this changing body and world. Am I going to go with the flow or am I going to swim upstream? Both are options available to me and either one might the the right approach at any one time in my life. I think this is all the hidden truth in the Serenity Prayer: accepting what we cannot change, changing what we can and knowing the difference between what we can/can't change.

There are certain things that are unchangeable: past events are what they are and I can't change them. I can though, change my attitude toward past events: I can learn from them, I can be resentful over them, I can accept them, I can be grateful for them. But I can't change the fact of them. I also can't change the future: because it doesn't exist anywhere. Feelings also seem to fall into this category of things that can't be changed: they just are what they are. That said, I would point out that feelings do change, they are not static or life long. What I need to remember with feelings is that "I'm" not the agent of change in terms of feelings. They will change in their own course: I just need to be aware of them, listen to them and avoid acting on them until that can be done with kindness (or at least, without harm).

And lastly, there are some things that I can change sometimes but not all times. My wife is a great example of that. I can sometimes bring about changes (pleasant or not) in her by my words and actions. But in other ways, I am totally powerless to change who she is or what she feels. Just like I am totally powerless to change who I am or what I feel.

Change does not scare me like it used to do both before and after getting sober. Change is actually what's making my life exciting, interesting, challenging and meaning-filled.

Take care!

Mike L.