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Friday, November 26, 2010
Taking Advantage of Richo's "Fear Affirmations"
I'm sitting here at the hospital while my eldest daughter is having her first child in a nearby room. My wife and son-in-law are there with her. I'm sitting here alone in the waiting room, dealing with various fears as I wait for my first grandchild to be born.
As I drove here, just as Thanksgiving Day was coming to a close, I took advantage of the 1/2 hour drive to to the hospital to recite a series of fear affirmations that I found at the end of David Richo's wonderful book, When Love Meets Fear. I'd memorized all 156 of these affirmations several weeks ago because I knew as soon as I read through them the first time that they were going to become another tool of mine to deal with life's ups and downs, and in particular, fear. Reciting them aloud when I was in the car by myself helped put all sorts of fears in a place where they didn't seem to overwhelm me or take me out of the moment that I'm in right now.
When I got to the hospital, I decided that rather than watch TV or read, I would use my laptop to type out these 156 affirmations related to fear. Again, I found that going through these affirmations again helped me stay centered and calm. Certain affirmations seemed to strike me as right on target this morning.
While this might violate some copyright of David Richo's I'll beg forgiveness from him should that be necessary: Here are my recollections of Richo's fear affirmations (I've bracketed [] any modifications or additions to his words -- I oftentimes modify the words of something I've memorized just to make it a little more "mine" or more personal):
1. I trust my true fears to give me signals of danger.
2. I admit that I also have false fears and worries.
3. I feel compassion toward myself for all the years I’ve been afraid.
4. I forgive those who hypnotized me into unreal fears.
5. I suggest now to myself, over and over, that I am freeing myself from fear.
6. I have fearlessness to match my fear.
7. I trust my powers and resourcefulness as a man.
8. I trust my abundant creativity.
9. I trust the strength that opens and blooms in me when I face a threat.
10. I believe in myself as a man who handles what comes his way…today.
11. I know how to rise to a challenge.
12. I am more and more aware of how I hold fear in my body.
13. I stop storing fear in my body.
14. Now I relax those holding places.
15. I open my body to joy and serenity.
16. I release my body from the clench of fear.
17. I relax those parts of me that hold on to fear the most.
18. I let go of the stresses and tensions that come from fear.
19. I let go of fear based thoughts.
20. I let go of basing my decisions on fear.
21. I stop listening to those who want to [export] their fears into me.
22. I let go of finding something to fear in everything.
23. I let go of fear and fearing and believing that everything is fearsome.
24. I let go of the primitive ways I have of catastrophizing: e.g., the fear belief: it will always be this way!
25. I am more and more aware of my instant reflex fear reactions.
26. I accept that I have habituated myself to a certain level of adrenaline.
27. I admit that I oftentimes choose the adrenaline rush that comes with the dramas of fear and desire.
28. I forgo this stressful excitement and choose sane and serene liveliness.
29. I let go of the obsessive thoughts about how the worst may happen.
30. I trust myself always to have an alternative.
31. I see the humor in my fears.
32. I see the humor in my exaggerated responses to unreal dangers.
33. I find a humorous dimension in every fear.
34. I find a humorous response to every fear.
35. I play with the pain of fear.
36. I smile at my scared ego with tough love.
37. I am convinced of my abilities to handle situations and people that scare me.
38. I am more and more aware of how what happens or has happened is being faced, integrated or released.
39. I have self-healing power AND I seek and find support from outside sources.
40. I have an enormous capacity for rebuilding, restoring and transcending.
41. I am more and more sure of my abilities.
42. I am less and less scared by what happens, by what has happened, by what will happen.
43. I trust myself.
44. I trust the uncanny timing that I keep noticing in my life.
45. I love how I awake, or change, or resolve, or complete at just the right moment.
46. Nothing forces me; nothing stops me.
47. I let go of any fear of nature.
48. I let go of my fear of natural disasters.
49. I let go of my fears of sickness, accident, old age and death.
50. I cease being afraid of knowing, having or showing my feelings.
51. I let go of the fear of failure and of success.
52. I let go of the fears behind my guilt and shame.
53. I let go of the fear of aloneness or of having time on my hands.
54. I let go of the fear of abandonment.
55. I let go of the fear of engulfment.
56. I let go of the fear of closeness.
57. I let go of the fear of commitment.
58. I let go of the fear of being betrayed.
59. I let go of the fear of being cheated or robbed.
60. I let go of the fear of giving, receiving; beginnings, endings; comings, goings; scarcity, abundance; saying no, saying yes.
61. I let go of the fear of any person.
62. I let go of the fear of loving.
63. I let go of the fear of being loved.
64. I let go of the fear of losing: losing money, losing face, losing freedom, losing friends, losing family members, losing respect, losing status, losing my job, losing out!
65. I let go of the fear of having to grieve.
66. I keep letting go; I keep going on.
67. I let go of my paranoia.
68. I give up my phobic rituals.
69. I let go of my performance fears.
70. I let go of my sexual fears.
71. I let go of my fears about my adequacy as a parent or child; worker or manager; partner, [lover] or friend; [sponsor or sponsee].
72. I let go of the need for control.
73. I acknowledge control as a mask for my fear.
74. I let go of the need to be right, to be first, to be perfect.
75. I let go of the belief that I am entitled to be taken care of.
76. I let go of the fears about the 5 conditions of existence:
78. I drop the need for or the belief in a personal exemption from the conditions of my existence.
79. I acknowledge my present predicament as a path.
80. I trust a design in spite of the display.
81. I let go of more than fate can take.
82. I appreciate how everything works out for me.
83. I appreciate the graces that everywhere surround and enrich my life.
84. I find an alternative always exists behind the apparent dead end of fear.
85. I open myself to love, to people, to events.
86. I accept the love that awaits me everywhere.
87. I feel deeply loved by people near and far, living and dead.
88. I feel loved and watched over by my higher power.
89. I believe I have an important destiny, that I am living in accord with it, that I will survive to fulfill it.
90. I let myself feel the full measure of the joy I was meant to feel: the joy of living without fear.
91. I let fear go, I let joy in.
92. I let fear go, I let love in.
93. I let fears go and I expand my sensibilities.
94. I am more and more aware of others fears, more and more sensitive to them, more and more compassionate toward them.
95. I am more and more acceptant of all kinds of people
96. I enlarge my circle of love to include every living being and I show them love.
97. I am more and more courageous in my program of dealing with fear:
99. I let go of my defenses.
100. I defend myself.
101. I am non-violent.
102. I am intrepid under fire.
103. I am a hero: I feel pain in my life and am transformed by it.
104. I am undaunted by situations and people that threaten me.
105. I let people’s attempts to menace me fall flat.
106. I give up running from a threat.
107. I give up shrinking from a fight.
108. I show grace under pressure.
109. I stop running; I stop hiding.
110. More and more of my fears are becoming healthy excitement.
111. I meet danger face to face.
112. I stand up for a fight.
113. I take the bull by the horns.
114. I walk the gauntlet.
115. I put my head in the lion’s mouth.
116. I stick to my guns and hold my fire.
117. An automatic courage arises in me when I face a threat.
118. I dare to show myself as I am: afraid and courageous.
119. I hereby release the courage that has lain hidden within me.
120. I am thankful for the gift of fortitude.
121. I let go of hesitation and self-doubt.
122. I am hardy in the face of fear.
123. I have grit, stamina and toughness.
124. I take risks and always act with responsibility and grace.
125. I let go of the need to be different.
126. I let go of the fear of others expectations.
127. I cease being intimidated by others anger.
128. I let go of the fear of what might happen if others do not like me.
129. I let go of the fear of false accusation.
130. I let go of the fear of doing it his, her or their way.
131. I acknowledge that behind my excessive sense of obligation is the fear of my own freedom.
132. I let go of the horror about disapproval, ridicule or rejection.
133. I dare to stop auditioning for people’s approval.
134. I dare to give up my act.
135. I give up all my poses, pretences and posturings.
136. I dare to be myself.
137. I acknowledge that behind my fear of self-disclosure is a fear of freedom.
138. I dare to show my hand, to show my inclinations, to show my enthusiasms.
139. I let my every word, feeling and deed reflect me, as I truly am.
140. I love being found out: that is, caught in the act of being my authentic self.
141. I explore the farthest reaches of my identity.
142. I live my life according to my deepest needs and wishes.
143. I let go of the need to correct people’s impressions of me.
144. I stop being afraid of my own power.
145. I am irrepressible.
146. I draw upon the ever renewing sources of lively energy within me.
147. I am great hearted and bold spirited.
148. I dare to give of myself unconditionally, and…
149. I dare to be unconditionally committed to maintaining my own boundaries.
150. I open myself to the grace to know the difference.
151. I fling open the gates of my soul.
152. I set free joy, till now imprisoned by fear.
153. I set free love, till now imprisoned by fear.
154. I honor and evoke my animal powers, my human powers, my divine powers.
155. I let true love cast out all fear.
156. I face fear like the Buddha; I am the Buddha in the face of fear.
As I drove here, just as Thanksgiving Day was coming to a close, I took advantage of the 1/2 hour drive to to the hospital to recite a series of fear affirmations that I found at the end of David Richo's wonderful book, When Love Meets Fear. I'd memorized all 156 of these affirmations several weeks ago because I knew as soon as I read through them the first time that they were going to become another tool of mine to deal with life's ups and downs, and in particular, fear. Reciting them aloud when I was in the car by myself helped put all sorts of fears in a place where they didn't seem to overwhelm me or take me out of the moment that I'm in right now.
When I got to the hospital, I decided that rather than watch TV or read, I would use my laptop to type out these 156 affirmations related to fear. Again, I found that going through these affirmations again helped me stay centered and calm. Certain affirmations seemed to strike me as right on target this morning.
While this might violate some copyright of David Richo's I'll beg forgiveness from him should that be necessary: Here are my recollections of Richo's fear affirmations (I've bracketed [] any modifications or additions to his words -- I oftentimes modify the words of something I've memorized just to make it a little more "mine" or more personal):
1. I trust my true fears to give me signals of danger.
2. I admit that I also have false fears and worries.
3. I feel compassion toward myself for all the years I’ve been afraid.
4. I forgive those who hypnotized me into unreal fears.
5. I suggest now to myself, over and over, that I am freeing myself from fear.
6. I have fearlessness to match my fear.
7. I trust my powers and resourcefulness as a man.
8. I trust my abundant creativity.
9. I trust the strength that opens and blooms in me when I face a threat.
10. I believe in myself as a man who handles what comes his way…today.
11. I know how to rise to a challenge.
12. I am more and more aware of how I hold fear in my body.
13. I stop storing fear in my body.
14. Now I relax those holding places.
15. I open my body to joy and serenity.
16. I release my body from the clench of fear.
17. I relax those parts of me that hold on to fear the most.
18. I let go of the stresses and tensions that come from fear.
19. I let go of fear based thoughts.
20. I let go of basing my decisions on fear.
21. I stop listening to those who want to [export] their fears into me.
22. I let go of finding something to fear in everything.
23. I let go of fear and fearing and believing that everything is fearsome.
24. I let go of the primitive ways I have of catastrophizing: e.g., the fear belief: it will always be this way!
25. I am more and more aware of my instant reflex fear reactions.
26. I accept that I have habituated myself to a certain level of adrenaline.
27. I admit that I oftentimes choose the adrenaline rush that comes with the dramas of fear and desire.
28. I forgo this stressful excitement and choose sane and serene liveliness.
29. I let go of the obsessive thoughts about how the worst may happen.
30. I trust myself always to have an alternative.
31. I see the humor in my fears.
32. I see the humor in my exaggerated responses to unreal dangers.
33. I find a humorous dimension in every fear.
34. I find a humorous response to every fear.
35. I play with the pain of fear.
36. I smile at my scared ego with tough love.
37. I am convinced of my abilities to handle situations and people that scare me.
38. I am more and more aware of how what happens or has happened is being faced, integrated or released.
39. I have self-healing power AND I seek and find support from outside sources.
40. I have an enormous capacity for rebuilding, restoring and transcending.
41. I am more and more sure of my abilities.
42. I am less and less scared by what happens, by what has happened, by what will happen.
43. I trust myself.
44. I trust the uncanny timing that I keep noticing in my life.
45. I love how I awake, or change, or resolve, or complete at just the right moment.
46. Nothing forces me; nothing stops me.
47. I let go of any fear of nature.
48. I let go of my fear of natural disasters.
49. I let go of my fears of sickness, accident, old age and death.
50. I cease being afraid of knowing, having or showing my feelings.
51. I let go of the fear of failure and of success.
52. I let go of the fears behind my guilt and shame.
53. I let go of the fear of aloneness or of having time on my hands.
54. I let go of the fear of abandonment.
55. I let go of the fear of engulfment.
56. I let go of the fear of closeness.
57. I let go of the fear of commitment.
58. I let go of the fear of being betrayed.
59. I let go of the fear of being cheated or robbed.
60. I let go of the fear of giving, receiving; beginnings, endings; comings, goings; scarcity, abundance; saying no, saying yes.
61. I let go of the fear of any person.
62. I let go of the fear of loving.
63. I let go of the fear of being loved.
64. I let go of the fear of losing: losing money, losing face, losing freedom, losing friends, losing family members, losing respect, losing status, losing my job, losing out!
65. I let go of the fear of having to grieve.
66. I keep letting go; I keep going on.
67. I let go of my paranoia.
68. I give up my phobic rituals.
69. I let go of my performance fears.
70. I let go of my sexual fears.
71. I let go of my fears about my adequacy as a parent or child; worker or manager; partner, [lover] or friend; [sponsor or sponsee].
72. I let go of the need for control.
73. I acknowledge control as a mask for my fear.
74. I let go of the need to be right, to be first, to be perfect.
75. I let go of the belief that I am entitled to be taken care of.
76. I let go of the fears about the 5 conditions of existence:
a. I accept that I may sometimes lose.77. I am flexible enough to accept life as it is, forgiving enough to accept life as it has been, [open enough to welcome life as it happens].
b. I accept that things change and end.
c. I accept that pain is part of human growth.
d. I accept that things are not always fair.
e. I accept that people will lie to me, betray me, or not be loyal to me.
78. I drop the need for or the belief in a personal exemption from the conditions of my existence.
79. I acknowledge my present predicament as a path.
80. I trust a design in spite of the display.
81. I let go of more than fate can take.
82. I appreciate how everything works out for me.
83. I appreciate the graces that everywhere surround and enrich my life.
84. I find an alternative always exists behind the apparent dead end of fear.
85. I open myself to love, to people, to events.
86. I accept the love that awaits me everywhere.
87. I feel deeply loved by people near and far, living and dead.
88. I feel loved and watched over by my higher power.
89. I believe I have an important destiny, that I am living in accord with it, that I will survive to fulfill it.
90. I let myself feel the full measure of the joy I was meant to feel: the joy of living without fear.
91. I let fear go, I let joy in.
92. I let fear go, I let love in.
93. I let fears go and I expand my sensibilities.
94. I am more and more aware of others fears, more and more sensitive to them, more and more compassionate toward them.
95. I am more and more acceptant of all kinds of people
96. I enlarge my circle of love to include every living being and I show them love.
97. I am more and more courageous in my program of dealing with fear:
a. I let go of the need for control98. I have pluck and wit!
b. I let the chips fall where they may
c. I admit my fears
d. I feel my fears by letting them flow through me
e. I act as if I were free from fear
f. I see the humor in my fears
g. I expand my circle of love to include myself and everyone
99. I let go of my defenses.
100. I defend myself.
101. I am non-violent.
102. I am intrepid under fire.
103. I am a hero: I feel pain in my life and am transformed by it.
104. I am undaunted by situations and people that threaten me.
105. I let people’s attempts to menace me fall flat.
106. I give up running from a threat.
107. I give up shrinking from a fight.
108. I show grace under pressure.
109. I stop running; I stop hiding.
110. More and more of my fears are becoming healthy excitement.
111. I meet danger face to face.
112. I stand up for a fight.
113. I take the bull by the horns.
114. I walk the gauntlet.
115. I put my head in the lion’s mouth.
116. I stick to my guns and hold my fire.
117. An automatic courage arises in me when I face a threat.
118. I dare to show myself as I am: afraid and courageous.
119. I hereby release the courage that has lain hidden within me.
120. I am thankful for the gift of fortitude.
121. I let go of hesitation and self-doubt.
122. I am hardy in the face of fear.
123. I have grit, stamina and toughness.
124. I take risks and always act with responsibility and grace.
125. I let go of the need to be different.
126. I let go of the fear of others expectations.
127. I cease being intimidated by others anger.
128. I let go of the fear of what might happen if others do not like me.
129. I let go of the fear of false accusation.
130. I let go of the fear of doing it his, her or their way.
131. I acknowledge that behind my excessive sense of obligation is the fear of my own freedom.
132. I let go of the horror about disapproval, ridicule or rejection.
133. I dare to stop auditioning for people’s approval.
134. I dare to give up my act.
135. I give up all my poses, pretences and posturings.
136. I dare to be myself.
137. I acknowledge that behind my fear of self-disclosure is a fear of freedom.
138. I dare to show my hand, to show my inclinations, to show my enthusiasms.
139. I let my every word, feeling and deed reflect me, as I truly am.
140. I love being found out: that is, caught in the act of being my authentic self.
141. I explore the farthest reaches of my identity.
142. I live my life according to my deepest needs and wishes.
143. I let go of the need to correct people’s impressions of me.
144. I stop being afraid of my own power.
145. I am irrepressible.
146. I draw upon the ever renewing sources of lively energy within me.
147. I am great hearted and bold spirited.
148. I dare to give of myself unconditionally, and…
149. I dare to be unconditionally committed to maintaining my own boundaries.
150. I open myself to the grace to know the difference.
151. I fling open the gates of my soul.
152. I set free joy, till now imprisoned by fear.
153. I set free love, till now imprisoned by fear.
154. I honor and evoke my animal powers, my human powers, my divine powers.
155. I let true love cast out all fear.
156. I face fear like the Buddha; I am the Buddha in the face of fear.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Nine Years...
With the exception of regular blogging, I've been pretty consistent in continuing to do what has helped me not only stay sober for over nine years now (my sobriety birthday is October 20, 2001) but also fashion a way of living that really is beyond my wildest imagination: lots of meetings, working with others, reading and meditation (memorizing/reciting mostly...).
The main reason behind my falling away from the regular blogging is that some life issues have arisen in the last month or two and they have been occupying a significant amount of my time and that time had to come from somewhere: blogging was it. The biggest thing that I've been dealing with is my mother's development of a progressive form of dementia over the last year or so. It's gotten to the point where someone had to step up and help her deal with the various aspects of this disease and to get help with getting it diagnosed and developing a plan of action. In terms of my recovery, I should note that before I got sober, I had not talked to my mother for almost 10 years! But in the process of working through the steps, I was able to eventually reach out to her and rebuild a relationship with her that has become quite strong over the last five or six years. I've been there for her as she's experienced some strokes, a heart attack and five way heart bypass surgery and now with this gradual loss of memory at 81 years old.
What surprises me is that I've really come to enjoy my times with my mother. That has never been true in our relationship: ever. She trusts me, enjoys spending time with me and always thanks me for all my help and assistance. What a blessing made possible by my recovery work!
As I've been going through all this with my mom, I've been consistent with my meetings, kept my commitments to my sponsees, checked in with my sponsors to keep them in the loop, and made time each day for maintaining my spiritual practices. I've even taken up some new things, like calling people I haven't seen in awhile and just checking in or calling people who I know are struggling with the "not drinking part of the program" and just offering to help in any way I can --- or just to talk if they feel like doing that. I've never been much of a phone person: but I decided to try something different and it's been paying off huge dividends.
Tonight I'm able to blog because my wife and youngest daughter are at the hospital waiting for my wife's sister to have her first baby. I'll head over sometime later this evening, but for now, I have time to just check in with this blog. Within the next month or so, I'll be joining my wife and eldest daughter and her husband for another trip to the hospital: that time to be there for the birth of our first grandchild. I don't like projecting out that far, but I can't help it. And I know I need to stay grounded in today: I can look toward the future and back at the past, but I have to be careful not to stare. It's staring at the past/future that throws me off kilter.
Anyway, I thought I would check in tonight with a quick blog before I head to the hospital.
Take care!
Mike L.
The main reason behind my falling away from the regular blogging is that some life issues have arisen in the last month or two and they have been occupying a significant amount of my time and that time had to come from somewhere: blogging was it. The biggest thing that I've been dealing with is my mother's development of a progressive form of dementia over the last year or so. It's gotten to the point where someone had to step up and help her deal with the various aspects of this disease and to get help with getting it diagnosed and developing a plan of action. In terms of my recovery, I should note that before I got sober, I had not talked to my mother for almost 10 years! But in the process of working through the steps, I was able to eventually reach out to her and rebuild a relationship with her that has become quite strong over the last five or six years. I've been there for her as she's experienced some strokes, a heart attack and five way heart bypass surgery and now with this gradual loss of memory at 81 years old.
What surprises me is that I've really come to enjoy my times with my mother. That has never been true in our relationship: ever. She trusts me, enjoys spending time with me and always thanks me for all my help and assistance. What a blessing made possible by my recovery work!
As I've been going through all this with my mom, I've been consistent with my meetings, kept my commitments to my sponsees, checked in with my sponsors to keep them in the loop, and made time each day for maintaining my spiritual practices. I've even taken up some new things, like calling people I haven't seen in awhile and just checking in or calling people who I know are struggling with the "not drinking part of the program" and just offering to help in any way I can --- or just to talk if they feel like doing that. I've never been much of a phone person: but I decided to try something different and it's been paying off huge dividends.
Tonight I'm able to blog because my wife and youngest daughter are at the hospital waiting for my wife's sister to have her first baby. I'll head over sometime later this evening, but for now, I have time to just check in with this blog. Within the next month or so, I'll be joining my wife and eldest daughter and her husband for another trip to the hospital: that time to be there for the birth of our first grandchild. I don't like projecting out that far, but I can't help it. And I know I need to stay grounded in today: I can look toward the future and back at the past, but I have to be careful not to stare. It's staring at the past/future that throws me off kilter.
Anyway, I thought I would check in tonight with a quick blog before I head to the hospital.
Take care!
Mike L.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Prerequisites to Critical Moments
As I've mentioned several times recently, I've been chewing on something I read recently and I just can't let it go: The one obstacle to grace is control. Ever since I read that line in David Richo's book, When Love Meets Fear, I've seemed to have this truth front and center in my consciousness most of the days since I first read it. As I've been doing this "fear work" that I also mentioned in my last blog entry, the connection between the felt need to control things in my life and fearfulness is so close as to make them indistinguishable.
This morning as I was thinking about three of my sponsees who are all seemingly stuck in a very early recovery, I had a series of thoughts that sort of came pouring out:
I just left a men's meeting at Old St. Mary's Church in downtown San Francisco. The man who led the meeting read something from page 164 in the Big Book, including the most humble of all lines in our Big Book: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little." I am truly aware of my own ignorance when it comes to what will work for another person. I barely know what works for me and oftentimes I only learn that after thousands of failures and deadends and lots of pain.
So what do I know when I suggest to another suffering alcoholic that they consider trying what worked for me? Nothin. If anyone had suggested that I "let go" a moment before I did on the morning of October 20, 2001, I would have told them to go to hell and I would have stomped off without a clue as to what else I might try. I let go only when there was no energy left to hold on and no other options.
I suppose that will happen with these guys also. Or at least, I hope so. There's always the other alternatives of jails, institutions and death. Once again, I have to let the disease do the hard work of sponsoring the guys dumb enough to ask me to sponsor them.
Take care!
Mike L.
This morning as I was thinking about three of my sponsees who are all seemingly stuck in a very early recovery, I had a series of thoughts that sort of came pouring out:
- the prerequisite of grace is letting go of control
- the prerequisite of letting go of control is willingness
- the prerequisite of willingness is not wanting to do something
- the prerequisite to doing something that you don't want to do is hopelessness or despair.
I just left a men's meeting at Old St. Mary's Church in downtown San Francisco. The man who led the meeting read something from page 164 in the Big Book, including the most humble of all lines in our Big Book: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little." I am truly aware of my own ignorance when it comes to what will work for another person. I barely know what works for me and oftentimes I only learn that after thousands of failures and deadends and lots of pain.
So what do I know when I suggest to another suffering alcoholic that they consider trying what worked for me? Nothin. If anyone had suggested that I "let go" a moment before I did on the morning of October 20, 2001, I would have told them to go to hell and I would have stomped off without a clue as to what else I might try. I let go only when there was no energy left to hold on and no other options.
I suppose that will happen with these guys also. Or at least, I hope so. There's always the other alternatives of jails, institutions and death. Once again, I have to let the disease do the hard work of sponsoring the guys dumb enough to ask me to sponsor them.
Take care!
Mike L.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Commitment to Fear Work
As I mentioned in my last blog, I've been reading another book by David Richo called "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-less and Resource-full". Great book. It's where I got the line about the one obstacle to grace being control. Boy, has that line been turning over my life as a gardner would turn over garden soil at the end/beginning of a growing season!
Further into the book, Richo (who is not a recovering alcoholic, but who has psychotherapy clients who are...) writes down a long list of affirmations all having to do with fear. He refers to the list as an inventory. This week, I committed to memorizing this list of affirmations (all 156 of them...) over the next several weeks. Memorization and recitation is a huge, albeit strange and ongoing part of my recovery work. It has been almost from the beginning and for the last couple of months I've been waiting to come across something new and beautiful to memorize.
This list of fear affirmations jumped out at me and after getting over the initial block of "there's way too many of these to memorize!" negative thoughts, I quickly responded to the fearful self with a kind reminder that I don't have to memorize all 156 at once. I can do them, like many other things I've memorized or committed to in the past, one line, one day at a time.
Here are the first twenty affirmations to give you a sense of this different type of fear inventory: (FYI: I've found that when memorizing a long list like this it works best when I go one line at a time and then progress forward in groups of five --once I have five lines down pat, I move on to the next group of five, one line at a time):
With each, I've attempted to be with them in their despair. I'm not at all confident that I am saying the "right thing", helping or hurting. I strongly suggested that one go into a 30 day treatment center or detox unit, but he refused because he doesn't want to be a "loser who goes into rehab." When I heard him say that, I paused briefly to consider how to best respond and ended up blurting out, "Well, too bad! Go anyway!" After a brief silence and just as I was thinking that he was going to hang up on me, he began to laugh from his gut, almost hysterically for several minutes. He thanked me for making him laugh for the first time in 9 months (he'd had some years sober but had fallen away from meetings, got involved with a younger woman and when she broke up with him and learned of his alcoholism, he drank. He's not been able to get sober for the last 9 months... Later that same night I got a short text message from him letting me know that his friends had had him hospitalized. He's out now and I believe still sober...but still resisting the rehab.
All four of these people have reminded me of the importance of hopelessness and despair. Dr.Earle used to say, "Thank God for Despair!" (in fact, he wrote an article in the AA Grapevine years ago with that title). The reason for his gratitude for such an unlikely candidate as Despair was that he'd learned over the years that while despair was quite painful and unpleasant, if only he would be willing to walk or sit through it, inevitably on the other side of despair would come some form of enlightenment or awakening. Always. I've begrudgingly come to agree with this insight. I sent him a text yesterday saying that the prerequisite to willingness was not wanting to do something. And in that since, he was in a really good place!
I've watched fear up close this week. I feel more alive. I feel more, period. I think I'm going to keep doing this fear work. Even though it frightens me somewhat. ;-)
Take care!
Mike L.
Further into the book, Richo (who is not a recovering alcoholic, but who has psychotherapy clients who are...) writes down a long list of affirmations all having to do with fear. He refers to the list as an inventory. This week, I committed to memorizing this list of affirmations (all 156 of them...) over the next several weeks. Memorization and recitation is a huge, albeit strange and ongoing part of my recovery work. It has been almost from the beginning and for the last couple of months I've been waiting to come across something new and beautiful to memorize.
This list of fear affirmations jumped out at me and after getting over the initial block of "there's way too many of these to memorize!" negative thoughts, I quickly responded to the fearful self with a kind reminder that I don't have to memorize all 156 at once. I can do them, like many other things I've memorized or committed to in the past, one line, one day at a time.
Here are the first twenty affirmations to give you a sense of this different type of fear inventory: (FYI: I've found that when memorizing a long list like this it works best when I go one line at a time and then progress forward in groups of five --once I have five lines down pat, I move on to the next group of five, one line at a time):
I trust my true fears to give me signals of danger.
I admit that I also have false fears and worries.
I feel compassion toward myself for all the years I have been afraid.
I forgive those who hypnotized me into unreal fears.
I suggest now to myself, over and over, that I am freeing myself from fear.
I have fearlessness to match my fear.
I trust my powers and resourcefulness as a man.
I trust my abundant creativity.
I trust the strength that opens and blossoms in me when I have to face something.
I believe in myself as a man/woman who handles what comes his way today.
I know how to rise to a challenge.As I have been doing this memory work, I think that it's having a real impact on what is happening in my life. In the last week since I've been doing this work, I've encountered four different people, three of them sponsees in very early recovery and another person who writes a blog recommended to me by a recovery blogger who thought I might be of help to this person she'd encountered in the blogosphere. All four of them are going through their own dark nights of the soul. Each is dancing close to a level of hopelessness and despair that almost leads me to call 911 and have them taken into protective 72 hour mental health hold. And in fact, one of them was hospitalized on Monday night for just that reason: his friends thought that he was in danger of hurting himself or committing suicide.
I am more and more aware of how I hold fear in my body.
I stop storing fear in my body.
Now I relax those holding places.
I open my body to joy and serenity.
I release my body from the clench of fear.
I relax the parts of me that hold fear the most.
I let go of the stress and tension that come from fear.
I let go of fear based thoughts.
I let go of basing my decisions on fear.
With each, I've attempted to be with them in their despair. I'm not at all confident that I am saying the "right thing", helping or hurting. I strongly suggested that one go into a 30 day treatment center or detox unit, but he refused because he doesn't want to be a "loser who goes into rehab." When I heard him say that, I paused briefly to consider how to best respond and ended up blurting out, "Well, too bad! Go anyway!" After a brief silence and just as I was thinking that he was going to hang up on me, he began to laugh from his gut, almost hysterically for several minutes. He thanked me for making him laugh for the first time in 9 months (he'd had some years sober but had fallen away from meetings, got involved with a younger woman and when she broke up with him and learned of his alcoholism, he drank. He's not been able to get sober for the last 9 months... Later that same night I got a short text message from him letting me know that his friends had had him hospitalized. He's out now and I believe still sober...but still resisting the rehab.
All four of these people have reminded me of the importance of hopelessness and despair. Dr.Earle used to say, "Thank God for Despair!" (in fact, he wrote an article in the AA Grapevine years ago with that title). The reason for his gratitude for such an unlikely candidate as Despair was that he'd learned over the years that while despair was quite painful and unpleasant, if only he would be willing to walk or sit through it, inevitably on the other side of despair would come some form of enlightenment or awakening. Always. I've begrudgingly come to agree with this insight. I sent him a text yesterday saying that the prerequisite to willingness was not wanting to do something. And in that since, he was in a really good place!
I've watched fear up close this week. I feel more alive. I feel more, period. I think I'm going to keep doing this fear work. Even though it frightens me somewhat. ;-)
Take care!
Mike L.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The One Obstacle to Grace
This morning, the chairperson at the meeting was telling her beautiful recovery story when she got to the moment where for some strange reason she too was able to stop drinking. It happened one morning in January 1999. It was seemingly no different from any of the mornings over the last few years since she really started trying to get and stay sober. During those two years, she'd started going to AA and she kept going back even after she would drink again. Then came this one morning where she woke up and something different happened. Something changed.
As she talked more about this particular morning, she wondered aloud,"I don't know what was different on that morning." Nothing, as far as she could tell, had changed. It was a morning like many many others that followed another attempt to drink like a normal person. That history notwithstanding, that morning she was struck by a new resolve born of desperation: she was going to do "whatever it took" to stay sober that day. Now, 11 years later, she still really doesn't have any idea what really changed that morning to allow her sobriety to take hold and to last--at the very least--until this day.
As soon as she talked about that special morning -- I became entranced with my own memories of my special morning almost 9 years ago. You see, I had that same identical experience of having many months of waking up confronted by the same idea: "I can't stop drinking!!" And like her, on my special morning something changed and I knew it as soon as it happened. For some reason, that morning I had a second thought follow the first: "Not being able to stop drinking is called alcoholism. And alcoholism is a disease." Wow. Or rather, Duh! A 1st Step moment.
What's a little strange is that I had already known the fact about alcoholism being a disease for many years--at least at a head level, but it had never sunk to heart level until that special morning. I suppose that in the past, I'd always thought I could either overcome that inability with even greater willpower or I could just give up trying and just do my best to not get caught. It was a disease that would or could go away. Not one that would always be a part of me.
Today, when the chairperson wondered aloud that she didn't have a clue as to what happened that morning, I realized that something I had read last night that seemed to hold the answer to this question, at least for me. Last night before going to bed, I was reading another book by David Richo, this one called When Love Meets Fear. In it, he said something along the lines of this:
The thought or desire to be someone other than who you are is insane. And that's why I'd never been able to stop drinking: because as soon as I'd convince myself that I had stopped, then I'd say to myself, "Well, you've stopped! Therefore, you're not really an alcoholic!" And inevitably, like most alcoholics who finally convince themselves that they are really not an alcoholic: I'd celebrate by drinking!
What happened to me that special morning was that I unknowingly (but willingly) gave up my control over my alcoholism and my never-ending problem with stopping drinking. And as result, I think, grace was able to step into the process. Grace: an unmerited gift. As a result of grace, I was able to stop stopping. As a result of grace, I was able to start trying to stay sober, as an alcoholic, one day at a time.
What I'm focusing on today is the fact that control has many forms and manifestations in my life today. Control will lead me to believe that a particular feeling, say anxiety, depression, sadness, or loneliness, should be allowed to be or to surface. And as a result of that decision of control, I then choose to seek some alternative or escape to the undesirable or unwanted feeling. I run. I go to a meeting. I get up and do anything other than just sit. I try to use some AA tool, like writing a gratitude list, as a surefire means of avoiding the feelings that want to see the light of day. True, these are all better choices to drinking! But they are similar ways of controlling life as life is. Not something I want to do. [I know, grace is not retroactive -- it's always right here, right now--so I don't need to waste time beating myself up for all my past attempts to avoid reality or to run from feelings.]
Over the next week, I'm going to try and become more aware of these moments which tend to lead me to unskilled attempts to control what's coming up naturally from within. I'm going to try and let those feelings be just as they are for at least one minute more than I would habitually do previously. I'm going to try and be open to moments of grace.
And I'm apparently going to do that while I'm in Las Vegas, Nevada where I'm heading now for a five day business conference! There's something hilarious in this plan to be sure.
Take care!
Mike L.
As she talked more about this particular morning, she wondered aloud,"I don't know what was different on that morning." Nothing, as far as she could tell, had changed. It was a morning like many many others that followed another attempt to drink like a normal person. That history notwithstanding, that morning she was struck by a new resolve born of desperation: she was going to do "whatever it took" to stay sober that day. Now, 11 years later, she still really doesn't have any idea what really changed that morning to allow her sobriety to take hold and to last--at the very least--until this day.
As soon as she talked about that special morning -- I became entranced with my own memories of my special morning almost 9 years ago. You see, I had that same identical experience of having many months of waking up confronted by the same idea: "I can't stop drinking!!" And like her, on my special morning something changed and I knew it as soon as it happened. For some reason, that morning I had a second thought follow the first: "Not being able to stop drinking is called alcoholism. And alcoholism is a disease." Wow. Or rather, Duh! A 1st Step moment.
What's a little strange is that I had already known the fact about alcoholism being a disease for many years--at least at a head level, but it had never sunk to heart level until that special morning. I suppose that in the past, I'd always thought I could either overcome that inability with even greater willpower or I could just give up trying and just do my best to not get caught. It was a disease that would or could go away. Not one that would always be a part of me.
Today, when the chairperson wondered aloud that she didn't have a clue as to what happened that morning, I realized that something I had read last night that seemed to hold the answer to this question, at least for me. Last night before going to bed, I was reading another book by David Richo, this one called When Love Meets Fear. In it, he said something along the lines of this:
The one obstacle to grace is control.That's what happened to me that special morning of October 20, 2001! On that day I gave up trying to control my drinking. I realize now that trying to stop drinking is yet another attempt to to control not alcohol, but to control alcoholism. Prior to that morning, I was trying to stop drinking only as a means to avoid being an alcoholic. And in my insane mind, stopping drinking was the only way to avoid being or becoming an alcoholic. And I just did not want to be an alcoholic like my dad (or even my son!).
The thought or desire to be someone other than who you are is insane. And that's why I'd never been able to stop drinking: because as soon as I'd convince myself that I had stopped, then I'd say to myself, "Well, you've stopped! Therefore, you're not really an alcoholic!" And inevitably, like most alcoholics who finally convince themselves that they are really not an alcoholic: I'd celebrate by drinking!
What happened to me that special morning was that I unknowingly (but willingly) gave up my control over my alcoholism and my never-ending problem with stopping drinking. And as result, I think, grace was able to step into the process. Grace: an unmerited gift. As a result of grace, I was able to stop stopping. As a result of grace, I was able to start trying to stay sober, as an alcoholic, one day at a time.
What I'm focusing on today is the fact that control has many forms and manifestations in my life today. Control will lead me to believe that a particular feeling, say anxiety, depression, sadness, or loneliness, should be allowed to be or to surface. And as a result of that decision of control, I then choose to seek some alternative or escape to the undesirable or unwanted feeling. I run. I go to a meeting. I get up and do anything other than just sit. I try to use some AA tool, like writing a gratitude list, as a surefire means of avoiding the feelings that want to see the light of day. True, these are all better choices to drinking! But they are similar ways of controlling life as life is. Not something I want to do. [I know, grace is not retroactive -- it's always right here, right now--so I don't need to waste time beating myself up for all my past attempts to avoid reality or to run from feelings.]
Over the next week, I'm going to try and become more aware of these moments which tend to lead me to unskilled attempts to control what's coming up naturally from within. I'm going to try and let those feelings be just as they are for at least one minute more than I would habitually do previously. I'm going to try and be open to moments of grace.
And I'm apparently going to do that while I'm in Las Vegas, Nevada where I'm heading now for a five day business conference! There's something hilarious in this plan to be sure.
Take care!
Mike L.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Raising Our Hand
Every once and awhile I hear someone say that one of their motives for staying sober is that they don't want to have to raise their hand again. Raising our hands and declaring that we are in our first 30 days of recovery seems, for many of us, to involve some amount of guilt and/or shame. And even more so when we're doing that "again" (or again and again...).
This week, I was blessed to see a friend of mine raise his hand again and declare himself to be back in his first thirty days of recovery. In fact, it was day three for him. He'd not raised his hand at the beginning of the meeting when the secretary had asked if there was anyone in their first thirty days. He'd actually been to several meetings since his relapse over the weekend, but he'd just been unable to raise his hand and let people know. I think it was his second relapse since first beginning his recovery several years ago. Before he used and drank this last weekend, he'd had just gotten to two years of sobriety a few weeks before. He was having a hard time disclosing the fact that he'd relapsed, but for some reason, he kept coming to meetings.
On Wednesday, he was unable to raise his hand when the secretary had asked. But then what happened was that while "How It Works" was being read, he was struck by the repeated use of "honest" in the first paragraph of that reading. Somehow, he realized that keeping his relapse a secret from us was going to get him drunk and he needed to fess up. So he raised his hand shortly thereafter and said, "I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic. And I've been lying to you. I even lied to my sponsor as I walked into this meeting today. I drank this weekend and this is Day Three for me."
He briefly explained what had happened. It'd happened so fast. He'd taken a week's vacation with his daughter and had a wonderful time. And then when he came back, he dropped his daughter off with her mother and he went to house sit a friend's house for a couple of days. Something about being alone in that house triggered some pains from the past and before he knew it he was going through the friend's medicene cabinet looking for drugs. He found them and took them. And the next thing he knew, he was getting drunk. That was a Saturday.
On Sunday, he awakened to waves of guilt and shame. And then he went to a meeting. While he didn't raise his hand, he kept going to meetings for the next three days and he didn't drink. Ultimately, the secret became too much of a burden and he spilled it all out for us on Wednesday. I thanked him for what he disclosed because, among other things, he showed me that it's possible to come back and raise your hand again --- and that everyone welcomes you. No one judges you (at least out loud) or condemns you. How could we??? We'd be condemning ourselves!
I understand why people talk about not wanting to raise their hand again, but for me, I think it's a misplaced fear. For me, the day I first raised my hand and disclosed, "I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic!" was the best day in my life to date. I haven't had a better day since. I've had lots of great days since that first disclosure of who I was as an alcoholic, but none better than that day. As I've mentioned before, the first time I really raised my hand to disclose this truth was the morning of October 20, 2001: I was in bed next to my still sleeping wife. I'd awakened to the same thought I'd had every day the last ten months: "I can't stop drinking!" And then a new thought followed, "Not being able to stop drinking is called alcoholism. And alcoholism is just a disease!" And then I saw myself sitting in a circle of people at my son's rehab and instead of lying like I had for the last ten months, I shared with them the truth: My name is Mike and I'm an alcoholic!"
When I did that, even though the people and situation were all in my head, I experienced a freedom I'd been seeking for years. A freedom from the compulsion or obsession to drink. A freedom from the need to put effort into "not drinking". A freedom to be me.
I don't fear raising my hand again. If I drink again, I know what I'll need to do to get back into the mode of recovery. I'll need to return to the rooms and let my friends know what happened and that I'm back to begin again.
It's funny, a few nights ago (after this guy raised his hand on Wednesday) I had my first drinking dream in several years. I was sitting at a table and there was a pitcher of lemon aide and Vodka sitting in front of me. I poured a glass from the pitcher knowing that it was full of lemon aide and Vodka, but it didn't dawn on me that Vodka was alcohol. Strange, huh. Anyway, I poured myself a glass and then began drinking it. It's the first time that I've had a drinking dream where I actually remember the act of drinking! Anyway, I was drinking this and then I started feeling a slight buzz. And then the idea came to me, I'm getting a buzz because this has alcohol in it! Fuck!
I woke with a start and my heart beating rapidly. Feeling as though this had actually happened, I was disappointed that I had drank, but the very first thought was that I needed to get up and go to the Concord Fellowship 6:30am meeting and raise my hand! Now! Within a few seconds, it became clear that it was just a dream and that I didn't need to raise my hand as being in my first 30 days. But I knew that that would be what I'd need to do if I did drink.
I've been thinking a lot about how much weight or importance we put on long term sobriety --- I wonder if we go a little too far in that regard because it seems to set an unrealistic goal for most of us alcoholics. Takes us a little off the more secure path of One Day At a Time mantra of AA. I don't possess 8.5 years of sobriety. It's not something I own. I can't sell it. I really can't lose it. I cherish it. I feel tremendously grateful for it. But my focus needs to remain with today. I can be sober only one day: today. I can't be sober tomorrow (that can only be a hope or a dream). I can't be sober yesterday (that is only a memory). I can stay sober today.
Take care!
Mike L.
This week, I was blessed to see a friend of mine raise his hand again and declare himself to be back in his first thirty days of recovery. In fact, it was day three for him. He'd not raised his hand at the beginning of the meeting when the secretary had asked if there was anyone in their first thirty days. He'd actually been to several meetings since his relapse over the weekend, but he'd just been unable to raise his hand and let people know. I think it was his second relapse since first beginning his recovery several years ago. Before he used and drank this last weekend, he'd had just gotten to two years of sobriety a few weeks before. He was having a hard time disclosing the fact that he'd relapsed, but for some reason, he kept coming to meetings.
On Wednesday, he was unable to raise his hand when the secretary had asked. But then what happened was that while "How It Works" was being read, he was struck by the repeated use of "honest" in the first paragraph of that reading. Somehow, he realized that keeping his relapse a secret from us was going to get him drunk and he needed to fess up. So he raised his hand shortly thereafter and said, "I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic. And I've been lying to you. I even lied to my sponsor as I walked into this meeting today. I drank this weekend and this is Day Three for me."
He briefly explained what had happened. It'd happened so fast. He'd taken a week's vacation with his daughter and had a wonderful time. And then when he came back, he dropped his daughter off with her mother and he went to house sit a friend's house for a couple of days. Something about being alone in that house triggered some pains from the past and before he knew it he was going through the friend's medicene cabinet looking for drugs. He found them and took them. And the next thing he knew, he was getting drunk. That was a Saturday.
On Sunday, he awakened to waves of guilt and shame. And then he went to a meeting. While he didn't raise his hand, he kept going to meetings for the next three days and he didn't drink. Ultimately, the secret became too much of a burden and he spilled it all out for us on Wednesday. I thanked him for what he disclosed because, among other things, he showed me that it's possible to come back and raise your hand again --- and that everyone welcomes you. No one judges you (at least out loud) or condemns you. How could we??? We'd be condemning ourselves!
I understand why people talk about not wanting to raise their hand again, but for me, I think it's a misplaced fear. For me, the day I first raised my hand and disclosed, "I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic!" was the best day in my life to date. I haven't had a better day since. I've had lots of great days since that first disclosure of who I was as an alcoholic, but none better than that day. As I've mentioned before, the first time I really raised my hand to disclose this truth was the morning of October 20, 2001: I was in bed next to my still sleeping wife. I'd awakened to the same thought I'd had every day the last ten months: "I can't stop drinking!" And then a new thought followed, "Not being able to stop drinking is called alcoholism. And alcoholism is just a disease!" And then I saw myself sitting in a circle of people at my son's rehab and instead of lying like I had for the last ten months, I shared with them the truth: My name is Mike and I'm an alcoholic!"
When I did that, even though the people and situation were all in my head, I experienced a freedom I'd been seeking for years. A freedom from the compulsion or obsession to drink. A freedom from the need to put effort into "not drinking". A freedom to be me.
I don't fear raising my hand again. If I drink again, I know what I'll need to do to get back into the mode of recovery. I'll need to return to the rooms and let my friends know what happened and that I'm back to begin again.
It's funny, a few nights ago (after this guy raised his hand on Wednesday) I had my first drinking dream in several years. I was sitting at a table and there was a pitcher of lemon aide and Vodka sitting in front of me. I poured a glass from the pitcher knowing that it was full of lemon aide and Vodka, but it didn't dawn on me that Vodka was alcohol. Strange, huh. Anyway, I poured myself a glass and then began drinking it. It's the first time that I've had a drinking dream where I actually remember the act of drinking! Anyway, I was drinking this and then I started feeling a slight buzz. And then the idea came to me, I'm getting a buzz because this has alcohol in it! Fuck!
I woke with a start and my heart beating rapidly. Feeling as though this had actually happened, I was disappointed that I had drank, but the very first thought was that I needed to get up and go to the Concord Fellowship 6:30am meeting and raise my hand! Now! Within a few seconds, it became clear that it was just a dream and that I didn't need to raise my hand as being in my first 30 days. But I knew that that would be what I'd need to do if I did drink.
I've been thinking a lot about how much weight or importance we put on long term sobriety --- I wonder if we go a little too far in that regard because it seems to set an unrealistic goal for most of us alcoholics. Takes us a little off the more secure path of One Day At a Time mantra of AA. I don't possess 8.5 years of sobriety. It's not something I own. I can't sell it. I really can't lose it. I cherish it. I feel tremendously grateful for it. But my focus needs to remain with today. I can be sober only one day: today. I can't be sober tomorrow (that can only be a hope or a dream). I can't be sober yesterday (that is only a memory). I can stay sober today.
Take care!
Mike L.
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