Our Calling

For th last two months I've been running on all cylinders in all areas of my life. Work has been consuming me with multiple major projects, any one of which could have occupied me and my staff for a full year. My family is expanding and changing on what seems to be a daily basis: youngest daughter getting married next month, first grandchild reaching her six month milestone with an infectious smile, a second grandchild (my son's) due before end of year.  My recovery program has continued to escalate, more sponsees than I feel comfortable with, but for now, haven't been willing to say no when someone asks (primarily because I could always give up a meeting or two if needed since I still go to 10 or more meetings a week).

But in the last two months or so, I was presented with some challenges with one of my sponsees that kept me "just before" being overwhelmed at almost a constant state of affairs.  But, as suggested by one of my mentors in AA, I needed to simply take things one whelm at a time --- otherwise, I'd get overwhelmed!  The challenge came with the guy who first asked me to be his sponsor over five and a half years ago: late last year he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and he successfully walked through all the fears that came with that diagnosis and had the surgery to remove his prostate early this year.  During his two month recovery at home, it seemed like his anxiety levels began to gradually increase -- I thought due to having too much time on his hands and not being used to that.  I suggested going to more meetings than he was used to and he did.  Nevertheless, he had something sort of blindside him in February and as a result of that, his mental health began to degrade on a daily basis and within a few weeks I had to have him committed to a psyche hospital because he was becoming a danger to himself.  After a harrowing several weeks in and out of these mental health hospitals, he's now back at home and beginning an intensive outpatient program to get his feet back on the ground.  Miraculously, through all of this, he's stayed sober.  Taking a drink didn't cross his mind: taking his life did.

Through all of that, I was doing everything I could to help him walk through this challenge.  I broke down and met with my sponsor about half way through the process and asked him for feedback in terms of setting boundaries, but also with dealing with the certainty that I needed to do everything within my power to help my friend.  That meeting was tremendously helpful.  He listened, asked a few insightful questions (he's a lawyer, so this is one of his great strengths!) and then shared a story with me that he'd never shared with anyone else: he'd walked through something very similar to what I was dealing with now and he shared with me how he approached his challenge.  He shared the story not to suggest that I needed to do what he did, but rather, just because his story was all he could offer me.  I could take what seemed to work for me and leave the rest...  I walked away with a greater sense of peace about what I was doing and that it was right for me.

Within a day or so of that meeting with my sponsor, I was reading a book by David Richo called "The Five Things We Cannot Change" and at the beginning of the section I was reading, Richo quoted something from George Bernard Shaw called "The Calling":

This is the true joy in living: being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish, little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world is not devoting itself to making you happy!

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks!  I reminded me of the chapter on the 12th Step in the 12x12 wherein it states in very first paragraph that "the theme of the twelfth step is the joy of living" and then restates slightly differently amd even more powerfully in the very last paragraph of  that same chapter, "the theme of the twelfth step is the joy of good living."  Shaw was saying essentially the same thing: the joy of living comes by way of "being used for a purpose" (for me, helping other suffering alcoholics) and knowing that that purpose is a "mighty one"; that this service is done without much regard for prudence or balance, but rather, by throwing ones self into service without regard to personal hardship or reward.    That in doing this, we obtain true joy.

I committed this quote to memory over the next day or so and have repeated it to myself several times a day during my commute to/from work.  It always fills me with renewed strength and commitment to doing what I've been called to do: help other suffering alcoholics.  My recovery has taken on a renewed vitality and I don't care to question its source.

As things seem to be settling down a little now, I'm glad to get back to some blogging which is one of the things I've had to cut back on over the last couple of months.  Just not enough hours in the day.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Two Stages of My Alcoholism (there is no 3rd Stage)

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been realizing that there really are only two stages in my alcoholism: the first stage was when I could stop and the second stage is when I couldn't stop.  For me, there was and is no third stage.

My first stage started from the time when I took my first drink, I was probably 17 years old.  When I took that drink, strangely enough, I took it with the clear intent that if I was going to do this, I was going to do it without becoming an alcoholic like my dad.  When I was 21, my dad's drinking took off downhill and he gradually descended into a lonely and isolated existence and eventually death.  My way of proving to my self that I was not an alcoholic like him was to demonstrate the ability to stop drinking.  And whenever my drinking looked like it was coming close to alcoholic, I would stop.  The only problem to this strategy was that I would always reach a point in time when I'd realize that I had "really" stopped and therefore, I was not an alcoholic.  And inevitably, whenever I proved to myself that I wasn't an alcoholic, I would drink!  Isn't that the perfect test for alcoholism?

That first stage lasted almost 30 years.  It ultimately ended when my son entered an adolescent chemical dependency program when he was 15.  In order for him to get into that program, my wife and I had to agree to a couple of conditions, the most crisis-invoking for me was the one that "strongly suggested" that I stop all alcohol and drug use while my son was in that 3-6 month outpatient program.  That's the moment I moved into the second stage of my alcoholism, the "I can't stop" stage.  I knew as soon as the counselor (a recovering heroin addict now psychologist...) asked me to stop that there was no way in hell that I was going to be able to stop.  And I knew equally well that I could not tell them (my wife and son were also in the room) that I could not stop.  So I lied and convinced them that I would certainly stop if it would help my son learn how to "live life without chemical assistance" as they referred to their plan for him and now his mother and me.

I hid my drinking successfully from everyone but me and the strangers who saw me drinking for another 10 months.  At the end of 5 months, my son experienced some sort of change and things all clicked for him.  He's been clean now for almost 10 years.  I watched him from a safe distance for another 5 months and then one night I went to pick him up after his Friday night Marijuana Anonymous meeting (he went to every 12 step program there was before ultimately finding a home in NA...) and he smelled liquor on my breath.  He asked, without anger, if I had been drinking and I lied.  I wanted to tell him the truth -- not only had I been drinking while he was in that meeting, I had done the same thing for almost 10 months while he was going to 10 to 14 meetings a week.  I drank almost everytime after dropping him off at a meeting.  But what kept me from telling him the truth was that if he knew I was drinking, he would begin expecting me to stop.

And I simply could not stop!

He accepted my assertion and left me to my misery.  The next morning, I woke up at 6am with the clarity of thought: I can't stop drinking!  I'd had that same thought every morning for 10 months and for many mornings before that....  But that morning, a second thought came to me: not being able to stop is called alcoholism and alcoholism is a disease.  My body is different. 

All of a sudden everything I had been doing in relation to my drinking made perfect sense!  I couldn't stop because my body was different!  Wow!  What followed then was another thought and that was, I can do something about this.  I can do what Pat has been doing.  I can try to stay sober for one day.

You know, when I hear people talk about the day or moment that they were finally able to stop drinking, I cringe inside.  You see, I have decided not to describe what happened that morning of October 20, 2001 as the morning I stopped drinking.  Not even for one day.  What happened that morning is that I "stopped stopping" and starting putting effort into staying sober a day at a time.

So now whenever I hear someone come back into the program, full of shame and guilt for having drank "again", I suspect that much of their guilt and shame is based on the false idea that they are the only one in the room "who can't stop drinking."  What I try to do, as gently and as kindly as I can, is let them know that they are not alone in the room.  You see, I can't stop drinking either!  And the solution I found over nine years ago was that instead of trying to stop, I just redirected my attention toward the goal of staying sober today.

For me, there is no third stage of alcoholism.  This is a physical, permanent and progressive disease.  That doesn't go away, doesn't get cured.  What happened for me, as the result of some moment of grace and the impact of witnessing my own son's recovery from this same hopeless state of mind and body, is that I woke up and accepted who and what I was: an alcoholic, pure and simple.  Once I passed into the second stage of this disease, the only possible outcomes were ever increasing suffering and isolation, death or recovery.

Recovery has involved much work, but within a fairly short period of time, the process seems to have taken on a life of its own.  I don't do things with the intent to stay sober or to avoid the first drink.  I do the things  because they fill my life with meaning, peace, joy, purpose and love.  My life is full, if not overflowing.  I am connected to a large web of other recovering alcoholics and much of my day is spent doing something to help another alcoholic in a myriad of ways. 

Take care!

Mike L.

Away from My Peeps

I am away for a long weekend in Phoenix with my wife and youngest daughter.  This is my fourth day in a row without a meeting and we won't get back home until late tonight.  It's rare that I go four days without a meeting and I'm missing my peeps greatly.  What I've been doing to stay sober these last few days is to read books somehow related to my recovery.  Yesterday, my brother-in-law gave me a book that he thought I might like: it's by Mel B. and is called Three Recovery Classics.  The idea behind the book was to provide people in recovery with access to three key pieces of literature that were a big part of Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith's life in recovery.  The three works are: As a Man Thinketh by James Allen, The Greatest Thing in the World by Henry Drummond and The St. Francis Prayer.

I think that Mike gave it to me because he knows I love reading anything about the history of AA and anything about recovery in general.  Not sure where he got the book, but it's autographed by the author.  The book has this "I haven't been read" feeling to it, so I'm guessing that Mike gave it to me just to free up a little space on his book shelf.  He's not as "in" to AA as I am and that's perfectly fine with me. 

As a Man Thinketh is a really good book and fits very well into my own experience: my thinking, right or wrong, accurate or inaccurate, has a lot more to do with my circumstances in life than chance, happenstance, luck or a Santa Claus-like God. 

As I mentioned in one of my early blogs, I developed this weird habit, early on in my recovery, of memorizing all sorts of things that I cam across in my recovery reading.  In a sense, I was almost "brainwashing" myself by committing to memory all sorts of things that I found beautiful or utterly true for me.  By repeating them over and over, they eventually became part of my way of seeing and interpreting things that were happening in my life.  Some of them became tools for personal inventory or self-examination.  As I read through As a Man Thinketh I realized that I couldn't but agree with almost everything he said.  The same was true for Drummond's book on Love (which "is" The Greatest Thing in the World).

Whatever.  Reading this book helped me reconnect with another alcoholic (Mel B.) and that sets things back on path for me.   Like Bill W. and Dr. Bob, I've found much value in reading non-AA literature and using it to give greater depth and width to my own recovery.  What I most looked forward to in reading these early classics was not so much the truth that they might contain, but rather, I looked forward to finding more about the founders of AA through sharing something that they read and incorporated into their lives and their writings. Helps me put more "context" into their writings.

In addition to this book, I also was able to talk to a sponsee yesterday and that was great.  He's having a hard time not only with staying sober but also with depression and isolation.  The depression and isolation seem to feed on each other and he tends to get caught in a very negative cycle with these-----but at least this time he's refrained from drinking during this bout with darkness and loneliness.

There's a part of me that wants to suggest refocusing his attention to more positive things (as suggested by James Allen) or on helping/loving others as a means to get out of himself (as suggested by Drummond) --- but making such suggestions has rarely been my way (as suggested by Dr. Earle!).  I may pass on this book, Three Recovery Classics, though --- it might suggest some alternative ways out of the painful place he tends to go when he runs out of solutions.

I am very much looking forward to returning to my home and work and regular routines.  I like routine.  Except when I don't.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Toolkit was Seemingly Empty...

Some time ago, I wrote a blog about one of the unique characteristics about the AA "kit of spiritual tools" or what is oftentimes referred to as the AA toolkit: what's unique about this toolkit is that most recovering alcoholics will go through their sobriety adding new and different tools to that kit and over time, they find that they freqently have to dig through the toolkit to find just the right tool for the challenge or problem facing them any one particular day.  But, at least according to the oldtimer I was listening to awhile ago, there will always come a day in every recovering alcoholic's life when he or she reaches into their toolkit only to discover that the kit is completely empty and all that seems to remain is the idea or thought of "just one drink."  Luckily for us, the AA toolkit is designed for such a day because in the bottom of every toolkit is a note.  And the note says, "You need more tools!"

Well, last week I was driving to work and I was doing my typical routine of reciting some stuff that I'd memorized as a part of my 11th step work (it was David Richo's 156 Fear Affirmations).  I'd only recited a few of them when I began thinking about a guy that I had been trying to help out for the last couple of weeks.  He'd been in recovery for several months and had a few relapses over the last year or so.  After the last relapse, he'd decided to make a change in sponsors and had asked me to be his new sponsor.  I was honored and began meeting with him once every week or so, had created a private recovery blog for him and had him posting a daily plan each night for maintaining his sobriety on the coming day.  After a few weeks, he simply disappeared: he stopped coming to meetings, didn't answer my calls or emails, stopped blogging.  Others in the program also reported that he'd stopped communicating with him and we all feared that he'd either relapsed or was in a dangerous period of isolation.

The non-responsiveness of this guy had gone on more than a week or so and I was growing more and more concerned.  Then, I'd hear from someone that he'd returned their call and that he was alive.  Drinking, but alive.  I tried various attempts at communicating with him and tried to balance that with some level of detachment.  I almost resorted to going to an Alanon meeting.  ;-}

Then this Friday on my way to work, I thought I'd try calling him another time.  I did and the call went straight to voicemail.  I tried to say something kind, hopeful, slightly funny....and then wished him well.  Asking him to let me know if there was anything I could do to help him get sober again.  Anything.

When I got off the phone, I noticed something surprising to me:  I felt better.  Prior to the call, I'd had a lingering sense of sadness, helpless, powerlessness in terms of my own abilility or inability to help this guy at this point in his recovery.  I'd often said that I have the philosphy as a sponsor to let the disease do all the hard work and then when the alcoholic is desperate enough to "stop stopping" and start trying to get or stay sober, then I reach out my hand to help in whatever way I can.

Hmmm, the phone call made me feel better!  Know that I've never been one who used the "tool" of calling other recoverying alcoholics as a part of my daily routine: I don't like the phone, I don't like talking to people who I can't see --- actually, I'm not sure I like talking to people even when I can see them!  But this day, I found out that calling another struggling alcoholic and trying to offer some sort of help in that manner, made me feel better!  I'd found a new tool at the most surprising time in my sobriety.

So, I did what I oftentimes do when I find something that works: I decided to try it again!  I thought of another guy I had been thinking about recently: he was what I refer to as an "inactive sponsee" of mine: these are guys who I had actively sponsored for some time, but for some reason or another had disconnected from me and yet still considered me to be their sponsor.  I sometimes joke that these guys had stolen my name and used it to get annoying folks off their backs in terms of "do you have a sponsor?" sorts of questions.  Sure, they would say, I've got a sponsor -- a great sponsor!  His name is Mike.  All in the hopes that that answer would make these AA pests leave them alone. 

Anyway, I began thinking of this one particular inactive sponsee: he'd met with me once about six months ago (after about a six month period of disappearing off of the horizon...) and asked me to continue being his sponsor.  We had a nice talk over coffee and then he disappeared again.  I tried a couple of times to call him, calls all went to unanswered voicemail hell.  A few weeks ago, someone had told me that they'd seen this guy the day before: that he was homeless (his wife had kicked him out of the house some weeks ago...) and drunk.  So, last Friday, I thought I'd give this "calling another suffering alcoholic" tool another test:  I called him and it went immediately to voicemail.  I wasn't really surprised, wasn't even sure he still had cell phone service, but I left of message anyway saying that I was thinking of him, that I hoped that he was sober and well, and that if there was anything I could do to help him in his recovery, please give me a call.  After leaving the message, I noticed the same consequence as the first call: I felt even better!

So, I tried it again: this time I called a guy that I knew from one of the early morning meetings that I've gone to for almost eight years:  he had been a regular at that meeting, really dove into the program, got a sponsor, worked the steps, made coffee, became a secretary, did various types of service.  A really nice guy and I loved how he simply added color and life and vitality to the meeting as his sobriety matured.  I'd not seen him around for awhile and a few weeks after Halloween this year, I'd heard from a mutual friend that this guy had had a relapse, short in duration but devastating in effect.  I'd called him a few weeks ago and he was encouraged by that call.  So this last Friday, I made a call to him as my 3rd test of this newfangled tool. 

Amazingly, he answered my call!  My first thought was, "Oh my God, now what do I do!"  I'd fully expected to get another voicemail and now he goes and screws it up by answering my call!  Anyway, after my initial shock, we had a great conversation lasting almost 30 minutes.  During that call, I even got a call back from the homeless sponsee -- I let that call go to voicemail and felt some Alanon pride coming back for doing that -- and finished up my call with the third guy.  We agreed to meet up for a noon meeting in San Francisco the coming week and then maybe lunch or coffee afterward.  Got off the phone, noticed that I felt even better after this third test and then checked my voicemail from #2.

The voicemail was amazing: he was sober and temporarily living in a homeless shelter run by some Christian missionary sect.  Not all that happy about their rules and routines, but it was a safe place to live until he could get into a nearby VA recovery program.  We had a nice talk and agreed that I'd try to stop by to see him before he moved on to the VA recovery program...it was actually in a town on my way to/from work.

I made one more call to a 4th guy before getting to work.  It was a short and sweet checkin call with a former sponsee who'd moved to the East coast over a year prior:  he'd had a relapse after his move East, had almost died just a few months ago: but was now several months sober and actively rebuilding his life and working a reinvigorated recovery program.

The wonderful ending of this day came when I was leaving a Friday night meeting that same day:  I'd had a call during the meeting that went to voicemail.  It was from my missing sponsee who for whatever reason: had heard something in my voicemail earlier that morning that helped him call me back, just to let me know that he appreciated all my calls and attempts to reach out to him.  But that he was simply unable to stop drinking.  He asked me not to give up on him and that he was going to try again to stop -- that hopefully he'd see me soon.  I called him right back: and surprisingly, he answered the phone.  We had a short but encouraging conversation and I assured him that I'd never give up on him and that I hoped he'd redirect his energies/efforts away from "stopping" toward "getting/staying sober for just one day".  He said that he'd try: but I knew the truth of that was not yet sinking in or making sense to him. 

My day ended with a sense of wonder and awe.  Who'd a thunk that a couple of phone calls could transform my world in such powerful ways!  And now, I have the sense again that my toolbox is overflowing again.  It was never really empty.  It was just full of tools that weren't the right fit for what was ailing me that day.  Guess that the tools show up when the right nut appears.

Take care!

Mike L.

Grandpa L!

Taking Advantage of Richo's "Fear Affirmations"

I'm sitting here at the hospital while my eldest daughter is having her first child in a nearby room.  My wife and son-in-law are there with her.  I'm sitting here alone in the waiting room, dealing with various fears as I wait for my first grandchild to be born.

As I drove here, just as Thanksgiving Day was coming to a close, I took advantage of the 1/2 hour drive to to the hospital to recite a series of fear affirmations that I found at the end of David Richo's wonderful book, When Love Meets Fear.  I'd memorized all 156 of these affirmations several weeks ago because I knew as soon as I read through them the first time that they were going to become another tool of mine to deal with life's ups and downs, and in particular, fear.  Reciting them aloud when I was in the car by myself helped put all sorts of fears in a place where they didn't seem to overwhelm me or take me out of the moment that I'm in right now.

When I got to the hospital, I decided that rather than watch TV or read, I would use my laptop to type out these 156 affirmations related to fear.  Again, I found that going through these affirmations again helped me stay centered and calm.  Certain affirmations seemed to strike me as right on target this morning.

While this might violate some copyright of David Richo's I'll beg forgiveness from him should that be necessary:  Here are my recollections of Richo's fear affirmations (I've bracketed [] any modifications or additions to his words -- I oftentimes modify the words of something I've memorized just to make it a little more "mine" or more personal):

1. I trust my true fears to give me signals of danger.

2. I admit that I also have false fears and worries.

3. I feel compassion toward myself for all the years I’ve been afraid.

4. I forgive those who hypnotized me into unreal fears.

5. I suggest now to myself, over and over, that I am freeing myself from fear.

6. I have fearlessness to match my fear.

7. I trust my powers and resourcefulness as a man.

8. I trust my abundant creativity.

9. I trust the strength that opens and blooms in me when I face a threat.

10. I believe in myself as a man who handles what comes his way…today.

11. I know how to rise to a challenge.

12. I am more and more aware of how I hold fear in my body.

13. I stop storing fear in my body.

14. Now I relax those holding places.

15. I open my body to joy and serenity.

16. I release my body from the clench of fear.

17. I relax those parts of me that hold on to fear the most.

18. I let go of the stresses and tensions that come from fear.

19. I let go of fear based thoughts.

20. I let go of basing my decisions on fear.

21. I stop listening to those who want to [export] their fears into me.

22. I let go of finding something to fear in everything.

23. I let go of fear and fearing and believing that everything is fearsome.

24. I let go of the primitive ways I have of catastrophizing: e.g., the fear belief: it will always be this way!

25. I am more and more aware of my instant reflex fear reactions.

26. I accept that I have habituated myself to a certain level of adrenaline.

27. I admit that I oftentimes choose the adrenaline rush that comes with the dramas of fear and desire.

28. I forgo this stressful excitement and choose sane and serene liveliness.

29. I let go of the obsessive thoughts about how the worst may happen.

30. I trust myself always to have an alternative.

31. I see the humor in my fears.

32. I see the humor in my exaggerated responses to unreal dangers.

33. I find a humorous dimension in every fear.

34. I find a humorous response to every fear.

35. I play with the pain of fear. 

36. I smile at my scared ego with tough love.

37. I am convinced of my abilities to handle situations and people that scare me.

38. I am more and more aware of how what happens or has happened is being faced, integrated or released.

39. I have self-healing power AND I seek and find support from outside sources.

40. I have an enormous capacity for rebuilding, restoring and transcending.

41. I am more and more sure of my abilities.

42. I am less and less scared by what happens, by what has happened, by what will happen.

43. I trust myself.

44. I trust the uncanny timing that I keep noticing in my life.

45. I love how I awake, or change, or resolve, or complete at just the right moment.

46. Nothing forces me; nothing stops me.

47. I let go of any fear of nature.

48. I let go of my fear of natural disasters.

49. I let go of my fears of sickness, accident, old age and death.

50. I cease being afraid of knowing, having or showing my feelings.

51. I let go of the fear of failure and of success.

52. I let go of the fears behind my guilt and shame.

53. I let go of the fear of aloneness or of having time on my hands.

54. I let go of the fear of abandonment.

55. I let go of the fear of engulfment.

56. I let go of the fear of closeness.

57. I let go of the fear of commitment.

58. I let go of the fear of being betrayed.

59. I let go of the fear of being cheated or robbed.

60. I let go of the fear of giving, receiving; beginnings, endings; comings, goings; scarcity, abundance; saying no, saying yes.

61. I let go of the fear of any person.

62. I let go of the fear of loving.

63. I let go of the fear of being loved.

64. I let go of the fear of losing: losing money, losing face, losing freedom, losing friends, losing family members, losing respect, losing status, losing my job, losing out!

65. I let go of the fear of having to grieve.

66. I keep letting go; I keep going on.

67. I let go of my paranoia.

68. I give up my phobic rituals.

69. I let go of my performance fears.

70. I let go of my sexual fears.

71. I let go of my fears about my adequacy as a parent or child; worker or manager; partner, [lover] or friend; [sponsor or sponsee].

72. I let go of the need for control.

73. I acknowledge control as a mask for my fear.

74. I let go of the need to be right, to be first, to be perfect.

75. I let go of the belief that I am entitled to be taken care of.

76. I let go of the fears about the 5 conditions of existence:

a. I accept that I may sometimes lose.

b. I accept that things change and end.

c. I accept that pain is part of human growth.

d. I accept that things are not always fair.

e. I accept that people will lie to me, betray me, or not be loyal to me.

77. I am flexible enough to accept life as it is, forgiving enough to accept life as it has been, [open enough to welcome life as it happens].

78. I drop the need for or the belief in a personal exemption from the conditions of my existence.

79. I acknowledge my present predicament as a path.

80. I trust a design in spite of the display.

81. I let go of more than fate can take.

82. I appreciate how everything works out for me.

83. I appreciate the graces that everywhere surround and enrich my life.

84. I find an alternative always exists behind the apparent dead end of fear.

85. I open myself to love, to people, to events.

86. I accept the love that awaits me everywhere.

87. I feel deeply loved by people near and far, living and dead.

88. I feel loved and watched over by my higher power.

89. I believe I have an important destiny, that I am living in accord with it, that I will survive to fulfill it.

90. I let myself feel the full measure of the joy I was meant to feel: the joy of living without fear.

91. I let fear go, I let joy in.

92. I let fear go, I let love in.

93. I let fears go and I expand my sensibilities.

94. I am more and more aware of others fears, more and more sensitive to them, more and more compassionate toward them.

95. I am more and more acceptant of all kinds of people

96. I enlarge my circle of love to include every living being and I show them love.

97. I am more and more courageous in my program of dealing with fear:

a. I let go of the need for control

b. I let the chips fall where they may

c. I admit my fears

d. I feel my fears by letting them flow through me

e. I act as if I were free from fear

f. I see the humor in my fears

g. I expand my circle of love to include myself and everyone

98. I have pluck and wit!

99. I let go of my defenses.

100. I defend myself.

101. I am non-violent.

102. I am intrepid under fire.

103. I am a hero: I feel pain in my life and am transformed by it.

104. I am undaunted by situations and people that threaten me.

105. I let people’s attempts to menace me fall flat.

106. I give up running from a threat.

107. I give up shrinking from a fight.

108. I show grace under pressure.

109. I stop running; I stop hiding.

110. More and more of my fears are becoming healthy excitement.

111. I meet danger face to face.

112. I stand up for a fight.

113. I take the bull by the horns.

114. I walk the gauntlet.

115. I put my head in the lion’s mouth.

116. I stick to my guns and hold my fire.

117. An automatic courage arises in me when I face a threat.

118. I dare to show myself as I am: afraid and courageous.

119. I hereby release the courage that has lain hidden within me.

120. I am thankful for the gift of fortitude.

121. I let go of hesitation and self-doubt.

122. I am hardy in the face of fear.

123. I have grit, stamina and toughness.

124. I take risks and always act with responsibility and grace.

125. I let go of the need to be different.

126. I let go of the fear of others expectations.

127. I cease being intimidated by others anger.

128. I let go of the fear of what might happen if others do not like me.

129. I let go of the fear of false accusation.

130. I let go of the fear of doing it his, her or their way.

131. I acknowledge that behind my excessive sense of obligation is the fear of my own freedom.

132. I let go of the horror about disapproval, ridicule or rejection.

133. I dare to stop auditioning for people’s approval.

134. I dare to give up my act.

135. I give up all my poses, pretences and posturings.

136. I dare to be myself.

137. I acknowledge that behind my fear of self-disclosure is a fear of freedom.

138. I dare to show my hand, to show my inclinations, to show my enthusiasms.

139. I let my every word, feeling and deed reflect me, as I truly am.

140. I love being found out: that is, caught in the act of being my authentic self.

141. I explore the farthest reaches of my identity.

142. I live my life according to my deepest needs and wishes.

143. I let go of the need to correct people’s impressions of me.

144. I stop being afraid of my own power.

145. I am irrepressible.

146. I draw upon the ever renewing sources of lively energy within me.

147. I am great hearted and bold spirited.

148. I dare to give of myself unconditionally, and…

149. I dare to be unconditionally committed to maintaining my own boundaries.

150. I open myself to the grace to know the difference.

151. I fling open the gates of my soul.

152. I set free joy, till now imprisoned by fear.

153. I set free love, till now imprisoned by fear.

154. I honor and evoke my animal powers, my human powers, my divine powers.

155. I let true love cast out all fear.

156. I face fear like the Buddha; I am the Buddha in the face of fear.

Nine Years...

With the exception of regular blogging, I've been pretty consistent in continuing to do what has helped me not only stay sober for over nine years now (my sobriety birthday is October 20, 2001) but also fashion a way of living that really is beyond my wildest imagination:  lots of meetings, working with others, reading and meditation (memorizing/reciting mostly...). 

The main reason behind my falling away from the regular blogging is that some life issues have arisen in the last month or two and they have been occupying a significant amount of my time and that time had to come from somewhere: blogging was it.  The biggest thing that I've been dealing with is my mother's development of a progressive form of dementia over the last year or so.  It's gotten to the point where someone had to step up and help her deal with the various aspects of this disease and to get help with getting it diagnosed and developing a plan of action.  In terms of my recovery, I should note that before I got sober, I had not talked to my mother for almost 10 years!  But in the process of working through the steps, I was able to eventually reach out to her and rebuild a relationship with her that has become quite strong over the last five or six years.  I've been there for her as she's experienced some strokes, a heart attack and five way heart bypass surgery and now with this gradual loss of memory at 81 years old.

What surprises me is that I've really come to enjoy my times with my mother.  That has never been true in our relationship: ever.  She trusts me, enjoys spending time with me and always thanks me for all my help and assistance.  What a blessing made possible by my recovery work!

As I've been going through all this with my mom, I've been consistent with my meetings, kept my commitments to my sponsees, checked in with my sponsors to keep them in the loop, and made time each day for maintaining my spiritual practices.  I've even taken up some new things, like calling people I haven't seen in awhile and just checking in or calling people who I know are struggling with the "not drinking part of the program" and just offering to help in any way I can --- or just to talk if they feel like doing that.  I've never been much of a phone person: but I decided to try something different and it's been paying off huge dividends.

Tonight I'm able to blog because my wife and youngest daughter are at the hospital waiting for my wife's sister to have her first baby.  I'll head over sometime later this evening, but for now, I have time to just check in with this blog.  Within the next month or so, I'll be joining my wife and eldest daughter and her husband for another trip to the hospital: that time to be there for the birth of our first grandchild.  I don't like projecting out that far, but I can't help it.  And I know I need to stay grounded in today:  I can look toward the future and back at the past, but I have to be careful not to stare.  It's staring at the past/future that throws me off kilter.

Anyway, I thought I would check in tonight with a quick blog before I head to the hospital. 

Take care!

Mike L.