I went to a meeting this afternoon and heard a young man tell his story for the first time. He had 18 months of clean and sober time and he told us that he normally never ever talks in meetings. That got my attention, because I haven't stopped talking since I got to AA over 6 years ago. Anyway, this guy was quite nervous and lost track of the time. He apparently made up for the 18 months of not talking all at once.
He took us down a long walk along memory lane in terms of his truly horrible and abused childhood and equally horrible abusing adulthood. And only after 30 minutes (it was an hour meeting and normally, people keep their chairs to 10-15 minutes...unless you're really good at storytelling, like me!) did he get to the part of his story that I was most interested in: how did he get sober?
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind drunk-a-logs at all. They help me know the person and their disease better and put their sobriety in context, as it were. But I was afraid though that this guy wasn't going to get to the sober part until after the meeting was over, so I was glad when he did reach his bottom and found his way out of hell with 15 minutes to spare! (That was only because the secretary was kind enough to slip him a note reminding him that he needed to bring things to a close... She did that very well --- it's something that can be done very badly and she handled it perfectly!)
His way into that hell was very very different than mine, but his way out was almost mirror image of my own: someone with our problem reached out to him and said that they had found a solution to their drinking/using problem and offered to help him go down that path. For this man, that involved having his friend help him get a place to sleep (he was, like me at the end, very very tired!!!) in some sort of treatment facility for the homeless. For me, it meant watching my son get sober and then reaching the point where I wanted what he had found and knew that involved doing what he had done.
I didn't get to share at this afternoon's meeting because there was no time left and others were quicker to raise their hands. I did want to tell this guy that he did a great job and that I learned something valuable from his chair. I was ready to defend him if anyone had the gall to attack him for not even identifying as an alcoholic (he identified as an addict only...) or for talking too long. Had they done the latter, I would have reminded folks that Bill Wilson's story was only 16 pages long and he didn't get sober until page 13. But no one attacked him, at least, they didn't do it out loud or during the meeting. Those that talked had identified with his story and were appreciative and kind.
Me? I heard all I needed to hear from his story, he drank and used until he couldn't stop, no matter how much he tried. And just when he hit the bottom of despair, there was someone there who reached out a hand, not with judgment or condemnation, but with an offer to help and with a solution that had worked for them. I left the meeting after thanking him for his share and came back home to resume my "honey dos" with a little more gratitude for the way things have worked out for me in my life.
Take care!
Mike L.
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2 comments:
I can relate to what you say. I too listen for the times when people seem to reach out and help at our most desperate hours. There have been times when I have heard people reveal that they had these deep problems with things and then go on to describe what things are like now, but do not say anything about how the defect was removed or how the problem was solved.
It does restore some faith and give me hope to see how people reach out and help, but I wonder about this... how can this not lead to dependence or expectations of help? And how is it that we only seem to help when people are at their most desperate? Why is there no middle ground?
I like to hear things in the share such as 1.) this was my problem 2.) these are the various things I tried that either did not work or worked only partially, but with these (...) consequences 3.) what was the winning solution?
I wonder sometimes if our problems ever get directly resolved, or whether opportunities for growth elsewhere occur that allows us to extend ourselves into a different area, thereby rendering the problem impotent...
I once asked my sponsor how, if everyone's strategies for success depend on everyone else's, it is possible to have goals, and extending the logic even further, how it is possible to achieve those goals and still be a decent and moral, honest human being. I have a hard time accepting the "luck/chance" argument, because I do not want to believe that life is really that arbitrary and capricious. Yet, I have equal difficulty with God and "destiny" arguments.
I am reminded of the 4th step where in the 12&12 it is written that everyone desires financial and emotional security and status -- to be a somebody in the company of our fellows -- and how these instincts can drive us to extremes.
I am angry because we are led to believe that we are free -- that opportunities abound. Yet, it seems painfully clear that I am not going to achieve most (if not all) of my ambitions and I wonder if the windows of opportunity were ever open in the first place.
People ask me, when I tell them my career goals, whether that is even possible. "Of course it is," I respond, "just because I am not doing it the conventional way doesn't mean that it can't be done." But I am finding out that the unconventional way isn't working for me, yet it has worked for others -- trailblazers who broke new ground doing it their way. Why can't I be like that? Am I supposed to be a poor nobody the rest of my life?
How do I know when these instincts are in collision? And if these instincts in collision prove to be a limiting factor, is it possible that they can be overcome so I can grow into the person who can achieve my goals? Or does this constitute an opportunity that I never really had?
In your observations about others' stories you seem to be acutely aware of nuances and subtleties that I would never have seen. What do you do to recognize opportunity and seize on it? Is this an innate gift, or is it a learnable skill?
What has your solution been?
You made some really interesting observations, several of which would require a separate blog for an adequate response from me.
The key response though I wanted to give you, never sure if these responses to Comments ever get read by the Anonymous comment poster..., is that in my experience, the awareness happened when it happened. I look back before the time "it" (say, "sobriety") happened to me and I see that the possibility, the solution was available to me and within reach and within my free choice, but "it" (not drinking or sobriety)simply appeared to be impossible for me.
And then, "it" happened and all of a sudden, the "not being able to stop drinking" switched from being a problem or something wrong, to being something that was "true" and acceptable. Palletable. And then, I was free from the bondage of trying not to be who I was.
Why does "it" happen to some and not to others? I don't know. I suspect that much of it's due to chance and circumstances. I certainly don't believe that there's a God of my understanding who awards sobriety to some and not to others. I think it's available to all, but certain conditions need to be present for each person before they can see and accept the solution. That seems to be something that comes very quickly (in a blinding flash) for some and very slowly (educationally...) for others. Sometimes "it" happens after one has already started a program of recovery (as it did for my son), sometimes it happens two days before (as it did for me).
The key thing I always listen for in a chair then is that sobriety is possible where it seemingly seemed impossible. Recovery isn't magic to me, it's miraculous. Magic is where something that is "actually" impossible "appears" to happen; Miracle is where something that "appears" to be impossible "actually" happens.
I guess that's what I'm always looking for: the miracle.
Take care!
Mike L.
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