Recovery and Relationships

Without question, the most challenging arena for me in terms of living out my recovery is in the context of relationships, especially the relationship with my wife of 28+ years.  In one of my regular meetings, there's a statement made in the meeting format that after the meeting "loitering is not tolerated" -- I used to find that somewhat offensive and offputting: but eventually I took it to be a clear message that this meeting room is not a home, it's a place of respit.  A resting place where we recharge our batteries -- but it's temporary.  It's not where we live.

Where I live is at home with my wife and that's where the rubber meets the road, as it were,in terms of me and my recovery.  Recently, I've been reading another book by David Richo called "How to be an Adult in Relationships (The Five Keys to Mindful Loving)".  It's a great book.  It must be frustrating for my wife though, seeing me read this book and me, at least it seems to me, having so little to show for it.  We are probably in the best shape we've ever been in though, so I don't want to misrepresent the quality of our relationship.  It's great.  But I'm always wanting it to be better...  Think we both share that hope.

One thing that really hit me though yesterday is that Richo talks about how in some relationships one partner will have a basic fear of abandonment and the other partner will have a fear of engulfment.  For us, my wife is the one who seems primarily experiencing a fear of abandonment over the years and I am the one who seems to have the polar opposite fear of being engulfed.  Richo recommends what he calls the "Triple-A Approach to Fear:  Admit, Accept and Act As If...  We first need to admit that we have these particular fears and then we need to accept these fears.  Lastly, he talks about acting as if....  And this paragraph hit me to my core.

"Act as if you have no fear.  If you fear abandonment, risk allowing the other to stay away one minute more than you can stand.  Cling one minute less than you feel you need to.  If you fear engulfment, allow the other to get one inch closer than you can stand.  Stay away one minute less than you feel you need to.  By acting in these ways, you are playing with your pain, a healing device too often neglected by those of us who take things too seriously."

This paragraph screamed out at me with its beauty and truth.  I've commited it to memory and have been reciting it again and again during my day today.  I really like the idea of "playing with my pain"  -- I've spent much effort in the past trying to avoid and medicate pain.  It was as though there was something wrong with pain.  And emotional pain, in particular, was something to be avoided at all costs.  Richo has got me looking at it differently though: pain is communicating information to me and I need to listen carefully and with reverence.  I needn't run from it.  I can keep my eyes and all my senses wide open.

Take care while you play with your pain!

Mike L.