Grieving: Part of the Healing Process

A young woman with 60 days shared at a meeting yesterday that over the last weekend she and her husband had done some things together (planted a tree in the backyard, watched a football game, etc.) and that something really strange had happened to her. She paused and then looked around the room and said, "This is getting really hard!  I guess I've been on some sort of pink cloud until now.  This is hard!"

Anyway, during the weekend she and her husband (a non-alcoholic it seems) did some things together that in the past would have involved both of them drinking (her to excess, him not). Each time she realized that fact, she would start crying. Eventually it got so bad, that she went to her bedroom and laid down and sobbed. And sobbed.  Then she went out to cuddle up next to her husband in front of the TV and she sobbed some more. He tried to comfort her.  At one point, her 4 year old saw her crying and said to his Daddy, "Mommie's sad!". She'd never cried in front of her son.  She cried some more.

She got up then and called her "sister in sobriety" (they both have same sponsor) and the friend listened and understood.  She encouraged her friend by saying, "Just don't drink today. You just have to not drink today. This will pass...."

Then she called her sponsor and shared what had gone on that day.... The sponsor listened.  At the end of the story, the sponsor explained to her that she was grieving....   Grieving!  And then it all made sense to her. She was grieving the loss of being able to drink "like normal people.?

Before she had even shared what her sponsor had told her, I too had the clear thought that this woman was grieving a very deep loss.  Grieving is so important in our recovery and I think most of us go through it without really knowing what's happening. 

As she continue with her story, I took out a piece of paper and drew a tombstone and engraved on it the following:

R.I.P.

"Shannon-the-'nonalcoholic'-who-could-drink-like-a-normal-person"

Died: 2/__/2010

May she rest in peace!

I gave the drawing to her at the end of the meeting. And she laughed and laughed as she read it. Then she shared it with her sober sister, and they both laughed and laughed.  And then I got two great hugs.

I did whisper to her later as I was leaving the meeting, that in regards to this false self (it's what people in AA are referring to--even though they don't know it!-- as the "ego")  that she needs to know that this "dead ego" may not really be dead: it can wake up at anytime and start whispering, "It's ok, you have just one...."  It's ok and she needed fear it's coming:  if she doesn't feed it, it will go back to sleep.

Sometimes, it takes a while before they really go in peace.

Take care!

Mike L.