A Change in Perception

On Friday morning I attended a memorial for an oldtimer from around here who'd died with 39 years of sobriety.  A great man.  His name was Wayne Smith from Walnut Creek.  He'd sometimes begin his shares with, "Hi, I'm Wayne S. from Walnut C."  He was a master storyteller and will be greatly missed.  At the reception, someone had placed a bunch of CDs of a speaker meeting talk that Wayne had given years ago and on the way home from the memorial I listened to Wayne's pitch.  It was wonderful, but it was even more wonderful to hear his voice again, full of life.  He mentioned in it that he'd loved AA from the very beginning and it was the longest love affair of his whole life.

In his story though, he said something about The Steps that I'd never heard before and that was that the Steps were all about perception, or more accurately, changing our perception on a variety of important things in our lives.  Each step was, according to Wayne, all about changing our perspective from what was unhealthy and/or untrue to a new perspective that was more healthy and true.  He then gave examples from his own life to explain what he meant.  He said that the 1st Step was, for him, all about changing his perception about who he was in terms of his relationship with alcohol: for years, he had thought that alcohol was something that he could control and manage....  And that the 1st Step was about changing that misperception to something more accurate and true: that alcohol was not something he could control and that with alcohol in him, his life had become totally unmanageable.

I knew exactly what he meant, I only wish that he had gone through with more examples from his life to show how each of the remaining 11 steps helped him change his perspective to become more healthy and true.  And since yesterday, I have been mulling over how each of the 12 steps have helped me change my perspective on my life and on myself.

For me, the 1st step didn't involve changing my perception of alcohol.  Rather, it changed my perception of me as an alcoholic.  In the past, I'd thought that it was possible to avoid becoming an alcoholic (like my dad, I must add) by controlling my drinking, by proving to myself (when necessary) that I could stop drinking or by drinking like a non-alcoholic.  What happened in my 1st step was waking up to the reality that I was an alcoholic and that being an alcoholic wasn't my problem!  My problem was my 30 year attempt NOT to be an alcoholic. Thirty years of trying to drink "like" a non-alcoholic!  That delusion changed the morning I woke up on October 20, 2001 and realized that I couldn't stop drinking and that "not being able to stop drinking" was called "alcoholism" and that I was, like it or not!, an alcoholic.  That morning, being an alcoholic was perfectly OK.  It was just a disease and I just happened to have it.  Everything in my past life immediately became understandable.  It all made sense!  That's why I did what I did!  Ahhhh.  That was two days before my first meeting of AA.

The 2nd step then changed how I was going to move forward with the remainder of my life.  It wasn't so much about believing in a particular concept of God.  It was more about my own letting go of the idea that I was God or God-like.  And my drinking was an essential part of me being God-like: that is, I could change people (me and others), places and things all by means of a drink.  And another.  And another.  People, places and things all had one thing in common: they were not the way I thought they should be!  And if God wasn't going to fix that problem, I would help Him out.  And when I couldn't do that on my own, I resorted to the use of alcohol.  Once I got sober, my perspective changed in relatively short fashion:  I began to realize that I wasn't God and that I didn't need to do that God Act any more.  Everyone, everything and every situation was perfect just the way it was at that moment in time and I didn't need to get back into the battle of making the universe conform to the way I thought it should be.  For me, the return to sanity didn't involve some sort of return to mental health.  My alcoholic insanity wasn't mental illness.  It was the deeply ingrained belief that there was something wrong with me and that I needed to be or to become someone different than who I was.  Trying to be someone I wasn't is my definition of insanity.  Sanity then was the gradual awareness that I was perfect just the way I am and that this perfection includes the fact that my body processes alcohol and other mind-altering drugs differently than non-alcoholics and non-addicts.

The 3rd step continued that change in perspective from the inside out.  My 3rd step did not involve kneeling down to some Higher Power or even a decision to do so.  My 3rd step involved letting go of my death grip on life and letting things be just the way they were.  I no longer needed to play God.

The 4th thru the 9th steps all changed my perception of myself in that I had deeply held beliefs that there was something very wrong with me.  I came into the rooms carrying quite a heavy sack of shit: an invisible but still heavy sack of guilt (for things I had done) and shame (for who I thought I was).  In the 4th step, I began this change from the inside: with who I was and with what I had done, both the so-called good and the so-called bad.  I wrote down all the things from my past that "made me wince".  With the help of my sponsors, I wrote without judgment or condemnation.  

In my 5th step, I shared my secrets and ultimately, I shared the "exact nature of my wrongs."  For me, that process changed me in the most profound of ways.  I was no longer a bad person trying to become good; I was a sick person trying to become well.  And I still am.  I began to look at myself with eyes of compassion and understanding and I was able to do that by first seeing that compassion and understanding reflected in the eyes of my sponsors as they looked at me.

The 6th and 7th steps were a continuation of 4 and 5: they were all about changing how I saw myself.  The change has not been so much one of identifying or changing what's supposedly wrong with me (i.e., shortcomings or defects of character) but rather, coming to see things that I thought were wrong with me and now seeing them more as being just perfect!  The greatest example of that truth is my alcoholism.  I'd thought for 30 years that being an alcoholic was the worst possible thing I could become: it turns out that it was the best thing that could ever happen to me!  Having alcoholism is not a shortcoming or a defect.  My shortcoming, if you want me to have one, was trying to be someone I wasn't.  The 6th and 7th steps have been extremely helpful in identifying other aspects of who I am that I once thought to be "wrong" and changing that perception to become more healthy and accurate.  More compassionate.  More loving.

The 8th and 9th steps started me on a journey more to the outside of me: to my actions and behaviors and how they impacted or harmed others.  Both in the past and now.  These steps allowed me to take my newfound perspectives and apply them to my relationships with others.  While all my past actions were needed for me to become who I am now, the fact is that much of my past acts harmed others in some significant ways and the damage to those relationships continued into the present.  These steps gave me a mechanism to go back to these people and begin a process of healing and forgiveness.  Only in a few instances did this amends process involve saying the words, "I'm sorry."  Most of the time, it involved my sharing my story and what was going on with me back when...  I hadn't meant to hurt them as I clearly did and I was now wanting to clean up those messes and harms as best I could.  My sack of shit got lighter and lighter as a result.

The last three steps have given me a regular daily routine whereby I can continue the basic "inside out" work I did in the previous nines steps.  The 10th step gives me a daily process where I can refocus my view of myself and my actions.  Where have I done harm and what can I do to repair the damage I may have done?  How can I do that with compassion and loving-kindness, both for others and for myself? 

The 11th step gives me a daily practice where I can be quiet and know that I am not God.  I am Mike and I'm an alcoholic.  And that's perfectly OK!  It gives me breathing room.

The 12th step has totally turned my life upside down and it happens again and again as I try to share what I have been given with others who struggle with this disease.  Each one of my sponsees, as well as many others in my life, have changed me by the fact that they trust me with their secrets and struggles.  I really don't think I give them much other than an ear and a few stories of what happened to me in similar circumstances.  I inevitably walk away from our time together with a totally different perspective on my day and myself.  I am blessed.

Wayne was right: The Steps and this whole recovery process are all about changing our preception and our perspectives.  I'll miss you my friend!!

Take care!

Mike L.