This morning as I was thinking about three of my sponsees who are all seemingly stuck in a very early recovery, I had a series of thoughts that sort of came pouring out:
- the prerequisite of grace is letting go of control
- the prerequisite of letting go of control is willingness
- the prerequisite of willingness is not wanting to do something
- the prerequisite to doing something that you don't want to do is hopelessness or despair.
I just left a men's meeting at Old St. Mary's Church in downtown San Francisco. The man who led the meeting read something from page 164 in the Big Book, including the most humble of all lines in our Big Book: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little." I am truly aware of my own ignorance when it comes to what will work for another person. I barely know what works for me and oftentimes I only learn that after thousands of failures and deadends and lots of pain.
So what do I know when I suggest to another suffering alcoholic that they consider trying what worked for me? Nothin. If anyone had suggested that I "let go" a moment before I did on the morning of October 20, 2001, I would have told them to go to hell and I would have stomped off without a clue as to what else I might try. I let go only when there was no energy left to hold on and no other options.
I suppose that will happen with these guys also. Or at least, I hope so. There's always the other alternatives of jails, institutions and death. Once again, I have to let the disease do the hard work of sponsoring the guys dumb enough to ask me to sponsor them.
Take care!
Mike L.
2 comments:
You said "the connection between the felt need to control things in my life and fearfulness is so close as to make them indistinguishable." I have to agree with that. The more I look at my life I see it is totally fear based in such an insane way. I even joined the Marine Corps to overcome my fears. The truth is: I was afraid to go to bootcamp, once there I was afraid of the training and the DI's, then when I got out I was afraid to go to war..afraid to do more training and fear of training accidents. Then I was afraid to get out! I had done the most extreme thing that my country offered me to overcome my fears, but I wound up MORE afraid. My fear really mesmerizes me. I dont understand the concept of fear. Sure I know, in its primal form, it alerts us to danger, but I dont understand how it paralyzes me....how it becomes...literally...my "enemy!" I am fearful, right this minute, that someone is gonna read this and think Im stupid. Im fearful that you, Mike, are going to tell me that you dont have any time for me afterall...man! I am really a fear based person. Help me overcome my fears Heaven, please!
Jason--
Thanks for your comment. To tell you the truth, I read your quote of something I wrote and I don't even recognize it as mine. I mean, I agree with it: but it's like someone else wrote it! I even agree with it --- which isn't always the case when I hear someone quote me --- even when the quote me correctly!
Someone (Freud?) said that there really are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. I understand that. But the more I chew on that, the more I believe that there really is only one Primary emotion: Love. Fear really isn't so much an emotion as it is the absence of Love.
There's nothing at all wrong with fear...at least for human beings. It's part of being human. What I've been learning is that I needn't fear Fear. It's perfectly OK. I'm getting better at being aware of Fear when it arises, listening to it with as little judgment as I can muster.
Take care!
Mike L.
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