Truthfully, I didn't believe him for a minute. There was much wrong with me, both now and all through my past. How could a disease be present in a perfect flawless person? A disease was "wrong" -- things weren't right when someone was sick. I tried to ignore Earle and there was much being said in meetings that seemed to support my strong suspicion that Earle was simply delusional and off on some well intentioned philosophical tangent. Seemed like many in AA were saying there was much wrong with us alcoholics and that these flaws all led to our drinking and were the underlying cause of our illness. We were, doesn't it say oftentimes in the Big Book, selfish and selfseeking and these were at the root of our drinking and our alcoholism. And, surely, if we didn't combat such flaws with all our might and willpower, we'd surely drink again. I mean weren't the Steps specifically designed to change us into something better than we were before we worked them?
But he was a stubborn old man and didn't seem to have any qualms about telling such folks that they were wrong --in fact, perfectly wrong! -- about believing that we were flawed and/or defective. We were perfect and if we'd just accept that truth, we'd find peace. And if we didn't find peace, well, that was just perfectly OK too.
Step 1 didn't pinpoint a defect in me when I acknowledged my powerlessness of alcohol: there's nothing wrong with being powerless over alcohol. It's simply just the way we alcoholics are. It's not a flaw, it's a condition. A fact. True, many of us learned to be ashamed and/or guilty about the growing suspicion that we were alcoholics...but we've all learned things that were simply not true.
Step 2 didn't say there was anything wrong with our hopelessness and insanity, it showed a way out of such hopelessness. Were it not for such hopelessness, we simply couldn't ever have achieved or experienced hope!
Step 3 did not say that we were less or bad before we placed our trust in something greater than ourselves. We did then what we knew how to do....when we knew better, we did better (thanks Maya Angelou!).
Step 4 did not say that we should do an "immoral" inventory, it said a moral inventory: inclusive of all that was. Nothing more than an honest appraisal of everything, so-called good and so-called bad. Were it not for all of it, we'd not be were we were now: and now was simply just the perfect place to be!
Step 5 didn't encourage us to disclose this moral inventory to another so that the other could confirm how wrong we were, quite the opposite: the sharing of the inventory was clearly intended as a mechanism where we could experience the full acceptance and love of another human being. They were there to listen without judgment or condemnation. We would hopefully walk away from that experience feeling that we were no longer alone, isolated...in self -constructed prisons.
Step 6 encouraged us to let go of the false idea that there was anything truly wrong with us. We should let go of such ideas and let them drift away with or without anyone's involvement. They'd served their purpose and we were done with them. Or, they'd not yet served their purpose and we weren't done with them. Or there was really no "purpose" to them at all. They'd helped us be more compassionate, loving, forgiving, tender, kind. Or they would.
Step 7 requires an attitude of humility: an attitude of openness to learning. "One is humble when one is willing to learn" Earle would often say. For me, the humility in this step involved being open to learning the full value and goodness of all that was part of me, without exception. If I'd ever characterize some part of me as "bad" or unacceptable, Earle would ask me, "Mike, what's wrong with that?" I'd try to answer as clearly and as honestly as I could, but he'd simply repeat the question again, "Well, what's wrong with that?" The more years I'm sober, the more I understand that the ultimate answer to that question is simply, there's nothing wrong with that. It's perfect.
Step 8 helped us acknowledge and list the harms we'd done others over the course of our lives and to become willing to go about mending what we'd broken or harmed in our relationships with others. We'd grown tired of loneliness and wanted to reconnect with others.
Step 9 was simply the beginning of a never ending process of reconnecting with others and rebuilding a full and vibrant human life. A new way of life.
Steps 10 thru 12 were a daily and ongoing process of transforming and growing as human beings.... "We are human be_ngs, not human was_ings" I heard someone say once in a meeting. We were rejoining the human race after a painful bout of self-hatred and denial about who we were. We found freedom by sharing what we'd been given with others who suffer from the same dis-ease that we have.
Since Earle's death, I've come across many wise words from others who seemed to believe just as Earle did....
You are perfect just the way you are. With all your flaws and
problems, there is no need to change anything. The only thing you need
to change is the thought that you have to change! (Zen saying)Watch the catepillar become a butterfly! Does it not transform? Why then do we think that we're responsible for changing ourselves? (Zen saying)
Put this program into action a thousand times: 1. Identify the negative feelings in you; 2. Realize that these feelings are in you, not in the world, not a part of external reality; 3. Know that these feelings are not an essential part of “I”, these things come and go; 4. Realize that when you change, everything changes! [Note: in the next chapter he goes on to say that by these statements, he does not mean to say that we have to change anything!] (Anthony DeMello, Awakening)
Change? Don't worry! It's simply not an option! (me)
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