The Trick: Giving It Away!

At this morning's 6am meeting at the Lafayette Hut, the chair mentioned an experience he had when he first got sober two years ago when someone gave him a 24 Hour chip after a meeting and how much that meant to him ever since. It brought to mind two of my favorite "chip stories":

The first happened toward the end of my first year of sobriety, sometime before Dr. Earle went into the hospital and when he was still able to attend meetings on a regular basis. As I've mentioned before, Earle got sober June 15, 1953 and two days following, I was born. Since I was 48 when I got sober, I believe this story happened sometime after June 2002, when Earle would have picked up his 49 year chip. It was then that Earle decided to give me and another guy, Rich (who really was like a son to Earle and who had a couple of more years sober than me...but who had known Earle for much longer than I had...) two of the 48 year chips that he'd received the prior year. I suppose that knew that he meant a great deal to the both of us and that we were both simpletons-enough to find this gift of a 48 year chip really a big deal!

Anyway, I carried that 48 year chip around in my pocket for months, right next to my cheap plastic 6- or 9-month chips. I'd often reach into my pocket while walking and hold on to the 48 year chip as some sort of talisman or lucky charm. It was thick and metal and had a heavy feel to it. It also always reminded me of Earle and of some "Earleism" (e.g., "Self-disclosure is the currency of AA: it's the thing of value that we exchange with one another." or "We desperately, desperately, need one another!!!"). But I also felt somewhat self-conscious about having this 48 year chip in my pocket when I only had 6 or 9 months! I mean, what if I got run over by a bus one day and killed. Someone would find a 9 month AND a 48 year sobriety chip...probably give that to my wife who would then give it to someone in AA who would then announce to the group that Mike must have been going around pretending to have 48 years of sobriety when he really only had 9 months! Come on, give me a break! That would have meant that I got sober when I was 9 months old! But that's the sorts of thoughts I have sometimes, even now.

The self-conscious thought continued though until one day I was attending an NA meeting, which has never been a real part of my recovery practice. I was attending the NA meeting though because at that meeting my son Pat was chairing and he was also celebrating his second year clean... I almost said "clean and sober" but Pat doesn't say that: he's clean. Alcohol is really just a drug like any other drug. But I digress. I listed to Pat's chair and there's simply nothing more moving to a father with one and a half year's sobriety listening to his seventeen year old son tell his story and then receive a two year chip. During the time for chairing, I never felt so at a loss for words in my life. The only thing that seemed to come close to expressing how proud I was of Pat was to reach in my pocket and pull out Earle's 48 year chip. Pat had fallen for Earle also and even spend one night with me in the hospital sitting with Earle during one of my "Earle watch" commitments... Pat slept most of the time, but he was there for Earle nonetheless.

I knew that Pat would appreciate it, so I raised my hand and told Pat that I was giving him something now that meant a great deal to me: Earle's 48 year sobriety chip. I loved Earle a great deal and thought of him daily since his death. I wanted Pat to have Earle's chip. But I told him that if he lost Earle's chip, I'd kill him! Everyone laughed, including Pat....but I told him I was serious! Then I laughed. About a year later I was looking for something in Pat's room --- it looked typical: like a tornado had just blown through the room. I noticed a wooden box on Pat's bookshelf and opened it up (respecting another's privacy has never been one of my strong points!) and found all of Pat's clean chips and 24-hour NA key holders. There were many of them--it took him 5 months before something clicked and before the clicking happened, he wasn't able to get much more that 5-10 days continuous clean time. Anyway I dug through the chips with my finger and at the bottom of the box was Earle's 48 year chip. I smiled, glad that I didn't have to kill my son.

I was just about to tell you my second special chip story, when I realized that I've already blogged about it!!!

http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com/2008/02/gift-that-never-stops-being-given.html

I'm so glad that I hadn't already told the one I just told today!!! I sometimes do that!

Take care!

Mike L.

Expectations

I was talking with a friend (with 25 years of sobriety) the other day and he told me that he was getting fed up with the meetings he'd been attending and was needing to move on and find better meetings. While I sympathized with him (and gave him some suggestions of some new meetings to try out), I also said that in the past I've had similar conversation with another friend with long term sobriety (33 years) who was getting ready to explode if he didn't find other meetings to go to, the one he was going to was driving him crazy!

What struck me about the second guy with 33 years is that the meeting he was talking about was one that I attended on a regular basis and one that I actually quite enjoyed. In fact, I include it in a group of a few meetings that I consider "home-like" in that I go to them regularly enough that everyone knows my name...just like the Cheers pub was home for Norm. Now, when he said the meeting was driving him crazy, I knew without him telling me what the specifics were underneath that frustration: people being rude during the meeting (talking while someone else is sharing), certain newcomers whining about the same stuff (again and again and again, day after day after day, week after week after week!), etc. I actually refer to that group as "The Wild West of AA". Great meeting, but I suppose not for everybody.

But for some reason, the stuff that was driving him to the edge of insanity and/or homicide, didn't really bother me at all...or not much anyway. Why was that? Today, I realized that it had to do with expectations. I was having very different expectations from meetings than my two oldtimer friends. They seemed to want order, politeness, courtesy, solutions, respect, etc. I just wanted to be there to hear solutions (or at least, problems that were calling out for solutions!), to meet/help other suffering alcoholics and most importantly, to see myself reflected in each person there (especially those folks that annoyed the shit out of me!), etc.

Anyway, I remembered something that once helped me massage my own expectations of others. It's called "The Paradoxical Commandments" and there are various versions of this floating around the Internet. Many of the versions are ascribed to Mother Teresa....but in actuality, they were written by a young man when he was in college I believe and who appears to be living with a long term resentment over the plagiarism being used by others with this literary work of his.... You can learn more about him and this by going to: http://www.paradoxicalcommandments.com/

Anyway, here's the version I committed to memory. I use it infrequently, but when I'm struggling with someone not meeting my expectations it's really come in handy!:

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered...
LOVE THEM ANYWAY!

If you do good,
people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives...
DO GOOD ANYWAY!

If you are successful,
you will win false friends and true enemies...
SUCCEED ANYWAY!

The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow...
DO GOOD ANYWAY!

Being frank and honest makes you vulnerable...
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY!

What took you years to build,
may be destroyed overnight....
BUILD ANYWAY!

People really need you help,
but may attack you if you help them...
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY!

Give the world all you have,
and you'll get kicked in the teeth!!
GIVE THE WORLD ALL YOU HAVE GOT...ANYWAY!

Take care!

Mike L.

You Are Perfect, Just the Way You Are...

This is what Earle, my first real sponsor--grandsponsor to be more accurate--used to repeat me me and others again and again and again. He would phrase it differently and sometimes, it would simply be hidden in one of his stories... Much of what Earle tried to pass on related to this one simple truth: there was simply nothing wrong with me. I was perfect just as I was. I didn't need to change anything. Period.

Truthfully, I didn't believe him for a minute. There was much wrong with me, both now and all through my past. How could a disease be present in a perfect flawless person? A disease was "wrong" -- things weren't right when someone was sick. I tried to ignore Earle and there was much being said in meetings that seemed to support my strong suspicion that Earle was simply delusional and off on some well intentioned philosophical tangent. Seemed like many in AA were saying there was much wrong with us alcoholics and that these flaws all led to our drinking and were the underlying cause of our illness. We were, doesn't it say oftentimes in the Big Book, selfish and selfseeking and these were at the root of our drinking and our alcoholism. And, surely, if we didn't combat such flaws with all our might and willpower, we'd surely drink again. I mean weren't the Steps specifically designed to change us into something better than we were before we worked them?

But he was a stubborn old man and didn't seem to have any qualms about telling such folks that they were wrong --in fact, perfectly wrong! -- about believing that we were flawed and/or defective. We were perfect and if we'd just accept that truth, we'd find peace. And if we didn't find peace, well, that was just perfectly OK too.

Step 1 didn't pinpoint a defect in me when I acknowledged my powerlessness of alcohol: there's nothing wrong with being powerless over alcohol. It's simply just the way we alcoholics are. It's not a flaw, it's a condition. A fact. True, many of us learned to be ashamed and/or guilty about the growing suspicion that we were alcoholics...but we've all learned things that were simply not true.

Step 2 didn't say there was anything wrong with our hopelessness and insanity, it showed a way out of such hopelessness. Were it not for such hopelessness, we simply couldn't ever have achieved or experienced hope!

Step 3 did not say that we were less or bad before we placed our trust in something greater than ourselves. We did then what we knew how to do....when we knew better, we did better (thanks Maya Angelou!).

Step 4 did not say that we should do an "immoral" inventory, it said a moral inventory: inclusive of all that was. Nothing more than an honest appraisal of everything, so-called good and so-called bad. Were it not for all of it, we'd not be were we were now: and now was simply just the perfect place to be!

Step 5 didn't encourage us to disclose this moral inventory to another so that the other could confirm how wrong we were, quite the opposite: the sharing of the inventory was clearly intended as a mechanism where we could experience the full acceptance and love of another human being. They were there to listen without judgment or condemnation. We would hopefully walk away from that experience feeling that we were no longer alone, isolated...in self -constructed prisons.

Step 6 encouraged us to let go of the false idea that there was anything truly wrong with us. We should let go of such ideas and let them drift away with or without anyone's involvement. They'd served their purpose and we were done with them. Or, they'd not yet served their purpose and we weren't done with them. Or there was really no "purpose" to them at all. They'd helped us be more compassionate, loving, forgiving, tender, kind. Or they would.

Step 7 requires an attitude of humility: an attitude of openness to learning. "One is humble when one is willing to learn" Earle would often say. For me, the humility in this step involved being open to learning the full value and goodness of all that was part of me, without exception. If I'd ever characterize some part of me as "bad" or unacceptable, Earle would ask me, "Mike, what's wrong with that?" I'd try to answer as clearly and as honestly as I could, but he'd simply repeat the question again, "Well, what's wrong with that?" The more years I'm sober, the more I understand that the ultimate answer to that question is simply, there's nothing wrong with that. It's perfect.

Step 8 helped us acknowledge and list the harms we'd done others over the course of our lives and to become willing to go about mending what we'd broken or harmed in our relationships with others. We'd grown tired of loneliness and wanted to reconnect with others.

Step 9 was simply the beginning of a never ending process of reconnecting with others and rebuilding a full and vibrant human life. A new way of life.

Steps 10 thru 12 were a daily and ongoing process of transforming and growing as human beings.... "We are human be_ngs, not human was_ings" I heard someone say once in a meeting. We were rejoining the human race after a painful bout of self-hatred and denial about who we were. We found freedom by sharing what we'd been given with others who suffer from the same dis-ease that we have.


Since Earle's death, I've come across many wise words from others who seemed to believe just as Earle did....

You are perfect just the way you are. With all your flaws and
problems, there is no need to change anything. The only thing you need
to change is the thought that you have to change! (Zen saying)

Watch the catepillar become a butterfly! Does it not transform? Why then do we think that we're responsible for changing ourselves? (Zen saying)

Put this program into action a thousand times: 1. Identify the negative feelings in you; 2. Realize that these feelings are in you, not in the world, not a part of external reality; 3. Know that these feelings are not an essential part of “I”, these things come and go; 4. Realize that when you change, everything changes! [Note: in the next chapter he goes on to say that by these statements, he does not mean to say that we have to change anything!] (Anthony DeMello, Awakening)

Change? Don't worry! It's simply not an option! (me)

Ever Get Stuck in a Step?

I heard someone once share that their sponsor told them that if they ever found themselves stuck in a step (which oftentimes happens with the 4th and 8/9th steps...), that while the steps were meant to be worked in order, that she should always know that she was free to work any step that contained a "1" in it, even if it wasn't "in order".

She also noted that Step 11 has two "1s" in it and that means that this particular step could be doubly worked at any time no matter where someone was in terms of working the 12 steps!

I've always found this helpful to me. I know that I personally did not work the steps in order. I did begin at Step 1, in fact, I think I began that steps a full 10 months before I walked into my first meeting of AA: it began the moment I realized that I truly couldn't stop drinking! And I continued that step as I walked into these rooms and probably focused primarily on that one step for at least the first full year of sobriety.

But I didn't really go next to Step 2, I jumped ahead to Step 9 and started trying my best to repair some of the damage I'd inflicted on my wife of 20 years as a result of my drinking and all my fruitless attempts to "control and enjoy" my drinking. That attempt, well-meaning as it was, probably caused more damage than healing....but I stumbled through it and eventually realized what I was doing (as a result of some great guidance from my sponsor...after the fact as is common for me!) was not appropriate or helpful. I then returned to Steps 2 and 3 and so on....

It took me about 3 1/2 years to completely work through the Steps, I was really in no rush as the obsession to drink had left me two days before coming into AA and the slower and gentler way was working for me. I did develop a routine "maintenance program" (Steps 10, 11 and 12) from very early in my sobriety --- I began to deal with current day harms and making amends as needed (Step 10); developing a daily series of meditation/prayer exercises (Step 11) that I could do while commuting to work and doing whatever I could to help another alcoholic (Step 12) and share whatever amount of the message that I could carry at that point in time. I've kept that daily maintenance program, which includes many meetings each week and blogging here as often as I can. My life is full and I rarely feel "stuck" anymore.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Twelves Steps of AA: A Circular Not Linear Process

Early on in my recovery, I heard quite a few people motivate themselves and others in terms of working the steps by means of the following "carrot": if you work the steps (in order, of course) you will have a spiritual awakening, and thereby, be able to stay sober. That always sort of bothered me because my experience was that I had such a life changing and obsession obliterating spiritual awakening two days before my first AA meeting and as a result of that experience, my obsession to drink vanished and has yet to return in over six years.

I even remember one meeting where an oldtimer told the group that the only way to have this spiritual awakening was by working all twelve of the steps! Luckily, another oldtimer chimed in and offered a dissenting view: that the 12th step says: After having had "a" spiritual awakening as the result of these steps... It didn't say: "Only after having worked these steps did we have a spiritual awakening... " AA is not in charge of doling out "spiritual awakenings" and such awakenings are not the sole possession of recovering alcoholics or AA.

That said, I do believe that my own spiritual awakening happened on the morning of October 20, 2001 and I also believe that that spiritual awakening was a direct result of the working of the 12 steps of AA. But it wasn't me who worked the 12 steps that led to my awakening, it was my 15 year old son and two other young people who began getting clean and sober earlier that year in 2001. My son Pat began his recovery at 15 years old in January 2001, roughly speaking, when he began a drug treatment program at Kaiser. When he began his recovery, it was the first time in my life when I couldn't stop drinking. Until then, I could stop and I proved I wasn't an alcoholic many many times by demonstrating to myself and others, if necessary, that I could stop anytime I wanted to. I did that stopping many many many times. The stopping would always end up with a "starting" though --- whenever I got to the point that I (and hopefully others) was convinced that I had actually stopped.

Well, when Pat started his recovery, I couldn't stop drinking. Sure, I could manage it somewhat and keep it hidden (it was horrible!!!), but I couldn't stop. For about ten months, I think I drank some alcohol almost every day "in secret". Usually while Pat was safely in his 12 step meetings.

Although it took him some months to actually "lapse" in his using/drinking, it will soon be seven years since his last use of a mind-altering drug. His awakening or moment of clarity happened May 10, 2001. In June, he'll turned 22 years old.

My guess is that Pat's waking up was the direct result of someone else becoming transformed via the 12 steps and this program of recovery. I know without question, that my awakening on the morning of October 20, 2001 was a direct result of Pat and two other kids getting clean and sober and working this process to the best of their ability, one day at a time.

In this way then, I see the 12 steps as being a circular process beginning at Step 1 and working around a circle "clockwise" until we get to 12: when we do that, somehow the miracle of AA spreads to another and allows them to begin their own personal journey of recovery at Step 1, and so on and so on. The process is certainly not linear, not something that we go through and complete---no such thing as a AA graduation or "certificate of completion". It's a ongoing, ever evolving process.

While the disease of alcoholism/addiction may be genetic in nature, I've become absolutely convinced that recovery is wildly contagious and impacts all others around us, whether we know it or not.

Take care!

Mike