Are There Really Defects of Character?

I've always had somewhat of a problem with the concept of "defects of character" which is something I'd never heard of until getting sober almost 8 years ago. My problem with this concept is probably due to how "defects" were handled in my law school days. I suppose I still analyze "character defects" with lawyer-like eyes. As an aside: I decided shortly before completing law school that I didn't want to become a lawyer: if I were to do that, I'd surely become an alcoholic!! Anyway, I still think a little lawyerly (in no small part because I currently work for lawyers) to my wife's chagrine.
Anyway, here's how my "anal"yzing (thank you, wife) goes: When Ford built the infamous Pinto and the Pinto was later determined to have a defective gas tank, Ford became liable for such manufacturer's defects. Builders of products are expected to do their work with a level of care sufficient to protect the public.

If then, "defects of character" are like manufacturing defects, I then went on to wonder then if the creator/manufacturer of us humans should be subject to the same expectation and liability that we hold to other manufacturers like Ford, Chrysler, etc.? If indeed we are capable of having so-called defects of character, can't we legitimately blame our creator? Can we sue God?

A silly line of logic/reasoning, I know. Regardless, I've always been more ta little hesitant to buy-in to the popular AA rhetoric about the root of our drinking problem being some sort of defect of character (e.g., selfishness and/or self-centeredness). Nor do I buy the idea that somehow, if we're going to be able to stay sober, we're going to have to get rid of such defects of character and thereby reach some state of "happy-joy-freedom-ness." Aren't these the character flaws the very targets of the 6th and 7th Steps, if not all of the steps? No, not for me.

I've been convinced since very early in my own recovery that the root of my so-called drinking problem is physiological in nature. My body processes alcohol and other drugs differently than those who are not alcoholics. That progressive drinking problem sure did impact my physical, emotional, social and spiritual development or maturity; but, any immaturity in my physical, emotional, social and/or spiritual self is/was not the cause of my alcoholism. I personally don't believe that the root of my problem is spiritual, emotional or social.

How then did I work a 6th step? It was pounded into my head by my sponsors that "I was perfect, just the way I was and that I didn't need to change anything." The solution to the problem of alcoholism was not to stop being an alcoholic or having God remove my alcoholism. The solution was waking up to the fact that I was an alcoholic and accepting that truth at my innermost core. The alcoholism wasn't taken away, it's still here, alive and well. What's changed is something in me: in this recovery process, I'm understanding more the truth about who I am, why I've done what I've done in the past and what I can do to do better in the future.

In the first step, I came to a deep acceptance of who I am as alcoholic and that's becoming ever more clear to me as I continue down this path. In the second step, I came to understand that there was a path before me which would allow me to be the best Mike that I can be and that I don't need alcohol or other outside substances in order to be OK with myself. In the third step, I submitted my resignation as God and Controller of My Universe and began a process of letting go of my choke hold on life as it is.

In the fourth step, I took the time to reminisce about the past through the eyes of understanding and list out all those events of my life for which I still held a strong sense of shame or guilt. Guilt for the wrongs I'd done; Shame for who I was. The fifth step kept me from getting mired in this remembrance of the past and helped me achieve a sense of freedom and lightness by the mere sharing of these secrets with others. I discovered my humanness. That I was a human BEing, not a human WASing.

In the sixth step, what then was I entirely ready to have taken away? Well, first of all, I don't believe that anything was taken away by someone external to me, God or anyone else. What I experienced was that I came to a point when I realized that the only thing holding on to my past was me and that this behavior was causing me needless pain and keeping me from being the best Mike that I can be. When I realize that (this is an ongoing process for me...) truth in terms of any one particular "defect" or "flaw", I let go and move on. The defect or flaw has served its purpose and I can let it die a natural death. What died in my first step was not the disease (or defect/flaw) of alcoholism, but the false idea that being alcoholic was wrong or was my fault. It was neither wrong or my fault. It just was the way I was, the way I still am. Accepting that truth didn't make the disease go away, it allowed me to be perfectly at peace with this aspect of who Mike is.

The same happens with other aspects of who I am, what I suppose people are referring to when they talk about "defects of character." I suppose I don't like the phrase "defects of character" because it seems to convey that there's something wrong with me. And the only thing wrong with me is the fact that I haven't yet discovered the truth about me in terms of any particular "defect" or incompleteness about me. Once I discover that truth, what was once a "defect" or flaw, becomes awareness and truth. It becomes perfectly ok. Defects of character are like coins, they all have two sides as it were: a positive and a negative side. We tend to be more aware of the negative side, because that's the easiest for us to see and the easiest for others to see AND point out to us!

If I were to sue God in court for any sort of claim that this creation called Mike was defective in any way, I think that God's response to the judge would simply be that "I'm not done with Mike yet!" I am not a manufactured being, I'm a being in the process of creation. God's not done with me yet. My suit would be thrown out as being premature. As things stand now, my sponsors were right (again!) --- I'm perfect just the way I am, right now and right here. And I'm not done becoming yet!

I like what David Richo said in Shadow Dance, "An acorn is not a defect, only a not-yet!"

Take care!

Mike L.

The Object of Our Focus

In several recent meetings, people have been talking about their struggles with getting rid of defects of character. It's coming not so much from those new in the process, but from those with quite a few years. I've never been a big fan of this whole issue of defects of characters and I've written about that before, so won't repeat it here. What I haven't talked about though, is how I approach those things in me that I don't particularly like or which seem to cause me and/or others harm or hurt.

My approach, like most things AA, is not really original. I first learned about this technique by reading Dr. Paul O's story in the Big Book (Acceptance is the Answer) and seeing how he dealt with these defects in himself and in others by not focusing on them, but rather, focusing on what's good in others and in himself. He described this as his "magnifying mind" --- whatever he focused on got bigger. If he focused on his wife's weaknesses, it was the weaknesses that would grow and multiply. If, on the other hand though, he focused on the good qualities in his wife, those qualities seemed to magically grow. In fact, they grew so much that they seemed to annihilate the negative traits that used to occupy all his waking moments. He found the same thing to be true in terms of how he looked at himself: if he focused on the negative, the negative grew. If he focused on the positive, the positive grew.

I also learned about this different approach to living from Dr. Earle (also an author of one of the stories in the Big Book, Physician Heal Thyself). He too was not a big fan of the defect of character bandwagon in AA and didn't spend much time at all talking about such rubbish. He encouraged newcomers to not rush into the 4th/5th step process --- to hold off on that until at least a year of being sober. He felt that most of us were sufficiently convinced of how horrible we were as human beings that we didn't need to devote excessive energy in early recovery on giving more strength to such self-loathing and self-hatred. Of course, if someone had something really bothering them and weighing them down, he'd always make himself available to talk that stuff out so that it didn't drag us down into a dark hole---but for the most part, he suggested that people focus on healing their bodies, getting connected with others in recovery and getting settled in the "not drinking" part of the program.

In my own early recovery, I bought into the popular AA logic in terms of expending much energy trying to change myself and my surroundings and relationships. Tried to repair years of damage in a single bound only to cause even more harm and hurt. Eventually, I was convinced that that was not working and worse than not working, it was causing more harm. I became willing to try another way and that's when I started trying to develop the new habits of being kind toward myself and others, trying not to tear myself and others down by judgments and condemnation, trying to find compassion for myself and others.

Eventually, I started seeing that each of my so-called "defects" were like coins: they all had at least two sides. The side that I had always seen as the bad, negative and painful side. But they also had another side to them which seemed to balance things out for me: the other side was the good and the whole. Alcoholism is the best example of one of the coins: the negative side was easy (too easy) for me to see and document. But the positive side put things in balance: were I not an alcoholic, I would not have all that I have in my life right now: my recovery, my relationship with my son, my wife and other children. None of those relationships would be as deep and real as they are were it not for the fact that I am an alcoholic in recovery. And I wouldn't be an alcoholic in recovery if I had not been an alcoholic in my disease. Both sides of that coin are absolutely necessary, and therefore, good.

So in the end, I've come to see so-called defects of character not as cancerous growths requiring surgical removal. I see them more as leaves on the tree of my life: each and every one has a reason and a purpose. And each and everyone one of them will eventually serve it's purpose and will eventually fall to the ground. I don't need to rip them off: they will fall when it's their time.

My life goes though cycles of growth, hibernation, death and rebirth. Everything is perfect. Everything has been perfect. Everything will be perfect. Just the way it is.

Take care!

Mike L.

Character Trait Building

I've been feeling particularly grateful in recent days for the fact that none of my sponsors saw fit to over-emphasize the importance of dedicating lots of effort toward 'removing one's character defects.'

Earle told me very early in my recovery process that he strongly believed that many people rush too quickly into the 4th step process. He said that most of us come into these rooms pretty well beaten up, demoralized, ashamed and guilty beyond comprehension. In his less than humble opinion (that's normal I suppose for someone with 48 years sober...), people would be better off waiting about a year before beginning the 4th step process. Of course, if there was something heavy troubling you, don't hesitate to talk that out with someone....but other than that just focus on staying sober, connecting with others in this fellowship and working the first 3 steps. I took that advice, and ran with it! (Didn't really begin focusing on the 4th step until just before Earle's death, 14 months after I got sober.)

After that advice was given, whenever the topic of character defects would come up though, I got the clear impression that Earle was not much into what seemed to be the AA character removal bandwagon. That isn't to say that he didn't see great healing power in the process of self-knowledge and understanding, or the process of honest self-disclosure to another human being---he certainly did. He was a psychiatrist for Christ's sake!

I think what troubled him (and me) about all the emphasis and emotional effort being placed into character defects was the almost gleeful way people talked about how bad they were and had been in the past. "You think you were bad? Listen to this badder story about me!" And also on how formalistic or legalistic the 4th step process had become---people were so busy thinking in terms of 'form' (where's your fourth column? did you write it all down? did you include all the sexual stuff?) that they paid little attention to the substance of self-reflection and remorse....

No, Earle didn't spend much time on defects of character. In some sense, he didn't even believe in their existence. "Mike," he would often say, "you are perfect just the way you are. You don't need to change anything at all. Don't even waste your time trying."

Looking back now, I see that I haven't spent much time at all in the last seven years worrying about getting rid of those pesky defects of character. So you might wonder, whatever happened to those defects? Or as Dr. Phil would say, "So, how's that working for you Mike?". Well, it's working fine -- thank you for asking.

The defects which were grabbing most of my (and my wife's!) attention are still there, alive and well.... But they appear to be less harmful to me and others, less glaring, less annoying, less fearful, less shameful, less burdensome.

They seem to be melting. Dying from a lack of attention. Instead, I am learning to be more kind, compassionate, passionate, gentle, forgiving, humble, funny, light-hearted....loving and loved.
Character trait building has been very good for me. I think i'll keep going down this path.

Take care!

Mike L.