3rd Step without Kneeling, without Prayer

99.9999999% of the time when I hear people talking about their "working" of the 3rd Step, their story inevitably seems to include the acts of kneeling and then saying the 3rd Step Prayer. The other .0000001% of the time? What I hear is lonely ol' me talking about my being worked by the 3rd Step without kneeling, without prayer. When I was worked by the 3rd Step, it did not and does not involve me kneeling down. Neither did it nor does it involve saying or praying what other people refer to as the 3rd Step Prayer. No step has me feeling as lonely and as isolated as the 3rd Step. And it's been that way since the beginning of my recovery in AA.

My very first sponsor was someone who took people through the book page by page. I didn't seem to mind that much at all, until we got close to the 3rd step. As we did that, he began talking about his experience of the 3rd step with his sponsor: how they walked up to the top of some hill in Pleasant Hill, California and then they both knelt down in front of a bench and together prayed the 3rd step prayer out loud. From the very first time he told me that story, I knew one thing for certain: there was not a way in Hell that I was going to kneel down with him or anyone else and pray this or any other prayer together. Not surprisingly, this sponsor was long gone before the 3rd step ended up working me.

For me, this sponsor's plan for me seemed totally contrary to everything I had been taught and had read in AA literature. What I had taken from the readings and the meetings was that we were free to come up with our own concept of a higher power, or not. We didn't have to accept anyone else's concept of God nor did we have to accept existence of God in order to stay sober or to be a full fledged member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And if that was true, then why were we expecting (or even suggesting!) one another to take on a specific practice common to some, but not all religions or spiritual traditions, involving kneeling before one's God in prayer. If the words of the 3rd step prayer were really suggested as it is written in the Big Book, then why is it everyone seems to follow like sheep and use only those words of prayer to express their "decision to turn their will and their lives over to the care of God, as they understood him."

Nope. There was no way I was going to do that. To do that would make me a member of a cult. And to assure myself that this was not a cult, I was going to make sure that I could stay a full fledged and sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous without kneeling and without saying the 3rd Step Prayer. And I have done just that. [Thank you Dr. Earle!]

For me, my decision to turn my life and my will over to my higher power involved and still involves the simple and repeated daily acts of letting go. Letting go of the deep seeded but mistaken belief that I am God. Or at least God-like. The very act of my drinking was the clearest example of my learning to play God. With alcohol, I found a powerful means of changing myself, my feelings, my surroundings, my past. Everything. God could create the world. And in effect, with alcohol, so could I. Until I couldn't. Eventually, what I thought was a solution turned on me.

I was a flea on the tail, thinking it was wagging the dog.

All this said, I do not want to leave anyone with the impression that I do not kneel or that I do not pray. I do. I kneel most mornings when I do several stretching movements (based on a book, 3 Minutes to a Painfree Life). I also kneel when I meditate: I use a sitting stool which allows me to kneel down and sit on a stool just above the back of my heals. This meditation stool helps me kneel in meditation without any pain in my knees or legs and it allows me to keep my back/spine straight and my breathing slow and natural. I'd done this several months before I realized I'd broken my vow never to kneel before God or anyone else! Kneeling in prayer never made sense to me after I had the feeling that God's response to my kneeling was something along the lines of, "Hey, Mike? What are you doing down there?" And then we laughed at the silliness of it all.

I use a variety of prayers that I've memorized to help me become focused on positive and loving thoughts. You might even be surprised that I even use a version of the 3rd Step Prayer, which I call "My Version":

God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will. Take away my difficulties, or not, that victory or defeat over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your powerlessness, your love and your way of life. May I do your will always.

As you can see, my version takes out all the Thees and Thous and replaces them with today's English. And as I ask my God to take away my difficulties, I also add that "or not" to express that I don't have a big investment or desire to have my difficulties taken away: some, if not all, of my difficulties have been my biggest gift in life! Alcoholism being the greatest difficulty/gift! Victory over difficulties is nice, but defeat over difficulties has oftentimes been far more important: my 30 year attempt to "not be an alcoholic" has been my most important and life-saving defeat. God's powerlessness: as I see it, God is just as powerless over my alcoholism as I am. I'm an alcoholic whether God likes it or not. I don't subscribe to the view that God made me an alcoholic and/or that God had some sort of "purpose" in mind by making me an alcoholic. The God of my understanding doesn't seem to get involved in that sort of day-to-day stuff or to intervene in the ongoing creation process that was begun bzillions of years ago from a simple and complete act of love. And that commitment to do God's will always? God's will is nothing more or less that same simple and complete act of love. May that Love be the source of my will, my acts, my thoughts, my words....always.
Turns out then that neither the acts of kneeling or praying were part of the commitment or decision I made in the 3rd step----but they are tools I can use on a daily basis to maintain my commitment to let go of the idea that I am God-like and to accept myself as the particular human being I am today.
Mike L.

You Are Perfect, Just the Way You Are...

This is what Earle, my first real sponsor--grandsponsor to be more accurate--used to repeat me me and others again and again and again. He would phrase it differently and sometimes, it would simply be hidden in one of his stories... Much of what Earle tried to pass on related to this one simple truth: there was simply nothing wrong with me. I was perfect just as I was. I didn't need to change anything. Period.

Truthfully, I didn't believe him for a minute. There was much wrong with me, both now and all through my past. How could a disease be present in a perfect flawless person? A disease was "wrong" -- things weren't right when someone was sick. I tried to ignore Earle and there was much being said in meetings that seemed to support my strong suspicion that Earle was simply delusional and off on some well intentioned philosophical tangent. Seemed like many in AA were saying there was much wrong with us alcoholics and that these flaws all led to our drinking and were the underlying cause of our illness. We were, doesn't it say oftentimes in the Big Book, selfish and selfseeking and these were at the root of our drinking and our alcoholism. And, surely, if we didn't combat such flaws with all our might and willpower, we'd surely drink again. I mean weren't the Steps specifically designed to change us into something better than we were before we worked them?

But he was a stubborn old man and didn't seem to have any qualms about telling such folks that they were wrong --in fact, perfectly wrong! -- about believing that we were flawed and/or defective. We were perfect and if we'd just accept that truth, we'd find peace. And if we didn't find peace, well, that was just perfectly OK too.

Step 1 didn't pinpoint a defect in me when I acknowledged my powerlessness of alcohol: there's nothing wrong with being powerless over alcohol. It's simply just the way we alcoholics are. It's not a flaw, it's a condition. A fact. True, many of us learned to be ashamed and/or guilty about the growing suspicion that we were alcoholics...but we've all learned things that were simply not true.

Step 2 didn't say there was anything wrong with our hopelessness and insanity, it showed a way out of such hopelessness. Were it not for such hopelessness, we simply couldn't ever have achieved or experienced hope!

Step 3 did not say that we were less or bad before we placed our trust in something greater than ourselves. We did then what we knew how to do....when we knew better, we did better (thanks Maya Angelou!).

Step 4 did not say that we should do an "immoral" inventory, it said a moral inventory: inclusive of all that was. Nothing more than an honest appraisal of everything, so-called good and so-called bad. Were it not for all of it, we'd not be were we were now: and now was simply just the perfect place to be!

Step 5 didn't encourage us to disclose this moral inventory to another so that the other could confirm how wrong we were, quite the opposite: the sharing of the inventory was clearly intended as a mechanism where we could experience the full acceptance and love of another human being. They were there to listen without judgment or condemnation. We would hopefully walk away from that experience feeling that we were no longer alone, isolated...in self -constructed prisons.

Step 6 encouraged us to let go of the false idea that there was anything truly wrong with us. We should let go of such ideas and let them drift away with or without anyone's involvement. They'd served their purpose and we were done with them. Or, they'd not yet served their purpose and we weren't done with them. Or there was really no "purpose" to them at all. They'd helped us be more compassionate, loving, forgiving, tender, kind. Or they would.

Step 7 requires an attitude of humility: an attitude of openness to learning. "One is humble when one is willing to learn" Earle would often say. For me, the humility in this step involved being open to learning the full value and goodness of all that was part of me, without exception. If I'd ever characterize some part of me as "bad" or unacceptable, Earle would ask me, "Mike, what's wrong with that?" I'd try to answer as clearly and as honestly as I could, but he'd simply repeat the question again, "Well, what's wrong with that?" The more years I'm sober, the more I understand that the ultimate answer to that question is simply, there's nothing wrong with that. It's perfect.

Step 8 helped us acknowledge and list the harms we'd done others over the course of our lives and to become willing to go about mending what we'd broken or harmed in our relationships with others. We'd grown tired of loneliness and wanted to reconnect with others.

Step 9 was simply the beginning of a never ending process of reconnecting with others and rebuilding a full and vibrant human life. A new way of life.

Steps 10 thru 12 were a daily and ongoing process of transforming and growing as human beings.... "We are human be_ngs, not human was_ings" I heard someone say once in a meeting. We were rejoining the human race after a painful bout of self-hatred and denial about who we were. We found freedom by sharing what we'd been given with others who suffer from the same dis-ease that we have.


Since Earle's death, I've come across many wise words from others who seemed to believe just as Earle did....

You are perfect just the way you are. With all your flaws and
problems, there is no need to change anything. The only thing you need
to change is the thought that you have to change! (Zen saying)

Watch the catepillar become a butterfly! Does it not transform? Why then do we think that we're responsible for changing ourselves? (Zen saying)

Put this program into action a thousand times: 1. Identify the negative feelings in you; 2. Realize that these feelings are in you, not in the world, not a part of external reality; 3. Know that these feelings are not an essential part of “I”, these things come and go; 4. Realize that when you change, everything changes! [Note: in the next chapter he goes on to say that by these statements, he does not mean to say that we have to change anything!] (Anthony DeMello, Awakening)

Change? Don't worry! It's simply not an option! (me)