Apparently, 40 Out of 86 Affirmations Were More Than Enough...

Two years ago, as I was getting closer and closer to the birth of my first grandchild, I was finishing another David Richo book called, "When Love Meets Fear". Of course, as luck would have it, the more I progressed through the book, the more I became aware of fear and fearful things in my life. It was clear in each case that the fears were already there before I'd even touched the book, I was just becoming more aware of them and less afraid of most of them. Including some fears directly related to the impending birth of this first granddaughter.

At the end of this book, Richo included a list of "fear affirmations" and I ended up memorizing all 156 of these just in time for Harper's in November 2010. While Harper was coming into this world, I waited in the waiting room and wrote a blog on fear and quoted all 156 of those affirmations. http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com/2010/11/taking-advantage-of-richos-fear.html?m=1

Not long after my youngest daughter's marriage to Daniel in June of last year, Rachel became pregnant and she was ecstatic! She seemed to live for having a baby. She, like her older sister Katie, always wanted above all else to be a mother. Me on the other hand? I started experiencing a resurgence of fear. I refreshed my memory of Richo's 156 fear affirmations, but that only seemed to increase the fears. I tried re-reading When Love Meets Fear and other than discovering that all 156 fear affirmations we plagiarized by his own book, that didn't help much either! But as I got toward the end of the book I discovered that Richo had also included another list of affirmations: 86 of them. I read through the first ten or so and nothing really struck me as insightful or beautiful (these being the usual requirements leading to me deciding to memorizing something...). But I was getting desperate as the baby was due in about a month. So I began memorizing them in groups of five.

I'd memorized 40 of them when Rachel learned that her son Oliver had died in her womb one day before he was due to be born. One day shot of 40 Weeks. Oliver was born the following day and that was five days ago. Yesterday, after the funeral service, I had to drive my son back to Berkeley so he could work today. On the way back to Sacramento today, I started reciting these initial 40 affirmations. As I did this I began to realize how each and every one of these affirmations had been a huge part of how I successfully walked through all that I have in the last five days, especially

#27: I accept the losses in my life and grieve them fully.

And

#28: I allow every human feeling.

This is precisely what I did as I began saving Yes to Grief Tuesday morning...

I will soon resume memorizing the rest of this batch of 86 affirmations, but for now at least these first 40 are more than enough!

Thank you David Richo!

Take care! Glad to be back blogging, even if by iPhone thumbing.

Mike L.

Commitment to Fear Work

As I mentioned in my last blog, I've been reading another book by David Richo called "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-less and Resource-full".  Great book.  It's where I got the line about the one obstacle to grace being control.  Boy, has that line been turning over my life as a gardner would turn over garden soil at the end/beginning of a growing season!

Further into the book, Richo (who is not a recovering alcoholic, but who has psychotherapy clients who are...) writes down a long list of affirmations all having to do with fear.  He refers to the list as an inventory.  This week, I committed to memorizing this list of affirmations (all 156 of them...) over the next several weeks.  Memorization and recitation is a huge, albeit strange and ongoing part of my recovery work.  It has been almost from the beginning and for the last couple of months I've been waiting to come across something new and beautiful to memorize. 

This list of fear affirmations jumped out at me and after getting over the initial block of "there's way too many of these to memorize!" negative thoughts, I quickly responded to the fearful self with a kind reminder that I don't have to memorize all 156 at once.  I can do them, like many other things I've memorized or committed to in the past, one line, one day at a time.

Here are the first twenty affirmations to give you a sense of this different type of fear inventory:  (FYI: I've found that when memorizing a long list like this it works best when I go one line at a time and then progress forward in groups of five --once I have five lines down pat, I move on to the next group of five, one line at a time):

I trust my true fears to give me signals of danger.
I admit that I also have false fears and worries.
I feel compassion toward myself for all the years I have been afraid.
I forgive those who hypnotized me into unreal fears.
I suggest now to myself, over and over, that I am freeing myself from fear.

I have fearlessness to match my fear.
I trust my powers and resourcefulness as a man.
I trust my abundant creativity.
I trust the strength that opens and blossoms in me when I have to face something.
I believe in myself as a man/woman who handles what comes his way today.

I know how to rise to a challenge.
I am more and more aware of how I hold fear in my body.
I stop storing fear in my body.
Now I relax those holding places.
I open my body to joy and serenity.

I release my body from the clench of fear.
I relax the parts of me that hold fear the most.
I let go of the stress and tension that come from fear.
I let go of fear based thoughts.
I let go of basing my decisions on fear.

As I have been doing this memory work, I think that it's having a real impact on what is happening in my life.  In the last week since I've been doing this work, I've encountered four different people, three of them sponsees in very early recovery and another person who writes a blog recommended to me by a recovery blogger who thought I might be of help to this person she'd encountered in the blogosphere.  All four of them are going through their own dark nights of the soul.  Each is dancing close to a level of hopelessness and despair that almost leads me to call 911 and have them taken into protective 72 hour mental health hold.  And in fact, one of them was hospitalized on Monday night for just that reason: his friends thought that he was in danger of hurting himself or committing suicide.

With each, I've attempted to be with them in their despair.  I'm not at all confident that I am saying the "right thing", helping or hurting.  I strongly suggested that one go into a 30 day treatment center or detox unit, but he refused because he doesn't want to be a "loser who goes into rehab."  When I heard him say that, I paused briefly to consider how to best respond and ended up blurting out, "Well, too bad!  Go anyway!"  After a brief silence and just as I was thinking that he was going to hang up on me, he began to laugh from his gut, almost hysterically for several minutes.  He thanked me for making him laugh for the first time in 9 months (he'd had some years sober but had fallen away from meetings, got involved with a younger woman and when she broke up with him and learned of his alcoholism, he drank.   He's not been able to get sober for the last 9 months...   Later that same night I got a short text message from him letting me know that his friends had had him hospitalized.   He's out now and I believe still sober...but still resisting the rehab. 

All four of these people have reminded me of the importance of hopelessness and despair.  Dr.Earle used to say, "Thank God for Despair!" (in fact, he wrote an article in the AA Grapevine years ago with that title).  The reason for his gratitude for such an unlikely candidate as Despair was that he'd learned over the years that while despair was quite painful and unpleasant, if only he would be willing to walk or sit through it, inevitably on the other side of despair would come some form of enlightenment or awakening.  Always.  I've begrudgingly come to agree with this insight.  I sent him a text yesterday saying that the prerequisite to willingness was not wanting to do something.  And in that since, he was in a really good place!

I've watched fear up close this week.  I feel more alive.  I feel more, period.  I think I'm going to keep doing this fear work.  Even though it frightens me somewhat.  ;-)

Take care!

Mike L.

Poetic Writing

Yesterday I went to an early meeting and then met with a sponsee afterward for coffee and talk.  Leaving him for home and chores, I checked my email and found one from someone in the program who I barely know. This guy knew from some of my blogs that I really like an author named David Richo --- so he thought I'd like to know that David was doing a book signing at a local bookstore that afternoon.  I called the sponsee I'd just met with to let him know about the book signing because we had just been talking about some of Richo's books while we'd talked earlier that morning.  Both my sponsee and I were able to go to the book signing, he with his wife.  It was an amazing afternoon.

Richo's most recent book, "Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth" talks about how both the reading and writing of poetry can become an important part of one's spiritual work or practice.  As he was talking, he mentioned that many of us have had some really bad poetry teachers in our lives and that the damage done to poetic literature has been devastating.  That was the reason for his writing this book.  He dedicated it to all his poetry teachers.

As he talked about the book, I remembered back to college when I was taking a poetry class that I now realize killed off in me what had been a budding love of writing poetry.  This professor began the class by telling us that there was no one correct interpretation of a poem, that they were all open to a multitude of interpretations.  The class grade was going to be based on one midterm exam and a final exam.  None of the other work that we would turn in (mostly our interpretations of various poems) would have any impact on our grades.  I really enjoyed the class and the poetry it exposed.

The midterm was one question: interpret a single poem.  Several weeks later, I was devastated when I got my midterm back because on it was an "F".  Apparently I had found the one incorrect interpretation of this poem.  I somehow escaped the class with a C- (the final was to write a limrick and the only challenges were to not make it obscene and to avoid plagiarizing someone else's work) but yesterday I realized that after that class, I never again risked writing a poem.  In fact, I don't think until recently that I ever gave a poem more than a cursory onetime reading (Richo says any poem takes several readings before the meaning can be even lightly touched).  I interpreted all poems as "blah, blah, blah..." --- nothing of value.

I see now that in recent years I've slowly been recovering from this poetically damaging event back in college.  Poetic recovery began shortly after I got sober, which is when I developed a weird habit of memorizing certain passages or writings that I've found to be "beautiful" or "true".  By memorizing, I mean reading and reciting "beautiful" lines and paragraphs again and again and again and again....until they became song-like, musical and could be recited/sung aloud during long commutes to/from work every day...  Now I realize that many of these types of passages are the essence of poetry.  They are words that have somehow captured a deep truth about life and this truth has somehow struck me to my core.  I told this to Richo yesterday and he told me that the word "core" means our "heart".  That rung true for me.

I also shared with Richo that some months ago, I bought several more of his books---including this one on poetry.  What was strange, I told him, is that while he's becoming one of my favorite writers, I simply couldn't open this one particular book.  It's been sitting on my nightstand for weeks now and I couldn't get myself to open it.  Poetry was of absolutely no interest to me.  Yesterday, I understood why.  His sub-title contained the word "poetic"!  He laughed and said that when they were getting the book ready for publication, the original title had had the word "poetry" in the main title but they removed it because they were afraid that it would scare many people off!  So "poetry" got relegated to sub-titled status as a mere adjective.  And it still scared me off!

I also realized yesterday that I had fallen away from my routine of blogging.  It's been a month since my last blog.  In fact, CJ commented on my last blog yesterday and let me know that she was missing my blogs and wanted to know where I was.  I was glad to be missed.  [Of course, I wanted to snap back, "CJ, where have you! been!  Blog yourself!!!  Course, I wouldn't say something so mean and judgmental.]

I'd gotten distracted with other aspects of my life and my recovery and blogging had gotten pushed to the background.  Yesterday, I realized that writing is very important to me and my recovery.  I don't see blogging as poetry --- although sometimes I suppose there's "poetic" bits and pieces that accidentally get wedged in all the flow of words.  I want to play more with poetry soon.  Blogging comes easily to me.  I suspect that poetry takes more work, more discipline.  Editting.  Slicing/Dicing.  Listening.  Watching.  Being still.  Struck silly.

Yuck!  ;-}

OK, I'm back.  Will try to be more regular with the blogging.  Might share some of my poetry once I'm satisfied it's "done".  Cooked to imperfection.

Take care!

Mike L.

Wondering "What If?"

Sorry that I haven't been blogging much recently, but I've been involved in a lot of work-related issues related to the economy and I've had to focus on those issues. Like many businesses these days, we've been struggling and last week we had to institute a layoff of about 10% of our non-attorney staff. Among those laid off was someone in my department and I was in the uncomfortable position of having to decide which one of my staff would be laid off. I really don't want to go into that here, but I did walk through that process focused on trying to be as compassionate and kind as I could, while at the same time trying to be loyal as an employee to a company that very well might fail if those in responsibility for managing its affairs do not do what's good for the whole firm.

Even before that process was over though, I began to play with the initially fearful idea: what would happen to me and my family if I was the one being laid off? While some might think paying attention to such "what if?" scenarios, I've found it helpful to give such fearful ideas a little room to play and to be played with. Not all that long ago, when I was drinking, I typically ran from such fears by anesthetizing myself with alcohol. Recovery has been teaching me new ways to deal with such normal albeit fearful life events.

This game playing involves brainstorming a list of things that I could do were I to lose my job, either through a layoff (unlikely but possible in my circumstance) or through a failure of our business (more possible in today's world). Over several days, the list grew to about five:

1. Become a truck driver
2. Go back to teaching high school religion
3. Go back to studying for the priesthood and become a priest
4. Become an author
5. Find a job similar to what I have now, except with another law firm

In brainstorming, you don't get bogged down with analyzing or criticizing or eliminating any ideas that float to the surface. They come up, you write them down. Once I had my initial list, I decided to let my wife in on the process: again, something that does not come natural to me. She's very strong and opinionated: just they way she should be! I decided to let her in on this because I knew that there was a certain part of me that was beginning to stress over the fears associated with losing my job and that this fear was going to come into our relationship, for good or bad, whether I liked it or not.

So, last week, I decided one night to tell my wife that I was actually feeling some fear about the security of my own job and how well we might survive were I to lose my job. Actually, I didn't "decide" to do that. One night, she asked me to start talking to her about anything... I don't seem to talk much and our life together had been seeming to fall into a too comfortable for me routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, walking the dog, reading in bed, rubbing her foot, and going to sleep (some details withheld). I told her that I really didn't have anything to say, at least, nothing to say that wasn't stressful. She said to tell her anyway. I did. I said that I was worried about losing my job and how we would be able to handle it. She responded immediately that that thought was very depressing! I told you she was strong and opinionated!

We laughed and then talked this through somewhat. Before falling off to sleep, I began making my "what if?" list of things that I could do if I lost my job. First thing that came to me was becoming a truck driver. I'm driving all the time it seems anyway (my commute to/from work is a little over two hours). I'm always seeing "We Need Drivers!" signs pasted on the back of semi-trucks. Not sure what it pays, but it would be something that would bring in some income. In addition, the more I thought about it, the more attractive this job seemed to me: I would get to travel to different places, go to different AA meetings, meet new people, have time to blog, and this would get me and my wife out of this rut that we're in.

That night I had a dream where I was applying for my old teaching job and I woke up with a start. Hey, I could go back to teaching! The initial problem though with this idea is that most often these days I consider myself to be an ex-Catholic, a non-Christian...on my good days. I'm sometimes an agnostic (where I wonder if God exists), sometimes a theist (although I'm never too clear on the God of my own understanding and more clear on the God of my misunderstanding). Suppose that might be an obstacle, but I decided that I could be honest about this with folks and let them in on the freedom that I've found and how I could really help these students walk through all the normal questions they have about God and what the do or don't believe. That's really all I did when I taught in Catholic high schools back in the early '80s. I helped them with their wonderings. I challenged their comfortable beliefs that they felt they "had" to believe to satisfy the expectations of their parents and others.

The next day, I thought of the weird possibility of my returning to the Jesuits and becoming a priest. Sure, there are a couple of hurdles with this. But I decided to play with this a little. This option could be just a "worst case" option for me if nothing else panned out. I didn't spend much time with this idea at all, but it was a fun one to share with my wife when I eventually shared my list with her... When I told her the idea of becoming a priest, she laughed and said that I couldn't do that because I was married. I laughed back and said that while we would have to get a divorce, apparently my being a priest would not prevent us from continuing to have great and frequent sex! She got a nice laugh out of that one.

Another idea also came to me about becoming an author, writing a book. That dream of becoming an author has been with me for some time and was actually the genesis of this blog. Blogging was a simple attempt to "do something" along the lines of writing an actual book. When I began playing with this idea, I came up with some general ideas about a book that I would like to write: it would be on the use of memorization in the recovery process. I have come across several other AAs who've used memorization to enhance their recovery: Chuck C. (Chamberlain) used to memorize things from the Big Book and elsewhere. Dr. Earle did also. I actually got the idea for using memorization from watching a man in a meeting recite the AA Preamble from memory while everyone else read it together from a little card at the beginning of that meeting. I was struck that this AA Preamble must really mean something to him if he went to the trouble of memorizing it. So I stole one of those cards and began what has become an essential and daily part of my recovery program. Over the last seven years, I've memorized a ton of stuff from various AA and non-AA literature. If I were to recite all of these things one right after another, it would take me close to three hours.

When I shared the idea of writing a book with my wife, she innocently asked, what would you write about? I initially told her that I didn't want to talk to her about that because she might be critical of what I was planning and I was too sensitive to take criticism about this area of my life right now. This hurt her because I was choosing to keep something from her. After some painful moments between us, I did decide to tell her that the book would be about "recovery" and that sort of hit her in a soft painful spot in our relationship. She's someone jealous of my "recovery life" because she doesn't feel part of it. We're still not really done talking this one through, but it was important for me to let her in on this dream of mine even if it's difficult.

Now that I'm done with my "what if?" playing, I've noticed that I'm no longer anxious about the future in terms of my job or what might happen with it. In fact, I'm realizing that I don't need to sit passively by and wait for life to happen to me. I can get off my ass and take steps to make it happen. Talking about my book here was a first step in that process. I will not commit to begin drafting titles for this book (a Title is the most important part of writing for me....) and to making an outline of chapters and to drafting a preface which tells my story and how memorization has become a most important part of my recovery.

Take care!

Mike L.

Who Said You Can't Think Your Way Into Right Action?

Over the last six years, at different times I've heard repeated the statement made that "you can't think your way into right acting, you have to act your way into right thinking." Now, you know me well enough by now that I only share that so that I can disagree with it. You're correcto mundo.



While I understand that we, especially when we're new, sometimes get stuck in navel gazing and self-analysis to the point that we get stuck in "analysis paralysis". And that to overcome that, we sometimes have to act our way out of a rut or two, even if we don't completely understand all the logical or meaningful reasons for doing so. But I've some times gotten the impression that some people are taking this AA home spun wisdom a little too far.... Like taking it to mean that our thinking is not to be trusted (can't fix a broken thinker with the same broken thinker) and that we just need to do what we're told (even if it's stated in the form of a suggestion). That sort of blind faith or blind obedience has never been something I've been willing or able to subscribe to. I know, you're not surprised.



Recently, I've been reflecting over my last six years of recovery and what have been the key things that have not only kept me sober but also gave me a quality of life that far exceeds whatever I might have hoped for when I first got sober.... Sure, all of the familiar "keys" are in my list: Steps, Sponsor, Meetings (and not drinking in between), Service, Meditation (I'm not big into Prayer....it's hard for an agnostic to pray...), etc. But there is another "key" part of my program that sort of relates to this "thinking vs. action" topic and that's the memory work that I've been doing almost since the very beginning of my recovery.


By memory work (I've written previously on this topic, "AA Recovery: A form of brain washing...") I mean the process memorizing various things, sometimes passages from the Big Book or 12X12, but also other AA and non-AA literature. The process of memorizing means taking some passage or prayer, and repeating the first sentence or phrase again and again until I can say it from memory without looking at the book or paper. Once I memorize the first phrase/line, I then begin repeating the second phrase or sentence until I can say it from memory. Then I repeat the first and the second line until I have them down... Then I go to the next phrase or sentence... As in the shampoo instructions I read years ago, "Repeat until done."

What happens for me, is this process puts the content of the passage into my consciousness, so deep it seems that eventually becomes a part of my "intuition." In effect, the process has re-trained my brain so that it now interprets the reality before me in much different, and generally, much more healthy ways.

Here's an example: Before Christmas, I bought a book that I just stumbled on while I was out shopping for books for my wife. The book is called "Everyday Commitments" by David Richo. I bought it not for my wife, but for me. She might have liked it, but that didn't matter. I liked it and I bought it for me. It was just a collection of 52 "affirmations" or commitments that this buddhist teacher/lecturer (he's also a psychologist) came up with that helped him keep more focused on what Buddhist's refer to as "Right Action" and "Right Thinking". The book was setup so that each commitment has a title, the commitment and then a brief reflection on that commitment. I suppose that the book could be used as a daily meditation book, and one could easily focus on one commitment per week for an entire year. But not me, I am far too obsessed for that. I began memorizing these commitments before Christmas and I just finished the task of memorizing all 52 commitments this last week.

But the example has to do with Commitment #25: "Gossip Free: I am avoiding gossip and the spreading of rumors. Now, when I have something to say about someone, I say it to them directly." When I first memorized this commitment, I thought it quite silly and that it should be a no-brainer to incorporate this value into my daily life. Wrong!!!! It turned out that this commitment was one that was and is terribly difficult for me to abide by in my daily life, at home and at work. But what ended up happening is that after repeated failures, I had one surprising and "unthinking" success!

I received an email from a consulting company who was participating in a bid process which I was overseeing. I'd let this company into the bidding process late because I'd neglected to include them in the list of qualified bidders.... By doing so, I got some flak from other members of my team because I was giving this consulting company a break.... I did it anyway because it was my error that kept them out of the process and I informed them that while they were allowed into the process, they would have to get their proposal in on time, just like all the other bidders. Anyway, last week, the sales guy for this consulting company informed me that they had elected not to participate in our bid process and then went on to lecture me on how great of a company they were and that they were "the best" and that they didn't waste time getting involved competitive bidding processes like this. Instead, they like being "partners" with their clients.

The email was sent to my entire time and within minutes of being received, people on my team began bad-mouthing this sales guy and making fun of him. But while they were doing that, I decided to just respond to his email and express my disappointment with his decision and my puzzlement over this approach to getting new business opporunities. I then recounted how 28 years ago, I asked a woman out for our first date and that the next week, 28 years after our first date, she and I were going out for another date to celebrate our 27 years of marriage. I suggested that he and his company go through the standard process of getting into a long term "partnership" by going out on a date first and not expecting the true partnership to magically happen just because "I'm the best there is!". My wife would not have accepted such a claim of mine then (or now) and I'm certainly not willing to accept his claim on the behalf of his company.

It was hours later that it dawned on me that the "memorized" commitment to avoid gossip and the spreading of rumors actually "leaked" into my actions without my really thinking about it. I guess my point is that I think that you can "memorize" yourself into right action....

Take care!

Mike L.

Sobriety is More than Not Drinking

I was reminded today of one of my most favorite resentments in recovery which has to do with an oft quoted page of the Big Book, 3rd Edition: Page 449. When I first got sober, the 3rd edition of the Big Book was on it's way out and the 4th edition was on the way in. For some reason, I suppose because I'm basically cheap, when I got sober I bought a used 3rd edition Big Book at Half Priced Books and it was this book that I began reading in earnest as soon as I got sober.

At a meeting at St. Bonaventure's Church in Concord, CA one night, the topic was Page 449 and Acceptance. They read a bit from that page, "And acceptance has been the answer to all my problems today...." and I heard a woman at the meeting say that she absolutely loved that page, so much so that she memorized it. Well, although I was only a few months sober, I'd already developed my weird habit of memorizing bits and pieces of AA literature, stuff that I found particularly wise or helpful or poignant. Well, when I heard all the talk about P. 449 and then this woman saying that she memorized it, I decided that it was going to be next on my list of things to memorize.

The first thing I noticed about this page was that page 449 did not start at the beginning of someone's story, in fact, the stuff they were talking about on page 449 didn't even start at the beginning of the page. What was odd about the quote being quoted was that it started with "And" which seemed to me like it was part of something bigger and that I needed to see what came before the "And". I also thought it odd that in this first sentence, it was talking about "all my problems today" as though the author had talked about some particular problem before this and that I might want to consider reading backwards to find out what that was....

Eventually, I looked backwards to the previous paragraph which began on the bottom of page 448: "At last, acceptance proved to be the key to my drinking problem..." Well, that was certainly the "particular problem" that preceeded the "all my problems" on page 449! And that problem, alcoholism, seemed to me to be of far more interest and importance than "all my [other] problems"! So I memorized that paragraph too.

After awhile though, in the process of memorizing this paragraph, I began to wonder why this paragraph started off with "At last!" -- that seemed to indicate that the author had been struggling with this problem of alcohol and that other solutions just didn't seem to work for him. And then, eventually, or "At last!" he discovered a solution that did work: Acceptance.

So then, I decided to read backwards one more time and there in the preceeding paragraph was the seed of my longest held and most cherished resentment. There was the line that made more sense to me as a new recovering alcoholic than all the other words in the book up to that point in my recovery. But before I get to what that line was, I need to get back to this bringing me to my favorite resentment. The resentment?

Well, until that time, I'd heard many many great lines and sayings within the meeting rooms of AA, but that line led me to my first original thought/line since getting sober. That line was "The best line on page 449 is to be found on page 448! "It helped me a great deal to become convinced that alcoholism was a disease, not a moral issue, that my drinking was the result of a compulsion even though I hadn't been aware of the compulsion at the time and that sobriety had nothing to do with willpower." That "line" about 448 was my line!! But by the time it came time to "wow!" the crowds of AA meetings with my line, no one was talking about p.449 any more. Because in the 4th edition of the Big Book some A-hole in the AA editorial office decided to move this story by Dr. Paul O. to another location in the Big Book and what used to be on p.449 was now on p.417. And now that that was a fact of life, my line was totally worthless and without any punch! I mean, it just doesn't sound as powerful to say that the best line of p.417 is on p.416! Who cares??

Well, I made one more last ditch effort today to revive the resentment and share this story with the group today. It got lots of laughs. Which brings me (finally!) to the point of today's post: the importance of happiness and joy in the process of recovery. Not drinking is truly a critical and essential part of the recovery process, but if one just stops at "not drinking" as their one step of recovery: I think they're missing the full benefit of this new way of life. Even if they do continue "not drinking" for many years, even until death, I think they've cheated themselves out of the full benefit of the program of AA. What does that have to do with p.449 and Dr. Paul?

Well, I remember listening to a tape of a talk given my Dr. Paul (he died sometime in the 1990's I believe) at a Yosemite AA/Alanon Conference and somewhere toward the end of this talk (which if you've never heard Dr. Paul talk, you've got to do this: he was hilarious and you don't really capture the full level of humor intertwined in his story if you don't listen to him talk...) he mentioned that his all time favorite line in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was to be found on the middle of page 132, in fact it was right smack dab in the middle of page 132, "sixteen lines down from the top, sixteen lines up from the bottom, two extraneous words to the left and two extraneous words to the right. And the line is, "We absolutely insist on enjoying life!"

That's a great line--even if it is someone else's!--and it got across to me what I'm trying to get across here: sobriety is more than not drinking, it's about finding a new way of living which can, sometimes quickly, sometimes (more often!) slowly bring about a change of perception which results in an inner sense of contentment, joy and peace with one's self and one's life. Just as it is, today.

Somepeople find me odd because I memorize stuff. And they're right. But Dr. Paul was odder than me. Sure, I memorized his telling the story of his favorite line, but he's the one who was so sick that he discovered that the line was 16 lines down from the top and 16 lines up bottom and that there were two extraneous words on both sides of his favorite line. Thank god there are some sicker than me.

Mike L.

The Value of Commitments

For the last two years, the one meeting I've considered my home group has been an unlisted men's group called the Dignitaries Sympathy AA Group of the East Bay (we call it the Digs group) that meets on Thursday nights in Walnut Creek, CA. Anyone who knows me would find it odd that I'd consider a men's group as a home group --- I typically hate men's groups because they have always seemed to me to be a little too filled with testosterone and one ups manship, and something of a falsely or unreal safe place. Probably a hold over from my celibate days as a Jesuit.

Regardless, I grew to like the Digs group for several reasons: the weekly meeting focuses on sharing about what each one of us had done in the last week to stay sober, it permitted others in the group to share feedback with each other during the meeting (although the format explicitly states that we give each other the right to be wrong when we give such feedback....) and lastly, we encourage each other to make commitments to improve some area or aspect of our sobriety program whenever we felt 'stuck' in some behavior or mindset.

This idea of making commitments is something that has been hitting home over the last several weeks because I've been slowly reading through a great book by David Richo called "Everyday Commitments: Choosing a Life of Love, Realism and Acceptance" which I picked up before the holidays. The book contains 52 commitments which are short 1-3 sentence statements of commitment which offer those making them a specific goal in all sorts of various areas of life/living. For each commitment, David provides a short 1 page or so meditation or comment on that specific commitment. What I've been doing, which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who knows my obsessive tendencies, is to begin memorizing each of these commitments (just the commitment statements, not the meditation/comments on the commitments....I'm not THAT obsessive!), one every couple of days or so.

Here's a sampling of the first dozen or so commitments:

"1. Cultivating Lovingkindness: I am always looking for ways to intend, express and act with lovingkindness [compassion, joy and equanimity].

2. Saying Yes to Reality: More and more, I am saying Yes to the givens of human living: everything changes and ends; things will not always go according to plan; life is not always fair or pain-free; and people are not always loving, honest, generous or loyal.

3. Grounded, Not Swayed: No matter what happens to me, I am intent on remaining personally grounded, no longer thrown off course by events or my reactions to them.

4. Remaining Secure: The painful events of human life have an impact on me, but they no longer impinge on my serenity. I try to remain secure within myself and, at the same time, trusting that I will be able to handle what happens and [whatever happens] will help me grow.

5. Committed to the Work: I am not perfect, but I am sincerely committed to working on myself [and to waking up!].

6. Freedom from the Grip of Fear: I accept the fact of fear, allow myself to feel my fear fully and act so that fear does not interfere with my life choices.

7. Openness to Feelings: I am becoming more willing to express all of my own feelings and to receive those of others, including fear, joy, grief and tenderness. I am practicing ways to show anger non-violently, in ways that are not abusive, threatening, blaming or out of control.

8. Respectful Assertiveness: I can become stronger in asking for what I desire without demand, manipulation or expectation. As I remain respectful of the timing, wishes and limits of others, I can accept no for an answer.

9. Not Taking Advantage: I forgo taking advantage of anyone because of their ignorance, status or financial straits. I forgo the chance to use any charms of word, body or mind to seduce or trick anyone.

10. Growing in Gratitude: I choose not to take unfair advantage of others' generosity. I am letting go of any sense of entitlement in favor of gratitude for whatever is given to me."

What I'm finding is that as I incorporate these commitments into my daily meditation practice (I recite them over and over several times during my commute...), that I find myself becoming aware of instances in my day where the commitment is brought front and center in my life and I have the opportunity to follow through with my commitment or, at worst, fail to do so and learn more about the underlying wisdom of the commitment itself.

In that regard, #11 on the subject of "commitments" is on my mind now as I post this message:

"11. Honoring Agreements and Boundaries: I try my best to keep my word, honor my commitments and follow through with the tasks I agree to do. Accepting my own limitations, I am more able to set sane limits and boundaries with others. I no longer make promises for the sake of pleasing or appeasing others."

I recommend this book highly!!

Mike L.

AA Recovery: A form of brain washing...

I've been sober just over six years now and recently I've been thinking that the process of my recovery over the last six years has involved a form of brain washing. Not in the usual sense of having my brain manipulated by some evil force, but in the sense of spiritual/intellectual cleansing. How did that happen? Well, I think that's ultimately going to be the purpose of this new blog site that I just created today....as a proactive pre-New Year's resolution.

Recently, I was at an AA meeting in Danville, CA and we were discussing the 12th step... After sitting down in the meeting, it was one I'd never been to before, I saw this older Scottish man sitting across from me. I remembered him from one of my first AA meetings back in late 2001. I'd been going to one Friday night meeting for several weeks and at this meeting, they always started off with everyone saying the AA Preamble (Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women....) together. Before these meetings, someone placed little cards on the seats with the Preamble printed on them (along with the 12 steps, 12 traditions and the Serenity Prayer..). Anyway, one night I noticed this older gentleman with a beautiful Scottish accent and who never used one of the cards: he recited the Preamble from memory. It struck me that this reading must mean something very special to him.

He never knew that I noticed. But I did. In fact, I stole one of those cards and it ended up changing my who life and my recovery. What I did was place that card in my car and as I drove to work each day (I commuted from Concord, CA to Sacramento, CA every day...65 miles each way) I began memorizing each of the writings on that card: the preamble, the steps, the traditions, the serenity prayer. I didn't know I was going to do all of them. But I did...and much much more.

It began by memorizing the Preamble: I just started reciting a line or phrase from the beginning and repeated it again and again until I knew it. Then I would add a little more...repeat it again and again. Eventually, I'd know the whole Preamble by memory. Over days and weeks, I came to know the Preamble by heart.

At this meeting last week, I remembered back to what I learned from this man... During the meeting he shared that in terms of 12th step work, he'd often found that some of his best work was done without his knowledge. He just focused on living his life the best he could, helped others when he could and left the results to something other than him.

I walked up to him after the meeting and let him know that he'd helped me six years ago....and that the habit of memorizing things like the Preamble had started me down a path of meditation which involved memorizing many different things over the last six years...reciting them to myself while driving to/from Sacramento and being brainwashed without even knowing it.

He smiled and thanked me for sharing that story. I love AA most of all for the stories.

Mike L.