Three Types of Prayer (and Why None of them Seem Appropriate in AA Meetings)

I believe all prayers can be grouped into three types: Their Prayers, Our Prayers and My Prayers. Their Prayers are those prayers said or used by other people, not me. Our Prayers are those prayers said or used by me and other people who share common beliefs with me. My Prayers are said by me alone, although I suppose the words making up the prayer might also be used by others. Their Prayers and Our Prayers, when said together in a community of believers, are said to be communal prayers. My basic point in this blog entry is that I don't believe communal prayers belong in AA meetings.

When I'm sitting in a meeting of AA, I do not participate in communal prayers... Well, at least I haven't done so for the last four years or so of my sobriety. I choose to stay silent and watch and listen to others saying Their Prayers. I suppose that another way of looking at this is that they're all saying their My Prayers all at the same time to their own concept of a Higher Power. But the act of saying it all together as a group seems to make in a communal prayer, regardless of the individual intent.

My issue (and believe me, it's my issue) with communal prayers isn't that other people don't have the perfect right to do it or that groups don't have the perfect right to make (or not make) such communal prayers part of their meeting formal. They all have such a right and I have an equal right to just be quiet.

My issue is this: communal prayers seem to give the appearance, most importantly to newcomers, that those who are saying them all have a common understanding of a Higher Power and that they're all praying to the same Higher Power. To the newcomer, I'm concerned that this communal act of "ours" is one that enforces a belief or misunderstanding that they are an outsider (until they join in our circle, hold hands and repeat a prayer that may or may not feel appropriate or true for them).

Sure, I know that most AAs understand that we really don't have such a common understanding of God---but my concern isn't about our understanding that or not. It's the impact of that group format and behavior on the newcomer. To the newcomer it appears that our actions are inconsistent with our words, both spoken and written in our literature. It's particularly troubling to me that we seem limited to using Christian prayers in most all of the AA meetings I've attended: The Lord's Prayer and the Serenity Prayer are both Christian in origin.

Clearly this is a group conscience issue and I'm just speaking my opinions about how groups are handling this is my corner of the world. I do appreciate several groups in my area of the East Bay/Contra Costa County who have made a conscious decision to eliminate common prayers from their meetings: several begin with a simple and quiet period of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers and/or end the meeting with some reading from AA literature. To me, this is much more in keeping with the best practices and traditions of AA.

Until then, I just sit quietly during any "Their Prayers" that happen during AA meetings and practice "My Prayers" when I'm alone with my misunderstanding of my Higher Power or practice "Our Prayers" if I'm ever in a religious community of which I'm a member.

Take care!

Mike L.

Is AA a Cult?

When I began this blog, I forgot that I was publishing this log of thoughts and opinions to the wild of the Internet and foolishly allowed "Comments" to my blog. Within a few days, I was inundated with almost a dozen comments, all from a guy named 'MICKY'. Apparently, he does not share my love for the program/organization called AA and he's welcome to his own experience. I'm not sure how to accurately characterize his experience and while it's far different from my own, there were parts of his rantings that stirred up memories of my own and I couldn't help but feel some empathy for him.

When I first got sober a little over six years ago, I'd quickly gotten a sponsor who began taking me through the Big Book a page/chapter at a time, just like had been done with him by his sponsor. I didn't mind this approach at all, at least for the first two steps. But as we approached the third step, he started talking about what his sponsor had done with him and I got the distinct impression that he was fully expecting to do the same thing with me when my turn came to work this step: "Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood him."

What his sponsor had done with him was to take him up to a hill in Pleasant Hill, California and on top of that pleasant hill, they each knelt in front of a bench and recited the so-called "Third Step Prayer" together: God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt....etc." When they were done, the 3rd step was completed and they then immediately moved on to the next step.

Well, unbeknownst to my sponsor, there just wasn't a chance in hell that I was going up to any such hill, pleasant or not, to kneel down and pray this or any other prayer with him. No fucking way.

When I got sober, I was 48 years old. The disease had been very slow, but progressively worse nonetheless. Earlier in my life, I'd been a Lutheran---had even been the President of the goddamned Luther League! I converted to Catholicism when I was in my early 20's and entered the Jesuits shortly thereafter with the full intent of becoming a Jesuit priest... I had a bachelor's degree in Catholic theology and had thought long and hard about the issues surrounding the questions of God's existence or non-existence. Ultimately, I left the Jesuits: in part, because I got tired of trying to fit my experience of God into an acceptable framework of the Catholic Church or some local manifestation of that organization, but in larger part, due to my certainty that if I were to stay much longer in this celibate religious order, I would certainly become an alcoholic! I have a long history of reaching this exact same crisis point again and again and again: if I stay here doing "this", I will certainly become an alcoholic.

Anyway, back to my 3rd step issue: after getting sober, one of the things that made me feel most comfortable and safe in AA was the language scattered throughout the book and literature which seemed to say that within this organization, each individual was absolutely free to come up with their own understanding of God or a Higher Power. In fact, if the individual's understanding of God was that God did not exist, they were still a full member of AA in good standing. No better, no less than someone whose understanding was more theistic. I love the fact that the third chapter of the Big Book was called "We Agnostics" rather than "Those Agnostics" or "We Former Agnostics."

But I had already started to have this sense of safety become challenged by certain practices and language within the rooms of AA that seemed inconsistent with this fundamental principle of AA. Not only was there the talk of a 3rd step that involved reciting a very specific prayer with another person....which seemed to me to imply that these two folks were acting as though they had a common understanding of God, else why would they be saying the same prayer together. And if everyone in AA accomplished their 3rd step by reciting this same exact prayer together with another, was the talk of a God of my own understanding really a joke or ruse?

There was also the practice of opening and closing most AA meetings that I had attended to that point with either the Serenity Prayer or the Lord's Prayer. Both prayers are Christian prayers or at least "rooted" in the Christian tradition. If I didn't have an understanding of God that fit in with that tradition, was I some how "outside" of the fellowship if I did not hold hands with other members at the end of meetings and participate in this apparently Christianized AA ritual? Could I stay in AA if in fact it was a Christian cult or required belief in God as a condition of membership or a condition of longer term sobriety?

Luckily, at this time in my sobriety, I met Dr. Earle Marsh (deceased 1/13/03). Earle had gotten sober June 15, 1953, two days before I was born. His story, Physician Heal Thyself, was published in the 2nd edition of the Big Book and he was something of an icon around here where I was getting sober. Anyway, my first sponsor unwittingly directed me to have my path intersect with Earle's. This sponsor had encouraged me to go to a big men's meeting because they really did things right at this meeting. Well, I hated it. While the chairs (what some places refer to a "leads" where you tell your story...) were usually very good, they did not ask for volunteers to talk/share---the chair would only call on people he knew and none of them knew me. The fellowship was very strong in this meeting and there was a lot of positive energy flowing before, during and after the meeting. But I still hated it. I started to get the impression that they were all members of a AA cult and they were trying to draw me into the fold. If only I'd do what I was told....and that included getting down on my knees and praying the 3rd step prayer with my sponsor. No fucking way.

Anyway, one night---I'd already decided that it was my last visit to this meeting---toward the end of the meeting, this little man I had only known as an oldtimer who had his story in the book (when talking to others after the meeting, I referred to him as the Joker, because while he rarely got called on to talk, when he did talk, he had a wonderful way of telling stories and to make me laugh)....this little old man raised his hand and didn't wait to be called on, and simply said, "My name is Earle and I'm an alcoholic." Everyone welcomed him with a roar, "Hi Earle!". He then continued, "I've heard everything that you men have said tonight and to be honest with you, I think it's all a bunch of bullshit!" At first, there was complete silence in the room of 100+ men. And then everyone broke into laughter.... Earle looked at them with a half-smile and then said, "No, I'm serious! I think what's been said tonight is a bunch of bullshit." Well, this time, they didn't laugh so hard.

Earle then went on to tell a brief version of his story and it dawned on me that he'd gotten sober two days before I was born. He'd been sober every moment of my entire life. More importantly, this iconic figure with 48+ years of sobriety, friend of Bill Wilson himself and writer of one of the stories in the Big Book, had told an entire room of AA members that they were full of shit. And he didn't get kicked out. Now, he may very well have pissed off a few or a bunch of folks, but nonetheless, he was still allowed to have his say and to return the following week!

That's when I learned that while there are "cultish" aspects to this weird organization called Alcoholics Anonymous, that given our freedom to believe and do as we wish and remain full members in good standing, it's not a cult. At least for me. It's also where I learned that my third step didn't have to involve praying any prayer with another person. In fact, it didn't have to involve prayer at all. For me, the third step involved me coming to an understanding that much of my life had been spent "playing God" --- and, in particular, by using alcohol as a means of playing this role of God: He (me) who could change reality to fit His (my) wants and desires. My third step didn't involve a commitment to any sort of god, it was more of a resignation on my part from playing the role of God. It meant letting go and just being me. And being me, involved among other things, being an alcoholic who simply couldn't "stop" drinking...but who could stay sober, one day at a time.

This is all not to say that Micky's experience is wrong or that his opinions are bunk. His experience is apparently far different than mine and he's apparently taken it upon himself to teach everyone the "truth" about AA, Bill Wilson, etc. That's fine with me. I don't particularly find his arguments persuasive and I'm not going to become a hostage to his voluminous (clearly "cut and paste" from a library of anti-AA messages and writings....) comments and diatribes.

For that reason, I've removed the "Comments" from my blog. I am looking for other alternatives to allowing people to respond/comment on what I share here, which do not subject me or others to abusive rantings. Until then, this will be a one-way communication tool. Sorry folks!

Mike L.

Top 10+ Dumb Things I've Heard in AA Meetings...

Here's a list of truly dumb things I've heard in AA meetings over the last several years. All of them probably contain some kernel of truth that I agree with wholeheartedly....but they all struck me as utterly stupid at the time I heard them. The truth is though, I've actually heard some of my close AA friends quote me in meetings, "As Mike often says, blah, blah, blah..." --- when I've heard them do this, I've also disagreed with those quotes! I truly am a contrarian at heart.

Anyway, here's the list....it keeps getting longer and I'm sure I'll be guilty of saying any or some of these at some point myself. Oh, well.

1. "There's a chapter called 'Into Action' but no chapter called 'Into Thinking' ". -- true, but (1) thinking IS an action and (2) we are sentient beings who must think--the challenge is to think well (and in that regard, pp. 86-87 in Into Action, provide a most beautiful explanation of how to think more humanly..."On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead....(next 3 paragrapha)

2. "My best thinking got me here (said in sarcastic tone)." My best thinking DID get me here! It was my worst thinking that kept me out there and from coming in the doors of AA.

3. The expansion of "Keep Coming Back!" to say, "Don't Ever Leave!". I think we must leave and return to the real world. The AA meeting and the fellowship is a brief, periodic place of respite, not a 24 hour safety zone.

4. Sometimes told to a newcomer: "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth". Oh, pluleeeez. When I got sober, I'd been isolating for so long with alcohol as my only true friend and lover, that when I did get into these meetings, I needed to talk about what was going on, what feelings were flooding into my consciousness, what fears I had, etc. True, I needed to learn the art of sharing....and that took time and thank god there were lots of people who were exceedingly patient and kind with me during those emotional outbursts and floods. But I needed to talk. I needed to get connected to others. I needed you to know me. Someone once said that there are two parts to AA: the story-telling part and the story-listening part. (Ernest Kurtz). I love that line: for me, the only reason I could handle the story-listening part was that I knew that one day, I'd get to tell my story. Ahhhh, what a relief that was. And what nourishment I get from listening to other people's stories.

5. "God willing, I'll have X years/mos/days sober..." I sometimes counter this mantra by saying that "Me willing, I'll have x years/mos/days sober....". I really can't imagine God willing any alcoholic/addict to drink or use..... Truly, sobriety seems to be a gift....but the key ingredient for that gift to become effective is acceptance. And that's something only I can do.

6. The demeaning way people talk about selecting a door knob as a higher power; what's so bad about God as door knob? What's a door knob used for; opening a door and getting into the next room? What's important in the use of door knobs?letting them go before closing them once you're in the new room! A finger pointing to the moon; don't get distracted by the finger that you forget to see the moon!

7. "If you want what we have, do what we do." Be careful: doing what we do is actually impossible to do (you aren't me); doing what we do might get both the visible desired good and the invisible undesired bad results! I tell my sponsees that I don't tell them my stories in some subtle attempt to tell them what to do. Doing what I do my very well get them drunk! I tell them my stories because that's really all I have to offer them. My stories are more often "warnings" than they are "instruction sets."

8. "The 12 Steps were meant to be done in order..." True, but they were also suggestions and there may be good reasons for taking some of them out of order. In fact, I heard one person say that their sponsor told them if they ever find themselves stuck in a particular step, always feel free to work any step that has a "1" in it: i.e., 1, 10, 11 or 12. And Step 11 has two ones in it, so really feel free to work Step 11 at any time!

9. "My sponsor had me do the steps exactly according to the Big Book, including the fourth column of my fourth step." To be honest, I looked and I didn't see anything about a fourth column in the book or in the 12x12. The book does say, earlier in the 5th chapter, that under certain conditions, we'd be ready to take "certain steps"... For me, what happened is the steps seemed to happen to me pretty much in order. But I many times resorted to use of the 10th step to take care of some day-to-day stuff (especially with my wife), the 11th step to begin and end and survive my day, and the 12 step to try and help someone who was hurting from this dis-ease. And I've often found myself smack dab in the middle of a 1st step experience of powerlessness over alcohol and many other things, again, especially my wife!

10. "I've earned my seat here in AA..." All that's required is a desire to stop drinking.

11. "My sponsor told me that there's no F* word in any spirituality or spiritual program..." There's an old timer around here who says this whenever he hears another member sharing and using supposedly foul language. His lectures have always bothered me. Personally, I love to say Fuck in meetings when it seems appropriate (to me, of course!) My sponsor says it all the time, in fact, it's used by him more often than verbs or adjectives! Where others use spaces and pauses between words, he uses the word Fuck. As in many other areas of life, here's a place where my sponsor is much sicker than I am... Anyway, next time I hear this guy make this statement in a meeting, I'm going to crosstalk (subtlely, of course!) and share that "I think his sponsor is factually wrong, because for me, it wasn't UNTIL I used the F* word in my prayer that my prayer truly became intimate with my higher power!! In fact, when other polite forms of prayer don't seem to get the job done, I sometimes resort to the one word version of the Serenity Prayer which in fact only contains one word, the F* word!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" It simply expresses surrender better than any other word I know.

12. "I know I have one more drunk in me, I don't think I have another recovery." I'm assuming that if we're truly powerless over alcohol, at least once it's in our bodies, then none of us alcoholics are going to be very good a predicting one way or another what will or won't happen if we drink or use. Personally, I'm not so much afraid of the relapse as I am of the possibility that were I to relapse, I might be so ashamed of myself for relapsing that I'd be too afraid/proud/stubborn to come back in the rooms and raise my hand. That's what scares me.

13. "John, I don't think you're done yet. (said to an AA by a 'friendly' AA who didn't think had his heart into working the program)." What a dumb thing to say to another alcoholic! As mentioned in #12 above, none of us has any idea what will happen if we drink. Why we'd give any other alcoholic the added excuse or motivation to take another drink is beyond me.