"I Just Can't Stop Drinking!"

I suppose that since I've always gone to many meetings (over 1 a day average over 8 years) that there are few things that can be said in an AA meeting that really bother me.  That said, there are a couple of statements that always have a visceral impact on me when I hear people say them in an AA meeting.  One is when a newcomer comes in to the rooms and says something along the lines of "I realize now that I need to stop drinking... for the rest of my life."   It's the "rest of my life" comment that makes my stomach twist and tighten.  Another comment is when people describe their moment of clarity as the point in time when the were finally able to stop drinking and they say something like, "I stopped drinking...".  In that phrase it's the "I" that ends up causing an immediate visceral reaction in me.  I not only don't relate to people's plan to never drink again for the rest of their lives or to alcoholic's claim to have stopped, I get concerned, if not outright nervous, that such approaches to sobriety are shaky foundations to longer term sobriety.

Yesterday I was at the 6:30am Concord Fellowship meeting and at the time when the secretary asked if there were any newcomers, a guy raised his hand and said that he was an alcoholic and had only a few days.  He wasn't sure how many days, but he looked pretty beaten down.  I'd seen this guy come in and go out of the meetings many times in the last 3-4 years.  Everytime he came back in, his life situation got worse and worse.  He would get a sponsor and begin the steps, but it seemed that he'd always disappear again within 3-6 months.  Yesterday seemed no different except for the fact that his life situation was even worse after this last relapse: ex-wife was dying of cancer and older son was facing 25 to life for abusing his son -- the newcomer's grandson.

After the chair had shared his story, he eventually called on this newcomer and asked him if he'd like to share.  The man told us of his worsening life situation and ended with a heartfelt admission that he "just can't stop drinking!"   As the meeting went on to other shares, I couldn't stop thinking about that comment, "I can't stop drinking!"  It was the one thing that I most related to in the whole meeting that day.  While I suspected that the newcomer felt he was the only one in that room that couldn't stop drinking -- I knew in my core that that was really the one thing that this guy had most in common with everyone in that room --- or at least, I knew that he and I both shared the same basic inability to stop drinking.  I eventually shared that view with the group, in a subtle form of crosstalk directed at this newcomer, and told him that I thought the idea that we are the only ones in the room who "can't stop drinking" is a mistaken belief.  In my view, the one thing I most have in common with other alcoholics, most particularly those in recovery, is the inability to stop drinking.

In fact, I think that's the good news of the AA program from the beginning.  In AA we discover that we can't stop drinking because we are powerless over alcohol.  We are powerless over alcohol in the sense that our bodies process alcohol differently than non-alcoholics and because of the nature of that particular disease, we are unable to change or alter that fact.  Our only solution then is to give up trying to stop drinking (as that's impossible for us) and to begin trying to stay sober today.  Just for today.  Not tomorrow.  Not for the rest of our lives.  Just for today.  And if today's too much for us, we can narrow the scope down even further: Just for this hour.  Just for this minute.  Just for now.  And now, just for now.

As I was talking, I glanced over at the newcomer and tears were falling down his cheeks.  And I knew that I'd touched something in him.  And then I stopped.  To go further would be to lecture. 

After the newcomer had originally raised his hand at the beginning of the meeting, the secretary had asked for members of the group who were willing and able to sponsor men to raise their hands.  Because I already have at least a dozen active sponsees, I didn't think I could take on another sponsee at this time in my life.  I was tremendously proud though when I looked across the room and see one of my sponsee's raise his hand and offer his service in this regard.  I've always thought that he would make a great sponsor despite my poor example.

At the end of the meeting, I did go over and hug the newcomer and tell him to hang in there.  Things were going to get better (and worse) if he found a way to stay sober today.  That said, it goes without question that if he's unable to stay sober today, things would continue to get worse and worse and that that progression downward would pickup more and more steam the longer it took him to get and stay sober, one day at a time.  I also suggested to him (and to my sponsee) that it might be a good idea for him to get into a detox facility sooner rather than later (he was addicted not only to the drug alcohol, but to some other very powerful drugs that make his situation all the more tragic/urgent).

I wish him well.  This is not a pretty disease.

Take care!

Mike L.

Powerlessness

Powerless to stop
Even when I stopped.

Powerless to stop
Before I'd even start.

Powerless to stop
Then.

Powerless to stop
Now.

Powerlessness accepted
Freedom.

Powerlessness embraced
Strength.

Powerlessness found
Life begins.

Again.

The Three Ps of Alcoholism: My Answer

Several people tried their best, but no one was able to come up with my answers to this riddle....except me.  Funny how your own riddles are easiest to solve!  Anyway, without further ado, here are my answers to the question/riddle in regards to the Three Ps of Alcoholism and how all of them end up being summarized by the one word, Powerlessness:

The disease of alcoholism, as described in the long version of the first step (p.30 of the Big Book), is:

1.  Physical or Physiological in nature:  "Most of us were unwilling to admit that we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think they are bodily or mentally different from their fellows."  One of the most important aspects of this disease to me was that it was physiological in nature.  My disease was not a moral failure on my part.  My past actions in relation to alcohol weren't due to a weakness of moral fiber or willpower: everything became clear to me when I woke up and realized that my body processed alcohol differently than those who were not alcoholics.   Ahhh, that's why I did that and felt that....  When it says here that "no personal likes to think that they are bodily (physically) or mentally (here you may think this is not physical, but I'd challenge you to think about what organ in the body does all the mental stuff (the brain) and that the brain is physical!) different from their fellows." --- I take that to mean that we didn't like to think that we alcoholics were physically different from our non-alcoholic fellows: but too bad!!!  We are different!  And that's ok.

2.  Permanent, not temporary:  "We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control. But such intervals, usually brief, were inevitably followed by still less control which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization."  When I was younger, I learned somewhere that alcoholism was a disease but (and I didn't realize this until after I was sober...) somehow I thought that this disease was something more akin to a bout with the flu.  It would come and go.  In this framework, I was able to think that I had a few "alcoholic incidents" over my first 30 years of drinking but that I was always able to recover from those drunken and shame-filled incidents with a new and powerful resolve "never to do that again" -- and I wouldn't!  I would never again drink 151 rum!  I would never again drink beer, then tequila, then scotch, then more beer! (I would, of course, drink tequila, then beer, then more beer, then scotch!)  It was a real awakening to truth the morning I woke up and realized that this disease was no intermittent or temporary: it was permanent.  This was the way my body works and that will never change for the better.  It will, however, change for the worse....which leads me to...

3.  Progressive:   "We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of time, we get worse, never better."  This physical and permanent condition is not static in nature: it's progressive.  Progressively worse, not progressively better.  That is, the way my body processes alcohol is such that once I've started putting alcohol into my body, my body will act as though I desperately need more...and more....and more.  There is no amount that will ever be "enough" for any period of time.  What might be enough when I was 20 was no longer enough when I was 30.  And by the time I was 48, I knew that there was really no quantity that would ever be enough.  I was hopeless.

Well, I was hopeless until I discovered through watching my son and two other young people get and stay sober for 5 months and 10 days.  When their success blinded me to my own delusions, I woke up and saw myself as I really was: an alcoholic, a man whose body process alcohol differently than non-alcoholics, whose body would always process alcohol differently and who disease would continue to get worse and worse as long as I kept putting alcohol into this same body.

So when I'm reciting this long version of the 1st step, the most important part of the reading comes in the middle: "We learned that we had to fully concede to our inner most selves that we were [Physically, Permanently and Progressively] alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." 

Well, this delusion of mine got smashed October 21, 2001.  The Powerlessness referred to in the Reader's Digest version of the first step found on p.59 of the Big Book, does not get me thinking about me vs. a glass of scotch.  No, powerlessness gets me thinking of the Three Ps: that my Physical body processes alcohol the exact way an alcoholic's body processes alcohol; that my body will always--Permanently--do that and if I were to put alcohol into my body now, this disease would reactivate and begin its Progressive destruction of me, body and soul.  I'm not so much powerless over alcohol as I am powerless to be someone other than who I am: at least in regards to alcohol and other outside solutions to inside problems.  Thank God or Whoever.

If you feel any sense of disappointment that you couldn't figure out my riddle, please don't feel bad.  The only reason that I think this became so clear to me is that I decided to add this long version of the 1st step to my daily routine of reciting things to myself while I drive to/from work every day.  I suspect that I have recited p.30 to myself probably close to a 1,000 times in the last five years.  You try that and you will find things within such a passage that you never saw before.  You'd be amazed at what I've found in How It Works after reciting it a comparable number of times AND hearing it in probably 700+ meetings each of the last almost 8 years:  and I'm still able to hear one "new" word in that passage now that I never saw before!  Shaking my head...  Some are sicker than others.

Take care!

Mike L.

A 1st Step Puzzle/Riddle: The Three Ps of Alcoholism

One thing I often recommend when someone is working a 1st Step is that they first carefully read and re-read what I call the "Long Version of the 1st Step" found on page 30 of the Big Book.  It's the first page of the 3rd Chapter, called "More About Alcoholism".  On that page is the statement, "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics.  This is the first step in recovery."

The challege then, is learning and understanding what an alcoholic actually is.  If you don't have a good and accurate perception of what an alcoholic is, then I suspect that your 1st step will not be as effective as hoped.  An example of a poor understanding of what an alcoholic is can be found in my own history: for years I "knew" that alcoholism was a disease, but I thought that disease was one that was temporary or one that could be cured. 

Every time I had an alcoholic "incident" in my life, I would be baffled as to why I did what I did (because it seemed to be something very close to what my dad had done at some point...and he was an alcoholic!) and I would then swear "never" to do that again.  According to this plan then, while I may have accidentally acted "like" an alcoholic during that unfortunate incident, it was within my power to change my behavior in such a manner as to avoid actually being an alcoholic.  Truly a delusional and self-serving view of this disease.

So, what I ask my sponsees to do is to read this page very carefully to discover what it holds for us in terms of more accurate information about the disease of alcoholism.  I then ask them to figure out what I am going to call "the three Ps of Alcoholism".  Hidden in that reading are three very important characteristics of the disease of alcoholism: each characteristic begins with the letter "P". 

Before they begin, I give them a hint in the form of a riddle: None of the three P words are "powerless" BUT all three of the P words can be summarized by the word "Powerless" or "Powerlessness".

Anyone want to take a shot at what the three P words are which describe critical characteristics of the disease of alcoholism?  Bonus points will be awarded to those who can then explain how all three P words can be summarized by the word "Powerless."  Good luck!

Take care!

Mike L.

A Secret Part of the AA Program?

One thing that bugged me about the Big Book and even the Steps, particularly at the beginning of my recovery, is that no where does it explicitly state that the alcoholic must stop drinking. Or that the overall goal of recovery is to "stop drinking". Sure, there's all sorts of "implications" that not drinking is the ultimate goal---but I'm beginning to wonder if that was really the intended implication by the writers. Is "not drinking" a secret part of the AA program that is never said out loud but still remains a requirement to long term or "full" membership? You'd think! I mean if I had written the book, I would have been very clear about that. [Thank God I didn't write the book!]

But no. While the "not drinking" part of the AA program is rather essential to being and staying sober, I don't think that it's some secret part of the program. Nor do I think that it was an oversight by Bill Wilson and the others who were writing the Big Book when the choose not to include a clear and unambiguous "mandate albeit suggestion" that the alcoholic has to stop drinking. I say that because I think the insight they all had into this particular disease and it's treatment/solution was that the alcoholic was one "who could not stop drinking." AA is not made up of people who could or who can "stop" drinking.

True, the are those in AA who characterize themselves as people who have stopped drinking.... But I don't think that's the essential characteristic of all members of AA. If it were, we wouldn't have people coming in and going out. We wouldn't have members of AA who come into the room with alcohol (or other mind-altering drugs) still on their breath or still coursing through their veins. Are such people not "members" of AA? Are they "less" members? Of course not. In fact, they may be more aware of their full membership rights than most of us because they know without question that they simply can't stop drinking! They "know" they are powerless over alcohol.

Nor would we be better off had the writers of the Big Book chosen to rephrase the 1st step to say, "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable--and therefore we stopped drinking!" To put things that way would have taken the focus off the utter powerlessness we have over alcohol, the utter powerlessness we have over "being" alcoholics.

The secret of the AA way of life, for me, is not that it gives me a way to stop drinking. No, that's not what it's given me. Rather, it's given me a way to stop stopping. It's given me a way of life which involves trying to stay sober, one day or moment at a time. I've learned to focus not on what I can't do (stop drinking) and focus instead on what I can: stay sober. Staying sober is possible for me. Stopping drinking is impossible for me.

Spread the secret!

Take care!

Mike L.

Lack of Power is a Dilemma, Not a Problem

A dilemma is "a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives." It's not a problem. Lack of power over alcohol is not a problem; it's a dilemma. The two equally undesirable alternatives are: (1) We needed to find a power by which to live and (2) that power had to be both greater than ourselves.

Alternative #1 was undesirable because we knew that this power could no longer be alcohol or any other substance.

Alternative #2 was equally undesirable because that power greater than ourselves also had to be something other than alcohol or any other substance.

Like many dilemmas, the problem is in the perceiver not the perceived.

I suspect when we alcoholics use the phrase "lack of power" we're assuming that "normal" (non-alcoholic) folks "have power" over alcohol. I don't think non-alcoholics consider that they have "power" over alcohol any more than they think they have power over water, milk or bread. They can take it or leave it. They aren't addicted to it. It doesn't effect them the way it does alcoholics.

Shakespeare might have had a better way of characterizing the dilemma of an alcoholic teetering on the edge of a sober life: "To be or not to be! That is the question!" That is the real dilemma for one who is an alcoholic. Once we're alcoholic: the situation requiring a choice between two equally undesirable alternatives: To be an alcoholic or To pretend not to be an alcoholic. Interestingly, there really is no choice in terms of "being" alcoholic or not. You either is or you isn't. The choice is in terms of either accepting the truth and living in accord with that or denying the truth and suffering the consequences.

The supposed dilemma presented by "lack of power" led me one morning to wake up to the understanding that my inability to stop drinking was the sign I had been waiting for....no, dreading from the very beginning of my drinking: I was an alcoholic. I had a disease and that was OK. Now I just needed to do something about that. My dad had died from this disease because he was unable to understand the truth underneath his drinking. I didn't need to go down that path. Instead, I did what my son was doing (he was 5 months clean at the time): began going to meetings, listening to other people's experiences, sharing my own truth, getting better....one day at a time.

Take care!

Mike L.

Powerlessness Is Not a Problem, Now or Then

The 6 year anniversary of Dr. Earle's death (1/13/2003) was last week and I've been thinking about him even more than usual.... One of the things Earle told me when I was early in sobriety was that all of the Twelve Steps could be condensed or summarized into one single word: Powerlessness. While the word powerless is clearly contained within the 1st Step, he felt that it was not a temporary or limited state of being and as a result, he found it important to remember this state of powerlessness in each of the remaining 11 steps. He said all this to me during a Thursday night meeting at the Lafayette Hut and he then began reciting the remaining 11 Steps and he prefaced each step with the phrase, "Out of our powerlessness...."

Step 2: Out of our powerlessness, we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity....

Step 3: Out of our powerlessness, we made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him....

etc. (FYI: I've found it very helpful and powerful to recite the Twelve Steps in this modified format!)

Between now and then, I've been struck at how many recovering alcoholics seem to portray "powerlessness" as a problem that needs to be overcome or solved. In the Big Book, when it says, "Lack of power! That was our dilemma. We needed to find a power greater than ourselves by which to live and that power had to be greater than ourselves. Obviously.

To be honest, the truth of that has never been 'obvious' to me. Seems like most people translate that claim to read, "Lack of power! That was our Problem. And to solve that problem, we needed to find a power greater than ourselves by which to live and that power had to be greater than ourselves." Personally, I don't see powerlessness as a problem or as something "wrong."

When I say that I am powerless over alcohol, I no longer look at this in terms of what I can't "do". I see it more in terms of who I am. My body is different from non-alcoholics not in terms of what I can't do, but in terms of how it processes alcohol and other mind-altering drugs. That physical condition is not something I have any power over. It's just the way I am. Although I've only been sober a little over 7 years, I've had this physical condition for many years.

Is that a problem? Not really. The "condition" isn't really the problem. My problem was that I was trying to figure out a way whereby I could "act" as though I didn't have this condition. That is, I tried to act "non-alcoholically" when I drank.

I thought that I was quite successful at this for many years, but I always experienced "incidents" where I failed miserably: I would start drinking just like every other time, but I would reach that Perfect Moment when all the stars in the universe aligned with me....and then I would forget to stop drinking. Next thing I would know, I'd wake up, sick and having vomited all over myself, not remembering what I'd done or said (no problem: my wife would remember!) and feel all sorts of guilt and shame for having done exactly what I didn't want to do. These incidents started off rather sporadic and gradual....but over the years, they seemed to increase in frequency and severity. As it says in "More About Alcoholism": I was in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of time, it got worse.

What I'm trying to say though that my problem wasn't with these "incidents" --- my problem was that I was drinking and my body was alcoholic. When I woke up the morning of October 21, 2001 and realized for the first time ever that my inability to stop drinking was simply a disease called "alcoholism" and that I just happened to have that disease....then I was free. The solution to this problem (trying not to be who I was trying to be: a drinking non-alcoholic...) was to accept who I really was: a recovering alcoholic.

The solution was not just "not-drinking" as that would have just postponed the inevitable pain and suffering. The solution had to be a program of recovery and I found that in AA. My problem wasn't Powerlessness (if so, I'd still be screwed!). My problem was the ongoing attempts to ignore the fact of who I am as an alcoholic.

Suppose that's why I've never been all that motivated to develop definite belief/understanding of God.... It isn't really something I need to do, at least in terms of my recovery. Why create a solution for something that's not a problem?

Take care!

Mike L.

p.s. Note to Self: I need to write another blog on the topic of "God is Powerless Too! (and how that's not a problem for God either!)