AA Didn't Work for Him... Really?

I was listening to someone's chair/story the other day and he mentioned that before getting sober he once spent 5 years as a member of Synanon, founded by someone who'd once tried AA but found it didn't work for him.  During the discussion period afterward, someone shared that this Synanon founder eventually got drunk and died.  People laughed.  I admit that I joined them, chuckling by impulse, but something felt odd about laughing at someone's dying from this disease and also about their claim that AA didn't work for them.  The presumption seems to be that when people claim that AA didn't work for them, these people weren't ready or weren't willing to do what it takes for this program to work.  If AA doesn't work, it's not AA's fault.

I'm not sure that's always the case.  Does AA not work for some people?  Sure!  But why?  I've been mulling this over for awhile now and I want to share some of my thoughts on this topic. 

First, I don't think "AA" fails anyone.  AA is an organization and doesn't have some separate personal existence or identify that any one person can "experience" by walking into any particular meeting or by talking to any particular member of AA.  Whatever a meeting or member might do or say in terms of conveying the AA message (whatever that is...) to an interested non-member will never represent AA in it's entirety or completeness.  It will always fall short of the ideal that we each might have in mind when we think of AA in all its potential and beauty. 

To the extent that an incomplete or distorted message of recovery gets conveyed to the newcomer, that's not a failing of AA.  It's an unavoidable failing of that particular meeting or member of AA.  Unfortunately, far too many (one would be too many...) people experience such incomplete or poorly conveyed message of recovery by a group or individual.  We're not perfect, as a group or as individual members of AA.

Luckily for me, when I walked into my first meeting, I was just willing and desperate enough to overcome some of the defects/flaws in the messages being conveyed to me, intentionally or not, when I first started coming to AA meetings over 8 years ago.  And as I listen to or read stories from others, members or not, who had bad experiences when they first tried AA, I'm glad that I didn't face some of the intellectual hurdles others had to overcome in order to make it all the way into this weird organization called Alcoholics Anonymous. 

All that said, I don't want to become complacent and just trust that we're doing good enough for those who are willing and desperate enough to overcome all obstacles to giving AA a chance at providing a solution for suffering alcoholics.  It seems incumbant for us all to try to do everything we can to remove any obstacles to a suffering alcoholic's recovery as possible, to take care with our words and message so that we give as many people as possible an ability to find a solution like we have here in AA.  That's not to say that we try to become all things to all people: but it is to say that we should always strive to reach out to more people and to be more effective at conveying the AA message of recovery.

Secondly, I think that given the weirdness of this particular organization, where there is no Pope or ultimate authority or rigid structure/doctrine, the message conveyed to the newcomer will always include something of a mixed bag of fruit and nuts.  I personally think that there's as many ways to work this AA program as there are members of AA.  True, many might strongly disagree with that opinion of mine, but that really only proves my point because all of us who disagree and agree with that statement are still equal and full-fledged voting members of AA even though we have strong differences of opinions on pretty important inside issues.

These two points may appear contradictory: we need to do more and we will always fall short.  But that's not the only paradox I've found in my recovery or in the AA progam.  I'm sure it won't be the last either.  I'm grateful that AA has worked for me and has given me a framework through which I've been able to fashion a way of sober living that works just right for this alcoholic.

Take care!

Mike L.

AA Membership is Lifetime, If You Want

I've been chewing over my last post about the 3rd Tradition and the fact that I haven't had a desire to stop drinking for a long time --- in fact, that desire stopped two days before my first meeting of AA.  Seemingly on its own.

What I've concluded is that the desire to stop drinking is an event that happens and once it does, that person has achieved the one thing that is required for AA membership and that once this happens, that welcome is extended to them for as long as they want.  Once you've walked in the doors and choose to be one of us, then that membership is, in my opinion, permanent.  At least so far as you want to remain a member. 

For me, that's what happened.  I had a desire to stop and for a variety of reasons, I woke up one morning and realized that my inability to stop was because I was (and am) an alcoholic.  Looking back, after having come into the rooms of AA, I realized fairly soon that what happened that morning wasn't that "I stopped" --- what happened, to my utter surprise (even now!), was that I stopped trying to stop (some call this "surrender") and, in effect, I stopped stopping.

I began trying to stay sober --- one day at a time.  And that, amazingly, has worked for me for over 8 years.

So, in case you were wondering: I do now consider myself a legitimate member of AA.  No one can take that from me, but me.

Take care!

Mike L.

Am I Still A Legitimate Member of AA?

For quite a few years now I've been quietly wondering to my innermost self whether I am still a legit member of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Why?  Well, because of the 3rd Tradition.  I know that I oftentimes hear people refer to that tradition as the one that allowed them to remain a member of AA when all else seemed to warrant excommunication or desertion.  But I've been unable to honestly say that I have "a desire to stop drinking."  In fact, I haven't had a real desire to stop drinking for over 8 years now.  In fact, I think I lost that desire two days before I first set foot in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Sure, prior to the morning I woke up "struck sober" on October 20, 2001 I had become resigned to a daily and hopeless desire to stop drinking.  Most mornings, my first thought was "Christ!  I just can't stop!"  I'd almost given up trying to stop.  Stopping wasn't possible.  For the last 10 months of my drinking, I was trying only to drink and not get caught.

So when I began attending meetings of AA and heard mention of the 3rd Tradition -- my initial reaction was like most people: I felt welcomed and included.  Finally, here was a group of people like me.  People who couldn't stop drinking either.

But in time, as the fear of drinking again began to melt away as a natural consequence to my re-focusing my efforts not on "not drinking" but on "staying sober" and "learning to live sober", I gradually realized that I no longer had a "desire to stop drinking".  In fact, the mere thought of "trying to stop" was a dangerous path for me.  It seemed to reawaken the false belief that I could use willpower to stop and stay stopped.  It wasn't any solution for me to seek a "higher power" to allow me to stop.  That was equally dangerous for me because the line that separates me from "me becoming God" is a very thin one and easily crossed by me without my knowing it -- except in retrospect.

So I freely and knowingly gave up the desire to stop drinking years ago.  I eventually subscribed to the "AA didn't teach me how to stop drinking, it taught me instead how to stop stopping!" school of AA thought.

Last night this all came to a head when I was at my main home group, the Wednesday night Dignitaries Sympathy men's group in Walnut Creek.  At that group, we don't have a speaker.  We just read How It Works and then go around the room and have people share (1) what they've done in the last week to stay sober and (2) if they are struggling with something, to share it with the group.  And we permit feedback during the meeting.  What happened last night while Gary was reading the introduction to the meeting, I noticed that our format says that the only requirements for attending this meeting are that we be male and that we have "a desire to stay sober."

A desire to stay sober!  Not a desire to stop drinking!  A desire to stay sober!  I BELONG TO THIS GROUP because I HAVE A DESIRE TO STAY SOBER! 

Although I have no dreams of getting AA to change it's coveted 3rd Tradition, I guess it won't hurt to make my motion here on my own recovery blog.  Why don't we change the 3rd Traditon to say, "The only requirement for membership is to have a desire to stay sober."  I think setting the standard for admission and membership to this even lower level (I've always appreciated AA's setting the bar for admission to a very low standard!) than the "desire to stop drinking" level.  Let's bring it down one more notch!

Hi, I'm Mike and I have a desire to stay sober today.

Take care!

Mike L.