And Became Willing to Make Amends

Several days ago, I really screwed up.  I received two text messages from my son's recently ex-girlfriend.  Over the last three years she'd become a real part of our family and her decision to break up with my son hit all of us hard.  As my wife and daughters banded around my son, I suppose we all pretty much disconnected from his ex-girlfriend.  When I received these text messages, something got triggered in me and I was angry.  Instead of pausing when agitated, I responded with a long text message that contained one sentence that was technically not completely true.  And even had it been completely true, it was not kind.  And it certainly wasn't necessary.

The comment hurt her.  And rather than strike back at me, she struck out at my son.  That hurt my son.  He and I talked the day following, and I admitted to my stupidity and told him I was sorry.  I asked him what I could do to make things right and at the time we decided that anything I might do in terms of reaching out to her would only cause more harm.  I tried to let it go.

Over the last couple of days I've felt a growing sense of depression and unease.  The other night my wife sensed something was amiss with me and she asked me the dreaded "What's wrong?" question.  It's dreaded for two reasons: (1) I usually don't know what's wrong and (2) I know by the very fact that she's asking that there is something wrong and she really really wants to know what "it" is.   But the truth is, I don't know what's wrong.  So I get stuck and then we go through a "dance" for some period where she tries to get me to talk about something I don't know....  For some reason, that night the dance was short and sweet.  No harsh words or threats.  I think we were both feeling tired.  We are getting to old for that dance anymore.

The next day on the way to work I was going through my routine of reciting various things that I've memorized over the years.  Many of the things that I recite have become something of an inventory process for me.  One of those inventory type passages is a poem by Rumi called "The Guest House."  I've included that poem in a fairly recent post, so I won't put it here again.  What happened yesterday morning though was that while I was reciting this poem, I became aware of the saddness and depression that I had been feeling the last couple of days.  And I decided to take Rumi's advice and "welcome them at the door laughing" -- "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond."  I then repeated that same closing line again, except I changed it to "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from within."

I then listened to my guide from within and realized that all this saddness and depression is related to the harm I had caused this young woman by judging her and questioning her decisions.  In addition, these same feelings were expressions of grief over having lost someone who had come close to being another daughter to me and a member of my family.  I hurt.

I knew that I was not yet done with making my amends with her.  And I realized that I had become "willing" to make an amends.  An 8th step process was complete.  My 9th step task now is to determine, with my son's help I believe, how best I can make such an amends without causing even more harm.

The saddness and depression lifted yesterday with this coming to greater awareness of myself.  What a gift this recovery process has become for me.
 
Take care!
 
Mike L.