The Toolkit was Seemingly Empty...

Some time ago, I wrote a blog about one of the unique characteristics about the AA "kit of spiritual tools" or what is oftentimes referred to as the AA toolkit: what's unique about this toolkit is that most recovering alcoholics will go through their sobriety adding new and different tools to that kit and over time, they find that they freqently have to dig through the toolkit to find just the right tool for the challenge or problem facing them any one particular day.  But, at least according to the oldtimer I was listening to awhile ago, there will always come a day in every recovering alcoholic's life when he or she reaches into their toolkit only to discover that the kit is completely empty and all that seems to remain is the idea or thought of "just one drink."  Luckily for us, the AA toolkit is designed for such a day because in the bottom of every toolkit is a note.  And the note says, "You need more tools!"

Well, last week I was driving to work and I was doing my typical routine of reciting some stuff that I'd memorized as a part of my 11th step work (it was David Richo's 156 Fear Affirmations).  I'd only recited a few of them when I began thinking about a guy that I had been trying to help out for the last couple of weeks.  He'd been in recovery for several months and had a few relapses over the last year or so.  After the last relapse, he'd decided to make a change in sponsors and had asked me to be his new sponsor.  I was honored and began meeting with him once every week or so, had created a private recovery blog for him and had him posting a daily plan each night for maintaining his sobriety on the coming day.  After a few weeks, he simply disappeared: he stopped coming to meetings, didn't answer my calls or emails, stopped blogging.  Others in the program also reported that he'd stopped communicating with him and we all feared that he'd either relapsed or was in a dangerous period of isolation.

The non-responsiveness of this guy had gone on more than a week or so and I was growing more and more concerned.  Then, I'd hear from someone that he'd returned their call and that he was alive.  Drinking, but alive.  I tried various attempts at communicating with him and tried to balance that with some level of detachment.  I almost resorted to going to an Alanon meeting.  ;-}

Then this Friday on my way to work, I thought I'd try calling him another time.  I did and the call went straight to voicemail.  I tried to say something kind, hopeful, slightly funny....and then wished him well.  Asking him to let me know if there was anything I could do to help him get sober again.  Anything.

When I got off the phone, I noticed something surprising to me:  I felt better.  Prior to the call, I'd had a lingering sense of sadness, helpless, powerlessness in terms of my own abilility or inability to help this guy at this point in his recovery.  I'd often said that I have the philosphy as a sponsor to let the disease do all the hard work and then when the alcoholic is desperate enough to "stop stopping" and start trying to get or stay sober, then I reach out my hand to help in whatever way I can.

Hmmm, the phone call made me feel better!  Know that I've never been one who used the "tool" of calling other recoverying alcoholics as a part of my daily routine: I don't like the phone, I don't like talking to people who I can't see --- actually, I'm not sure I like talking to people even when I can see them!  But this day, I found out that calling another struggling alcoholic and trying to offer some sort of help in that manner, made me feel better!  I'd found a new tool at the most surprising time in my sobriety.

So, I did what I oftentimes do when I find something that works: I decided to try it again!  I thought of another guy I had been thinking about recently: he was what I refer to as an "inactive sponsee" of mine: these are guys who I had actively sponsored for some time, but for some reason or another had disconnected from me and yet still considered me to be their sponsor.  I sometimes joke that these guys had stolen my name and used it to get annoying folks off their backs in terms of "do you have a sponsor?" sorts of questions.  Sure, they would say, I've got a sponsor -- a great sponsor!  His name is Mike.  All in the hopes that that answer would make these AA pests leave them alone. 

Anyway, I began thinking of this one particular inactive sponsee: he'd met with me once about six months ago (after about a six month period of disappearing off of the horizon...) and asked me to continue being his sponsor.  We had a nice talk over coffee and then he disappeared again.  I tried a couple of times to call him, calls all went to unanswered voicemail hell.  A few weeks ago, someone had told me that they'd seen this guy the day before: that he was homeless (his wife had kicked him out of the house some weeks ago...) and drunk.  So, last Friday, I thought I'd give this "calling another suffering alcoholic" tool another test:  I called him and it went immediately to voicemail.  I wasn't really surprised, wasn't even sure he still had cell phone service, but I left of message anyway saying that I was thinking of him, that I hoped that he was sober and well, and that if there was anything I could do to help him in his recovery, please give me a call.  After leaving the message, I noticed the same consequence as the first call: I felt even better!

So, I tried it again: this time I called a guy that I knew from one of the early morning meetings that I've gone to for almost eight years:  he had been a regular at that meeting, really dove into the program, got a sponsor, worked the steps, made coffee, became a secretary, did various types of service.  A really nice guy and I loved how he simply added color and life and vitality to the meeting as his sobriety matured.  I'd not seen him around for awhile and a few weeks after Halloween this year, I'd heard from a mutual friend that this guy had had a relapse, short in duration but devastating in effect.  I'd called him a few weeks ago and he was encouraged by that call.  So this last Friday, I made a call to him as my 3rd test of this newfangled tool. 

Amazingly, he answered my call!  My first thought was, "Oh my God, now what do I do!"  I'd fully expected to get another voicemail and now he goes and screws it up by answering my call!  Anyway, after my initial shock, we had a great conversation lasting almost 30 minutes.  During that call, I even got a call back from the homeless sponsee -- I let that call go to voicemail and felt some Alanon pride coming back for doing that -- and finished up my call with the third guy.  We agreed to meet up for a noon meeting in San Francisco the coming week and then maybe lunch or coffee afterward.  Got off the phone, noticed that I felt even better after this third test and then checked my voicemail from #2.

The voicemail was amazing: he was sober and temporarily living in a homeless shelter run by some Christian missionary sect.  Not all that happy about their rules and routines, but it was a safe place to live until he could get into a nearby VA recovery program.  We had a nice talk and agreed that I'd try to stop by to see him before he moved on to the VA recovery program...it was actually in a town on my way to/from work.

I made one more call to a 4th guy before getting to work.  It was a short and sweet checkin call with a former sponsee who'd moved to the East coast over a year prior:  he'd had a relapse after his move East, had almost died just a few months ago: but was now several months sober and actively rebuilding his life and working a reinvigorated recovery program.

The wonderful ending of this day came when I was leaving a Friday night meeting that same day:  I'd had a call during the meeting that went to voicemail.  It was from my missing sponsee who for whatever reason: had heard something in my voicemail earlier that morning that helped him call me back, just to let me know that he appreciated all my calls and attempts to reach out to him.  But that he was simply unable to stop drinking.  He asked me not to give up on him and that he was going to try again to stop -- that hopefully he'd see me soon.  I called him right back: and surprisingly, he answered the phone.  We had a short but encouraging conversation and I assured him that I'd never give up on him and that I hoped he'd redirect his energies/efforts away from "stopping" toward "getting/staying sober for just one day".  He said that he'd try: but I knew the truth of that was not yet sinking in or making sense to him. 

My day ended with a sense of wonder and awe.  Who'd a thunk that a couple of phone calls could transform my world in such powerful ways!  And now, I have the sense again that my toolbox is overflowing again.  It was never really empty.  It was just full of tools that weren't the right fit for what was ailing me that day.  Guess that the tools show up when the right nut appears.

Take care!

Mike L.

The AA Kit of Spiritual Tools: Hey, It's Empty!!

In one of my favorite meetings the other night, one of my friends mentioned that even with double digit sobriety, he's finding himself struggling through a end-of-relationship issue that simply not going away even though he's using all of the tools he's acquired over the years in sobriety and a very active strong AA program.

He's exercising and eating well (remembering the H.A.L.T. trick...). He's meeting with his sponsor and still actively sponsoring other recovering alcoholics. He's got a service commitment. He's worked the steps, multiple times. He goes to quite a few meetings every week and participates in those meetings, both in terms of sharing what's going on in his life (at least in general, meeting-level terms) and trying to be helpful to others in the meetings, especially the newcomer. He's journaling and meditating on a regular basis.

As he was sharing, I remembered another member once passing on a story that he heard from someone else, which essentially said that when we begin our recovery process, we're all given a toolkit for spiritual tools and as we progress, we'll pickup more and more tools which can be used and/or saved for future use. The tale went that every one of us will eventually reach a point in our sobriety where something "bad" happens and we look into our AA toolkit looking for a tool and are terrified to discover that there are no tools in the kit! When that happens, according to this AA folktale, don't panic because in every AA certified toolkit is a special note taped to the bottom of the kit and it reads, "You need more tools!". Before I could share this with the group, my friend already discovered what he needed to do: start looking for more tools. He's good at reading my mind.

The tools can certainly include the principles we acquire through working the steps, but they can also be sayings or slogans (i.e., One Day at a Time, Take it Easy, etc.). H.A.L.T. can be a very useful assessment tool when feeling off the beam: Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely and/or Tired? If so, take care of those deficiencies and you'll be less "thirsty" for that first drink. Sometimes, I hear great lines in meetings and they get filed away as tools which I can either use or share with others. For instance, one old guy around here sometimes says, "Live life one whelm at a time! If you try to juggle too many whelms, you'll get overwhelmed!".

Other woman told me her favorite line was one that she stole from her sponsor and it was "I got sober at the corner of Grace and Willingness!" I love that line. I remember when I heard her share it at a meeting, that while I loved it, it wasn't where I got sober. I knew my sobriety was a gift, so I certainly did get sober somewhere on Grace Street, but it was certainly not on the corner of Grace and Willingness. "Where was it?" began percolate in my brain.

After a couple of weeks, I saw her again and I ran up to her and reminded her about her favorite line and how much I like it----but that I'd been struggling over the last couple of weeks to discover "where" I got sober and I finally figured it out. It was at the corner of Grace and Hopelessness! About a half block down from Grace and Willingness. For me, the gift of sobriety came to me the morning I woke up and accepted the hopelessness and futility of trying to be someone other than who I was. And I was, for better or worse, an alcoholic. And instead of fighting that, I needed to go with the flow and start doing what my son was doing.... And there, yessireee, was Willingness. Yet another spiritual tool.

Take care!

Mike