Levels of Gratitude: One thru Four ( For Now!)

This morning, first day of a long overdue vacation with my wife to Oregon, I experienced a prolonged and first time experience of the highest level of Gratude, which I am going to call, for lack of a better term, the O-MyFuckingGod level of gratitude. As I announced here a couple of months ago, I have been practicing gratitude in a formal and daily way since January of this year. Now almost seven months and 165 gratitude lists into my gratitude "project" I want to report on an experience I had today of what I think must be one of the highest levels of Gratitude.

Yes, there are levels of Gratitude: Four Discovered So Far 

Level 1: Not Grateful. This is, surprisingly, the first level of gratitude. Just like for the actual alcoholic, the first level of self-identification is calling one's self a Non-Alcoholic. This subjective state is where we are totally ignorant of all or anything we have to be grateful for. It's also called depression, self-absorption, isolation/loneliness, self-pity and self-hatred. Most alcoholics, including me, come into recovery at this level of gratitude. I came into the rooms in late October, and trust me, I not only came to quickly HATE the November topics of Gratitude -- I let everyone know this was an Outside Issue at every meeting where that was the topic for at least the first year or two of recovery. Especially when it wasn't November!

Level Two: Fake It Til You Make It Gratitude Lite. This is where you begin pretending to feel things that you mostly don't really feel. That's because you're actually still feeling most of the Level One "negative" feelings, but for some reason (I desperately want Dr Earle to like me!) you start pretending to feel positive feelings even though you don't. In AA, this is a long-sanctioned deception encouraged by sponsors and other non-requested sponsors. Trust me, you'll feel better if you do this for 30 days in a gratitude journal at night before you go to bed!  "Sure, I'll do this [idiotic bullshit!] just because you "suggested" [i know it's more than a suggestion! I'm not a complete idiot!] it. Thanks! [Not!]"

Level Three: Actual feelings of grate-fullness. This actually started to happen within me after 3-4 years of recovery. Without ever doing even one written gratitude list. This happened because I finally "heard" within me what Earle had told me before he died: Mike, gratitude isn't a feeling, not something you are supposed to feel. It's a decision, a habit or an attitude. It's an attitude that members of AA have found tremendously helpful in their lives. You might want to try giving it a shot!  (He was the kindest meanest man I'd ever known up to that point in my life. 

Level Four:  Well, for this one, I just want to share a story because stories are the most direct path to the Truth. This is the story I shared this morning with the now 25 members of my private AA Gratitude Project blog: as you'll see, I now call this highest (so far!) level of gratitude the O-MyFuckingGod level of gratitude!

This morning's post:

As I mentioned in my Gratitude list earlier this morning, I was able to go to a Crack of Dawn 7am meeting here in Ashland, Oregon today.  I wrote today's  list at 6am on my first full day of vacation. What i now need to share, double-dipping in gratitude as it were, is thst on my way to this AA meeting, unusual things started to happen, important and very subtle things that we often miss, especially if we aren't practicing things like Gratitude or Acceptance. 

I should have known that there was something special about this particular meeting when the Google Map directions ended up taking me two blocks past Normal Avenue and then told me to turn left in order to get to the church where this AA meeting was being held!  O-MyFuckingGod! #1

I went into the meeting, a little resentful that coffee wasn't ready for ME, and sat down as far away from anyone as I can--can tou imagine what i would be like if i weren't sober and not practicing daily gratitude for seven months!--when a woman down the aisle leans forward and says to me, is this your first time to this meeting?  I say, Yes it is....Patty!   

You see, Patty is someone I met at the Lafayette Hut when I first got sober and I just loved her just plain honesty. In 2003, she retired from the Sheriff's office and moved to Oregon and I'd never seen her since. Until this morning!  O-MyFuckingGod! #2

After we hugged and quickly exchanged quick updates, I sat back down and looked across the room and then saw another woman I love from where I live, named H____, and our eyes connected and there was yet another hug and quick exchange of stories.  O-MyFuckingGod! #3

The meeting began after the secretary asked me to read The Promises at the end of the meeting.  I checked in, as did H____, as a visitor from California and everyone welcomed me all the visitors.  

It was an open Topic meeting where someone, anyone, volunteered a topic for that meeting.  One of the other visitors, a man who was there with his sober wife, and who was celebrating with her their 17th sober anniversary of marriage, said that at his Napa home group on Saturday mornings, the topic was always Gratitude!  O-MyFuckingGod! #4

When he finished, I shared about my December experience with a sponsee and newly (again) sober guy, who was so seriously depressed, that I suggested that he do something I had never actually done myself:  a daily gratitude list.  When he was unsuccessful/unwilling to do that after two weeks (including the shortest 5150 commitment I've ever heard of!)  I told him that I was giving up on trying to get him to do a gratitude list for 30 days, and that instead of getting him to do it, I was going to do it. In addition, everytime I finished writing mine, I would send him a copy. Miraculously, he then started doing the daily gratitude list and sending me a copy of his list most every day.  I think because he knew I would like it if he did. Over six months now, I'm still doing a daily gratitude list and sharing it in this AA Gratitude Project site with over 25 and some of them are doing the same with me.  This story changed the whole dynamic of the meeting.  Good stories do that.  O-MyFuckingGod! #5

There were 5 other MyFuckingGod! Experiences during and following the meeting. Including when I got lost on the way back to the hotel and had to resort to GoogleMapsto find my way....  Siri's third direction on the way home was to "turn right in 600 feet on Normal Ave."!  

O-MyFuckingGod!

Then I got back to the room, climbed back into bed and snuggled up to Nancy -- who was still "not snoring". 

Take care!

Mike L

Checking In and Announcement of New Gratitude Project Blog

I know it that I hate it when I find a recovery blog that I like and then the blogger just seems to disappear. Assuming there are those out there that have found my recovery blog helpful, I apologize for how I've been neglecting this blog. My recovery is still center most in my daily life and practice, I've simply not had time to regularly maintain this site.

Brief catch up: my son Pat celebrated 12 years clean yesterday and I still trail him by 5 months and 10 days. He will celebrate his 28th birthday in June with his one year old daughter (Harriet Charles.... the Charles is after me: I'm formerly Charles Michael L) and will be getting married to Harriet's mother in September. My oldest had her second child a few months ago: West Oliver Michael....yes, I'm one of the inspirations for Michael). My youngest is still going thru her grieving process following the loss of her first baby, Oliver, just over a year ago -- but she is also 25+ weeks into the process of carrying her second child, a boy like his brother), into this amazing and unpredictable world. And my "future ex-wife" and I celebrated 32 years of marriage last March. All's well with family.

My recovery is also doing well. Still going to average of 10 meetings or more a week. Actively sponsoring about 10 guys and meet with them any where from once every two weeks to once a month  -- and I approach sponsorship pretty much as outlined in the wonderful AA pamphlet,  Questions and Answers About Sponsorship). I still practice meditation via memorization and recitation while I commute 65 miles to/from work each day.

The only thing new that I've added to my daily practice of recovery is the commitment to a daily gratitude list. For over four months now, I have been consistent in writing a daily gratitude list: 10 things that I am grateful for in my life and, if needed, 3-5 short things that I am simply not grateful for --- yet. While I had developed a general habit of gratitude over the last 11years of recovery, I had never done an actual written and daily gratitude list. I had periodically suggested it for sponsees (with the appropriate disclaimer that this was not how I had developed the habit of gratitude -- I'd done it differently -- of course!) but had never done it myself.

Back in December of last year, I had a sponsee who was in a deep suicidal depression and in addition to suggesting therapy and much else...) I suggested he write a daily gratitude list as outlined above: every day for the thirty days it would hopefully take to morph this practice into a habit of gratitude. But he just couldn't do it. After several weeks of getting no where, I broke down and committed to doing my own daily gratitude list every day for 30 days. For some reason, that got him over the hump of unwantingness. But, more importantly, my life was changed dramatically as a result of writing this list, by sharing it with him and by him sharing it with me every day.

After the thirty days, we both ended the daily practice. It was wildly successful -- and we stopped doing it!  With the next two weeks, I got into two huge and painful arguments with my closer to being "future ex-wife" when I noticed the nexus between the arguments and my premature termination of the daily gratitude list. I immediately resumed the practice and also began extending the number of people who decided to join me in this daily practice: something along the lines of gratitude shared us gratitude doubled. And tripled and so on.

Eventually, I ended up just setting up a new blogsite called AA Gratitude Project.  Access is open only to those I invite to join. Once a member, each time someone posts or comments on a gratitude list, an email automatically goes out to all members with the list or comment included. In additition, there's an email address where members can email their gratitude list and have it automatically posted to the site without having to login. The only technical requirement to register with this blogspot.com site, the member has to have a gmail.com email account. That account is required only to login to the blog, the email notifications can go to you primary personal email account of any type.

The only membership requirement is that the person has a desire to develop a deeper sense or habit of gratitude. Members are currently all recovering alcoholics, men and women -- but I won't deny someone access simply because they are lucky enough to be a recovering alcoholic.

So. If any of my recovery blog friends would like to join us on this AA Gratitude Project, please send me an email (mikelrecovery@gmail.com) with your email address. You'll need to setup a gmail account on Google's site but I don't  need to know anything about that. Once I set you up as an Author, you'll get an email with instructions on how to access and register on the site. I'll send you an email with further directions and you'll be welcome to participate as you wish. I'll reserve the right to remove someone's membership if I deem your continued participation to be harmful to the group's well being (now I'm not grateful that I have a law degree and work for lawyers!).

Take care!

Mike L.