Passing of Time

I’ve not posted to this blog for over 3 years and wanted to check-in about what has gone on with me since my last post. I know that when members of AA disappear from my regular meetings, I too quickly jump to assuming the worst: i.e.,they’ve relapsed, drank or used. And if so, they may be having a hard time coming back into the rooms because of the shame, whether from one or more others or from within themselves — with no outside help needed.

Personally, I’ve always believed that my premature death will not be a consequence of another drink as it would be from the resulting shame or the fear thereof.  To remove that theoretical obstacle to whatever natural longevity I have, I’ve tried to defang this known obstacle in a variety of ways:

• Whenever a member comes back into the rooms after an admitted relapse and raises their hand as a newcomer, I do everything in my power to welcome them back and do what I can to avoid having them shamed in any way.

• And I usually admit my selfish motive underneath my kindness:  I know that a drink is always a possibility for me and there is no absolute defense against that possibility (were that not true, the 1st Step would be a joke or a lie.  Having an absolute defense to relapse is, for me, an assertion of powerfulness over alcohol. So why kindness to the newcomer?

• I explain to the newcomer that my kindness is selfish to the core: I want every recipient of my effusive kindness to remember my kindness at a future date and time when the hand raising newcomer is Me, Mike L, alcoholic. And the knowledge of this collective of others “like me” will return my earlier kindness in spades. 

But for the last several years, the main thing I do to keep my recovery “fresh” is to disclose my sober time in the order of Days-Months-Years. Today, for example, I know that I have two days, four months and 18 years worth of days. Technically, I don’t “have” that time — it’s not a possession. I can’t hold it.  I’m in this day, I don’t own it. 

This practice came about after someone in my home group talked about a guy in one of his regular meetings who drank again after 30+ years of sobriety. Luckily, he made it back to his home group and raised his hand as being in his first 24 hours. No one in the group shamed him in any way — they just welcomed him back. Several weeks later, one of his close friends sat next to him before the meeting began and leaned over to ask his friend, “What do you think happened to lead to taking another drink?”  There was no shaming involved - his friend was just curious.  The guy didn’t get defensive and just looked down at the floor — maybe while he was looking within — and then it came to him. “I think what happened is that I got used to counting years and eventually I forgot how to count days.”

I don’t ever want to forget how to count days. 

Take care!

Mike L.