Away from My Peeps

I am away for a long weekend in Phoenix with my wife and youngest daughter.  This is my fourth day in a row without a meeting and we won't get back home until late tonight.  It's rare that I go four days without a meeting and I'm missing my peeps greatly.  What I've been doing to stay sober these last few days is to read books somehow related to my recovery.  Yesterday, my brother-in-law gave me a book that he thought I might like: it's by Mel B. and is called Three Recovery Classics.  The idea behind the book was to provide people in recovery with access to three key pieces of literature that were a big part of Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith's life in recovery.  The three works are: As a Man Thinketh by James Allen, The Greatest Thing in the World by Henry Drummond and The St. Francis Prayer.

I think that Mike gave it to me because he knows I love reading anything about the history of AA and anything about recovery in general.  Not sure where he got the book, but it's autographed by the author.  The book has this "I haven't been read" feeling to it, so I'm guessing that Mike gave it to me just to free up a little space on his book shelf.  He's not as "in" to AA as I am and that's perfectly fine with me. 

As a Man Thinketh is a really good book and fits very well into my own experience: my thinking, right or wrong, accurate or inaccurate, has a lot more to do with my circumstances in life than chance, happenstance, luck or a Santa Claus-like God. 

As I mentioned in one of my early blogs, I developed this weird habit, early on in my recovery, of memorizing all sorts of things that I cam across in my recovery reading.  In a sense, I was almost "brainwashing" myself by committing to memory all sorts of things that I found beautiful or utterly true for me.  By repeating them over and over, they eventually became part of my way of seeing and interpreting things that were happening in my life.  Some of them became tools for personal inventory or self-examination.  As I read through As a Man Thinketh I realized that I couldn't but agree with almost everything he said.  The same was true for Drummond's book on Love (which "is" The Greatest Thing in the World).

Whatever.  Reading this book helped me reconnect with another alcoholic (Mel B.) and that sets things back on path for me.   Like Bill W. and Dr. Bob, I've found much value in reading non-AA literature and using it to give greater depth and width to my own recovery.  What I most looked forward to in reading these early classics was not so much the truth that they might contain, but rather, I looked forward to finding more about the founders of AA through sharing something that they read and incorporated into their lives and their writings. Helps me put more "context" into their writings.

In addition to this book, I also was able to talk to a sponsee yesterday and that was great.  He's having a hard time not only with staying sober but also with depression and isolation.  The depression and isolation seem to feed on each other and he tends to get caught in a very negative cycle with these-----but at least this time he's refrained from drinking during this bout with darkness and loneliness.

There's a part of me that wants to suggest refocusing his attention to more positive things (as suggested by James Allen) or on helping/loving others as a means to get out of himself (as suggested by Drummond) --- but making such suggestions has rarely been my way (as suggested by Dr. Earle!).  I may pass on this book, Three Recovery Classics, though --- it might suggest some alternative ways out of the painful place he tends to go when he runs out of solutions.

I am very much looking forward to returning to my home and work and regular routines.  I like routine.  Except when I don't.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Toolkit was Seemingly Empty...

Some time ago, I wrote a blog about one of the unique characteristics about the AA "kit of spiritual tools" or what is oftentimes referred to as the AA toolkit: what's unique about this toolkit is that most recovering alcoholics will go through their sobriety adding new and different tools to that kit and over time, they find that they freqently have to dig through the toolkit to find just the right tool for the challenge or problem facing them any one particular day.  But, at least according to the oldtimer I was listening to awhile ago, there will always come a day in every recovering alcoholic's life when he or she reaches into their toolkit only to discover that the kit is completely empty and all that seems to remain is the idea or thought of "just one drink."  Luckily for us, the AA toolkit is designed for such a day because in the bottom of every toolkit is a note.  And the note says, "You need more tools!"

Well, last week I was driving to work and I was doing my typical routine of reciting some stuff that I'd memorized as a part of my 11th step work (it was David Richo's 156 Fear Affirmations).  I'd only recited a few of them when I began thinking about a guy that I had been trying to help out for the last couple of weeks.  He'd been in recovery for several months and had a few relapses over the last year or so.  After the last relapse, he'd decided to make a change in sponsors and had asked me to be his new sponsor.  I was honored and began meeting with him once every week or so, had created a private recovery blog for him and had him posting a daily plan each night for maintaining his sobriety on the coming day.  After a few weeks, he simply disappeared: he stopped coming to meetings, didn't answer my calls or emails, stopped blogging.  Others in the program also reported that he'd stopped communicating with him and we all feared that he'd either relapsed or was in a dangerous period of isolation.

The non-responsiveness of this guy had gone on more than a week or so and I was growing more and more concerned.  Then, I'd hear from someone that he'd returned their call and that he was alive.  Drinking, but alive.  I tried various attempts at communicating with him and tried to balance that with some level of detachment.  I almost resorted to going to an Alanon meeting.  ;-}

Then this Friday on my way to work, I thought I'd try calling him another time.  I did and the call went straight to voicemail.  I tried to say something kind, hopeful, slightly funny....and then wished him well.  Asking him to let me know if there was anything I could do to help him get sober again.  Anything.

When I got off the phone, I noticed something surprising to me:  I felt better.  Prior to the call, I'd had a lingering sense of sadness, helpless, powerlessness in terms of my own abilility or inability to help this guy at this point in his recovery.  I'd often said that I have the philosphy as a sponsor to let the disease do all the hard work and then when the alcoholic is desperate enough to "stop stopping" and start trying to get or stay sober, then I reach out my hand to help in whatever way I can.

Hmmm, the phone call made me feel better!  Know that I've never been one who used the "tool" of calling other recoverying alcoholics as a part of my daily routine: I don't like the phone, I don't like talking to people who I can't see --- actually, I'm not sure I like talking to people even when I can see them!  But this day, I found out that calling another struggling alcoholic and trying to offer some sort of help in that manner, made me feel better!  I'd found a new tool at the most surprising time in my sobriety.

So, I did what I oftentimes do when I find something that works: I decided to try it again!  I thought of another guy I had been thinking about recently: he was what I refer to as an "inactive sponsee" of mine: these are guys who I had actively sponsored for some time, but for some reason or another had disconnected from me and yet still considered me to be their sponsor.  I sometimes joke that these guys had stolen my name and used it to get annoying folks off their backs in terms of "do you have a sponsor?" sorts of questions.  Sure, they would say, I've got a sponsor -- a great sponsor!  His name is Mike.  All in the hopes that that answer would make these AA pests leave them alone. 

Anyway, I began thinking of this one particular inactive sponsee: he'd met with me once about six months ago (after about a six month period of disappearing off of the horizon...) and asked me to continue being his sponsor.  We had a nice talk over coffee and then he disappeared again.  I tried a couple of times to call him, calls all went to unanswered voicemail hell.  A few weeks ago, someone had told me that they'd seen this guy the day before: that he was homeless (his wife had kicked him out of the house some weeks ago...) and drunk.  So, last Friday, I thought I'd give this "calling another suffering alcoholic" tool another test:  I called him and it went immediately to voicemail.  I wasn't really surprised, wasn't even sure he still had cell phone service, but I left of message anyway saying that I was thinking of him, that I hoped that he was sober and well, and that if there was anything I could do to help him in his recovery, please give me a call.  After leaving the message, I noticed the same consequence as the first call: I felt even better!

So, I tried it again: this time I called a guy that I knew from one of the early morning meetings that I've gone to for almost eight years:  he had been a regular at that meeting, really dove into the program, got a sponsor, worked the steps, made coffee, became a secretary, did various types of service.  A really nice guy and I loved how he simply added color and life and vitality to the meeting as his sobriety matured.  I'd not seen him around for awhile and a few weeks after Halloween this year, I'd heard from a mutual friend that this guy had had a relapse, short in duration but devastating in effect.  I'd called him a few weeks ago and he was encouraged by that call.  So this last Friday, I made a call to him as my 3rd test of this newfangled tool. 

Amazingly, he answered my call!  My first thought was, "Oh my God, now what do I do!"  I'd fully expected to get another voicemail and now he goes and screws it up by answering my call!  Anyway, after my initial shock, we had a great conversation lasting almost 30 minutes.  During that call, I even got a call back from the homeless sponsee -- I let that call go to voicemail and felt some Alanon pride coming back for doing that -- and finished up my call with the third guy.  We agreed to meet up for a noon meeting in San Francisco the coming week and then maybe lunch or coffee afterward.  Got off the phone, noticed that I felt even better after this third test and then checked my voicemail from #2.

The voicemail was amazing: he was sober and temporarily living in a homeless shelter run by some Christian missionary sect.  Not all that happy about their rules and routines, but it was a safe place to live until he could get into a nearby VA recovery program.  We had a nice talk and agreed that I'd try to stop by to see him before he moved on to the VA recovery program...it was actually in a town on my way to/from work.

I made one more call to a 4th guy before getting to work.  It was a short and sweet checkin call with a former sponsee who'd moved to the East coast over a year prior:  he'd had a relapse after his move East, had almost died just a few months ago: but was now several months sober and actively rebuilding his life and working a reinvigorated recovery program.

The wonderful ending of this day came when I was leaving a Friday night meeting that same day:  I'd had a call during the meeting that went to voicemail.  It was from my missing sponsee who for whatever reason: had heard something in my voicemail earlier that morning that helped him call me back, just to let me know that he appreciated all my calls and attempts to reach out to him.  But that he was simply unable to stop drinking.  He asked me not to give up on him and that he was going to try again to stop -- that hopefully he'd see me soon.  I called him right back: and surprisingly, he answered the phone.  We had a short but encouraging conversation and I assured him that I'd never give up on him and that I hoped he'd redirect his energies/efforts away from "stopping" toward "getting/staying sober for just one day".  He said that he'd try: but I knew the truth of that was not yet sinking in or making sense to him. 

My day ended with a sense of wonder and awe.  Who'd a thunk that a couple of phone calls could transform my world in such powerful ways!  And now, I have the sense again that my toolbox is overflowing again.  It was never really empty.  It was just full of tools that weren't the right fit for what was ailing me that day.  Guess that the tools show up when the right nut appears.

Take care!

Mike L.

Grandpa L!

Taking Advantage of Richo's "Fear Affirmations"

I'm sitting here at the hospital while my eldest daughter is having her first child in a nearby room.  My wife and son-in-law are there with her.  I'm sitting here alone in the waiting room, dealing with various fears as I wait for my first grandchild to be born.

As I drove here, just as Thanksgiving Day was coming to a close, I took advantage of the 1/2 hour drive to to the hospital to recite a series of fear affirmations that I found at the end of David Richo's wonderful book, When Love Meets Fear.  I'd memorized all 156 of these affirmations several weeks ago because I knew as soon as I read through them the first time that they were going to become another tool of mine to deal with life's ups and downs, and in particular, fear.  Reciting them aloud when I was in the car by myself helped put all sorts of fears in a place where they didn't seem to overwhelm me or take me out of the moment that I'm in right now.

When I got to the hospital, I decided that rather than watch TV or read, I would use my laptop to type out these 156 affirmations related to fear.  Again, I found that going through these affirmations again helped me stay centered and calm.  Certain affirmations seemed to strike me as right on target this morning.

While this might violate some copyright of David Richo's I'll beg forgiveness from him should that be necessary:  Here are my recollections of Richo's fear affirmations (I've bracketed [] any modifications or additions to his words -- I oftentimes modify the words of something I've memorized just to make it a little more "mine" or more personal):

1. I trust my true fears to give me signals of danger.

2. I admit that I also have false fears and worries.

3. I feel compassion toward myself for all the years I’ve been afraid.

4. I forgive those who hypnotized me into unreal fears.

5. I suggest now to myself, over and over, that I am freeing myself from fear.

6. I have fearlessness to match my fear.

7. I trust my powers and resourcefulness as a man.

8. I trust my abundant creativity.

9. I trust the strength that opens and blooms in me when I face a threat.

10. I believe in myself as a man who handles what comes his way…today.

11. I know how to rise to a challenge.

12. I am more and more aware of how I hold fear in my body.

13. I stop storing fear in my body.

14. Now I relax those holding places.

15. I open my body to joy and serenity.

16. I release my body from the clench of fear.

17. I relax those parts of me that hold on to fear the most.

18. I let go of the stresses and tensions that come from fear.

19. I let go of fear based thoughts.

20. I let go of basing my decisions on fear.

21. I stop listening to those who want to [export] their fears into me.

22. I let go of finding something to fear in everything.

23. I let go of fear and fearing and believing that everything is fearsome.

24. I let go of the primitive ways I have of catastrophizing: e.g., the fear belief: it will always be this way!

25. I am more and more aware of my instant reflex fear reactions.

26. I accept that I have habituated myself to a certain level of adrenaline.

27. I admit that I oftentimes choose the adrenaline rush that comes with the dramas of fear and desire.

28. I forgo this stressful excitement and choose sane and serene liveliness.

29. I let go of the obsessive thoughts about how the worst may happen.

30. I trust myself always to have an alternative.

31. I see the humor in my fears.

32. I see the humor in my exaggerated responses to unreal dangers.

33. I find a humorous dimension in every fear.

34. I find a humorous response to every fear.

35. I play with the pain of fear. 

36. I smile at my scared ego with tough love.

37. I am convinced of my abilities to handle situations and people that scare me.

38. I am more and more aware of how what happens or has happened is being faced, integrated or released.

39. I have self-healing power AND I seek and find support from outside sources.

40. I have an enormous capacity for rebuilding, restoring and transcending.

41. I am more and more sure of my abilities.

42. I am less and less scared by what happens, by what has happened, by what will happen.

43. I trust myself.

44. I trust the uncanny timing that I keep noticing in my life.

45. I love how I awake, or change, or resolve, or complete at just the right moment.

46. Nothing forces me; nothing stops me.

47. I let go of any fear of nature.

48. I let go of my fear of natural disasters.

49. I let go of my fears of sickness, accident, old age and death.

50. I cease being afraid of knowing, having or showing my feelings.

51. I let go of the fear of failure and of success.

52. I let go of the fears behind my guilt and shame.

53. I let go of the fear of aloneness or of having time on my hands.

54. I let go of the fear of abandonment.

55. I let go of the fear of engulfment.

56. I let go of the fear of closeness.

57. I let go of the fear of commitment.

58. I let go of the fear of being betrayed.

59. I let go of the fear of being cheated or robbed.

60. I let go of the fear of giving, receiving; beginnings, endings; comings, goings; scarcity, abundance; saying no, saying yes.

61. I let go of the fear of any person.

62. I let go of the fear of loving.

63. I let go of the fear of being loved.

64. I let go of the fear of losing: losing money, losing face, losing freedom, losing friends, losing family members, losing respect, losing status, losing my job, losing out!

65. I let go of the fear of having to grieve.

66. I keep letting go; I keep going on.

67. I let go of my paranoia.

68. I give up my phobic rituals.

69. I let go of my performance fears.

70. I let go of my sexual fears.

71. I let go of my fears about my adequacy as a parent or child; worker or manager; partner, [lover] or friend; [sponsor or sponsee].

72. I let go of the need for control.

73. I acknowledge control as a mask for my fear.

74. I let go of the need to be right, to be first, to be perfect.

75. I let go of the belief that I am entitled to be taken care of.

76. I let go of the fears about the 5 conditions of existence:

a. I accept that I may sometimes lose.

b. I accept that things change and end.

c. I accept that pain is part of human growth.

d. I accept that things are not always fair.

e. I accept that people will lie to me, betray me, or not be loyal to me.

77. I am flexible enough to accept life as it is, forgiving enough to accept life as it has been, [open enough to welcome life as it happens].

78. I drop the need for or the belief in a personal exemption from the conditions of my existence.

79. I acknowledge my present predicament as a path.

80. I trust a design in spite of the display.

81. I let go of more than fate can take.

82. I appreciate how everything works out for me.

83. I appreciate the graces that everywhere surround and enrich my life.

84. I find an alternative always exists behind the apparent dead end of fear.

85. I open myself to love, to people, to events.

86. I accept the love that awaits me everywhere.

87. I feel deeply loved by people near and far, living and dead.

88. I feel loved and watched over by my higher power.

89. I believe I have an important destiny, that I am living in accord with it, that I will survive to fulfill it.

90. I let myself feel the full measure of the joy I was meant to feel: the joy of living without fear.

91. I let fear go, I let joy in.

92. I let fear go, I let love in.

93. I let fears go and I expand my sensibilities.

94. I am more and more aware of others fears, more and more sensitive to them, more and more compassionate toward them.

95. I am more and more acceptant of all kinds of people

96. I enlarge my circle of love to include every living being and I show them love.

97. I am more and more courageous in my program of dealing with fear:

a. I let go of the need for control

b. I let the chips fall where they may

c. I admit my fears

d. I feel my fears by letting them flow through me

e. I act as if I were free from fear

f. I see the humor in my fears

g. I expand my circle of love to include myself and everyone

98. I have pluck and wit!

99. I let go of my defenses.

100. I defend myself.

101. I am non-violent.

102. I am intrepid under fire.

103. I am a hero: I feel pain in my life and am transformed by it.

104. I am undaunted by situations and people that threaten me.

105. I let people’s attempts to menace me fall flat.

106. I give up running from a threat.

107. I give up shrinking from a fight.

108. I show grace under pressure.

109. I stop running; I stop hiding.

110. More and more of my fears are becoming healthy excitement.

111. I meet danger face to face.

112. I stand up for a fight.

113. I take the bull by the horns.

114. I walk the gauntlet.

115. I put my head in the lion’s mouth.

116. I stick to my guns and hold my fire.

117. An automatic courage arises in me when I face a threat.

118. I dare to show myself as I am: afraid and courageous.

119. I hereby release the courage that has lain hidden within me.

120. I am thankful for the gift of fortitude.

121. I let go of hesitation and self-doubt.

122. I am hardy in the face of fear.

123. I have grit, stamina and toughness.

124. I take risks and always act with responsibility and grace.

125. I let go of the need to be different.

126. I let go of the fear of others expectations.

127. I cease being intimidated by others anger.

128. I let go of the fear of what might happen if others do not like me.

129. I let go of the fear of false accusation.

130. I let go of the fear of doing it his, her or their way.

131. I acknowledge that behind my excessive sense of obligation is the fear of my own freedom.

132. I let go of the horror about disapproval, ridicule or rejection.

133. I dare to stop auditioning for people’s approval.

134. I dare to give up my act.

135. I give up all my poses, pretences and posturings.

136. I dare to be myself.

137. I acknowledge that behind my fear of self-disclosure is a fear of freedom.

138. I dare to show my hand, to show my inclinations, to show my enthusiasms.

139. I let my every word, feeling and deed reflect me, as I truly am.

140. I love being found out: that is, caught in the act of being my authentic self.

141. I explore the farthest reaches of my identity.

142. I live my life according to my deepest needs and wishes.

143. I let go of the need to correct people’s impressions of me.

144. I stop being afraid of my own power.

145. I am irrepressible.

146. I draw upon the ever renewing sources of lively energy within me.

147. I am great hearted and bold spirited.

148. I dare to give of myself unconditionally, and…

149. I dare to be unconditionally committed to maintaining my own boundaries.

150. I open myself to the grace to know the difference.

151. I fling open the gates of my soul.

152. I set free joy, till now imprisoned by fear.

153. I set free love, till now imprisoned by fear.

154. I honor and evoke my animal powers, my human powers, my divine powers.

155. I let true love cast out all fear.

156. I face fear like the Buddha; I am the Buddha in the face of fear.

Nine Years...

With the exception of regular blogging, I've been pretty consistent in continuing to do what has helped me not only stay sober for over nine years now (my sobriety birthday is October 20, 2001) but also fashion a way of living that really is beyond my wildest imagination:  lots of meetings, working with others, reading and meditation (memorizing/reciting mostly...). 

The main reason behind my falling away from the regular blogging is that some life issues have arisen in the last month or two and they have been occupying a significant amount of my time and that time had to come from somewhere: blogging was it.  The biggest thing that I've been dealing with is my mother's development of a progressive form of dementia over the last year or so.  It's gotten to the point where someone had to step up and help her deal with the various aspects of this disease and to get help with getting it diagnosed and developing a plan of action.  In terms of my recovery, I should note that before I got sober, I had not talked to my mother for almost 10 years!  But in the process of working through the steps, I was able to eventually reach out to her and rebuild a relationship with her that has become quite strong over the last five or six years.  I've been there for her as she's experienced some strokes, a heart attack and five way heart bypass surgery and now with this gradual loss of memory at 81 years old.

What surprises me is that I've really come to enjoy my times with my mother.  That has never been true in our relationship: ever.  She trusts me, enjoys spending time with me and always thanks me for all my help and assistance.  What a blessing made possible by my recovery work!

As I've been going through all this with my mom, I've been consistent with my meetings, kept my commitments to my sponsees, checked in with my sponsors to keep them in the loop, and made time each day for maintaining my spiritual practices.  I've even taken up some new things, like calling people I haven't seen in awhile and just checking in or calling people who I know are struggling with the "not drinking part of the program" and just offering to help in any way I can --- or just to talk if they feel like doing that.  I've never been much of a phone person: but I decided to try something different and it's been paying off huge dividends.

Tonight I'm able to blog because my wife and youngest daughter are at the hospital waiting for my wife's sister to have her first baby.  I'll head over sometime later this evening, but for now, I have time to just check in with this blog.  Within the next month or so, I'll be joining my wife and eldest daughter and her husband for another trip to the hospital: that time to be there for the birth of our first grandchild.  I don't like projecting out that far, but I can't help it.  And I know I need to stay grounded in today:  I can look toward the future and back at the past, but I have to be careful not to stare.  It's staring at the past/future that throws me off kilter.

Anyway, I thought I would check in tonight with a quick blog before I head to the hospital. 

Take care!

Mike L.

Prerequisites to Critical Moments

As I've mentioned several times recently, I've been chewing on something I read recently and I just can't let it go:  The one obstacle to grace is control.  Ever since I read that line in David Richo's book, When Love Meets Fear, I've seemed to have this truth front and center in my consciousness most of the days since I first read it.  As I've been doing this "fear work" that I also mentioned in my last blog entry, the connection between the felt need to control things in my life and fearfulness is so close as to make them indistinguishable.

This morning as I was thinking about three of my sponsees who are all seemingly stuck in a very early recovery, I had a series of thoughts that sort of came pouring out: 

• the prerequisite of grace is letting go of control
• the prerequisite of letting go of control is willingness
• the prerequisite of willingness is not wanting to do something
• the prerequisite to doing something that you don't want to do is hopelessness or despair.

It's very hard to watch people holding on to control as though their life depended on their holding on to what they are holding on to.  It's especially hard when you know that the solution is not in holding on, but in letting go.

I just left a men's meeting at Old St. Mary's Church in downtown San Francisco.  The man who led the meeting read something from page 164 in the Big Book, including the most humble of all lines in our Big Book: "Our book is meant to be suggestive only.  We realize we know only a little."  I am truly aware of my own ignorance when it comes to what will work for another person.  I barely know what works for me and oftentimes I only learn that after thousands of failures and deadends and lots of pain.

So what do I know when I suggest to another suffering alcoholic that they consider trying what worked for me?  Nothin.  If anyone had suggested that I "let go" a moment before I did on the morning of October 20, 2001, I would have told them to go to hell and I would have stomped off without a clue as to what else I might try.  I let go only when there was no energy left to hold on and no other options.

I suppose that will happen with these guys also.  Or at least, I hope so.  There's always the other alternatives of jails, institutions and death.  Once again, I have to let the disease do the hard work of sponsoring the guys dumb enough to ask me to sponsor them.

Take care!

Mike L.

Commitment to Fear Work

As I mentioned in my last blog, I've been reading another book by David Richo called "When Love Meets Fear: Becoming Defense-less and Resource-full".  Great book.  It's where I got the line about the one obstacle to grace being control.  Boy, has that line been turning over my life as a gardner would turn over garden soil at the end/beginning of a growing season!

Further into the book, Richo (who is not a recovering alcoholic, but who has psychotherapy clients who are...) writes down a long list of affirmations all having to do with fear.  He refers to the list as an inventory.  This week, I committed to memorizing this list of affirmations (all 156 of them...) over the next several weeks.  Memorization and recitation is a huge, albeit strange and ongoing part of my recovery work.  It has been almost from the beginning and for the last couple of months I've been waiting to come across something new and beautiful to memorize. 

This list of fear affirmations jumped out at me and after getting over the initial block of "there's way too many of these to memorize!" negative thoughts, I quickly responded to the fearful self with a kind reminder that I don't have to memorize all 156 at once.  I can do them, like many other things I've memorized or committed to in the past, one line, one day at a time.

Here are the first twenty affirmations to give you a sense of this different type of fear inventory:  (FYI: I've found that when memorizing a long list like this it works best when I go one line at a time and then progress forward in groups of five --once I have five lines down pat, I move on to the next group of five, one line at a time):

I trust my true fears to give me signals of danger.
I admit that I also have false fears and worries.
I feel compassion toward myself for all the years I have been afraid.
I forgive those who hypnotized me into unreal fears.
I suggest now to myself, over and over, that I am freeing myself from fear.

I have fearlessness to match my fear.
I trust my powers and resourcefulness as a man.
I trust my abundant creativity.
I trust the strength that opens and blossoms in me when I have to face something.
I believe in myself as a man/woman who handles what comes his way today.

I know how to rise to a challenge.
I am more and more aware of how I hold fear in my body.
I stop storing fear in my body.
Now I relax those holding places.
I open my body to joy and serenity.

I release my body from the clench of fear.
I relax the parts of me that hold fear the most.
I let go of the stress and tension that come from fear.
I let go of fear based thoughts.
I let go of basing my decisions on fear.

As I have been doing this memory work, I think that it's having a real impact on what is happening in my life.  In the last week since I've been doing this work, I've encountered four different people, three of them sponsees in very early recovery and another person who writes a blog recommended to me by a recovery blogger who thought I might be of help to this person she'd encountered in the blogosphere.  All four of them are going through their own dark nights of the soul.  Each is dancing close to a level of hopelessness and despair that almost leads me to call 911 and have them taken into protective 72 hour mental health hold.  And in fact, one of them was hospitalized on Monday night for just that reason: his friends thought that he was in danger of hurting himself or committing suicide.

With each, I've attempted to be with them in their despair.  I'm not at all confident that I am saying the "right thing", helping or hurting.  I strongly suggested that one go into a 30 day treatment center or detox unit, but he refused because he doesn't want to be a "loser who goes into rehab."  When I heard him say that, I paused briefly to consider how to best respond and ended up blurting out, "Well, too bad!  Go anyway!"  After a brief silence and just as I was thinking that he was going to hang up on me, he began to laugh from his gut, almost hysterically for several minutes.  He thanked me for making him laugh for the first time in 9 months (he'd had some years sober but had fallen away from meetings, got involved with a younger woman and when she broke up with him and learned of his alcoholism, he drank.   He's not been able to get sober for the last 9 months...   Later that same night I got a short text message from him letting me know that his friends had had him hospitalized.   He's out now and I believe still sober...but still resisting the rehab. 

All four of these people have reminded me of the importance of hopelessness and despair.  Dr.Earle used to say, "Thank God for Despair!" (in fact, he wrote an article in the AA Grapevine years ago with that title).  The reason for his gratitude for such an unlikely candidate as Despair was that he'd learned over the years that while despair was quite painful and unpleasant, if only he would be willing to walk or sit through it, inevitably on the other side of despair would come some form of enlightenment or awakening.  Always.  I've begrudgingly come to agree with this insight.  I sent him a text yesterday saying that the prerequisite to willingness was not wanting to do something.  And in that since, he was in a really good place!

I've watched fear up close this week.  I feel more alive.  I feel more, period.  I think I'm going to keep doing this fear work.  Even though it frightens me somewhat.  ;-)

Take care!

Mike L.