Checking In...

Just a quick check-in to report that the office move which I've been working on for 2-3 years has begun and we're over most of the move now and there's been no deaths or bloodshed. I've missed blogging a great deal and look forward to returning to my normal routines. While I cut back on blogging, I didn't cut back on meetings at all. Those have always been a constant for me. Last week, I celebrated 7 years of sobriety and I continue to go to 10-14 meetings a week. I'm addicted.

Take care!

Mike L.

Walking Through An Anxiety Attack

Two weeks ago, my eldest daughter got married to a young man who in addition to being a really great guy, has the added distinction of being 9 years clean and sober. Nice having two sons who both have more sobriety than I do: a son who's over 7 and 1/2 years sober and now a son-in-law with 9 years. Anyway, it was an absolutely great day. Got to dance the second dance with my daughter and I didn't embarrass her or myself in the process. Toward the end of the dance, my wife and son came dancing up next to us and my wife asked me if we could switch places... I agreed and then let her dance with my daughter and I danced with my son Pat. It was great.

What does all that have to do with my having an anxiety a little over a week after the wedding? I really can't ever remember having an anxiety attack before in my life. I'd heard my wife talk about her experiences of having anxiety attacks at various times in her life, but I never could understand why they were such a big deal to her and why she didn't just "snap out of them". But last Tuesday, I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I woke up with the realization that I'd neglected to do one of the several hundred "mission critical" tasks that I was responsible for implementing before our office move later this month. Somehow, this particular task had fallen off my radar and I woke up panicked at the fact that I hadn't done what I was supposed to do.

What was weird is that I got up and went into the living room and sent off a couple of emails to members of my staff letting them know that we would need to move forward with this neglected task first thing in the morning. That was all I needed to do and the task was going to get done. But the anxiety didn't go away. It lasted for about 12 hours... I was aware of it remaining with me all during that time. But I didn't stay stuck in that anxiety. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours and then went to an early morning meeting before going to work. I was anxious during the entire meeting. Talked to a few friends before and after the meeting, but the anxiety remained. Went to work and did what I needed to do, but the anxiety was still there. It was gradually lessening in intensity, but it was there.

I went to a noon meeting and the guy who chaired the meeting talked about how when he was 10 years sober, he'd stupidly prayed to God saying that he was finding life way too boring and asked God to give him something interesting to deal with. Within a month or two, he was diagnosed with cancer. I knew this guy when he walked through his cancer treatments and recalled how I admired his courage and perseverance during that difficult period of his life. As he recounted his story on Wednesday, I thought how silly it was for me to be so filled with anxiety about a stupid office move when this guy walked through and continues to walk through a recovery from a second deadly disease. When called on that day, I didn't have much time to share, but I did let the group know that I was really struggling with an anxiety attack from hell that day and that today's chair gave me the knowledge that what I needed to do was simply walk through this anxiety and that it would eventually pass. And it did, slowly.

Then two days later, I went to an early morning meeting and the chair that day talked about her father who was also an alcoholic who died having stopped drinking for some years, but without ever having discovered a sober way of living. As she talked, it dawned on me why I had the anxiety attack and it turns out that it had nothing to do with my job. It had to do with my dad...

A few days after my daughter's marriage, I was looking through hundreds of pictures taken during and around the wedding. Each time I came to a picture of me, I was struck by the fact that I looked like my father who'd died around 15 years ago from his alcoholism. Some pictures were of me from the back and all you could see was my back and my gray hair: it could have been my dad. One picture was of me and my hands: they were his hands! The face with glasses: his face, his eyes, his glasses! And each time I saw my dad in me, there was a palpable sadness, regret, shame and/or anger. Why wasn't he there for this celebration! Why didn't he stop drinking when I asked him to?

That was the source of my anxiety attack. Or was it?

At a subsequent meeting, I was recounting this journey through anxiety and how I'd seen my dad in the pictures of me....when it dawned on me that I wasn't really angry or ashamed at my dad: I was sad over the fact that I'd never fully forgiven my dad for being the alcoholic that he was. And even more, I was sad over the fact that I'd never fully forgiven myself for being the alcoholic that I was, that I am. That I'd hadn't been able to stop either when my son's therapist asked me to stop in order to be supportive of my son's attempt to deal with his drug addiction. That I'd drank secretly for almost ten months as he struggled mightily with his disease.

I'm grateful for all of this today. I continue to revel in the joy surrounding my daughter's wedding. I'm sitting here at work on a Sunday afternoon finishing up several more of those "mission critical" tasks needing to get done before our office move. I feel closer and more connected to my father, proud of him for all that he was able to do in his life, including loving me in a way that made me always know in my innermost being that I was indeed loved and lovable. Thankful for him being who he was because ultimately, that led to me being who I am, a sober alcoholic, an a father of one, now two sober sons in recovery.

What's wrong with this picture? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Take care!

Mike L.

The Mystery of the Big Book's Missing 2nd Step

Not sure if anyone has noticed this little detail of the Big Book: Chapters 3 through 7 are a narrative journey through all 12 of the steps and at each point in the journey, author highlights the point in the journey when each steps occurs in this narrative:

Step 1: p. 30: "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery."
Step 2: ???
Step 3: p. 60: "Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him."
Step 3: p.61: "We were now at Step Three."
Step 4: p.64: "This was Step Four. "
Step 5: p. 72: "This brings us to the Fifth Step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter."
Step 6: p. 76: "If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at Step Six. "
Step 7: p. 76: "We have then completed Step Seven."
Step 8 & 9: p. 76: "Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine."
Step 10: p. 84: "This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along."
Step 11: p. 85: "Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation."
Step 12: p.89: "This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics!"

What's interesting to an obsessive person like me is that not only is there no similar statement about Step 2, but there are two such references to Step 3. Where's Step 2? Did the first of the two statements re: Step 3 contain a typo? Did they mean to say, "Being convinced, we were at Step 2..."?

After chewing on this puzzle for some time, I've come to believe first, that the writers of the Big Book were slightly less obsessive as me and, second, that Step 2's statement is actually hidden in the line found on page 59: "Being convinced, we were now at Step 3....".

The phrase "Being convinced" seems awfully similar to the summary version of Step 2 found on page 58, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." "Being convinced" seems synonymous to "came to believe."

Now when I hear "How it Works" read at a meeting of AA, I always think about the next line that follows: Being convinced (That it Works!), we were now at Step 3. And if we're now at Step 3, what did we just finish? Well, Step 2 of course!

For me, Step 2 does not really deal with the issue of God or my belief/non-belief in God. It really had nothing to do with God: Step 2 happened for me around the time in my recovery when I realized that I had become convinced that this process actually could work for me and allow me to stay sober. For a long time prior to that point in time, sobriety had simply been impossible. Then, quite by accident it seemed, I woke up after my last drink and realized that the reason "stopping drinking" was impossible for me was the fact that I was an alcoholic. That's why it was impossible for me to stop drinking. In fact, that's why "I" am still incapable of "stopping" drinking. What I discovered that morning, almost 7 years ago, was that while I couldn't stop drinking, I could start staying sober, one day at a time.

Some months after that morning, after many many meetings of AA and watching the miracle occurring in others lives, I gradually became convinced that sobriety and recovery were possible. When I realized that, I knew that the 2nd Step had been completed and I was finally ready to move on to Step 3.

Take care!

Mike L.