Powerlessness Is Not a Problem, Now or Then

The 6 year anniversary of Dr. Earle's death (1/13/2003) was last week and I've been thinking about him even more than usual.... One of the things Earle told me when I was early in sobriety was that all of the Twelve Steps could be condensed or summarized into one single word: Powerlessness. While the word powerless is clearly contained within the 1st Step, he felt that it was not a temporary or limited state of being and as a result, he found it important to remember this state of powerlessness in each of the remaining 11 steps. He said all this to me during a Thursday night meeting at the Lafayette Hut and he then began reciting the remaining 11 Steps and he prefaced each step with the phrase, "Out of our powerlessness...."

Step 2: Out of our powerlessness, we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity....

Step 3: Out of our powerlessness, we made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him....

etc. (FYI: I've found it very helpful and powerful to recite the Twelve Steps in this modified format!)

Between now and then, I've been struck at how many recovering alcoholics seem to portray "powerlessness" as a problem that needs to be overcome or solved. In the Big Book, when it says, "Lack of power! That was our dilemma. We needed to find a power greater than ourselves by which to live and that power had to be greater than ourselves. Obviously.

To be honest, the truth of that has never been 'obvious' to me. Seems like most people translate that claim to read, "Lack of power! That was our Problem. And to solve that problem, we needed to find a power greater than ourselves by which to live and that power had to be greater than ourselves." Personally, I don't see powerlessness as a problem or as something "wrong."

When I say that I am powerless over alcohol, I no longer look at this in terms of what I can't "do". I see it more in terms of who I am. My body is different from non-alcoholics not in terms of what I can't do, but in terms of how it processes alcohol and other mind-altering drugs. That physical condition is not something I have any power over. It's just the way I am. Although I've only been sober a little over 7 years, I've had this physical condition for many years.

Is that a problem? Not really. The "condition" isn't really the problem. My problem was that I was trying to figure out a way whereby I could "act" as though I didn't have this condition. That is, I tried to act "non-alcoholically" when I drank.

I thought that I was quite successful at this for many years, but I always experienced "incidents" where I failed miserably: I would start drinking just like every other time, but I would reach that Perfect Moment when all the stars in the universe aligned with me....and then I would forget to stop drinking. Next thing I would know, I'd wake up, sick and having vomited all over myself, not remembering what I'd done or said (no problem: my wife would remember!) and feel all sorts of guilt and shame for having done exactly what I didn't want to do. These incidents started off rather sporadic and gradual....but over the years, they seemed to increase in frequency and severity. As it says in "More About Alcoholism": I was in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of time, it got worse.

What I'm trying to say though that my problem wasn't with these "incidents" --- my problem was that I was drinking and my body was alcoholic. When I woke up the morning of October 21, 2001 and realized for the first time ever that my inability to stop drinking was simply a disease called "alcoholism" and that I just happened to have that disease....then I was free. The solution to this problem (trying not to be who I was trying to be: a drinking non-alcoholic...) was to accept who I really was: a recovering alcoholic.

The solution was not just "not-drinking" as that would have just postponed the inevitable pain and suffering. The solution had to be a program of recovery and I found that in AA. My problem wasn't Powerlessness (if so, I'd still be screwed!). My problem was the ongoing attempts to ignore the fact of who I am as an alcoholic.

Suppose that's why I've never been all that motivated to develop definite belief/understanding of God.... It isn't really something I need to do, at least in terms of my recovery. Why create a solution for something that's not a problem?

Take care!

Mike L.

p.s. Note to Self: I need to write another blog on the topic of "God is Powerless Too! (and how that's not a problem for God either!)