Either You Is or You Isn't; Either I am or I amn't

Objectively speaking, that is.

Unfortunately for the one who is wondering what's wrong with them and if what ever is wrong has something to do with their drinking, the most clear cut and objective tests for alcoholism can only be done in the late stage of this progressive disease, oftentimes after the patient is dead or (wet) brain dead. Before that point in time, the tests for alcoholism are more subjective in nature and require the alcoholic themselves to make the final determination.

That said, once the alcoholic is or becomes an alcoholic--in fact--they no longer have any "choice" as to being or not being an alcoholic. The only choice at that time is a subjective one and the choice has to do with what kind of alcoholic they are going to be at any one moment in their remaining life. As far as we know, the disease itself will never go away nor will it get better. Alcoholics then have four choices as to what sort of alcoholic they can be at any one time:

1. They can choose to characterize themselves as a non-alcoholic. True, this does not change the fact that they are, in fact, alcoholics---but they can choose to think of themselves as non-alcoholics. They can claim to others and to themselves, the facts not withstanding, that they really are not an alcoholic. Personally, looking back, I see that I did exactly this for the thirty years of drinking I did before getting sober. And for the last ten years before I got sober, I would characterize myself as a "periodic alcoholic": whenever I would have an 'incident' ending in guilt and shame over what I did while drinking. The incidents got worse and more frequent.

2. They can choose to be a practicing alcoholic: they can give up the fight and just resign themselves to being themselves, i.e., drunks! This was certainly my mode of existence for the last ten months of my drinking career. I consciously began drinking every time I could (without getting caught) once my son began his recovery in January 2001. I didn't discover a solution to that nightmarish existence until I woke up after my last drink on October 20, 2001. That morning I discovered and accepted the objective reality of my being an alcoholic.

3. They can choose to be dry alcoholics: they can, for various periods of time (at least in the early to mid-stages of the disease) do without alcohol. In my case, these dry periods were always periods of time that I endured to prove that I wasn't an alcoholic. To prove I had control over my drinking. Once I did this for 18 months. No meetings. No AA. No help from anyone. 18 months. 18 fucking months! But these dry spells always ended the same way: I would become convinced that I had been able to stop and if I was able to stop, I wasn't an alcoholic! They can't s6op. I can. The inevitable problem with stopping drinking is that it always leads to me starting again. Always. The distinguishing characteristic of all dry alcoholics? They are all VERY thirsty and as a result will usually resort to drinking or using some other drug at some point in time. Or commit homicide or suicide.

4. They can choose to be an alcoholic practicing recovery. That practice (practice means "to put into action") can mean a variety of things for different people, but I think it always involves accepting the truth of this disease and finding some way to deal with life without resorting to the use of alcohol or other mind-altering drugs, one day at a time. There are comparable stages to this recovery, early recovery, the "middle years" and "long term" sobriety.

The important thing to notice about these four choices is that an alcoholic can avail themselves of any of these alternative views of self, at any time in their alcoholic life. On any particular day, they can pick and choose to live any one or gray area mixed combinations of the four. For example, I often hear members come into the rooms of AA sharing that they have just finished living some sort of "dry spell" and are now trying to get back into active recovery.

The most dramatic example of a dry drunk getting sober was seen by me a few years ago when I saw a guy come into one of my regular meetings: he was 25 years "without a drink or drug", but hadn't gone to meetings, worked the steps or worked on his recovery since he completed the first year of his recovery. For the first year of his recovery, he had done all the basics: didn't drink/use, went to meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps.... But then for the next 24 years, he became a workaholic and withdrew from the fellowship and from an active program of recovery.

Then the inevitable night came: it was 10pm and he was just getting ready to leave work, when he called his wife of 20 years and let her know that he was wrapping things up at the office and would be home shortly. Then, before hanging up and for a reason he still doesn't quite understand, he decided to ask his wife: "Are you happy?"

Her response was silence for several long seconds and then she said to him, in effect (I'm paraphrasing): No. I'm not. And I want a divorce. And when you get home tonight, I'll have your bags packed and waiting for you at the front door. Find another place to live beginning tonight.

Somehow, this man did not drink that night. Instead, picked up his bags, moved into a motel and then he returned to the rooms of AA the very next day. I remember being astounded that this man didn't drink, given what happened to him and that he'd been so disconnected from the program for so long. I talked to him afterwards and shared with him that while he miraculously didn't drink, it did appear to me that he was awfully thirsty! He laughed and we became AA friends from that point on. For the last three years he has been practicing a rigorous program of recovery...and knows very well the difference between "dry" and "sober". It's been inspiring to watch him soberly and honorably walk through the pain of a divorce and the joys/pains of new relationships.

I've been extremely lucky to have spent most of the last 7 and a half years as an alcoholic practicing recovery. It seems to be the easier softer way that I was always looking for!

Take care!

Mike L.