Discovering and Embracing Our Shadow Self

For the first couple of years of his sobriety, my son did nothing (so I thought) except sleep and eat.  Well, that and go to 10-14 meetings a week.  I'd come home from work and ask him what he'd done that day and he would typically answer me with "I did some writing (or painting) and some reading."  I would then bite my tongue to the point of bleeding and walk away to calm down: I knew that anything I might say to him would be angry and ineffective.  At least, that's my self-serving memory of how it went: I think Pat probably has a different memory.  ;-}

Then, I think when he was about 3 years clean, he called me at work to let me know that his book was going to be published by Lulu Press (a self-publishing publisher)!  I was flabbergasted--at a complete loss for words.  His book was very well done, albeit a quite dark autobiography of his short but scary life before and after sobriety.  Shortly after that, I told my son that I was very proud of him and his accomplishment: in fact, I was quite jealous.  I'd always wanted to write a book myself and wish that I'd had half the dedication and commitment to that endeavor as shown by him.

That next Christmas, my son gave me a beautiful leather bound journal.  He told me that it was for my book.  I was blown away.  I almost burst into tears.  All that said, for the past 5 years, that beautiful leather bound journal has been sitting untouched and unbothered at the bottom of my book pile on my bedside nightstand.  What happened was that instead of writing in that journal, I began this recovery blog in December 2007.  The blog seemed better suited to me at the time: I could access it from almost anywhere and I can write faster and way more legibly using a computer keyboard than with pen and paper.  My handwriting includes a form of encryption exceeding many DOD standards.

This weekend though, I finally found a reason to begin using the journal: last week my wife gave me several books that she purchased for me while she was on a retreat.  One of the books was authored by a favorite author of mine, David Richo.  He wrote a book called "Everyday Commitments" that I've used regularly over the past 2 years for daily meditations.   My wife didn't even know he was a favorite of mine though, she just saw several books, including two by Richo, and knew that I would love them.  She's amazing that way.  And I'm horrible that way.  Oh, well.

Anyway, the book of Richo's that I'm beginning to read now is called "Shadow Dance" and in it he provides help in learning how to discover and embrace one's personal "shadow self" (sometimes referred to as our "dark side" -- that part of who we are which is oftentimes hidden deep down and denied or rejected). 

[An interesting aside:  Richo also makes a very interesting comment early on in his book, he says that "if you're an alcoholic, you might want to consider going to Alcoholics Anonymous.  There you will learn about the twelves steps of recovery and most of these steps are really nothing more than shadow work..."  (or words to that effect)]

After reading only a few pages of this book, I knew that it was the perfect gift for me right now and I knew that I had the perfect tool for keeping track of all this Shadow work: my journal!  

So, I grabbed my Journal and opened it up for the first time.  As suggested by Richo, I wrote a statement on the first page which states that I am choosing to become willing and open to learn more about my shadow self and that I was dedicating these pages toward that effort and adventure.  I then began with one of the first exercises which was to list the most negative traits I saw in people within various areas of my life: my family, my profession, my religion (here I used AA).  The reason behind this exercise is that we can oftentimes discover a great deal about our own shadow self by identifying the negative traits of people we really don't like!  Once I completed this list of negative traits, Richo then asked me to go down that list and start trying to identify how these very traits were actually a real part of my own self.  Much surprised, I discovered that he was right!!

I then took a nap (this Shadow work is exhausting work!), but before I drifted off to sleep, I gave myself permission to let my Shadow speak to me through the use of dreams (also a suggestion by Richo).  Amazingly, I had this dream in which I saw these huge concrete slabs laying on the side of a hill --- looked like they were the rubble of some deconstructed highway or building.  In the dream, I realized that these concreate blocks were part of who I was and that they constituted part of my Shadow self.  I then began staring at these blocks, wishing and hopeing that they would disappear, that they would just blow up into nothingness.  But then, I realized that that was not the right strategy for Shadow self: rather than blow them up and make them go away (which is why they make up my Shadow in the first place!  I don't want or like these aspects of who I am!) --- I need to simply be aware of them, accept them, embrace them.  There's nothing wrong with concrete blocks, there's nothing wrong with these shadows, these negative and unwanted traits of mine.  They are perfectly OK.

I woke up completely rested and jotted down what I remembered from this dream into my journal.

Last night, I had many more dreams (I normally don't remember dreams...) and I'm not going to go into them here as this is not the place for that.  In fact, I think I may create a new secure blogsite just for me to supplement my Shadow journal.  Only I will be able to access this site: it too will be dedicated to furthering my Shadow work.  I am really excited about beginning this work.  My recovery is taking a new and deeper focus.

Take care!

Mike L.

p.s.  Son update: he now has two jobs, lives on his own, is completely and financially independent, has great friends and support group, is basically happy and 8+ years clean.  What was I worried about?