"I Just Can't Stop Drinking!"

I suppose that since I've always gone to many meetings (over 1 a day average over 8 years) that there are few things that can be said in an AA meeting that really bother me.  That said, there are a couple of statements that always have a visceral impact on me when I hear people say them in an AA meeting.  One is when a newcomer comes in to the rooms and says something along the lines of "I realize now that I need to stop drinking... for the rest of my life."   It's the "rest of my life" comment that makes my stomach twist and tighten.  Another comment is when people describe their moment of clarity as the point in time when the were finally able to stop drinking and they say something like, "I stopped drinking...".  In that phrase it's the "I" that ends up causing an immediate visceral reaction in me.  I not only don't relate to people's plan to never drink again for the rest of their lives or to alcoholic's claim to have stopped, I get concerned, if not outright nervous, that such approaches to sobriety are shaky foundations to longer term sobriety.

Yesterday I was at the 6:30am Concord Fellowship meeting and at the time when the secretary asked if there were any newcomers, a guy raised his hand and said that he was an alcoholic and had only a few days.  He wasn't sure how many days, but he looked pretty beaten down.  I'd seen this guy come in and go out of the meetings many times in the last 3-4 years.  Everytime he came back in, his life situation got worse and worse.  He would get a sponsor and begin the steps, but it seemed that he'd always disappear again within 3-6 months.  Yesterday seemed no different except for the fact that his life situation was even worse after this last relapse: ex-wife was dying of cancer and older son was facing 25 to life for abusing his son -- the newcomer's grandson.

After the chair had shared his story, he eventually called on this newcomer and asked him if he'd like to share.  The man told us of his worsening life situation and ended with a heartfelt admission that he "just can't stop drinking!"   As the meeting went on to other shares, I couldn't stop thinking about that comment, "I can't stop drinking!"  It was the one thing that I most related to in the whole meeting that day.  While I suspected that the newcomer felt he was the only one in that room that couldn't stop drinking -- I knew in my core that that was really the one thing that this guy had most in common with everyone in that room --- or at least, I knew that he and I both shared the same basic inability to stop drinking.  I eventually shared that view with the group, in a subtle form of crosstalk directed at this newcomer, and told him that I thought the idea that we are the only ones in the room who "can't stop drinking" is a mistaken belief.  In my view, the one thing I most have in common with other alcoholics, most particularly those in recovery, is the inability to stop drinking.

In fact, I think that's the good news of the AA program from the beginning.  In AA we discover that we can't stop drinking because we are powerless over alcohol.  We are powerless over alcohol in the sense that our bodies process alcohol differently than non-alcoholics and because of the nature of that particular disease, we are unable to change or alter that fact.  Our only solution then is to give up trying to stop drinking (as that's impossible for us) and to begin trying to stay sober today.  Just for today.  Not tomorrow.  Not for the rest of our lives.  Just for today.  And if today's too much for us, we can narrow the scope down even further: Just for this hour.  Just for this minute.  Just for now.  And now, just for now.

As I was talking, I glanced over at the newcomer and tears were falling down his cheeks.  And I knew that I'd touched something in him.  And then I stopped.  To go further would be to lecture. 

After the newcomer had originally raised his hand at the beginning of the meeting, the secretary had asked for members of the group who were willing and able to sponsor men to raise their hands.  Because I already have at least a dozen active sponsees, I didn't think I could take on another sponsee at this time in my life.  I was tremendously proud though when I looked across the room and see one of my sponsee's raise his hand and offer his service in this regard.  I've always thought that he would make a great sponsor despite my poor example.

At the end of the meeting, I did go over and hug the newcomer and tell him to hang in there.  Things were going to get better (and worse) if he found a way to stay sober today.  That said, it goes without question that if he's unable to stay sober today, things would continue to get worse and worse and that that progression downward would pickup more and more steam the longer it took him to get and stay sober, one day at a time.  I also suggested to him (and to my sponsee) that it might be a good idea for him to get into a detox facility sooner rather than later (he was addicted not only to the drug alcohol, but to some other very powerful drugs that make his situation all the more tragic/urgent).

I wish him well.  This is not a pretty disease.

Take care!

Mike L.