Several days ago, I really screwed up. I received two text messages from my son's recently ex-girlfriend. Over the last three years she'd become a real part of our family and her decision to break up with my son hit all of us hard. As my wife and daughters banded around my son, I suppose we all pretty much disconnected from his ex-girlfriend. When I received these text messages, something got triggered in me and I was angry. Instead of pausing when agitated, I responded with a long text message that contained one sentence that was technically not completely true. And even had it been completely true, it was not kind. And it certainly wasn't necessary.
The comment hurt her. And rather than strike back at me, she struck out at my son. That hurt my son. He and I talked the day following, and I admitted to my stupidity and told him I was sorry. I asked him what I could do to make things right and at the time we decided that anything I might do in terms of reaching out to her would only cause more harm. I tried to let it go.
Over the last couple of days I've felt a growing sense of depression and unease. The other night my wife sensed something was amiss with me and she asked me the dreaded "What's wrong?" question. It's dreaded for two reasons: (1) I usually don't know what's wrong and (2) I know by the very fact that she's asking that there is something wrong and she really really wants to know what "it" is. But the truth is, I don't know what's wrong. So I get stuck and then we go through a "dance" for some period where she tries to get me to talk about something I don't know.... For some reason, that night the dance was short and sweet. No harsh words or threats. I think we were both feeling tired. We are getting to old for that dance anymore.
The next day on the way to work I was going through my routine of reciting various things that I've memorized over the years. Many of the things that I recite have become something of an inventory process for me. One of those inventory type passages is a poem by Rumi called "The Guest House." I've included that poem in a fairly recent post, so I won't put it here again. What happened yesterday morning though was that while I was reciting this poem, I became aware of the saddness and depression that I had been feeling the last couple of days. And I decided to take Rumi's advice and "welcome them at the door laughing" -- "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond." I then repeated that same closing line again, except I changed it to "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from within."
I then listened to my guide from within and realized that all this saddness and depression is related to the harm I had caused this young woman by judging her and questioning her decisions. In addition, these same feelings were expressions of grief over having lost someone who had come close to being another daughter to me and a member of my family. I hurt.
I knew that I was not yet done with making my amends with her. And I realized that I had become "willing" to make an amends. An 8th step process was complete. My 9th step task now is to determine, with my son's help I believe, how best I can make such an amends without causing even more harm.
The saddness and depression lifted yesterday with this coming to greater awareness of myself. What a gift this recovery process has become for me.
Take care!
Mike L.
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3 comments:
If I have pissed someone off. If it is a woman, women are notoriously shy of expressing their anger. So when I apologise I try to make it easier for that person to express their anger. As I expect that most people are spineless and incapable of expressing it. I also try to keep the atmosphere light as opposed to heavy, because I think if that if I keep it heavy it further burdens the other person. So it is an act of service to present my case in a way that doesn't make them feel heavier after the conversation.
I have to admit I'm pretty good at restraint of speech. Speech is easy because I just shut up. Written words are not so easy, because it's very easy for me to sneak in a dodgy subtext into a seemingly innocuous sentence. And I've found that what I think is a polite and reasonable sentence, can turn out to have an ‘unclean’ undercurrent. So I am not always successful in weeding out every trace of resentment when it comes to written submissions.
In thought and emotion I am the most guilty. If I have a desire to punish I do believe it for some time, if I am frightened of altering my position in the argument. I find the hardest thing to do is to let go of old ideas. So if someone presents an alternative view I can be reluctant to be open-minded about the possibility that they might be right, if I am very personally attached to my old view.
If I have offended somebody like your son's daughter. I would expect her to be sheepish, shy, spineless, and as a result of all those three things very resentful and incapable of expressing her anger clearly. Most girls are. The anger sort of comes out sideways. So I try to encourage forthright and direct expression of anger. Mainly because I just dislike intensely anger comes out sideways. I much prefer it to be directed in a very straightforward way.
Anyway so the kind of thing I would say to someone like your sons girlfrind had I said something stupid and offensive, and needlessly angry would be something like this;
hi so-and-so, I've been feeling like a total ARSE since I spoke to you last. Mainly because I think I may have acted like a total ARSE last time I spoke to you. So it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest, if you had quite rightly formed the opinion that I was a complete ARSE in the meantime. So if you do feel like telling me I'm a good for nothing fucked-up irritating piece-of-shit ARSE, I would completely understand and probably sympathise. :) So I thought I would say hello just in case you might like the opportunity to tell me I'm a useless ARSE, who needs to shut the fuck up and keep their opinions to themselves next time they get their knickers in a twist. ☺
What I find is if you say this sort of thing with a straight face, and real sincerity, not only do people feel as though you really have seen the error of your ways, but they usually end up laughing, and the bitter pent-up emotions of anger seems to just move on. By this time they are usually able to say in jest without bitterness, that ‘actually you were an arse and next time you won't be so lucky because I might come round and punch your lights out’ :)
when I mean is this if they find a way of expressing their anger with sincerity but without heaviness or bitterness. So we both know where we stand, and the grievance has been acknowledged.
Sometimes I like to finish with something like, ‘so the next time I do something stupid you could say 'shut up you tosser or words to that effect.’ ☺
..And if you would like to come round and remind me that I'm a total bastard over a cup of tea of and a slice of cake sometime you’re very welcome ☺
So yeah it kind of clears the air and everybody knows where they stand. But that's how I like to do it. Basically I say funny outrageous things, and that sort of takes the wind out of their sails. Meaning the anger is no longer secret. And in the meantime we both have a bit of a laugh.
I'm not sure if it will work from an American perspective, but it seems to work fine in the UK. And it seems to work with people of different nationalities including Americans. But who knows. Basically I use humour a lot to make difficult conversations easier. I like it when we are having a laugh because when people were having a laugh they give themselves permission to admit things they wouldn't be able to do with a straight face. It's like that old story about the Joker and the King. But the joker was the only person that actually told the king the truth, because the Joker got to hide behind comedy. Everybody else was too afraid to tell the king what they really thought. So, humour has great usefulness I find.
Anyway I hope you resolve your dilemma with your son's ex-girlfriend very soon. I'm sure you will.
Anyway sorry for the long comment but you have to blame it on my dictation software. I get a bit carried away when I'm talking I don't have to type.
It's been my astute observation that in this culture, we are taught to enter into relationships, but we are never taught how to end them. No one knows how to cope with the end of a relationship, myself included. So you are not alone.
The facts seem to be this -- the relationship is over. You are powerless against it. Though all parties involved appear to be hurt over the end of the relationship, life will again be happy one day soon. Try to keep this vision in mind, even picturing what that happy life will look like, recalling the facts listed above.
When events in the world overtake me, I often ask myself two questions: 1.) How does this event affect *ME*? and 2.) What can *I* do about it? This is instinct; my first REACTION. It doesn't work (notice I didn't say it was wrong). When these things happen, it helps me to pause and pray, realizing that when I wake up in the morning, I turn EVERYTHING over to God, not just my food life, my alcohol life, my sex life, my son's life, etc. EVERYTHING.
Then I remember that there are many other people inside the rooms and outside the rooms who have vast experience who can help, if only I can ask: "our whole problem is the misuse of willpower." Self-reliance is our problem.
Sometimes it helps for me to picture a blinking red neon sign on people's foreheads who disturb me: "SICK PERSON!" How can I be helpful to this person? How can I help them understand what they need right now?
We used to live life believing that we could wrest satisfaction out of this life if only we managed well. But we soon learned that we only had a chance for recovery if we put others' welfare above our own.
Often, I see reflected in the faces of others what my problems and deficiencies are. This is why when I'm really sick my instinct is to isolate. Because the truth of my reflection in the faces of others is too painful for me to witness.
Self-reliance doesn't work. Pray, go to a meeting, talk about it with a sponsor, and then share what you've learned with others.
I think the best amends you can make at this point is to do no more harm. Focus on your own recovery and trust God.
You're doing fine! Go out and enjoy your day today! Have some fun!
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