Top 10+ Dumb Things I've Heard in AA Meetings...

Here's a list of truly dumb things I've heard in AA meetings over the last several years. All of them probably contain some kernel of truth that I agree with wholeheartedly....but they all struck me as utterly stupid at the time I heard them. The truth is though, I've actually heard some of my close AA friends quote me in meetings, "As Mike often says, blah, blah, blah..." --- when I've heard them do this, I've also disagreed with those quotes! I truly am a contrarian at heart.

Anyway, here's the list....it keeps getting longer and I'm sure I'll be guilty of saying any or some of these at some point myself. Oh, well.

1. "There's a chapter called 'Into Action' but no chapter called 'Into Thinking' ". -- true, but (1) thinking IS an action and (2) we are sentient beings who must think--the challenge is to think well (and in that regard, pp. 86-87 in Into Action, provide a most beautiful explanation of how to think more humanly..."On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead....(next 3 paragrapha)

2. "My best thinking got me here (said in sarcastic tone)." My best thinking DID get me here! It was my worst thinking that kept me out there and from coming in the doors of AA.

3. The expansion of "Keep Coming Back!" to say, "Don't Ever Leave!". I think we must leave and return to the real world. The AA meeting and the fellowship is a brief, periodic place of respite, not a 24 hour safety zone.

4. Sometimes told to a newcomer: "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth". Oh, pluleeeez. When I got sober, I'd been isolating for so long with alcohol as my only true friend and lover, that when I did get into these meetings, I needed to talk about what was going on, what feelings were flooding into my consciousness, what fears I had, etc. True, I needed to learn the art of sharing....and that took time and thank god there were lots of people who were exceedingly patient and kind with me during those emotional outbursts and floods. But I needed to talk. I needed to get connected to others. I needed you to know me. Someone once said that there are two parts to AA: the story-telling part and the story-listening part. (Ernest Kurtz). I love that line: for me, the only reason I could handle the story-listening part was that I knew that one day, I'd get to tell my story. Ahhhh, what a relief that was. And what nourishment I get from listening to other people's stories.

5. "God willing, I'll have X years/mos/days sober..." I sometimes counter this mantra by saying that "Me willing, I'll have x years/mos/days sober....". I really can't imagine God willing any alcoholic/addict to drink or use..... Truly, sobriety seems to be a gift....but the key ingredient for that gift to become effective is acceptance. And that's something only I can do.

6. The demeaning way people talk about selecting a door knob as a higher power; what's so bad about God as door knob? What's a door knob used for; opening a door and getting into the next room? What's important in the use of door knobs?letting them go before closing them once you're in the new room! A finger pointing to the moon; don't get distracted by the finger that you forget to see the moon!

7. "If you want what we have, do what we do." Be careful: doing what we do is actually impossible to do (you aren't me); doing what we do might get both the visible desired good and the invisible undesired bad results! I tell my sponsees that I don't tell them my stories in some subtle attempt to tell them what to do. Doing what I do my very well get them drunk! I tell them my stories because that's really all I have to offer them. My stories are more often "warnings" than they are "instruction sets."

8. "The 12 Steps were meant to be done in order..." True, but they were also suggestions and there may be good reasons for taking some of them out of order. In fact, I heard one person say that their sponsor told them if they ever find themselves stuck in a particular step, always feel free to work any step that has a "1" in it: i.e., 1, 10, 11 or 12. And Step 11 has two ones in it, so really feel free to work Step 11 at any time!

9. "My sponsor had me do the steps exactly according to the Big Book, including the fourth column of my fourth step." To be honest, I looked and I didn't see anything about a fourth column in the book or in the 12x12. The book does say, earlier in the 5th chapter, that under certain conditions, we'd be ready to take "certain steps"... For me, what happened is the steps seemed to happen to me pretty much in order. But I many times resorted to use of the 10th step to take care of some day-to-day stuff (especially with my wife), the 11th step to begin and end and survive my day, and the 12 step to try and help someone who was hurting from this dis-ease. And I've often found myself smack dab in the middle of a 1st step experience of powerlessness over alcohol and many other things, again, especially my wife!

10. "I've earned my seat here in AA..." All that's required is a desire to stop drinking.

11. "My sponsor told me that there's no F* word in any spirituality or spiritual program..." There's an old timer around here who says this whenever he hears another member sharing and using supposedly foul language. His lectures have always bothered me. Personally, I love to say Fuck in meetings when it seems appropriate (to me, of course!) My sponsor says it all the time, in fact, it's used by him more often than verbs or adjectives! Where others use spaces and pauses between words, he uses the word Fuck. As in many other areas of life, here's a place where my sponsor is much sicker than I am... Anyway, next time I hear this guy make this statement in a meeting, I'm going to crosstalk (subtlely, of course!) and share that "I think his sponsor is factually wrong, because for me, it wasn't UNTIL I used the F* word in my prayer that my prayer truly became intimate with my higher power!! In fact, when other polite forms of prayer don't seem to get the job done, I sometimes resort to the one word version of the Serenity Prayer which in fact only contains one word, the F* word!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" It simply expresses surrender better than any other word I know.

12. "I know I have one more drunk in me, I don't think I have another recovery." I'm assuming that if we're truly powerless over alcohol, at least once it's in our bodies, then none of us alcoholics are going to be very good a predicting one way or another what will or won't happen if we drink or use. Personally, I'm not so much afraid of the relapse as I am of the possibility that were I to relapse, I might be so ashamed of myself for relapsing that I'd be too afraid/proud/stubborn to come back in the rooms and raise my hand. That's what scares me.

13. "John, I don't think you're done yet. (said to an AA by a 'friendly' AA who didn't think had his heart into working the program)." What a dumb thing to say to another alcoholic! As mentioned in #12 above, none of us has any idea what will happen if we drink. Why we'd give any other alcoholic the added excuse or motivation to take another drink is beyond me.