An Improved Vocabulary

I was in a meeting the other evening and the chair noted that she was feeling like her life at 12+ years sober was "unmanagable" and then went on to describe some of the circumstances or situations underneath that so-called unmanagability. Her topic was the 1st step and how were people dealing with unmanagability.

As I listened to this woman's share, I began to sense that what she was describing as "unmanageable" wasn't really what I would call "unmanageable". It was something else... It seemed to be more of a feeling of "discomfort" or "uneasiness" with the situations in which she found herself at this time in her life. She wanted things to be different than they were, especially on an emotional level. That they weren't different when she wanted them to be was being categorized as a sign of her life being "unmanagable." I'm not sure if it was her life that was unmanagable as much as it was her feelings of discomfort and dis-ease. I shared this sentiment at group level and her head seemed to nod as though my words were helpful.

Since that meeting, I've begun to reflect on the fact that one of the greatest gifts I've received over the last six years of sobriety has been the gift of a greater vocabulary for my feelings and emotions. When I got sober, I had only a few words to describe whatever emotional state I found myself: 1. Fine, 2. Depressed. 3. Angry (especially if you kept pestering me about why I was depressed!), 4. Getting Angry and 5. I dunno.

I think that of those five words or phrases, I liked "Fine." the best. For me, "Fine" meant that I really had no clue as to what I was feeling and no care about finding out. True, I took "Fine" and "I dunno" to be synonymous, but Fine seemed to work better with my wife, most of the time at least. "I dunno" made me sound like a 48 year old idiot.

Finding out what I was feeling was painful and I didn't like pain. When I felt pain, I drank. Now that I think of it, when I didn't feel pain, I drank: not to feel, but to feel "better".

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I received some great mentoring on dealing with emotions and feelings when I came into AA. I was taught that there were no good or bad feelings. Feelings were without moral judgment or categorization. In addition, I was taught a whole new vocabulary for human emotions and this vocabulary is expanding at an exponential pace. Anger, saddness, sorrow, joy, fear, love, frustration, tenderness, passion, grief, jealousy, excitement, anxiety, comfort, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, etc. Oh, and of course, Fine. I actually do feel "fine" sometimes. It's ok. In fact, "I dunno" is a great tentative response to someone's inquiry as to how I'm feeling or doing: if I don't know the answer, that fact can get me to begin listening more carefully to what's going on within me.

Another thing that I've learned recently about feelings is that they are not static and unchanging. They are in a constant state of flux and change. Some times that change is almost imperceptable, but the fact is if I'm getting frustrated about the fact that I'm still feeling "anxious" about something, then my feeling has already changed! It's no longer "anxiety" it's now "frustrated anxiety"! I'm making progress. I'm walking through it and I'm not being destroyed or annihilated by my feelings.

In fact, my feelings are becoming my greatest teacher and mentor as I go through my life. They tell me much about myself. I used to blame my feelings on external things (e.g., my wife, my son, my boss, my "situation", my father, etc.). "They" were the cause/source of my unwanted (or wanted) feelings. What I've learned, or rather, what I'm learning now is that my feelings are just a reflection of how I'm choosing to perceive life. Sometimes that "choosing" is done out of habit or ignorance, but I can break habits and become more learned about my self and my life. My recovery work is certainly an "inside job" and really doesn't need to involve all those significant others out there in my life. It's amazing how much "better" all of them have become since I've started taking care of myself!

Take care!

Mike L.