Alcoholic Insanity and the 2nd Step

When I look back over my life to see where I was insane, at least in terms of my drinking, it's clear to me that the particular type of insanity relevant to my alcoholism, both drinking and sober, is best defined as "someone trying not to be who they are."

Insanity in this context would exist if a man were trying for his whole life to be a woman because he simply didn't want to be a man. True, this man could do all sorts of odd things in his desperate attempt to be a woman, but there is really nothing at all he can do about his situation. He's simply a man, whether he likes it or not. Sure, he can remove certain parts of his body (ouch!) or make some parts look different, but he would then only be a man less one part and/or with other different looking parts. In the end, he'd still be a man. His attempts to be otherwise are insane acts.

This describes me and my 30 year battle with alcohol, or rather, with alcoholism. I spent 30+ years trying to drink and not be an alcoholic. It was the attempt to "not be an alcoholic" that was essential to my insanity, not the drinking.

Looking back now from this perspective of being 7+ years sober and in recovery, I think I now realize more accurately that "alcohol" was really an imaginary enemy. The real enemy was me. Almost from my first drink, I drank with the clear intention not to become an alcoholic like my father....or any other identified alcoholic for that matter. Trying to drink "like" a normal person is quite hard for anyone I suppose, but it eventually becomes impossible for someone who is an alcoholic.

When I understood this, I felt I was done with my 2nd Step. I had come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Take care!

Mike L.