14th Dumbest Thing I've Heard in an AA Meeting

Some time ago, I wrote a blog entitled "The Top 10 Dumb Things I've Heard in AA"
http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com/2007/12/top-10-dumb-things-ive-heard-in-aa.html and in that blog I listed 13 of what I consider to be the dumbest things I've heard in AA since becoming a part of AA in 2001. Recently, I decided that I'd heard my 14th when I heard several sponsors talking about relapses by their sponsees. The so-called AA wisdom that they passed on to me basically says that if a sponsee of yours relapses, just ask yourself if you (the sponsor) drank. If not, then somehow you're still a sponsor in good standing.

While I certainly agree with the sentiment that I'm not responsible for a sponsee's getting sober (or drunk), I'm not at all sure I want to buy into the dispassionate distancing of myself from the various feelings I experience when I hear of a sponsee's relapse---or anyone else's relapse for that matter.

I recently did have a sponsee relapse after about 18 days of sobriety and when he called me during that relapse, I remember feeling a heightened sense of being alert, that this was important and that I should choose my words carefully so as to be as helpful as I could to this man. He'd begun drinking that afternoon and had several beers before deciding to call me. He was absolutely devastated that he'd drank and for some miraculous reason, decided to call me and talk about what was going on. I felt a tremendous amount of compassion for him. I felt some of the pain and agony that he was experiencing. I connected with the shame and guilt that he was feeling: I'm sure that I would have experienced something similar.

He's gotten sober since and although it was quite rough on him for the first week or two, he seems to be back on track now. Most of his struggles during those first two weeks were dealing with the self-imposed shame and guilt that he was feeling in terms of having somehow let us (those of us in AA) all down by drinking. He had a hard time raising his hand for awhile...but that hurdle seems to be something of the past now.

I struggled with him all through this ordeal, trying to find the right words that would help him move forward and not get bogged down in self-pity or isolation or "too much" despair (in my experience, there's a certain amount of despair that is required to let go of some old ideas....and there's a fine line indeed between that amount and the amount which leads to suicide).

I know that I'm susceptible to being too attached or co-dependent of my sponsees or other alcoholics. But I'm be damned if I'm going to play it safe in this life by detaching so much from other suffering alcoholics that I cut myself off from feeling the full range of feelings if and when one of them drinks again. I care for them and all other suffering alcoholics. I'm not going to hide behind some sort of flippant resort to take my own sobriety as the litmus test of how well I'm doing today.

True, my own sobriety is most important to me. But I'm not an isolated being any more. I feel connected to people again. Sometimes that hurts. That's perfectly OK. In fact, it's greaaaat!

Take care!

Mike L.