Change

Over the last 7 years of sobriety, I've heard two seemingly contradictory messages: (1) to stay sober, you only have to change one thing: everything and (2) you're perfect just they way you are and you don't need to change anything. There are many authors/sources of the first message and only one or two sources for the second: two of my sponsors, Earle and Dave.

The first message scared me when I first started hearing it in my early recovery. That's because in the past, when I was still drinking, I had one primary agent for change: alcohol. Alcohol was my mechanism for changing everything: my wife, my kids, other people, my feelings, my perceptions, my reality, my self. If things were wrong (and they were ALWAYS wrong!), a drink (or two...) would quickly and magically change them and make them better. Or, at worst, the alcohol would make the problems unfeelable.

So after getting struck sober, hearing this message that if I really wanted to stay sober, I was going to have to buy into this commitment to changing everything. Even after I realized that the intent of this message was limited to changing myself and not others or other things --- it still terrified me.

That's about the time I met Earle --- who I've talked about here so much that I'm going to stop introducing him to you. If you're new to my blog, click on the "Dr. Earle" keywords on the right side of my blog and you can read past blogs where I've talked about this man in depth. Anyway, one of the first things that Earle passed on to me with the idea that "I am perfect just the way I am." He repeated this to me again and again and again... You're perfect, Mike! You don't need to change one damn thing. There is nothing wrong with you. This defect of character stuff is bullshit (he was 48 years sober at the time so I let him get away what that heresy...) and over talked about in AA. There's nothing "wrong" with being an alcoholic. What's "wrong" (or maybe, fruitless) is the attempt of an alcoholic to try existing as a non-alcoholic. That's dumb and deadly. I can't drink alcohol like a non-alcoholic in the same way that I can't swim and breathe underwater like a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a non-alcoholic.

So I was still bothered by Earle's insistence that I didn't need to change and never got to resolve this issue with him before his death (he died when I was about 14 months sober -- he was over 49 years sober when he died). But over the last couple of years, I've decided that there's nothing wrong with my wanting change in my life: that's part of who I am and that's OK. It helps me when I understand and accept that I am rarely the agent or controller of significant change in my life. That most significant changes seem to come about in their own time and as a result of a wide variety of "causes" -- including actions I take, adjustments I make in my attitudes, changes in my habits and diet and routines, and a whole bunch of other "outside factors" totally outside of my control or influence.

So it's no longer a question of whether I have to change or not. Change is really not an option for me or anyone else. Change is a fact of life. It happens regardless of my belief in or attitude about it. The more important question and/or challenge for me is how I am going to participate in this changing body and world. Am I going to go with the flow or am I going to swim upstream? Both are options available to me and either one might the the right approach at any one time in my life. I think this is all the hidden truth in the Serenity Prayer: accepting what we cannot change, changing what we can and knowing the difference between what we can/can't change.

There are certain things that are unchangeable: past events are what they are and I can't change them. I can though, change my attitude toward past events: I can learn from them, I can be resentful over them, I can accept them, I can be grateful for them. But I can't change the fact of them. I also can't change the future: because it doesn't exist anywhere. Feelings also seem to fall into this category of things that can't be changed: they just are what they are. That said, I would point out that feelings do change, they are not static or life long. What I need to remember with feelings is that "I'm" not the agent of change in terms of feelings. They will change in their own course: I just need to be aware of them, listen to them and avoid acting on them until that can be done with kindness (or at least, without harm).

And lastly, there are some things that I can change sometimes but not all times. My wife is a great example of that. I can sometimes bring about changes (pleasant or not) in her by my words and actions. But in other ways, I am totally powerless to change who she is or what she feels. Just like I am totally powerless to change who I am or what I feel.

Change does not scare me like it used to do both before and after getting sober. Change is actually what's making my life exciting, interesting, challenging and meaning-filled.

Take care!

Mike L.