I've always had somewhat of a problem with the concept of "defects of character" which is something I'd never heard of until getting sober almost 8 years ago. My problem with this concept is probably due to how "defects" were handled in my law school days. I suppose I still analyze "character defects" with lawyer-like eyes. As an aside: I decided shortly before completing law school that I didn't want to become a lawyer: if I were to do that, I'd surely become an alcoholic!! Anyway, I still think a little lawyerly (in no small part because I currently work for lawyers) to my wife's chagrine.
Anyway, here's how my "anal"yzing (thank you, wife) goes: When Ford built the infamous Pinto and the Pinto was later determined to have a defective gas tank, Ford became liable for such manufacturer's defects. Builders of products are expected to do their work with a level of care sufficient to protect the public.
If then, "defects of character" are like manufacturing defects, I then went on to wonder then if the creator/manufacturer of us humans should be subject to the same expectation and liability that we hold to other manufacturers like Ford, Chrysler, etc.? If indeed we are capable of having so-called defects of character, can't we legitimately blame our creator? Can we sue God?
A silly line of logic/reasoning, I know. Regardless, I've always been more ta little hesitant to buy-in to the popular AA rhetoric about the root of our drinking problem being some sort of defect of character (e.g., selfishness and/or self-centeredness). Nor do I buy the idea that somehow, if we're going to be able to stay sober, we're going to have to get rid of such defects of character and thereby reach some state of "happy-joy-freedom-ness." Aren't these the character flaws the very targets of the 6th and 7th Steps, if not all of the steps? No, not for me.
I've been convinced since very early in my own recovery that the root of my so-called drinking problem is physiological in nature. My body processes alcohol and other drugs differently than those who are not alcoholics. That progressive drinking problem sure did impact my physical, emotional, social and spiritual development or maturity; but, any immaturity in my physical, emotional, social and/or spiritual self is/was not the cause of my alcoholism. I personally don't believe that the root of my problem is spiritual, emotional or social.
How then did I work a 6th step? It was pounded into my head by my sponsors that "I was perfect, just the way I was and that I didn't need to change anything." The solution to the problem of alcoholism was not to stop being an alcoholic or having God remove my alcoholism. The solution was waking up to the fact that I was an alcoholic and accepting that truth at my innermost core. The alcoholism wasn't taken away, it's still here, alive and well. What's changed is something in me: in this recovery process, I'm understanding more the truth about who I am, why I've done what I've done in the past and what I can do to do better in the future.
In the first step, I came to a deep acceptance of who I am as alcoholic and that's becoming ever more clear to me as I continue down this path. In the second step, I came to understand that there was a path before me which would allow me to be the best Mike that I can be and that I don't need alcohol or other outside substances in order to be OK with myself. In the third step, I submitted my resignation as God and Controller of My Universe and began a process of letting go of my choke hold on life as it is.
In the fourth step, I took the time to reminisce about the past through the eyes of understanding and list out all those events of my life for which I still held a strong sense of shame or guilt. Guilt for the wrongs I'd done; Shame for who I was. The fifth step kept me from getting mired in this remembrance of the past and helped me achieve a sense of freedom and lightness by the mere sharing of these secrets with others. I discovered my humanness. That I was a human BEing, not a human WASing.
In the sixth step, what then was I entirely ready to have taken away? Well, first of all, I don't believe that anything was taken away by someone external to me, God or anyone else. What I experienced was that I came to a point when I realized that the only thing holding on to my past was me and that this behavior was causing me needless pain and keeping me from being the best Mike that I can be. When I realize that (this is an ongoing process for me...) truth in terms of any one particular "defect" or "flaw", I let go and move on. The defect or flaw has served its purpose and I can let it die a natural death. What died in my first step was not the disease (or defect/flaw) of alcoholism, but the false idea that being alcoholic was wrong or was my fault. It was neither wrong or my fault. It just was the way I was, the way I still am. Accepting that truth didn't make the disease go away, it allowed me to be perfectly at peace with this aspect of who Mike is.
The same happens with other aspects of who I am, what I suppose people are referring to when they talk about "defects of character." I suppose I don't like the phrase "defects of character" because it seems to convey that there's something wrong with me. And the only thing wrong with me is the fact that I haven't yet discovered the truth about me in terms of any particular "defect" or incompleteness about me. Once I discover that truth, what was once a "defect" or flaw, becomes awareness and truth. It becomes perfectly ok. Defects of character are like coins, they all have two sides as it were: a positive and a negative side. We tend to be more aware of the negative side, because that's the easiest for us to see and the easiest for others to see AND point out to us!
If I were to sue God in court for any sort of claim that this creation called Mike was defective in any way, I think that God's response to the judge would simply be that "I'm not done with Mike yet!" I am not a manufactured being, I'm a being in the process of creation. God's not done with me yet. My suit would be thrown out as being premature. As things stand now, my sponsors were right (again!) --- I'm perfect just the way I am, right now and right here. And I'm not done becoming yet!
I like what David Richo said in Shadow Dance, "An acorn is not a defect, only a not-yet!"
Take care!
Mike L.
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2 comments:
Mike
My sponsor explained it this way for me. You're like a bucket, you come in filled with s--tty behavior, thinking etc. as a result of your drinking. Take heart. Your sobriety is a process through which you will replace that s--tty living with sober living. Living through your dark side is the best route to your light side. The prayer of St. Francis is my favorite prayer.
thanks for your post
JF
I disagree to a certain extent with your reasoning. First of all, it is egocentric to presume that One who has all power, and who is loving, lives by human rules, even though this characterization is called, perhaps idealistically, "humanistic." This is in contradiction to the characterization as humans who are not naturally loving and trustworthy.
Let me synergize political and psychological theory. Hobbes talks about life in the state of nature -- anarchy, where there is no "higher authority" to whom we may appeal to make sure that we as humans do not descend into a war of each against each. Though it may be our core nature, this Old Testament version of "an eye for an eye" is simply barbarism; for any law, imperfect as it is, must be better than pure anarchy. Freud talked about the ego. This is the part of your brain that is strongest -- the "I want" part -- the part in which desire's highest aspiration is to serve itself: desire's need to desire -- it's raison d'etre. Nietschze wrote in "Beyond Good and Evil" (a great book to read if you want to get a better insight on alcoholism) "in peaceful times a warlike man will set upon himself."
Now, in absence of a higher authority, and in absence of a war of each against each, and considering the human being in its earliest stages of development, we may posit that there is ONLY the ego, whose supreme purpose is to serve itself. Yet this overbearing desire becomes so desirous and self-serving that it becomes corrupted and in its zeal to serve itself, ends up destroying itself. I drank my way to a bottom, into a life of futility that did not work for me and no amount of thinking could fix me.
Did I do it because I had a physical allergy? Perhaps. But we know that alcohol was only a symptom of the illness, now clarified as an overdeveloped ego setting upon itself in absence of a "higher authority" in order to serve itself.
Of course, this model of a human being is "perfect just the way it is," but it is flawed because the consequence is dangerous anti-social behavior -- it is destructive of all humanity: fascism of the soul. Moreover, it is a delusion (a falsely held belief) to proclaim that humans in absence of a spiritual awakening can be loving -- in other words, that love can conquer all. This is the essence of cynicism and hypocrisy. Nietschze says so.
Regardless of whether you believe that humans naturally develop this way because of absence of the "God consciousness" or because of nurture, the way we were brought up, our environment, the fact is that we know the solution toward developing the balance or the check on the ego that will also remove from us the physical compulsion to drink is drawing near this "higher power." From the spiritual follows the mental, physical, emotional, and social.
The revolution, the real test of faith, is in forgiving and becoming compassionate. We don't think our way into a new way of living; we live our way into a new way of thinking. We know that we've truly begun to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God when we complete steps 4 through 9. That is our evidence.
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