Character Trait Building

I've been feeling particularly grateful in recent days for the fact that none of my sponsors saw fit to over-emphasize the importance of dedicating lots of effort toward 'removing one's character defects.'

Earle told me very early in my recovery process that he strongly believed that many people rush too quickly into the 4th step process. He said that most of us come into these rooms pretty well beaten up, demoralized, ashamed and guilty beyond comprehension. In his less than humble opinion (that's normal I suppose for someone with 48 years sober...), people would be better off waiting about a year before beginning the 4th step process. Of course, if there was something heavy troubling you, don't hesitate to talk that out with someone....but other than that just focus on staying sober, connecting with others in this fellowship and working the first 3 steps. I took that advice, and ran with it! (Didn't really begin focusing on the 4th step until just before Earle's death, 14 months after I got sober.)

After that advice was given, whenever the topic of character defects would come up though, I got the clear impression that Earle was not much into what seemed to be the AA character removal bandwagon. That isn't to say that he didn't see great healing power in the process of self-knowledge and understanding, or the process of honest self-disclosure to another human being---he certainly did. He was a psychiatrist for Christ's sake!

I think what troubled him (and me) about all the emphasis and emotional effort being placed into character defects was the almost gleeful way people talked about how bad they were and had been in the past. "You think you were bad? Listen to this badder story about me!" And also on how formalistic or legalistic the 4th step process had become---people were so busy thinking in terms of 'form' (where's your fourth column? did you write it all down? did you include all the sexual stuff?) that they paid little attention to the substance of self-reflection and remorse....

No, Earle didn't spend much time on defects of character. In some sense, he didn't even believe in their existence. "Mike," he would often say, "you are perfect just the way you are. You don't need to change anything at all. Don't even waste your time trying."

Looking back now, I see that I haven't spent much time at all in the last seven years worrying about getting rid of those pesky defects of character. So you might wonder, whatever happened to those defects? Or as Dr. Phil would say, "So, how's that working for you Mike?". Well, it's working fine -- thank you for asking.

The defects which were grabbing most of my (and my wife's!) attention are still there, alive and well.... But they appear to be less harmful to me and others, less glaring, less annoying, less fearful, less shameful, less burdensome.

They seem to be melting. Dying from a lack of attention. Instead, I am learning to be more kind, compassionate, passionate, gentle, forgiving, humble, funny, light-hearted....loving and loved.
Character trait building has been very good for me. I think i'll keep going down this path.

Take care!

Mike L.