Sobriety is More than Not Drinking

I was reminded today of one of my most favorite resentments in recovery which has to do with an oft quoted page of the Big Book, 3rd Edition: Page 449. When I first got sober, the 3rd edition of the Big Book was on it's way out and the 4th edition was on the way in. For some reason, I suppose because I'm basically cheap, when I got sober I bought a used 3rd edition Big Book at Half Priced Books and it was this book that I began reading in earnest as soon as I got sober.

At a meeting at St. Bonaventure's Church in Concord, CA one night, the topic was Page 449 and Acceptance. They read a bit from that page, "And acceptance has been the answer to all my problems today...." and I heard a woman at the meeting say that she absolutely loved that page, so much so that she memorized it. Well, although I was only a few months sober, I'd already developed my weird habit of memorizing bits and pieces of AA literature, stuff that I found particularly wise or helpful or poignant. Well, when I heard all the talk about P. 449 and then this woman saying that she memorized it, I decided that it was going to be next on my list of things to memorize.

The first thing I noticed about this page was that page 449 did not start at the beginning of someone's story, in fact, the stuff they were talking about on page 449 didn't even start at the beginning of the page. What was odd about the quote being quoted was that it started with "And" which seemed to me like it was part of something bigger and that I needed to see what came before the "And". I also thought it odd that in this first sentence, it was talking about "all my problems today" as though the author had talked about some particular problem before this and that I might want to consider reading backwards to find out what that was....

Eventually, I looked backwards to the previous paragraph which began on the bottom of page 448: "At last, acceptance proved to be the key to my drinking problem..." Well, that was certainly the "particular problem" that preceeded the "all my problems" on page 449! And that problem, alcoholism, seemed to me to be of far more interest and importance than "all my [other] problems"! So I memorized that paragraph too.

After awhile though, in the process of memorizing this paragraph, I began to wonder why this paragraph started off with "At last!" -- that seemed to indicate that the author had been struggling with this problem of alcohol and that other solutions just didn't seem to work for him. And then, eventually, or "At last!" he discovered a solution that did work: Acceptance.

So then, I decided to read backwards one more time and there in the preceeding paragraph was the seed of my longest held and most cherished resentment. There was the line that made more sense to me as a new recovering alcoholic than all the other words in the book up to that point in my recovery. But before I get to what that line was, I need to get back to this bringing me to my favorite resentment. The resentment?

Well, until that time, I'd heard many many great lines and sayings within the meeting rooms of AA, but that line led me to my first original thought/line since getting sober. That line was "The best line on page 449 is to be found on page 448! "It helped me a great deal to become convinced that alcoholism was a disease, not a moral issue, that my drinking was the result of a compulsion even though I hadn't been aware of the compulsion at the time and that sobriety had nothing to do with willpower." That "line" about 448 was my line!! But by the time it came time to "wow!" the crowds of AA meetings with my line, no one was talking about p.449 any more. Because in the 4th edition of the Big Book some A-hole in the AA editorial office decided to move this story by Dr. Paul O. to another location in the Big Book and what used to be on p.449 was now on p.417. And now that that was a fact of life, my line was totally worthless and without any punch! I mean, it just doesn't sound as powerful to say that the best line of p.417 is on p.416! Who cares??

Well, I made one more last ditch effort today to revive the resentment and share this story with the group today. It got lots of laughs. Which brings me (finally!) to the point of today's post: the importance of happiness and joy in the process of recovery. Not drinking is truly a critical and essential part of the recovery process, but if one just stops at "not drinking" as their one step of recovery: I think they're missing the full benefit of this new way of life. Even if they do continue "not drinking" for many years, even until death, I think they've cheated themselves out of the full benefit of the program of AA. What does that have to do with p.449 and Dr. Paul?

Well, I remember listening to a tape of a talk given my Dr. Paul (he died sometime in the 1990's I believe) at a Yosemite AA/Alanon Conference and somewhere toward the end of this talk (which if you've never heard Dr. Paul talk, you've got to do this: he was hilarious and you don't really capture the full level of humor intertwined in his story if you don't listen to him talk...) he mentioned that his all time favorite line in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was to be found on the middle of page 132, in fact it was right smack dab in the middle of page 132, "sixteen lines down from the top, sixteen lines up from the bottom, two extraneous words to the left and two extraneous words to the right. And the line is, "We absolutely insist on enjoying life!"

That's a great line--even if it is someone else's!--and it got across to me what I'm trying to get across here: sobriety is more than not drinking, it's about finding a new way of living which can, sometimes quickly, sometimes (more often!) slowly bring about a change of perception which results in an inner sense of contentment, joy and peace with one's self and one's life. Just as it is, today.

Somepeople find me odd because I memorize stuff. And they're right. But Dr. Paul was odder than me. Sure, I memorized his telling the story of his favorite line, but he's the one who was so sick that he discovered that the line was 16 lines down from the top and 16 lines up bottom and that there were two extraneous words on both sides of his favorite line. Thank god there are some sicker than me.

Mike L.

Importance of Humilty in the Recovery Process

The topic of humility has been coming up in meetings recently and today I just heard a great chair by a guy who I've watched getting sober over the last couple of years. While he started off his chair (what some people refer to a lead...he told his story, whatever you call it) today, he said that he didn't feel like he had much to say because he had only a relatively short time continuously sober. He closed his chair by saying that he didn't really know what, if anything, he was doing differently this time in his sobriety, but whatever it was, it seemed to be working.

After the meeting, I went up and told him that I did notice something different in his demeanor today that I hadn't seen before. And that was a deep sense of humility.

A couple of years ago, I was reading a biography of Sr. Ignatia, who was a Catholic nun and early friend to Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson. She was working in an Akron hospital, I think where Dr. Bob had some sort of privileges and where he and Bill started making early attempts to find other drunks to help. Sr. Ignatia, while not an alcoholic, saw something in what these two men were doing and it became her mission in life to help them out. She surrepticiously began redirecting incoming patients who displayed symptoms of alcoholism to special rooms in the hospital and then helped Dr. Bob and other early AAers approach these folks and attempt to help them if that was their wish.

Anyway, as to humility, Sr. Ignatia was transferred away from this hospital at some point (apparently, her religious superiors didn't like the idea of a nun hanging around a bunch of drunks, Doctors or not). Well, she ended up keeping contact with Dr. Bob and continued to help alcoholics connect up with other alcoholics.

Before his death, Dr. Bob gave Sr. Ignatia a little plaque which she kept on her desk for the remainder of her life. The plaque was entitled, "Humility" and Dr. Bob inscribed it something along the lines of "any alcoholic who acquired this sort of humility would do well in their sobriety."

Humility is perpetual quietness of heart.

It is to have no trouble.

It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sure.
To wonder at nothing done to me;

to feel nothing done against me.

It is to be at rest when no one praises me.

And when I am blamed or despised,

it is to have a blessed home in myself

where I can go in a shut the door

and kneel to my father in secret

and be at peace.

As in a deep sea of calmness

where all around and about me

there is seeming trouble.

Dr. Earle once told me that in his mind, humility wasn't a thing to be possessed once and for all. It was more like a moment in time where we became willing to learn. I used to wonder what the difference was between "humility" and "humiliation" and in terms of what Earle said, I eventually came to believe that humiliation happened at those times in our life where we simply couldn't pretend anymore about who we were or what we had become and we fell flat on our face in the ground of our truth. They both have their root in the Greek (?) word "humus" the ground from which human beings were supposedly fashioned.

For many, humility comes about subsequent to humiliation. Whatever. Both can lead to a better understanding of ourselves and what we have become.

Humility is what I heard in Jeremy's story today. I heard a man who was willing to learn more about who he was, both as a alcoholic and as a man. I pray that he doesn't forget what he's been lucky to learn.

Mike L.

The Value of Commitments

For the last two years, the one meeting I've considered my home group has been an unlisted men's group called the Dignitaries Sympathy AA Group of the East Bay (we call it the Digs group) that meets on Thursday nights in Walnut Creek, CA. Anyone who knows me would find it odd that I'd consider a men's group as a home group --- I typically hate men's groups because they have always seemed to me to be a little too filled with testosterone and one ups manship, and something of a falsely or unreal safe place. Probably a hold over from my celibate days as a Jesuit.

Regardless, I grew to like the Digs group for several reasons: the weekly meeting focuses on sharing about what each one of us had done in the last week to stay sober, it permitted others in the group to share feedback with each other during the meeting (although the format explicitly states that we give each other the right to be wrong when we give such feedback....) and lastly, we encourage each other to make commitments to improve some area or aspect of our sobriety program whenever we felt 'stuck' in some behavior or mindset.

This idea of making commitments is something that has been hitting home over the last several weeks because I've been slowly reading through a great book by David Richo called "Everyday Commitments: Choosing a Life of Love, Realism and Acceptance" which I picked up before the holidays. The book contains 52 commitments which are short 1-3 sentence statements of commitment which offer those making them a specific goal in all sorts of various areas of life/living. For each commitment, David provides a short 1 page or so meditation or comment on that specific commitment. What I've been doing, which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who knows my obsessive tendencies, is to begin memorizing each of these commitments (just the commitment statements, not the meditation/comments on the commitments....I'm not THAT obsessive!), one every couple of days or so.

Here's a sampling of the first dozen or so commitments:

"1. Cultivating Lovingkindness: I am always looking for ways to intend, express and act with lovingkindness [compassion, joy and equanimity].

2. Saying Yes to Reality: More and more, I am saying Yes to the givens of human living: everything changes and ends; things will not always go according to plan; life is not always fair or pain-free; and people are not always loving, honest, generous or loyal.

3. Grounded, Not Swayed: No matter what happens to me, I am intent on remaining personally grounded, no longer thrown off course by events or my reactions to them.

4. Remaining Secure: The painful events of human life have an impact on me, but they no longer impinge on my serenity. I try to remain secure within myself and, at the same time, trusting that I will be able to handle what happens and [whatever happens] will help me grow.

5. Committed to the Work: I am not perfect, but I am sincerely committed to working on myself [and to waking up!].

6. Freedom from the Grip of Fear: I accept the fact of fear, allow myself to feel my fear fully and act so that fear does not interfere with my life choices.

7. Openness to Feelings: I am becoming more willing to express all of my own feelings and to receive those of others, including fear, joy, grief and tenderness. I am practicing ways to show anger non-violently, in ways that are not abusive, threatening, blaming or out of control.

8. Respectful Assertiveness: I can become stronger in asking for what I desire without demand, manipulation or expectation. As I remain respectful of the timing, wishes and limits of others, I can accept no for an answer.

9. Not Taking Advantage: I forgo taking advantage of anyone because of their ignorance, status or financial straits. I forgo the chance to use any charms of word, body or mind to seduce or trick anyone.

10. Growing in Gratitude: I choose not to take unfair advantage of others' generosity. I am letting go of any sense of entitlement in favor of gratitude for whatever is given to me."

What I'm finding is that as I incorporate these commitments into my daily meditation practice (I recite them over and over several times during my commute...), that I find myself becoming aware of instances in my day where the commitment is brought front and center in my life and I have the opportunity to follow through with my commitment or, at worst, fail to do so and learn more about the underlying wisdom of the commitment itself.

In that regard, #11 on the subject of "commitments" is on my mind now as I post this message:

"11. Honoring Agreements and Boundaries: I try my best to keep my word, honor my commitments and follow through with the tasks I agree to do. Accepting my own limitations, I am more able to set sane limits and boundaries with others. I no longer make promises for the sake of pleasing or appeasing others."

I recommend this book highly!!

Mike L.

Gratitude and Resentment: Not Feelings

I sometimes notice that in meetings there are times that certain topics for discussion begin floating from one meeting to another. Sort of cross-pollination. In the last couple of weeks, the topic that's floating around here, both in the Contra Costa county area where I live, but also in Sacramento where I work, is the topic of Gratitude.

When I first got sober in October 2001, I remember that during the month of November the topic was often Gratitude. While I was glad to have had the obsession and the actual act of drinking leave me the month earlier (two days before my first AA meeting...), I wouldn't characterize myself as grateful. In fact, those that described themselves as "grateful alcoholics" sort of bothered me. What was there to be grateful about? Sure, I was sober----but I wasn't able to drink and for some strange reason I missed that. I missed what was clearly a miserable way of life. Strange.

By the time my second sober November came around, the topic of Gratitude started being bantered about and I think I started harboring something of a resentment for this unofficial AA tradition of focusing on the Thanksgiving-like theme of Gratitude during the month of November. That's when I learned an important truth about both Gratitude and Resentment. Neither were feelings.

When I was newly sober, my feelings were all over the map and I was, to say the least, quite uncomfortable with them. All of them. Good (sense of peace, calm, joy, happiness, love, affection, etc.) and Bad (anger, fear, jealousy, hatred, anger, depression, anger, etc.). None of them were the way they "should" be: if they were "good" they weren't good enough or they didn't last long enough. If they were "bad" they were too bad and lasted waaaaay too long.

Within a short time, I met Dr. Earle who'd gotten sober two days before I was born. He'd gotten sober on June 15, 1953 and I was born June 17, 1953. When I met him, I was 48 years old and two months sober; he was 48 years and five months sober. One of the first things I learned from Earle was that there was nothing good or bad about feelings: they just were. Actually, I don't think I learned this from Earle. He certainly tried to teach me this truth of his, but I wasn't buying any of it. Learning took some time.

Earle would some times come into a meeting and gently put his gnarly old hand on my shoulder and ask, "How are you doing, Mike?" I'd respond as I thought one should in public, "Fine." He'd then look at me with a knowing smile and say, "You wouldn't lie to an old man like me, would you?" and then he'd sit down next to me and we'd chat before the meeting. I can't tell you how much I miss those chats. Especially today as tomorrow will be the 5th anniversary of his death.

When I eventually became comfortable enough sharing some of the truth about my feelings with this old man, we would sometimes get into a back and forth routine along the lines of the following: What are you feeling? A little depressed I suppose. What's wrong with that? Well, I don't like feeling depressed. What's wrong with that? It's depressing! What's wrong with that? I start to feel sad. What's wrong with that? It hurts. What's wrong with that? I start to get angry. What's wrong with that? I don't like being angry. What's wrong with that? It's uncomfortable! What's wrong with that?

Now, that would go on and on until I'd get so frustrated that this absolutely stupid old man who, in addition to being 48 years sober was also a licensed psychiatrist and surgeon, seemed to be fixated on asking me the same question again and again and again. What's wrong with that feeling? Ultimately, I'd lose all patience and respect for this man and let loose with what I hoped to be the "Final Answer" with him and I told him that "what was wrong" with all these feelings was that if I kept having them, I was surely going to start feeling like drinking again! God dammit! I thought that would finally shut him up, but, you guessed it: his only response was to ask with that irritating smile, "Well, Mike, what's wrong with that?"

By that time, I'd learned enough to know that it was useless to follow up with the only remaining retort which was, if I kept feeling like this any longer, I might not only "feel" like drinking, I might actually drink! I never asked him that question. For years, I've thought that his response might have been, "what's wrong with that?" but recently, I've decided that he would have said that all of these feelings, including the fear of drinking again, were all just feelings. Not good or bad. Just feelings. For years I'd attempted to manage feelings by means of alcohol and other techniques and aides. None of them really worked because they were all premised on the idea that particular feelings were unacceptable. I don't think that Earle would have flippantly said that the actual "act of drinking" again would be good, he was talking about feelings within me. Come to think of it, he pretty much only talked about feelings and emotions. Even when he was talking about seemingly "spiritual" things, he was really talking about emotions. I think for him, emotions and spirituality were synonymous.

Anyway, it was about this time that I started to try to reconcile Earle's teaching on feelings with some things I was hearing in AA, including the importance of Gratitude in the recovery process and the ultimate dangers of Resentment. When I listened to recovering alcoholics talk about either of these topics, I thought most people were talking about "feelings" (grateful and resentful) and if so, I began to wonder "Why were they talking about Gratitude as something 'good' and Resentment as something 'bad'?" Given that Earle was something of an AA icon (his story was in the Big Book and he had known Bill Wilson), I thought I'd finally found his Achilles Heal: were all these folks wrong to talk goodly about Gratitude and badly about Resentment?

When I challenged Earle about this apparent widespread heresy, he laughed and explained to me that neither Gratitude or Resentment were feelings. They were both attitudes. Or better, decisions. Gratitude was a attitude or habit one could develop over time to appreciate all that one had received in life, so-called good and so-called bad. He said that for some time, recovering alcoholics had discovered the value of developing such a habit or attitude of gratitude. It seemed to help many people stay sober and, more importantly, develop a joyful and contented way of life...without need for chemical enhancement.

Resentment too was not a feeling: it was a decision. Resentment means to "re-feel" and while resentment is often mis-talked about as though it were a feeling in itself, it wasn't. Earle believed that resentment wasn't a feeling, it was a decision (sometimes a well-entrenched habit) to hold on to a particular feeling well beyond it's natural life span. Resentment isn't "anger", it's a decision to hold onto anger (or any other negative feeling) well beyond it's normal shelf life.

After six years of sobriety, I'm no longer resentful about the topic of Gratitude. I actually appreciate it and enjoy the opportunity it gives me to share this story with others. January's become a time for me to reflect of the gifts of my sobriety, and one of the most important gifts given me in my life was the fourteen months I had spending some time with Dr. Earle Marsh. The night he died, I was holding his hand. He wasn't alone. He'd waited for me.

And that's another story.

Mike L.

An Acceptance Inventory

Here's an acceptance inventory that I use.... Don't know if it's a First Step sort of thing or a Tenth Step sort of thing, or both. Regardless, I've memorized this inventory so that I can use it while I'm driving to/from work. Given my 65 mile commute to and from work, the wise use of this time has been one of the mainstays of my recovery over the last six years.

This list of 50+ questions on acceptance was something I found in a great book called, The Tao of Sobriety by Gregson/Efran.

What I've found is that when I'm in a "good" place, where I feel basically content with life, I tend to answer most of these questions with "Yes" (sometimes begruding, but Yes, nonetheless). But when I'm out of balance, "HALT" (hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired), then the answers are more likely to be "No", "Hell No!" and/or "Fuck No!" or "No Fucking Way!".

When that happens, this acceptance inventory helps me identify where in my life I'm not accepting the reality of something or someone and then once I've done that, I can chose to change my attitude toward that reality....i.e., accept it. Then peace usually returns....for awhile.

An Acceptance Inventory (The Tao of Sobriety by Gregson/Efran):
"1. Do you accept that people are often cruel, inconsiderate and heartless?
2. Do you accept that children all over the world are dying of malnutrition?
3. Do you accept that the notion of God may be a fable?
4. Do you accept that people are frequently devious and self-serving?….
5. Do you accept that you have the right and obligation to help change the world even though you haven’t the foggiest notion about how to do so?
6. Do you accept that you could lose your job or financial security…at any time?
7. Do you accept that someone you trust will betray you?
8. Do you accept the seeming inevitability of wars and bloodshed?
9. Do you accept that people are sometimes genuinely altruistic?
10. Do you accept that people are evil?
11. Do you accept your own evil motives?
12. Do you accept the possibility of time travel?
13. Do you accept that innocent children are being abused…daily?
14. Do you accept that someone is spreading false rumors about you?
15. Do you accept dying?
16. Do you really accept dying?
17. Do you accept the possibility that you could contract or develop a life-threatening illness?
18. Do you accept that millions of people in the world are better off than you are?
19. Do you accept that you have made some really serious mistakes?
20. Do you accept that you will continue making serious mistakes?
21. Do you accept generosity from others?
22. Do you truly accept the forgiveness of others?
23. Do you accept having harmed others?
24. Do you accept having intentionally harmed others?
25. Do you accept that you will eventually lose everything?
26. Do you accept the possibility of sudden and serious illness?
27. Do you accept that friends and confidants will lie to you?
28. Do you accept that your choices will be criticized?
29. Do you accept that some people will want to give you valuable gifts?
30. Do you accept being considered worthy by those you admire or respect?
31. Can you accept being or becoming a parent?
32. Do you accept that you are still an adolescent, despite your chronological age?
33. Do you accept that you are highly susceptible to being conned?
34. Do you accept that people are violent?
35. Do you accept that you have purposely avoided telling others what they needed to hear?
36. Do you accept your own basic goodness?
37. Do you accept that you are whole, sufficient and complete?
38. Do you accept that you have not lived up to your full potential?
39. Do you accept that homicide and suicide are part of the human condition?
40. Do you accept the fact that newborns are regularly abandoned or killed?
41. Do you accept that people are laughing at you behind their back?
42. Do you accept that people do not take you seriously?
43. Do you accept the possibility of being in a fire or drowning?
44. Do you accept the possibility of being in a serious auto accident?
45. Do you accept that someone close to you may stop speaking to you?
46. Do you accept that life is finite and futile?
47. Do you accept that some of your best efforts have been totally in vain?
48. Do you accept that innocent people are being tortured in many countries around the world [some of them at the hands of our agents]?
49. Do you accept sexual inadequacy? [Do you accept physical inadequacy? Do you accept social inadequacy? Do you accept spiritual inadequacy?]
50. Do you accept that many criminals prosper?
51. Do you accept being a role model for others?
52. Do you accept being the source of love and compassion?
53. Finally, [finally!!!] do you accept the current incomplete status of your acceptance?" The Tao of Sobriety

How's Your AA Program Working for You?

This was the topic of the Concord Fellowship meeting this morning. After the great chair, I didn't really have anything of interest to say on topic so I kept quiet for most the meeting and did something unusual for me: I listened. Normally what I'd do is not listen and try to think of something interesting to say on topic. And if those potential shares bore even me, I usually don't grace others with my boring share. This morning I bored myself with ego-based, ego-building thoughts of all the great albeit obsessive things I do as a part of my program....lots of meetings, reading, meditation, sponsoring, blah, blah, blah. It bored me so quickly and completely that I stopped and listened to what others were saying.

And then someone said something that got me to thinking about another less ego-based way to assess how I was working my program: have them ask my wife of 26+ years 'how is Mike working his program?'. THAT would give a valuable and in some ways more truthful perspective on how my program is really working!

I remembered back to when I was about 18 months sober and I was feeling a little stuck in the process of the steps. I had then inner sense that I was done with the third step but didn't have either the sufficient amount of pain or desire for more happiness to motivate me enough to begin the 4th/5th step process...

Anyways, I was sitting in my living room 18 months sober talking with my youngest daughter (who for various reasons has adopted the role of my personal Protector when anyone dares to hurt her dad) and my wife (who's never deemed the need to take on that particular role!). I can't remember the context of what happened, but at one point my wife said something to my daughter to the effect that 'Well, Dad's just a drunk...'. Now, she didn't mean that to sound as mean as it might out context, but daughter The Protector shot back that 'Mom! Dad's a recovering alcoholic! He's been sober for almost 2 years!'. My wife/her mom just looked over to me and said, 'I know that....but when's he going to change?'

Ouch.

Now that also was not as mean as it might sound out of context. But it hit me square in the middle of my gut. She was right. I had been not drinking and/or sober for 18 months, but bottomline, I hadn't really changed much of my day-to-day behavior during that time. I hate it when she's right! I hadn't taken my program "on the road" as someone once said in a meeting....

While I didn't say much to my wife and daughter that day (didn't need to: my Protector was doing for me what I couldn't and shouldn't do for myself!) I did make the commitment at that time to jump start my step work and begin my 4th step in earnest.

So now several years later after having had all of the steps worked---or rather, having been thoroughly been worked by the steps---how would my wife respond to this topic?

Well, if we'd asked her a week ago she would have given a glowing report that would do my ego proud! Our marriage is the best it's ever been, our children have all moved out of the house (the last to go was my son Pat...who left home in February 2007, picked up his 6 year clean chip in May 2007--I picked up my 6 year sober chip 5 months later-- and then this same son turned 22 years old in June 2007), we're enjoying our life together, blah, blah, blah.

BUT that was last week and this morning in the meeting it dawned on me that two things happened in the last week that resulted in my wife feeling disconnected from me and, most importantly, I know I had a part in that reality.

This morning I shared this story at group level and shared with my friends that my program IS working because I'm continuing to do what has worked so far and every once and awhile someone will say or do something which leads me to see myself more clearly and honestly. When that happens, when someone intentionally or not pulls my covers, I understand that I have work to do---and in this case that means figuring out some way(s) of making right what's happened this week as a result of my actions and talking to my wife about some things I'd previously swept under the rug. It is working....

Mike L.

Is AA a Cult?

When I began this blog, I forgot that I was publishing this log of thoughts and opinions to the wild of the Internet and foolishly allowed "Comments" to my blog. Within a few days, I was inundated with almost a dozen comments, all from a guy named 'MICKY'. Apparently, he does not share my love for the program/organization called AA and he's welcome to his own experience. I'm not sure how to accurately characterize his experience and while it's far different from my own, there were parts of his rantings that stirred up memories of my own and I couldn't help but feel some empathy for him.

When I first got sober a little over six years ago, I'd quickly gotten a sponsor who began taking me through the Big Book a page/chapter at a time, just like had been done with him by his sponsor. I didn't mind this approach at all, at least for the first two steps. But as we approached the third step, he started talking about what his sponsor had done with him and I got the distinct impression that he was fully expecting to do the same thing with me when my turn came to work this step: "Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood him."

What his sponsor had done with him was to take him up to a hill in Pleasant Hill, California and on top of that pleasant hill, they each knelt in front of a bench and recited the so-called "Third Step Prayer" together: God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt....etc." When they were done, the 3rd step was completed and they then immediately moved on to the next step.

Well, unbeknownst to my sponsor, there just wasn't a chance in hell that I was going up to any such hill, pleasant or not, to kneel down and pray this or any other prayer with him. No fucking way.

When I got sober, I was 48 years old. The disease had been very slow, but progressively worse nonetheless. Earlier in my life, I'd been a Lutheran---had even been the President of the goddamned Luther League! I converted to Catholicism when I was in my early 20's and entered the Jesuits shortly thereafter with the full intent of becoming a Jesuit priest... I had a bachelor's degree in Catholic theology and had thought long and hard about the issues surrounding the questions of God's existence or non-existence. Ultimately, I left the Jesuits: in part, because I got tired of trying to fit my experience of God into an acceptable framework of the Catholic Church or some local manifestation of that organization, but in larger part, due to my certainty that if I were to stay much longer in this celibate religious order, I would certainly become an alcoholic! I have a long history of reaching this exact same crisis point again and again and again: if I stay here doing "this", I will certainly become an alcoholic.

Anyway, back to my 3rd step issue: after getting sober, one of the things that made me feel most comfortable and safe in AA was the language scattered throughout the book and literature which seemed to say that within this organization, each individual was absolutely free to come up with their own understanding of God or a Higher Power. In fact, if the individual's understanding of God was that God did not exist, they were still a full member of AA in good standing. No better, no less than someone whose understanding was more theistic. I love the fact that the third chapter of the Big Book was called "We Agnostics" rather than "Those Agnostics" or "We Former Agnostics."

But I had already started to have this sense of safety become challenged by certain practices and language within the rooms of AA that seemed inconsistent with this fundamental principle of AA. Not only was there the talk of a 3rd step that involved reciting a very specific prayer with another person....which seemed to me to imply that these two folks were acting as though they had a common understanding of God, else why would they be saying the same prayer together. And if everyone in AA accomplished their 3rd step by reciting this same exact prayer together with another, was the talk of a God of my own understanding really a joke or ruse?

There was also the practice of opening and closing most AA meetings that I had attended to that point with either the Serenity Prayer or the Lord's Prayer. Both prayers are Christian prayers or at least "rooted" in the Christian tradition. If I didn't have an understanding of God that fit in with that tradition, was I some how "outside" of the fellowship if I did not hold hands with other members at the end of meetings and participate in this apparently Christianized AA ritual? Could I stay in AA if in fact it was a Christian cult or required belief in God as a condition of membership or a condition of longer term sobriety?

Luckily, at this time in my sobriety, I met Dr. Earle Marsh (deceased 1/13/03). Earle had gotten sober June 15, 1953, two days before I was born. His story, Physician Heal Thyself, was published in the 2nd edition of the Big Book and he was something of an icon around here where I was getting sober. Anyway, my first sponsor unwittingly directed me to have my path intersect with Earle's. This sponsor had encouraged me to go to a big men's meeting because they really did things right at this meeting. Well, I hated it. While the chairs (what some places refer to a "leads" where you tell your story...) were usually very good, they did not ask for volunteers to talk/share---the chair would only call on people he knew and none of them knew me. The fellowship was very strong in this meeting and there was a lot of positive energy flowing before, during and after the meeting. But I still hated it. I started to get the impression that they were all members of a AA cult and they were trying to draw me into the fold. If only I'd do what I was told....and that included getting down on my knees and praying the 3rd step prayer with my sponsor. No fucking way.

Anyway, one night---I'd already decided that it was my last visit to this meeting---toward the end of the meeting, this little man I had only known as an oldtimer who had his story in the book (when talking to others after the meeting, I referred to him as the Joker, because while he rarely got called on to talk, when he did talk, he had a wonderful way of telling stories and to make me laugh)....this little old man raised his hand and didn't wait to be called on, and simply said, "My name is Earle and I'm an alcoholic." Everyone welcomed him with a roar, "Hi Earle!". He then continued, "I've heard everything that you men have said tonight and to be honest with you, I think it's all a bunch of bullshit!" At first, there was complete silence in the room of 100+ men. And then everyone broke into laughter.... Earle looked at them with a half-smile and then said, "No, I'm serious! I think what's been said tonight is a bunch of bullshit." Well, this time, they didn't laugh so hard.

Earle then went on to tell a brief version of his story and it dawned on me that he'd gotten sober two days before I was born. He'd been sober every moment of my entire life. More importantly, this iconic figure with 48+ years of sobriety, friend of Bill Wilson himself and writer of one of the stories in the Big Book, had told an entire room of AA members that they were full of shit. And he didn't get kicked out. Now, he may very well have pissed off a few or a bunch of folks, but nonetheless, he was still allowed to have his say and to return the following week!

That's when I learned that while there are "cultish" aspects to this weird organization called Alcoholics Anonymous, that given our freedom to believe and do as we wish and remain full members in good standing, it's not a cult. At least for me. It's also where I learned that my third step didn't have to involve praying any prayer with another person. In fact, it didn't have to involve prayer at all. For me, the third step involved me coming to an understanding that much of my life had been spent "playing God" --- and, in particular, by using alcohol as a means of playing this role of God: He (me) who could change reality to fit His (my) wants and desires. My third step didn't involve a commitment to any sort of god, it was more of a resignation on my part from playing the role of God. It meant letting go and just being me. And being me, involved among other things, being an alcoholic who simply couldn't "stop" drinking...but who could stay sober, one day at a time.

This is all not to say that Micky's experience is wrong or that his opinions are bunk. His experience is apparently far different than mine and he's apparently taken it upon himself to teach everyone the "truth" about AA, Bill Wilson, etc. That's fine with me. I don't particularly find his arguments persuasive and I'm not going to become a hostage to his voluminous (clearly "cut and paste" from a library of anti-AA messages and writings....) comments and diatribes.

For that reason, I've removed the "Comments" from my blog. I am looking for other alternatives to allowing people to respond/comment on what I share here, which do not subject me or others to abusive rantings. Until then, this will be a one-way communication tool. Sorry folks!

Mike L.