The Value of Commitments

For the last two years, the one meeting I've considered my home group has been an unlisted men's group called the Dignitaries Sympathy AA Group of the East Bay (we call it the Digs group) that meets on Thursday nights in Walnut Creek, CA. Anyone who knows me would find it odd that I'd consider a men's group as a home group --- I typically hate men's groups because they have always seemed to me to be a little too filled with testosterone and one ups manship, and something of a falsely or unreal safe place. Probably a hold over from my celibate days as a Jesuit.

Regardless, I grew to like the Digs group for several reasons: the weekly meeting focuses on sharing about what each one of us had done in the last week to stay sober, it permitted others in the group to share feedback with each other during the meeting (although the format explicitly states that we give each other the right to be wrong when we give such feedback....) and lastly, we encourage each other to make commitments to improve some area or aspect of our sobriety program whenever we felt 'stuck' in some behavior or mindset.

This idea of making commitments is something that has been hitting home over the last several weeks because I've been slowly reading through a great book by David Richo called "Everyday Commitments: Choosing a Life of Love, Realism and Acceptance" which I picked up before the holidays. The book contains 52 commitments which are short 1-3 sentence statements of commitment which offer those making them a specific goal in all sorts of various areas of life/living. For each commitment, David provides a short 1 page or so meditation or comment on that specific commitment. What I've been doing, which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who knows my obsessive tendencies, is to begin memorizing each of these commitments (just the commitment statements, not the meditation/comments on the commitments....I'm not THAT obsessive!), one every couple of days or so.

Here's a sampling of the first dozen or so commitments:

"1. Cultivating Lovingkindness: I am always looking for ways to intend, express and act with lovingkindness [compassion, joy and equanimity].

2. Saying Yes to Reality: More and more, I am saying Yes to the givens of human living: everything changes and ends; things will not always go according to plan; life is not always fair or pain-free; and people are not always loving, honest, generous or loyal.

3. Grounded, Not Swayed: No matter what happens to me, I am intent on remaining personally grounded, no longer thrown off course by events or my reactions to them.

4. Remaining Secure: The painful events of human life have an impact on me, but they no longer impinge on my serenity. I try to remain secure within myself and, at the same time, trusting that I will be able to handle what happens and [whatever happens] will help me grow.

5. Committed to the Work: I am not perfect, but I am sincerely committed to working on myself [and to waking up!].

6. Freedom from the Grip of Fear: I accept the fact of fear, allow myself to feel my fear fully and act so that fear does not interfere with my life choices.

7. Openness to Feelings: I am becoming more willing to express all of my own feelings and to receive those of others, including fear, joy, grief and tenderness. I am practicing ways to show anger non-violently, in ways that are not abusive, threatening, blaming or out of control.

8. Respectful Assertiveness: I can become stronger in asking for what I desire without demand, manipulation or expectation. As I remain respectful of the timing, wishes and limits of others, I can accept no for an answer.

9. Not Taking Advantage: I forgo taking advantage of anyone because of their ignorance, status or financial straits. I forgo the chance to use any charms of word, body or mind to seduce or trick anyone.

10. Growing in Gratitude: I choose not to take unfair advantage of others' generosity. I am letting go of any sense of entitlement in favor of gratitude for whatever is given to me."

What I'm finding is that as I incorporate these commitments into my daily meditation practice (I recite them over and over several times during my commute...), that I find myself becoming aware of instances in my day where the commitment is brought front and center in my life and I have the opportunity to follow through with my commitment or, at worst, fail to do so and learn more about the underlying wisdom of the commitment itself.

In that regard, #11 on the subject of "commitments" is on my mind now as I post this message:

"11. Honoring Agreements and Boundaries: I try my best to keep my word, honor my commitments and follow through with the tasks I agree to do. Accepting my own limitations, I am more able to set sane limits and boundaries with others. I no longer make promises for the sake of pleasing or appeasing others."

I recommend this book highly!!

Mike L.